Name: A Little Disjointed | This Past Weekend #121
Uploaded: 2018-08-13T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Little Disjointed | This Past Weekend #121' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Little Disjointed | This Past Weekend #121' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-13. Transcript available.

A Little Disjointed | This Past Weekend #121

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Oh, man.
I just gave myself a freaking bad haircut.
You ever cut your own hair?
Probably not because if you did,
those listeners would probably be 7, 11, 12, 14 years old.
Sometimes that still flares up in me, though.
You know, I'll be in the bathroom or something at the house or I'll...
And I do shit when I'm running late.
Something's wrong with me.
I will literally...
I will be running late for something.
You know, I got 30 seconds till I gotta be downstairs
and I'll see a pair of scissors
and I'll remember,
oh, I got one stray hair on the sideburn or something.
Or I got an ear that's trying to,
you know, trying to grow a...
You know, I got an ear that's trying to
start sharecropping some hair of its own
and I'll start just...
I'll give myself a damn haircut.
And then I'll be...
And look, I've done it in my lifetime
probably 100, 200, probably 300 times.
And every time it's bad.
Every time the haircut that I give myself
in a hurry is bad.
But I continue to do it.
Every time the idea pops in my head,
it's like it's the first time it popped in
and it could be good.
That's how it breaks down inside of my head.
Something is wrong with me.
What is wrong with me?
I don't know.
Maybe nothing.
Maybe everything's okay
and this is just who I am.
I don't know.
We're about to find out about all of this.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Welcome to this past weekend.
piano plays softly
Oh, Mother, may I open my eyes
Cause there's a great big world waiting right outside
Man, that sounds good, huh?
Oh, Mother, may I raise my voice
We the people have that joy
Mother, may I rest my head
Though I did not try my best
Mother, may I sip the wine
Though I did not tend the vine
Mmm, that's powerful
I'm gonna keep riding this one for a second, guys
I'm in this
I'm in here
Oh, dear
But you can't comfort me
Mmm
Well, devil, I do have your name
Mmm
Stuck in my ear and I'm to blame
Come on, man, come on
Yeah, man
Though I beg you, let me be
Devil, you ignore my plea
Mmm
Though I beg you, let me be
The devil
You ignore my plea
Man
I didn't expect to go into that song that long
But that boy's voice is thick, isn't it?
That boy got that
Man
And you can hear in his voice
I hear it all in his voice
Sometimes people have a special gift in them
And they have just that voice
And you hear just the whole world
Inside of their
Man, in that boy's voice right there
That is
Evan Bartels
Or Evan Bartels
Evan Bartels
I bet it's Bartels
That is Evan Bartels
And we're gonna put a link to that song
And that is The Devil, God, and Me
And so you can go listen to that
It's on YouTube
And we'll put some other links to it
Right here on everything
Evan Bartels
Man, you know, there's a lot of beautiful music out there
But that boy's got something in him
You know, when I hear
And I wonder what it is about singing
Because it's him
It's this man
It's this singer
This musician, of course
He's singing the song
And the words are strong
You know
You know
The words
And it's just a perfect mix
That's what it is
There's moments where something is just a perfect mix
And for that
And you know, some people might not
If you don't like this kind of music
Then you're like
Well, can you hurry on
And get on to something else, Theo?
But I like
I mean, I just
You know
He's just talking about things
Talking about
Can he sip the wine
If he didn't tend the vine?
You know
Talking about his mother
If he's allowed to speak up
If he's allowed to use his voice
You know, just different things
And just
Yeah, that thing gets me, man
The Devil, God, and Me
By Evan Bartles
And we'll put the links to that
Oh, man
What's going on?
There's just that perfect
Man, in that boy's voice
You could hear it all
I could hear a wagon
Coming across a prairie
You know
I could hear a fire
I could hear a fire
Going
You know
I could hear
I almost
Man, I could see Adam and Eve
Looking up at the sky
And witnessing the Big Bang
I could see it all
You know
I could see a shooting star
I could see a mountaineer road
I could see a ocean
Just tackle a fucking universe
I could see it all
I could see a couple crickets
Fucking
In that boy's voice
I could just see it
It just like the whole
I could see it
The whole timeline of everything
You know
I could see the sands
Just covering up
Civilizations
You know
Just strong wind
Picking up in the sand
I mean
The desert just needs
One strong whip of wind
And it could hide
A whole civilization
It could hide
Thousands of years
Of existence
Just from one of
Just mother nature
Got
Just
You know
Cut a strong wind
Across the desert
You know
Mother nature just
You know
Bust a strong fire
And next thing you know
The desert has shifted
All of its granules
And covered up
A whole civilization
We live in a powerful world
Man we forget that
I forget it
I don't say we forget it
I don't know what you do
But I forget it sometimes
I forget that
Man I live in a powerful
I'm just a
I'm just a
Damn
I'm just a meandering
I'm just a meandering problem
I'm just a meandering problem maker
On this beautiful
Science experiment
Out here in the middle of nowhere
