Name: Honest with Myself | This Past Weekend #119
Uploaded: 2018-08-06T13:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Honest with Myself | This Past Weekend #119' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Honest with Myself | This Past Weekend #119' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-06. Transcript available.

Honest with Myself | This Past Weekend #119

This podcast is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los
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Also, Bronx Born Pizza up in Bend, Oregon.
We're grateful to both of those places for their support since pretty much day
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We wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them.
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This weekend, I'll be in Pasadena on Wednesday, August 8th at the Pasadena Ice
House.
Tickets available at TheoVaughn.com slash tour.
As well, in two weeks, I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Chicago.
After that, Nashville, also Charlotte.
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And that is October 4th through the 6th.
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You know, sometimes you see that swimming pool when you jump in and you don't
know how deep it is.
That's where I'm at today.
You know, sometimes you jump into a pool and it's beautiful.
You just get wet.
Sometimes you jump in and that bottom is two inches down.
And that water had that little, you know, that's a mirage.
That's a damp mirage.
And sometimes you don't get wet.
You get straight up handicapped.
Sometimes you get wet.
Sometimes you get wheelchaired.
So, who knows?
But this is where we are right now.
We're flying by the seat of our pants.
And we're in the air.
And let's hit this pool.
Let's see how deep this thing is.
That's a little hitter right here.
A little diddy.
Memphis is 200 miles away.
Memphis is 200 miles away.
Memphis is 200 miles away.
Memphis is 200 miles.
So, I just sit and laugh and smile.
Memphis is where that old evil woman stays.
Memphis.
Where that old evil woman stays.
She's got a chair on her shoulder.
Since the day she left her home.
She thought her daddy didn't love her.
And she was born to Rome.
She made her mama cry.
River.
And she didn't give a damn.
That's about the time I left.
Because that's the fool I am.
She had a man at the time.
Who was on his way to jail.
And I thought she needed someone different.
To drag with her to hell.
She played my heart just like a guitar.
And she didn't skip a beat.
Now I thank the Lord above.
She's so far away from me.
Because Memphis is 200 miles away.
Memphis is 200 miles away.
Memphis is 200 miles.
So, I just sit and laugh and smile.
Memphis is where that old evil woman stays.
Memphis is where that old evil woman stays.
Man, everybody's got an evil woman in the distance.
Don't they?
And it might be an actual woman.
You know, it might be that dirty damsel.
You know, it might be that little dandruff damsel in the distance.
That just, man, you just can't help but scratch your head when it comes to
thinking about that woman.
But then it might be a pervert, you know, not even a real woman.
Just a hypothetical.
A woman.
It might be a thing.
An object.
It might be just something.
You know?
It could be a drug in the distance.
That you keep far away.
It could be a memory that you're hiding from.
Or that you're running from.
Or this that you steer clear of.
You know, it could be something that you keep at arm's length.
You know, we all have things.
And, you know, we don't know.
Who knows if we all have things.
I have things that I keep at arm's length.
You know, I have some things that I keep.
You know, I have some truths that I keep at arm's length.
You know, I don't always want to be fully honest with myself.
You know, I think it's interesting how wild it is to be fully honest.
If I want to tell myself the 100% truth.
I don't know.
I don't want to do that.
You know, I don't want to do that.
I get scared of telling myself the truth.
The truth?
Man, what if I'm fully honest with myself?
What could happen?
You know, and that's one of my goals this year and the rest of this year.
Is to get fully honest with myself.
You know, just to live in the.
Just to.
I just don't.
Man, I.
And I don't think.
And I don't have a lot of skeletons in the closet.
But damn, boy.
You could hear some femurs just acting fancy in there once in a while.
You know.
And the crazy thing about honesty.
The crazy thing about the truth.
The truth, I feel like, carries a drum.
The truth carries a drum.
And in the beginning.
When you have the truth and you don't let the truth free.
When the truth is free, you can't hear it.
But when you put that truth away, it gets its little drum out.
And it'll just start making a little sound.
And a little sound.
And then that sound just keeps.
That sound grows in you.
Until that truth is just fucking Jerry Page or whatever.
Or, you know what I'm saying?
Fucking Lonnie Van Zant back there.
Just beating the hell out of that thing.
And then you just.
Dang, man.
The truth will not.
It just.
You know.
That's just that sound.
And it just wants to get out.
And that's the truth.
The truth wants to be quiet.
But it has to be free.
And when you got that truth caged up.
Boy, that thing can get really loud.
And that's where I'm at sometimes.
Just living sometimes.
You know.
I just want to live.
I want to live on that plane of just freedom.
And so that's one of my goals this year.
To get even closer to that plane if I can.
And it's a journey.
I think that's all life is.
Man.
We're out here on a journey.
You know.
We're out here in this rowboat.
You ever bought a bad boat off of somebody?
You ever bought a bad boat?
