Name: One Degree | This Past Weekend #123
Uploaded: 2018-08-20T13:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One Degree | This Past Weekend #123' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One Degree | This Past Weekend #123' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-20. Transcript available.

One Degree | This Past Weekend #123

man i wish i had me a um ice cream snicker bruh dude i love ice cream snicker
um i've look if
i'm gonna treat myself to something that's gonna be an ice cream snicker anyway
uh today's episode
is brought to you by gray block pizza gray block pizza 1811 pico boulevard in
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lastly today's episode is brought to you by aware study aware is one of the
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all right thank you guys for being here i just got back from chicago and i'm
happy uh i'm happy to be
here man fucking what am i i don't know i'm here man i'm here let's go
you know that soon we're gonna die
you know that soon we're gonna die
let's have some fun while we all die
there you go that is spencer jacob growl band
now spencer jacob growl
um and and and that song that was
for eight months a year that was our intro music
remember that guys
all them wildcats out there
that was our intro music that was the song we used every single week
time after time that was our intro music
oh man i just saw my instagram feed somebody put up a shot of some
real like in a swimsuit
man instagram's so dangerous because look
you'll be doing you look you'll be putting
you know you'll be about to read a bedtime story to a child
you about to read a bedtime story to a little damn child
you know and then you look at instagram just for a second you latch on just
take a peek
and they got some somebody showing their breasts out
or some lady saying oh just got back from the dentist
and all she got is a little and it's like her backside with a little piece of
just
floss going through that a's you're like what
look at the underbite on that freaking camel toe right there
what's going on
i mean it's just the problem is it's a pandora's box
that's what i'm saying about instagrams
because you go in there you know you're waiting for your kid your kids in the
in the in the toilet
you know and he's brushing his teeth
and he's in the toilet and he's brushing his teeth
and you're the you're the dad you're a parent
maybe you're a parent or you're an uncle
who people trust
and you got the kid in there he's brushing up
and you're like i'm gonna sit on a bed i'm gonna be a good parent i'm gonna be
a good role model
i'm gonna read a storybook to the child
maybe you're gonna read in one of those fancy books you know
um
horton hears a who or uh
you know um
one of the the spike lee autobiography i don't know whatever you read the kids
uh amelia bedelius
and then so you pet you the kids taking a long time to brush his teeth
because he's a fucking kid you know
and they don't know what they're doing
i remember our neighbor one time came over
and he's supposed to brush his teeth dude
he filled his whole mouth with
an entire tube of toothpaste
and then just
just swallowed it
you're like what what happened
and he thought he brushed his teeth
and it was like no he didn't brush him
he is an idiot
but so the kids in there next thing you know
finally the kid comes in the room
but you just peeked at your phone
and you see a girl
it's like oh
you know
just came back from my
you know from my great grandfather's funeral
and she just has a pair of like
you know breasts
and you're like what
what did that have to do with the funeral
it's just instagram is that pandora's box
you have to be careful
we got to be careful of our phones
you know i notice when i get up in the morning
i can't look at that phone man
if i look at the
the first thing i do is look at my phone
for me
my day is not going to be good
it's not going to be good
because that means that pandora
that means the devil
the devil lives in this rectangle
in that rectangle phone
or if you have a round phone
or something like that
the devil lives in there
and they will get you out of the gate
they will get you by the gunt
thank you guys for joining me
thank everybody that came out in chicago
man what a time
sold out all the shows
we went to the laugh factory
i'd never been to this club before
so thank you for people that came out there
for the first time
the staff was amazing
look man there's a guy curtis
that is the manager there
and this white dude named brian
that's a manager over there
and man those boys
the swaggiest squad ever
i mean just from top to bottom
good people over there
taking care of everything
you know just hustling
you know did so much to help out
me because i just had a stress
i showed up kind of stressed up
and they um
you know they just helped me out
you know somebody gave me
a little neck massage boy
and look a lot of people
