Name: Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124
Uploaded: 2018-08-23T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-23. Transcript available.

Joey Diaz | This Past Weekend #124

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What's up, guys?
Before I say today's guest, I want to let you know I'll be performing coming up
in Charlotte,
Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City, Toronto.
Just hold a beat on getting the Toronto tickets.
We're figuring that out if you already have them.
You know, just not sure yet if that's going to be coming to fruition.
And where else?
Appleton, Wisconsin, and Buffalo, New York are other places that I will be
coming to.
Today's guest is, he's just one of a kind.
You know, he's like a, it's like all of mankind got just put into one person.
And he's like an oracle to the great beyond and to the great ahead.
And he's one of the sweetest guys that I know and one of the absolute funniest,
get-you-out-of-your-seat, straight-up-savages.
Joey Coco Diaz is here with us today.
I want to know about that, bro.
That looked like the one thing I definitely wanted to be in.
Next time you come in with us.
I'd love to.
You're going to come with us.
Dude, I would love to go.
What a blast.
Because, so you guys had to pass, I know, so you guys at least got to skip some
of the line.
Oh, right through like doctors.
Because you guys must have had a million people trying to holler at you.
Oh, my God.
It was great.
It was great.
It was great, though.
You know, you don't know.
We'll save it for the podcast.
You don't really know how good Disneyland is until you get there.
Because we're all cheap.
Yeah.
And we're like $149.
I'm not going down there for $149.
And I was like, well, then when you sit on a ride, you go, I get it.
Yeah.
I'm safe.
Did Eddie have children with him or no?
Yeah.
He had his son with him.
Oh, he did?
Yeah.
His son and my daughter love each other.
Really?
Yeah.
They love each other.
They love each other.
Last Wednesday, we all go to the same restaurant on Wednesdays because kids eat
free.
Yeah.
And my daughter loves the spaghetti there.
Yeah.
The pasta restaurant.
It's the worst shit I've ever eaten in my life.
But they like it.
And last week we went and that's who was there.
Yeah.
It was Draco.
And we all hung out.
And the mom.
You know, it's a different world, man.
That's crazy, man.
And the kids, so does your daughter know about the podcast or anything?
She doesn't know about that.
Like, what does she kind of look at it as?
What the fuck she knows?
Yeah.
I don't know what the fuck she knows.
You know, she knows I got an office.
Yeah.
She goes over there.
She sees the microphones.
I got to hide the bongs and shit.
Mm-hmm.
She'll tell me she wants to go to your office, daddy, and clean it.
So I'll let her come over and wipe it down.
Have fun.
And give her, like, $5 just to, you know.
And she just lost a tooth, you said, on the way in.
You say your daughter just lost a tooth.
That's fucking mind-boggling, emotional.
Is it?
For me, it was.
Like, I'm not, you know, I'm from a different fucking world, bro.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember selling my teeth to some kid that came through town.
Yeah.
No, you didn't.
Just on the street, yeah.
Your baby teeth?
I don't know if they were baby or not.
Some of them might have been adult.
But my mouth kept making them, bro.
I needed them, you know?
My mouth was just producing fucking, this was like a silver mine, you know?
Or like something, you know?
Like, my mouth was like, do whatever we got to do to sell something.
You don't fucking make as much enamel as you need.
That's crazy.
I used to fucking be petrified at a dentist.
So I didn't go to the dentist for like 20 years.
So I was just doing my own dental work.
No.
Oh, yeah.
I'd get a bottle of Jack, get some Coke and shit, get fucked up, get a wrench,
and I'd
go to work, dog.
And just get in there.
Oh, yeah.
I pulled out like, all these are all fake.
Yeah.
I pulled out like three of those motherfuckers.
Fuck yeah.
Wow.
And then the day I did go to the doctor, I went to this Kevin named Kevin Sessa,
DDS,
in Boulder.
That's the day I kidnapped the motherfucker.
The same day I got the teeth, I got my fillings done that morning.
Oh, I could see that.
Dude, dental work will make you want to fucking kill you, you know?
You know, and my attorney kept saying, you should use that in the defense, you
know?
And I'm like, nah.
Because I didn't want to kidnap this dude way before the dental worked.
You know what I'm saying?
Way before I went to the dentist, I was going to rob this guy.
Me going to the dentist.
Had nothing to do with it.
Had nothing to do with it.
He was going down whether I went to the dentist or not.
But that's the beauty of these days.
Like, you could do anything, man.
