Name: Bobby Lee | This Past Weekend #116
Uploaded: 2018-07-26T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee | This Past Weekend #116' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Lee | This Past Weekend #116' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-26. Transcript available.

Bobby Lee | This Past Weekend #116

This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, also Bronx Born Pizza, and
Gray Block
is there at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach, and
Bronx Born is
up there in Bend, Oregon, and that's our sister pizza company, and we're also
grateful for
them for their support.
If you hear me having a snack right now, then you are hearing accurately
because I'm having
a little bit of that trail mix, the original flavor from Lakeside Maple, and
Lakeside Maple
trail mix is baked with pure maple syrup.
You know, sometimes you'll be in Vermont, you'll be in a back alley, you'll see
somebody peddling
some fake maple, you know, some of that fake MS, but this is pure maple syrup,
and that's
what they bake into it at Lakeside Maple.
They have three flavors, original, spicy, and ginger chai, which also was the
name of
my stepmother's Bichon, actually.
All of the mixes at Lakeside Maple are made by hand by fans of the podcast.
That's right, they listen to it while they make this stuff in their kitchen.
And all of these products are gluten-free and vegan, so if you happen to be one
of those
things, then you can have this.
And if you're not, you can still have it.
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Get in there and try out the best trail mix that everyone thinks is granola,
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Also, try out that trail mix butter.
And I don't know if you, I mean, this stuff is good.
I'll say this, if you cover somebody in that trail mix butter and set them
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That's how good that butter is, that somebody would kidnap somebody who just
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Go to lakesidemaple.com and use code THEO for 15% off your order.
I'm going to have some right now.
Today's guest, you know, I'm going to tell you this, you know, sometimes you,
remember
those little troll dolls you used to get in middle school, and they had crazy
hair and
they had jewels in their belly?
I'm not saying this guy's like that, but I'm also not saying he's not like that.
You know, this is the most asexual or just multi-sexual.
I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if you chiseled this guy's pants open and you
found 90 different
types of crotches down there.
You know, just like a garden of straight up just rare crotch.
I mean, he's just that magical, omnipresent, you know, he's that gender fluid,
you know,
just that beautiful sip of just magic sauce.
And he's a nice guy.
He's a nice guy.
I'll say this.
I wouldn't have an agent right now in this business if it weren't for this guy
who called
repeatedly to an agency because he believed in me and helped me get an agent.
Like, I wouldn't have one, you know, and he did that.
A lot of comedians wouldn't do that.
And I look up to this guy even though he's so small.
I mean, he's really a to-go item.
And we're so happy that he's here with us today from the Tiger Belly Podcast.
It is Bobby Lee.
And we're so happy that he's here with us today from the Tiger Belly Podcast.
This is my uncle fucking chicken chop.
Chicken chop, hi.
No disrespect, bro.
No disrespect.
Bro, you can barely even hear Brian, bro.
Feed Brian.
You can barely even hear him.
I have a very strong voice.
No, you don't, bro.
I do.
Bobby Lee's having me in your podcast.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, you're next.
You're next.
I'm good at you guys.
You're next.
Yeah, dude.
Go wash your face.
I think I'm going to do yours right now.
Go do yours.
Turn yours on.
You already turned it on?
Huh?
Yeah, we're rolling.
Oh, shit.
He's got a new studio and now he's boss, huh?
Is that what it is?
You're boss now?
Yeah.
Ooh, this is nice.
Get in here, bro.
This is nice.
Huh?
It's nice in here, huh?
Thanks, dude, huh?
We got you that little sugar packet, too.
Thanks, man.
You little sack of freaking dynamite here.
Yeah, country.
You guys don't do earphones or what, bro?
We don't do it.
All right.
We used to do it, dude, and we had an issue.
Somebody, and this is a true story, somebody hurt their ear and then tried to
sue us.
How crazy is it?
Yeah.
No real?
Yeah.
A guest?
Yeah.
And I'm not going to say who because legally-
Comedian or an actor?
Huh?