go get parts of their body massaged
and they get their legs
or their butt or
you know sometimes you can just
you know drive down the street
by your neighbors
and somebody will just put a thumb
in your ass for a little bit
and shake it around
you know
that old fucking
you know that
give them that baby hitchhiker
you know
that old school massage boy
you know that benedict arnold
just sneak up around your ass
but um
but they had somebody there
gave me a little neck massage
and dude look i'll say this man
you know
i've never been erotic
with another man
or anything like that
and i'm not saying
i won't be one day
when i'm 70 or 80
after i've had a family
maybe a wife or two
you know
i might duck out
with a you know
with an urban guy
with a little asian gentleman
maybe i slip out
with some little soft little boy
you know
not boy man
i mean a soft little
you know
a male
i might slip out
with some little soft little
bad bad benjamin
maybe we move off
to a special island
or something
and uh
you know
zawat nile
out there
with morgan freemans
or whatever
and he out there
building a boat
and
and maybe we get out there
and we don't
you know
i don't think i'm gonna be
doing anything sexual
with dude
but i might be out there
we might stay up at night
and play checkers
or do something
you know
you know
play
you know
do some fucking
you know
aggressive thumb wrestling
but that's it
um
but anyway
what i'm saying is this
fuck what was i saying
man i forgot
oh
but they had a
dude they had a dude
over there
he convinced me
he's like look
you know
he's like look
look look look
i'm gonna break you off
this neck massage
and this dude
bro this dude
massaged my neck
so much
man it felt
dude my neck felt
like it wanted to say something
and i wasn't
and i didn't even know
what my neck was gonna say
man my neck felt like it
like it had been saving up
words of its own
instead of me forcing
these words
all these different words
through my neck
over the years
my neck was like
nah nah nah
i'm about to say
something on my own
and that's how good
the massage was
that that uh
that young man
put on my neck
boy
you know
he's that freaking
uh
you know
he's that um
he's that real
you know
he's that
that neck man
you know
he's you know
captain neck
and he neck
you know
the dude
got my neck right
you know
he got my neck right
uh
but i had a good time
in chicago
we had a great time
with a single mom
we took out a lovely
single mom
um
and her friend
she's a dance instructor
at uh
um
at
uh
columbia college
in chicago
and she was very charming
she has a six year old daughter
and man we had a blast
we went and sat
in the green room together
and did some paintings
we had a painting contest
this was pretty fun
and they were super patient
and we had a painting contest
and we each painted a clown
um
and you know
a clown is comedian's
worst nemesis
that's our
that is our
number one worst nemesis
and you know
a lot of my
nemesises
are
turpentine
clowns
what else
diseases
and a clown
um
so the three of us
she brought her girl
she brought her girlfriend
a friend of hers
who was a female
and uh
and man we had a good time
we just
we joked around
and we chatted
we talked about relationships
and stuff like that
and she was a really strong
and uh
and just wise woman
and she was fun
she was a lot of fun man
it was nice
and it was nice
we just spent some time together
you know
we just spent some time together
and we made
we painted these clowns
and then the early show
if you were at the early show
on Saturday
you got to uh
the audience got to judge
whose clown was the best
and mine came in second
uh
our single moms came in third
and her friend
uh
her friends came in first
and I don't want to put her on blast
but Raquel is uh
is her name
I just
I couldn't decide if it was
you know
yeah
you know
yeah
say her name
that is her name
Raquel
uh
beautiful lady
and uh
and we had fun man
it was cool
when they
you know
and her and her friend
they
every now and then
they'd just break out
these little dance moves
and they was
you know
showing daddy
a little bit of that
twerk twerk
uh
but it was great
so I want to thank our
patreoners
uh
for supporting that
and um
and we did it man
we got out there
and did it
and we're gonna continue
to do awesome things
uh
through the podcast
and um
and just keeping our mindset
uh
to not think about ourselves
uh
that's one of my
long-term goals
is to
just
I get tired of thinking
about myself man
it's almost exhausting
isn't it
you know
for me
sometimes it gets so
exhausting over the years
just all the
just concern
I've had for myself
just like
and it's not even
selfishness sometimes
it's just
you know
sometimes when you
grow up with anxiety
or you grow up with
being worried a lot
you just are like
you're just so aware
you're so hyper aware
of everything
that
you know
you're just always
like such a
um
it's like you're just
like a security guard
for yourself
at all times
and it can just be
exhausting
over the year