Name: Huffing Cups | This Past Weekend #117
Uploaded: 2018-07-30T13:12:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Huffing Cups | This Past Weekend #117' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Huffing Cups | This Past Weekend #117' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-30. Transcript available.

Huffing Cups | This Past Weekend #117

all right man sometimes you know the thing about life for me hold on
i'm supposed to clap three times before i start recording because so well shit
let me do it again
that second clap was kind of weak could you hear it no that was that was weak
damn boy i got weak
claps hold on there we go three mighty claps and you're supposed to do that so
the audio engineer
my producer nick so he can line up the video and the audio together and able to
sync this and put
this out into the uh into the world so just so you know sometimes if you ever
hear people clapping or
making a loud sound in the beginning you know they use those sticks sometimes
on an acting set they'll
be like all right take two and they do that that's so they can line the audio
up with the video um i
don't know if that makes any sense i don't know if you care i don't know if i
care i honestly do not know
if i even care um but thank you guys for being here let's uh let's get into it
you wanna take a little move leave it on the floor meet me at the show don't
forget all of your dough
instead of this past weekend yeah
you wanna drink a little smoke a little dump don't bring all your bones you can
leave them at the door
instead of this past weekend yeah
get that head up
gang gang um that was submitted by rusty scott and that's some new music right
there that was
submitted by rusty scott and uh thank you brother for sending that in that wild
i was listening
through some stuff thinking like well what would be good to kind of what would
sound fun to start
to show off what else he sent this one in too i'll play this one as well here
we go
monday morning rolls around and you wake up on the floor gang gang bro whatever
it was you did last
night you won't be doing no more get that head up saturday was crazy as hell
and you hoped it would
get that man that's crazy right there and so that's a real song that came in
and uh thank you rusty scott for sending those in that second one man that's
the one i was looking for
actually played a different one first but i'm glad you guys got to hear both of
them uh that second one
made me laugh man that one made me put me in a good spirit right here out the
gate
out the gate
hope your weekend was good
and now we back in life you know it's back in lifetime
that's the thing sometimes man life comes at you
fast boy
dude what
how what did they put into life
to make it so fast you know
man i remember i remember being young and life was so slow
dude you could take a two-hour nap and wake up
and it would be earlier than when you went to sleep
man you
you had forever
remember when you were young and you had forever
there was no it just you had forever
man i miss that
i miss that you could
it just i don't know i guess that was
when you're young
you know everything is so new
everything is so novel
you know that's one thing i miss as well
like not only did you have so much time
but everything you did had such
it was so it had such a magnitude
to it
it had such a
like if you fell in love with somebody
that shit was deep
you know you woke up in the middle of the night
and you had love just
just hanging off of your bones you know
you had just
you had
i mean you felt your heart felt like it was just
just thinking about that person constantly
you know when you had that love
when you know when you had that young love
inside of you it would just
you know we just i mean it
you could feel it just hanging off of your neck
just with its arms wrapped around your neck like a hungry baby
that young love man it was just everything was
when you were young everything had such magnitude
everything had such girth and such claws
everything was so real and heavy
and strong and light
and heavy and light
at the same time
it was heavy because it was new and novel
and it was light because you had
you had time to explore it
and time to
for it to work out or to not work out
man i miss that about being young
i just miss that
you know like if you
man remember going out on the town
when you were young
man you're 16 years old
or you were
you know 22
when you hit the town
anything could fucking happen
bro
a friend pulled up
he showed up in a fucking van
he didn't even drive a van
one of his parents drove a van
and one of his parents
who were probably were not super smart
let their son
a 16 year old kid
take the fucking van
to go out
at night
is there any
how has that not caught on to parents
don't let your fucking son
take the van
a van is just a trap house on wheels
anything could happen
dude if somebody had a car
it was like oh things was limited
you know you could ride around
you could listen to some music
you could put some beers in a trunk
you could smoke a joint right
somebody had a fucking van
dude if your friend had a van bro
anything could happen
you could start a small business
you could run a butcher shop
in the back of that bitch son
you know what i'm saying
y'all doing 40 miles an hour
and fucking dropping bacon bits out the back
in a van
anything could happen in a van
you could start a little family back there
you could run a
you could start an advertising agency back there
you know it's mad men back here in the
in the third row
dude if you ever had a van with that third row
anything could happen in a van
but i remember when you were young
the night
the night was thick
boy you got out
you know your friend picked you up at 8 o'clock
y'all rolled out
if you was girls
you was a couple of bad bitches rolling out
you know
put in your fucking
you know
put in a real
you know
put your strongest tampon in
and hit the town
we doing it tonight
daniela
you know
you know what i'm saying
maria
you know what i'm saying
huh
huh susan
huh
tiffany
tonight
tonight
tonight we letting it all hang out
no bra tonight girl
i'm letting these titties touch the wind