You could go to the dentist first, and then you're like, yeah, I was high on
some kind
of gas or helium.
I didn't know that.
Bro, you know what?
I could have made the excuse up.
I just didn't want to.
I wanted to end it.
Yeah.
I wanted to end it at that age.
Like, I wanted all this just to end and to start over.
I knew I had fucked up.
Yeah.
Did you have a lot of, like, amends to make when you went through?
Like, when you kind of started to kind of, when you kind of got out of that
sort of lifestyle?
No, I still make amends.
Really?
Like, I still think of shit.
And I go, you know what?
I should call that person, or I should write that for that person.
Like, I was just talking about my back.
Like, I got a big beef with my ex-wife, you know?
I have a 27-year-old I don't talk to.
Oh, wow.
Me and my wife just, you know, in life, we make a few good fucking decisions,
you know?
And me getting married, I was young.
I wasn't really in love.
I was a fucking criminal, you know?
So what made you get married then?
Like, what was the thing that you kind of did honestly, when you think kind of,
because look, I'm in some of those situations.
Like, you know, I'll worry about moving forward, but knowing that I'm not ready
sometimes in certain environments, you know?
Well, you're never fucking ready.
I mean, you're never ready for dick.
Right.
There's no handbook on marriage.
There's no handbook on friendship.
There's no handbook on life.
There's no handbook on anything.
You know, I remember a kid years ago, there was a phone guy at the store.
And one day, the fucking talent coordinator got fired.
They just made him the talent coordinator.
Wow.
He didn't know nothing about nothing.
Yeah.
He got fired six months later, but you just have to be ready.
There's times that, in life, that I can't train you for what's going to happen.
Right.
And that's, if you think about your life, I mean, how old are you now?
I'm 38.
Think about your life.
That's most of your life.
Think about where you've been.
Nobody could train you for what?
You either fall apart, have a nervous breakdown, go see a psychiatrist, or
fucking live your life.
Yeah.
Live your fucking life, because it's very...
Man, it's so true, man.
You have no idea how much exact...
I mean, literally, I'm going to a therapist today at seven, and it's like, you
know, some things that's just like...
Sometimes I'm just afraid to, like, maybe admit what the truth is to myself.
And instead, I'll get stuck in some of these, like, therapy situations, because
sometimes I feel like I know what the truth is, but it's hard to...
Sometimes it's hard to know if your instincts are reliable.
Does that make any sense?
Like, if you get an instinct, if it's legit or not, or if it's fear, or if it's...
I had a friend.
I have a friend.
That's the kiss of death.
I love him with all my heart.
But every decision he makes is a bad decision.
And I was thinking about it about a month ago, and I was thinking about when I
was in the same position.
That at one time in my life, everything I did was a bad decision.
I mean, I was the kiss of death.
Yeah.
When I got out of prison, everything I did, getting married, everything I did...
So I consciously made a fucking decision to think about every decision and not
to do the first thing that came to my mind.
Wow.
Like, I had to actually do that.
Right.
That's a bad idea.
Like, I would be negative to be positive.
Right.
Because I was doing everything wrong.
Wrong.
So before I do that, I'm going to fucking throw hot water on it and do the
other thing.
And I started...
Changing your...
Because you have to come to terms with yourself and go, this ain't working.
Yeah.
Sometimes you got to realize that just naturally you're not going to make the
best...
Maybe your instinct isn't the best decision maker.
Yeah.
And, bro, you know, this morning I woke up and I saw something about the Nerdist.
Mm-hmm.
He got exonerated on NBC and all this stuff.
You know, I don't know who his accuser is or whatever.
It got nothing to do with it.
A Chris Hardwick guy.
Yeah, Chris Hardwick.
But I was very happy.
I've met Chris a couple times.
Mm-hmm.
You know, he is what he is.
He's a sweetheart of a guy.
But you can't...
We can't keep...
This country was built on laws.
Yeah.
That you have to be judged by your peers.
But we're getting judged by the internet now.
Yeah.
And that's not fair.
That's not right.
That's not what this whole thing was about.
Mm-mm.
This is about...
You say something.
I did that?
All right.
Give me the camera.
Give me the footage.
Let's go.
Yeah.
But I can't base everything on your fucking word.
That's why I don't go to therapy.
Right.
I use my podcast as therapy.
I beat you to the punch.
I'm going to get it out there before you can even get it out there.
I'll tell you the fucking story.
You want to know the story?
I'll tell you.
I don't give a fuck.
It was 3