And every now and then
It's hard for me to capture
The whole
Universe of
Everything that's going on
In the one moment
But then sometimes
That's the gift of music then
For me
Is that sometimes
A voice
And a moment
And some lyrics
And stuff come along
And they put it together
Right for me
You know
That boy did it
He did it right there
And that is
The Devil God and Me
By Evan Bartles
Thank you for being here
Thank you for
Spending some time with me
Cutting me on
And whatever
If you driving around
In that Honda Civic
Or whatever
You got that Toyota
To sell baby
You know what I'm saying
You and Charlisha
Out there
Stunting
You know
Y'all might be
Having a little bit of sweat
Under y'all's breasts
But y'all
That ain't mean nothing
You know what I'm saying
That's just summertime
That's just summertime
Causing a little bit
Of body skeet
That's nothing boo
That don't mean
Y'all can't pull over
And fucking split
A butterfinger
You feel me
Dude
My mom used to get
We used to
My mother had a Ford Fiesta
Growing up
And I don't know
If you ever seen that car
You might not have seen it
Because
It's only about
Six and a half feet long
So you could be
Looking around
And not even really see it
It almost looks like a
Dude I remember one time
We pulled up next to a dumpster
To throw some stuff in it
And the dumpster was
Bigger than
Bigger than the whole car
Like damn
This car's small
This car real real small
It looked like a pregnant
Roller skate
It looked like a roller skate
Had been fucked
By a couple of
You know
You know maybe a couple of
Not a couple
But a Doc Martin
Looked like a Doc Martin
Had fucked a roller skate
And then
But they hadn't
Gotten along
And then the roller skate
Moved to Seattle
To have the baby
By itself
And then it gave birth
To the Ford Fiesta
I think that was it
Ford Fiesta
Ford
What was the
My mom had a Ford
Small Ford car
Ford Fiesta
Yeah
It must have been
A Ford Fiesta
Bro
That thing was nothing
Fusion Mustang
Fiesta
I don't know man
Fiesta sounds too fancy
What else dude
Ford Fiesta
It must have been a Fiesta
But it was the kind of car
My mom could beat
My mom
It was she
So mom would drive
We had four children
You know
And my brother
And he was pretty browned up
My brother
My brother got a lot
Of the Latino
Kind of coloring
That was in our blood
In Native American
That's what we had
In our blood
In Polish
You know
About that Polish power
And then a couple cuts
Of Italian
Because you can't keep
Italian out of anything
You can't keep
Italian out of any
Gene pool
Start a gene pool
Somewhere
And look at
And walk away
For a little bit
And then come back
They'll have a couple
Of Italians in there
You know
Soaking their legs
You can't keep
Italian out of
Any gene pool
It's the strongest gene
I think
You know
As soon as
They start
As soon
They're gonna
Start coming out
With black Italians
And it's a wrap
You can't stop
A black Italian
There will be
An unstoppable
Community
Of humanity
And I'm excited
For it dude
That beautiful
Black
You have a beautiful
Black physique
Boy
That Italian
That wild
Italian hair
Bro
Come on
Dude
A dude
Fucking just
Straight up
Duncan
He's got
Calzones
Tattooed on his
Fucking biceps
Come on
That'd be beautiful
What am I talking about
I don't know dude
I've had fucking
Anxiety out the
Yang yang
Bro
Dude I've had some
Anxiety recently
And I might be
Eating some pitted
Cherries during this
Because I picked me up
A little sack of
Cherries on the way
Here
Man I love a damn
Cherry
My daddy used to
Eat cherries
But I'll say this
Man
Oh I forgot to tell you
I was talking
That Ford Fiesta
That Ford
Because we had a
Ford Esc
I had a Ford Escort
But my mother
Had a Ford Fiesta
And the beautiful
Thing about the
Ford Fiesta
Was you could
Beat somebody
If you was the
Parent or you
Was the captain
Or the driver
You could beat
Somebody
You know no
Matter if you
Had four children
We'd all be in
There
Oh my brother's
Skin tone
That's what I was
Talking about
So we had
So we had
Yeah we had
The four children
And my mom
She could
Bam
Bam
Bam
Bam
Because she did
She would stretch
In the morning
And my mom
She could put that
Shoulder straight back
You know
She was double jointed
In her shoulders
And that helped
To beat children
And my mother was
You know
She might have been
Aggressive
I wouldn't call my
Mother an abuser
I don't know if she
Was physically abusive
At least for that
Period of time
It wasn't
But
Man she was
I mean like
She was playing
The cymbals dude
She fucking
Hit a E flat
Off of daddy's
Forehead too
My mom could
Whoop some
Ass
Boy
But that
And that was
Part of the day
Back then man
Getting your ass
Whooped
I didn't think
You were a real
Child if you
Didn't get your
Ass whooped
If you never
Had your ass
Whooped
Come on
Were you really
A child
Think about it
Your mother
Never whooped
You
Come on
Or your daddy
Never whooped
You
I don't know
I don't know
Man
Dude
I
Yeah I grew up
With a lot
I just had so much
Anxiety man
Everything
Man you know
I don't talk about
Anxiety that much
And I think
Because some of
My anxiety
Has gone away
From once I
Got in the
AA program
Or I started
Finding recovery
For myself
Or seeking out
Forms to make
Myself feel
Better
But dude
I had
Anxiousness
As a child
I had anxiety
And I think
Part of the
Reason I had
So much anxiety
As a child
Was because
I was
I was
Breastfed
On A cups
My mother
Had them baby
A's
You know
When it came
When it came
Time for
You know
On them
T-tiles
My mom
Had them
A coops
You know
Them baby
A cups
And for a baby
When you're
Trying to
Breastfeed
When you're