Woman.
Comedian or an actor?
Comedian.
Yeah.
Definitely comedian.
I'm going to get her.
Sarah Tiana, right?
No, she wouldn't complain.
Yeah, Sarah Tiana did that.
Sarah Tiana's like the only decent woman in this town.
It was a Sarah, though.
Silverman?
Oh, God, no.
We were never on here.
But yeah, what about those two guys, dude?
Brendan and Brian.
What's going on with them?
I don't trust them.
They're thick dudes, you know?
Especially the Brendan.
Brendan is.
It looks like Brendan's just going to eat Brian one day.
That's going to be it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think that he wants to fuck my girl, bro.
Oh, Brendan?
There's a vibe there, you know?
You know what's funny?
Somebody else has mentioned that.
Yeah, and if he did, well, there's nothing much I can do about it.
You know, if I caught them, I'd be like, okay, hurry.
Yeah.
Hurry, please.
But you need to hide in there.
I could see you hiding under her vagina in there with like a little rake or
something.
Whoa, bro.
Yeah, man.
Vietnam style, huh?
Yeah.
That's how Vietnam won the war, bro.
They hid in a tree for three weeks with a banana.
They can hide in little cans of Cokes.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Like a soldier would look at a can of Coke and then, surprise.
Nothing, yeah, surprise attack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He takes a sip to his mouth and then a freaking dagger comes out.
Yeah, man.
Bayonet, maybe.
Bayonet.
Yeah, dude, a bayonet.
What's up?
Bobby Lee, good to see you, bro.
I can't believe it's been this long since I've never even done your podcast.
Why'd you wait for me?
I've seen all the fools been on this, man.
Who?
Yeah, really, who?
Was Rosenbaum just here?
Yeah, he was here.
Yeah, those fools.
Yeah, Rosenbaum was here.
Who's closer, me or Rosenbaum to you?
You are.
But you also don't like to drive across town very much and you can't drive and
play, you
know, I know whenever there's a new iOS update and you can't play Candy Crush,
you don't
like to drive during that week.
You're smart, man.
You know me, dude.
You know me, dude.
How am I going to grow that out, man?
Huh?
Your mole.
This?
Yeah, man.
This hair?
It's coming in.
Dude, I'm growing a pair of mittens for a kid with cancer.
Oh, charity.
Yeah.
Charity?
Yeah, hand cancer.
Oh, that's cool, man.
They got a kid that has hands.
I'm growing one pubic hair for that, too.
Are you really?
I have one long one.
It doesn't curl my pubes.
You know that?
Uh-uh.
Really?
Yeah.
Ethnic pubic hairs, they don't curl.
Oh, I could see that.
They just stick straight out like it's scared.
That's like Brian's Song.
Have you seen that movie, Brian's Song?
No, man.
It's a good movie.
Yeah, it's sad, though.
But I could see you growing pubic hair like a really sad song.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Who's this little fucking white dude you have here, man?
That's premature Nick, dude.
He was a premature baby.
I can tell, man.
Can you a little?
Yeah, his head is like misshapen.
Whoa, dude.
Yeah.
That's not true.
He's handsome.
He's handsome.
He's early handsome.
No, he's got a point.
I shaved my head in eighth grade, and I got a lumpy, lumpy head.
I can tell that, yeah.
My grandma was mad.
Yeah.
It's like God, when he was making you, man, he was in a rush.
Right?
Like, when he made Brad Pitt, right, he spent like three weeks.
Right?
Like, you know, like, and then with you, it was like, ta-ta-ta-ta, and then
sent him down
here.
The sketch was good, but the final product.
Yeah, the sketch was good.
I think there was some issues.
Yeah.
It was like an early factory deal that they had.
Yeah.
God, when they made me, he made like 3,000 of me at the same time.
He went, pap, and we're all made, and we came down here.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I could have twins, man.
Dude, I was just in Shanghai, man.
I just got back.
Why?
Yeah.
Why'd you come back?
I was there for comedy.
Dude, you should go.
