Name: Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend #118
Uploaded: 2018-08-02T14:08:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend #118' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend #118' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-02. Transcript available.

Nikki Glaser | This Past Weekend #118

This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza and also Bronx Born Pizza
and Gray Block Pizza is
in Los Angeles on Pico Boulevard in Santa Monica and Bronx Born Pizza excuse me
I got some nutmeg
or something in my throat and Bronx Born Pizza is in Bend, Oregon. So if you're
in California or
Oregon you can stop into a place and get a beautiful slice of a beautiful pizza.
Thank you
Gray Block. Today's guest is fresh off of the Bruce Willis roast. She's a
comedian. She
is she's a sweet she's a sweet woman and it is Miss Nikki Glaser.
It was Sticky Nikki. Oh do people ever call you that? No. Really? Yeah. No I
wouldn't call her. I mean what would I I mean. Sticky Nikki is good.
Yeah Sticky Nikki has I can't believe that's not a porn star's name. I have
like a porn star's name. Glazer.
Nikki Glaser. I'd Glazer. Like that was the first time that I ever felt
attractive to a guy. Like I
I grew up being just like very awkward and being like no boy will ever like me
or see
me as someone that they would really date. I could see you as that the fucking
that
long breadstick. I'd fucking want to get at it. Thank you. I want to carve up
on that
puss dude. Come on. You don't think that people would want to? Well in high
school I don't know what you were like but I was just
not cute. I just didn't figure it out until like junior year and then I overheard
a guy
pointing at my picture in the yearbook and being like
I'd like to glaze that and I was like
oh my god a guy wants to
jizz on me. Like it felt
I felt so beautiful. Yeah. That was the first
time I was like am I attractive to men?
Oh that's cool. Yes.
And that and some of that's natural I think anytime
you hear somebody like
yeah if you hear somebody that say they want to you know
spray out on you I guess it does fire you up
as a child you know. It was just
finally I mean it was
yeah I was I just was waiting for that moment. It was happening to all my
friends and I was like
when is someone going to notice me? Yeah.
And it was just that kind of like taking my glasses off and letting my hair
down and they're like
you're beautiful. I was like I am. Wow.
And then it took me many many years before I let like any guy. I didn't like
kiss someone until I was
my junior year was my first kiss and then after that it was like years before I
had another kiss.
Really? And then I didn't have sex until I was 21 and then it was years until I
started like
having actual you know you
you lose your virginity but that doesn't mean you're just like
banging left and right. Oh yeah. You just kind of get it over with.
Oh yeah. I lost my virginity behind a bowling alley dude which is crazy.
Yeah. Behind a bowling alley.
Yeah. That's such a
And people were throwing rocks at us. There was this kids
Oh my god. Well there was this one kid definitely
and something was wrong with him. I mean
nothing's wrong with him by our standards. Something's not you know
God didn't put him down here at a hundred percent. You know what I'm saying?
If you will. And uh
But him and some other kids were throwing
He wasn't properly charged.
It might not have been rocks. It might have been shale stone but it was still
hard enough dude. It's hard to fuck when people are throwing rocks at you dude.
It's like the Middle East.
Were you in a car?
Yeah.
It's like the Gaza Strip.
That's what they
Oh my god. Okay. So were you in a car? Were you outside?
Outside. Outdoors.
And so you were standing? Yeah. Up against like a
truck or something I picture? No.
A building. A building.
Yeah. Jesus.
And how did this go down? That's a respect for me and the lady.
Well you were having rocks thrown at you. I don't
This. It was a bowling alley.
So wait a second. How did this like happen?
How did you go? We were in love. We were in love.
Oh you. It was your girlfriend? Oh yeah.
Oh okay. Why do it there?
You know
I just think it you know
we were you know we could do it there.
We were young. You can stand and fuck
easier when you're young. Yeah.
Remember those days?
I mean no.
I think I like started having sex
when everyone was done standing and fucking.
Oh wow. Well you're tall too.
It's not fun trying to fuck a tall girl really.
Honestly. Oh no.
Really?
I mean here's the thing.
I come in. I'm that fucking Polish bad boy.
I roll in at six feet you know.
I'm that Polish Nicaraguan.
Just I'm that you know
I roll in at that you know
just that basic height.
And so and
and it's hard.
It's definitely you got to really
you have to have a little bit more of a plan.
You got to really want to fuck
to fuck a tall girl.
Yeah.
I um
I've never had any complaints
but I date a lot of short guys too.
Like I'll date guys
that are shorter than me.
I just need like
you just need to be strong.
You can be short
and be like strong
and I can still get thrown around
and stuff.
But yeah
having sex standing up
I don't do it as much
and it's probably
because I'm a tall lady.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's just a bummer
I feel like
because it seems like
you know
it's it's like a fun thing to do.
I remember when I was young
it seemed like pretty fun
you know.
Yeah.
And then
but I
but for taller girls
it's like
you know
I feel like you had to like
if you see if you want to
have sex in the kitchen
or something
and you wanted to get behind your lady
you had to like
for a tall girl
you had to like almost
you know
open the fridge
and like you know
put a foot on that crisper drawer
or something
or you had to plan ahead.
Yeah.
I do have to do some angling
anytime I have
I mean
it's all about angles
and like what's the right
like some people
I am not one of these girls
that's like
I love being on top
like I just
being on top for me
as
first of all
it's really a lot of work
like it's like
it hurts your legs a lot
and
and it just doesn't
it doesn't do whatever
like
I need it to do
to like have the best time
down there.