man i miss that being young
you every
dude i remember we go out
man i remember one time
my buddy picked me up
and he had a van
he had the longest van you could get
if you ever seen that van
it was like for church right
but then every now and then
somebody who wasn't with the church
would get the church van
dude that thing had
nine
rows
you know what i'm saying
the eighth row was just for sin
the ninth row bro
they had usually like a little
you know a cooler back there
a couple of get you a couple of
you know some juice hitters
some um
you know capri suns
you know you get them capri suns
and you just juicing yourself up
just dousing yourself up with fruit juices
in that ninth row
then you jump back over the seat
into that eighth row
and sin again boy
you know what i'm saying
drop your sin stick in
and you had maybe a lady back there
or if you was being real wild
you might have had a little man
back there with you
you know and that was it man
that church
somebody
somebody who wasn't with the church
got that church van
and anything could happen
dude they
the fourth row
that was for remedial reading
they had tutoring going on
in the fourth row
the fifth row
they had somebody
who was usually grilling cheeses
you know doing grilling cheeses there
somebody hit you with that small
that just that
if
I don't know if you've ever eaten
a grill and cheese
but they're good
you know somebody
sometimes had a dog back there
and they were talking about
you know maybe they were going to
listen to widespread panic
or something
I mean anything
that lost
when somebody got
that
when somebody that wasn't
with the church
got the church van
dirty magic could happen
you know what I'm saying
dirty fucking magic
you know they had dirty
you know the one of the rows
it was somebody doing magic
or pretending they were doing magic
but really they were just trying
to touch each
you know just trying to get
a little bit of touch
you know
a little bit of David
David Coppin feels
you know what I'm saying
oh come back here
I'm gonna pull a rabbit
out this hat
but then you get back there
and the only thing in that hat
is you know
a little bit of
regular cock
and you're like
oh this
this ain't a rabbit
this ain't a rabbit
you know
but I'm gonna let that thing
hop around on me
man being young
man when you were
man anything could happen
when you were young
and when you had a friend
that got to somebody
that wasn't with the church
got that church van
could you believe
a parent
much less a parent
with the church
first of all
what is the church doing
selling that van
back out into the world
what do they think
is gonna happen
not every family
has 19 children
remember that van
you know the long van
I'm talking about
that thing was like
a 40 seater
you could put
two baseball teams
in the van
and still have
a couple rows
for referees
to sit between them
but in it man
when some
wild stuff happened
when somebody
who wasn't with the church
got a hold
of that church van
and they had a boy
like that in my town
this beautiful boy
named Samson
and he would come
pick us up
in that church van
bro
dude one of the windows
immediately
we couldn't get it open
somebody just fucking
broke that bitch
out with a hammer
and we were so full
we were in like
the sixth row
you couldn't even hear
the glass break
in the front
and we was smoking
giants in there
and we was smoking
just American
children's giants
just blowing
just huffing
huge amounts
of marijuana
into our lungs
and I'm talking
them horse leg
hitters man
we had one boy
with us
he was so weak
he couldn't even
hold up
some of the big
giants we was smoking
he couldn't even
hold them
he had to hold them
with both arms
and then also get
one of his legs
up there
to hold that giant
you know
he had to fucking
put a
he had to
he had to get
two hands
and a foot
up there
to hold that
giant up
to his mouth
and he was just
huh
dude
people smoking
horse legs
dude
equestrians
you know
what I'm saying
the kind of
giants that might
test positive
for doping
for steroids
them big
horse legs
baby
just
dude
I remember
I got high
one time
you know
they picked me up
at 8 o'clock
I got so high
I fell asleep
at 815
I was unconscious
right
but still
I was young man
and you could
you could faint
or pass out
you could die
when you were
young
and you wake
back up
two hours
later
and people
were like
where you been
you're like
I've been
fucking dead
in row 6
I'm like
well come on
back man
you're like
I'm back
now
you know
this is
reincarnation
past that
jaunt again
and you get
jaunted up
but I remember
all kind of stuff
people
you know
using
you know
making
you'd have a
one
row 7
or row 8
somebody making
illegal footwear
anything could
happen
you know
they had a couple
of children
back there
with printing
presses
you know
making propaganda
flyers
anything could
happen
you know
the first or
second row
that's where
people that
really you know
some people
were just
looking for a
ride
hitchhikers
everybody was
in that
church van
when somebody
that wasn't
with the church
got a hold
of it
you know
you'd have
people
in the second
row
or the third
row
you'd have
people
touching
each
other's
crotches
you know
fangabonging
you know
fangabonging
each other
but by the
seventh row
they'd be
raising a
child
the same
people
later that
evening
it was just
you know
anything could
happen
you get
married
in row
five
you know
what I'm
saying
child rearing
in row
seven
divorced
in row
eleven
working for
the city
in row
twelve
bam
son
you got
a whole
fucking
life
going on
in that
church
van
boy
thing
had
forty
six
rows
dude
they had
a funeral
going on
row
thirty
nine
somebody
gone
somebody
died
and this
time
died
for full
time
this
full
time
forty
hours
a week
dead
we're not
talking
part
time
but man
that was
a while
that was
a while
and that
was
while
being
young
and I
just
remember
that
I remember
that being
young
when
and you
know
one thing
people don't
realize this
about being
young
or maybe
people do
and maybe
I just
just learned
it
and so
suddenly
I think
that people
don't realize
it
isn't that
crazy
how sometimes
you'll be
like you'll
just learn
something
you'll be
like well
what people
don't
understand
people do
understand
it
you're j