You're like.
Damn, dude.
Look at that fucking boat, man.
And they're like.
Oh, it's a good boat.
And you're like.
Okay.
Here's some money.
Then you're out in that bitch.
And you're like.
What the fuck, dude?
This boat is bad.
And that's life sometimes.
You start.
Dude.
Think about this.
You get life at zero.
You're like four days old.
You get to be alive.
Two days old.
Whatever.
Six minutes old.
And you get that.
Right out the gate.
You get life.
And then you're out there.
20, 30 years.
You're like.
Damn, boy.
This thing.
This life's got a few holes in it.
My life's taking on water.
And I got to dry this thing out.
And it's.
And it's hard, man.
It's hard.
Because you don't know.
You don't know that.
You know.
You just don't fucking know.
Whatever.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
You just keep rowing, bro.
You just keep rowing.
It's not always going the way you want, bro.
But onward, right?
What's up?
Thank you guys for being here.
I just got back from Minneapolis.
I want to thank everybody that came out.
I got back from Rochester.
I worked with Gary Vaynerchuk this weekend.
And Gary Vaynerchuk.
Man, he's that.
He's that money-minded little.
He's that little dollar monster.
He's that money muppet.
And he likes money.
He likes business.
You know, he's like that.
You know, he's like the Walter White of fucking Wall Street.
You know?
He talks about money.
He talks about business.
He talks about succeeding.
And look, I, you know, I'd seen videos of his on Facebook.
And I was like, what is this guy?
Is this for real?
What's his deal?
And I'll tell you this.
From walking away, I was, you know, I was out there with this group called
Stationary Astronaut.
We were in Rochester, Minnesota.
And it was great.
And I sat in the back.
You know, I performed last.
The comedians were going on at the end.
And Gary Vaynerchuk was a big draw there.
And people brought tickets to go see him.
And some people brought tickets to come see me.
And we did the show.
And it was great, man.
It was a great experience.
And Gary Vaynerchuk, man, he gave out some good advice.
He gave out some good advice.
Here's a couple things that he said.
He said, and I'll, you know, like I'm just sharing this information that I
heard with you.
Now, and this is stuff that I took that I thought was helpful.
He said that, he thought that right now these are simple things.
Might mean nothing to nobody.
That land, that you could get real estate in New York for pennies on the dollar
right now, he thought.
And another thing that he said was that advertising on Instagram and Facebook
are cheaper than they will ever be.
Or as cheap as they will ever be.
So they utilize those tools.
And he also just, I think he genuinely wants people just to be, to be woke.
You know, to be woke up when it comes to business.
If they want to do business.
Now, some people, it's like, you know, you were infected with this world where
everything, you got to do business.
You know, and Gary Vaynerchuk seemed like that money Muppet.
You know, he got that, like if you, say if we's all Muppets.
Because we's all.
And somebody put a hand up you.
Who gots a hand?
Whose hand is in your butt?
Is making you live your life?
Whose hand is up you?
Is up your skirt?
Up your full body skirt, you know, and making you Muppet.
Is it a, is that person a therapist?
Is that person a banker?
And Gary Vaynerchuk, whoever, you know, whatever hand is coming to him, it's
that money hand.
You know, it's that banker hand.
And he likes money and he likes business.
And I think he just likes effectiveness.
But it was interesting, man.
And, and it was a blast.
We had a good time there in Rochester.
And Rochester, Minnesota, if there's a city on earth where there are angels at,
man, it's Rochester, Minnesota.
I mean, this city, first of all, the Mayo Clinic is there.
And the Mayo Clinic, you know, when I was young, some people know and some
people don't.
My sister was, suffered from a rare liver disease called biliary atresia.
And it affects one in maybe almost half a million children.
And they're, something with their liver, their bile duct or something that
doesn't work.
And, you know, I remember as a kid, man, it would be so crazy because we couldn't
touch our little sister.
You know, and we couldn't like hug her and we couldn't play with her because
she was sick.
And so it was, you know, I think some of my connectivity issues and stuff,
I think a lot of my intimacy issues maybe even developed right there, you know,
like, you know,
and you don't realize it when you're a kid as much, but, you know,
it makes you kind of scared that you can't, you know, that you have a little
girl that's sick
and a little girl that's sick and then you can't touch her, you know, you can't
play with her.
You're scared you're going to hurt her or something.
Because she had to wear like a bag, you know, sometimes and she had to, you
know,
I remember she would go away and she was two years younger than me.
So she would go away and she'd come back with all these scars on her, you know,
they would, you know, you know, they'd carve into her a little bit.
She'd come back looking like, you know, like that Thanksgiving turkey about
three hours into the giving.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, that turkey gave, you know, if on Thanksgiving, say dinner's at one,
you go take a gander.
You know what I'm saying?
You drop eyeballs on that fucking turkey about 3.30 in the af