They won't get me, man.
Yeah, dude.
Bro.
Because they're Chinese, right, bro?
Yeah, they're Chinese, dude.
Yeah, the Chinese don't like me.
The ching-chongs don't like me, dude.
Really?
Yeah.
Can I say ching-chong or what?
You can.
You've never said it before?
Look, dude, here's what I say about, I don't use racial slurs, unless you do.
You know what I'm saying, boy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Noah, but I was just there, bro.
It was fascinating, man.
Do you feel, and I've always wanted to ask you this, do you feel Asian?
Like, does it feel Asian when you wake up?
No, no, no, no.
See, that's a funny thing.
That's a good question, dude.
That's ridiculous.
Is it really?
Yeah, because I wake up, I don't even think about it.
Really?
Yeah, this is what the first, I think, what time is it?
Every time I wake up, what time is it?
Right.
And then I go.
That's what I think.
Where's my phone?
That's the second thing.
Yeah.
And then the third thing is, I gotta pee.
Yeah, me too.
Then the fourth thing is, I should get some coffee or something.
Yeah, I need some water.
Something to get me, or water or something.
You should get some sort of liquids.
Yeah, I need liquids, right?
Then the fifth thing is, am I Asian?
Really?
No.
No, you don't think about it.
Even when you look in the mirror, you don't go, oh, I'm Asian.
Right.
Because the thing is, is that I've just always been this.
Yeah.
You know, the Asian stuff and the way I look is only white people made me aware
of that.
Oh, wow.
People like you.
Really?
Yeah, because, you know, when I was a kid and they used to, kids used to come
and they do
the eye thing.
They used to stretch their eyes like this and go, ching chong, and all that
kind of stuff.
People used to do that to me too, because I have real lean eyes.
They used to do it to you?
Yeah.
Right in the South?
People used to call me Chop Boy.
They used to call me Bruce Lee.
Yeah, they used to call me all of that, dude.
Were you offended by it or what?
I guess it kind of hurt my face.
It just made me feel like, oh, maybe I look a little strange, you know?
No, but that's not a strange look.
I mean, looking Asian when you're Polish and Nicaraguan, I think it's kind of a
wild idea.
It is a wild idea.
Yeah.
But when you were in Shanghai, did anyone go, are you half Chinese?
I think some people looked at me like maybe I knew something.
Yeah, you do look like you know something.
You know?
Because you know what I'm saying?
I have lean eyes.
I'm lean in the visuals.
But can I say this that says something about you, man?
Yeah.
You do.
You are one of those trustworthy whites.
Yeah.
Even when I first met you.
Not you, not so much.
But when I met you, I was like, this guy would never hang me.
Yeah.
I wouldn't.
Yeah, because you're like.
I'd sneak out there at night and give you water.
Oh, you're like a Schindler.
Yeah.
While you were hanging.
Right.
He's like a Schindler.
The day before they were going to hang you.
What?
The day before they were going to hang you, I'd sneak out there that night and
give you water.
Yeah, but what if I said, hey, hey, hey, can you get me out of here?
I would say I can't.
Why?
Because they're going to know.
They're going to know?
And I'll die too.
Okay, but I'm going to die.
Yeah, I know you are, buddy.
It says that comforting.
It doesn't feel good.
Let it keep going.
You haven't fucking let the scene play out.
Okay.
I know you're going to know.
Let's start from the top then.
Okay.
Okay, hold on.
Thanks for that.
Hold on.
Yeah.
So it's nighttime, right?
Right.
And it's raining.
What year is it?
I have to know what year it is.
It's whenever you guys died, dude.
1670.
All right.
Let's do.
Okay.
Let's just say 1967, Alabama.
And your shoulder was more jacked.
Alabama.
Not Alabama.
We're fucking hanging Asians in Alabama.
Where?
This is San Francisco, wasn't it, where they killed a lot of Asian people?
Wasn't that where they?
No, well, that was in the 40s during World War II.
They had internment camps.
Yeah.
But they didn't hang the Japan