Yeah.
like the angle
isn't my favorite
but some girls are like
I can only do it on top
and I feel like
they're watching me too much
like I kind of like to be
able to be
well
I just
yeah
the girl on top
I've not
I'm always a girl on bottom
you are
I want to just relax
like I want to accept
the sex
and just like
like
I don't just lay there
I'm not just like
but like
I like to be
I like to be
the victim
yes
yeah
yeah
yeah
and I mean
I guess that word
is not great to use
but I kind of like
what you're saying
because I like to be
pursued
and like
like I just want to feel
I think every woman
not every woman
but I know me
and a lot of women
we just want to feel
so desired
like I had a hookup recently
where I was like
this guy
doesn't care enough
like he's not psyched enough
for this to be happening
and he should be so psyched
because I looked so hot
that night
and I'm like
why
you don't deserve this
I got really mad
what were you wearing
what were you wearing
I was wearing like
it was the night of the roast
of Bruce Willis
so I was
looked the hottest I'll ever look
I was peaking that night
oh wait
I saw some images
and you had like a
kind of a V cut dress
and it was like about
you know
10% of titty on each side
kind of gleaming out
you know
gleaming
fucking peaking out boy
and fucking
you know
just gloating around the side
you know
I told my
the people dressing me
I was like
I want to look
like I feel like
I'm peaking right now
like it's kind of downhill
as a woman
after
like when you start
I'm 34
well it's just
after this
it could be
you could get very angry
you could get alcoholic
too if you want to
yeah I could
that will not happen to me
I don't think
but I think that as
it's just like
I just feel like
I'm the best
I'll ever look
and I just have to
embrace it
and be like
okay
like just seize this moment
and just try to look
as hot as you can
because it doesn't get
better than this
so I told the women
dressing me
I was like
I want to look
so hot
because on the
first of all
as a comedian
I can't dress up
hot every night
it's a distraction
on stage
and it's a lot of work
but for the roast
you get to just go
total full
celebrity glam
you know
so I was like
let's just do it
I want
every guy
who's ever hurt me
to look at pictures
of me from that night
and be like
I fucked up
yeah
like that's
that was my goal
that was like
it was like
your me-once moment
yes
it was like
I want a me-once
yeah
I want it
I really
that was my goal
was like
there are certain guys
I had in mind
that I'm like
I want them to look
at these pictures
and be like
god damn it
I shouldn't have
let that go
yeah
yeah I like that
like Chris Fairbanks
I know you and Chris Fairbanks
dated a long time ago
yeah
and he just got a hip replacement
which is pretty cool
yeah
he's not someone
that I'm like
look what you missed out on
because he's like
a nice guy
and that ended
like
we could take that out
no you don't have to
take that out
but he's great
there's just like
you know those people
that you're just like
oh yeah
you idiot
but then I ended up
hooking up with one of these guys
and I'm like
you idiot
you get to hook up
with me right now
I don't do this all the time
I don't like hook up
yeah
and I just was
but I was feeling so great
that night
and it was such a fun night
that I was like
I deserve this
I deserve to get fingered
tonight
and so I
I'm taking him
behind the bowling alley
tonight
you know what I'm saying
break out the fucking
buckets of gravel
in the distance
let's fuck
you know
let's party dude
you know
fire away
get your rocks ready
fire away
that's awesome
and so you met a man
now was this a celebrity
no
he's a guy
that I had
built some rapport with
like I'm never a girl
that's just like
that guy
tonight
never met him
get over here
he's a guy
that I had been
chatting with
we had made out
once before
but he had kind of
been avoiding
like he's
he would like
say I want to
take you out on a date
and then never ask you
which is like
the classic
I've done that before
I want to hang out
and then you just
never do
we all have busy laughs
for years
I have done this thing
I used to do this thing
for years
where I would just be
texting girls
for years
we're gonna meet up
years
dude
every other day
and then finally
that went away
because they learn
that you're full of shit
and then they just
well we would both
entertain it though
we both entertained
this crazy
just delusional wheel
yeah
that we're actually
gonna hang out
yeah
that was what was
going on
where it was
I started to realize
none of these plans
were coming to fruition
and so I just was like
okay I'll just have fun
with this
and then we started
there was some sexting
going on
so that
and then I realized
oh I don't take
this person seriously
as like a boyfriend
prospect
which then frees yourself
up as a woman
to be like
okay I can just like
hook up with this guy
and I don't care
if he calls me
the next day
because I don't
really want him to
because I don't
trust him
to be there
he can't even get
one date on the books
let alone be my boyfriend
yeah this guy's not
gonna be able to handle
a whole child on the books
yes
so well I don't want a kid
but like even just
yeah a puppy
he's not gonna be able
to handle a shared
beach on the books
yes
this guy is
I don't want to say
worthless
but it felt that way
like I like when
a guy proves himself
to be so disappointing
across the board
but in a kind way
yeah
where you go
okay I can hook up
with you
and feel nothing afterwards
or at least think
I will feel nothing
sometimes your body
does things
when you're having sex
that you don't want
to happen
like as a woman
when a man is inside you
like chemical stuff happens
yeah yeah
that
so that's why I avoid sex
because I'm sober
and like
when you have sober
when I was drunk
I could have sex
and not retain feelings
because I didn't remember
the sex I was having
but now I'm sober
and I'm like
it's connected
there's a lot of chemistry
going on
in your body
that
you could not like this person
then have sex with him
and you go
oh I'm suddenly thinking about him
and it's not even your
you don't even mentally like him
it's like your body thinks
that