Name: Joey Diaz on Being a Father
Uploaded: 2018-08-25T00:46:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Being a Father' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz on Being a Father' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-25. Transcript available.

So you, you said that your daughter lost a tooth, like, what's that kind of
like? So like, what is like, is it hard to go from like, you know, being like,
is it hard to switch into like a dad mode? Like, did you ever worry that it
would be hard to switch into like a dad mode? Or is it just kind of naturally
happen? Because I, you know, like, sometimes, you know, especially as a
comedian, as kind of like the center of attention, you know, sometimes, whether
we want to be or not, you know, and then like, have your daughter be the center
of attention? Is that different? Like, is it is like, is it unique or anything?
What's that like?
I've had like five lives, man.
Yeah.
So like, I leave here now, I go over the hill, I pick her up at a quarter to
four from camp, and I take her to Muay Thai. And then I got a half hour in
between Muay Thai and swimming.
Yeah.
And then I sit there for a fucking hour and sit with her. And then from there,
we go to dinner tonight, because it's Wednesday night.
So it's spaghetti night.
So it's spaghetti night.
And does she like, if she's in the pool, you know, you're just watching her.
She just, it's like all the dad stuff.
Yeah. You know, and I'm very fortunate, because a lot of the people on the pool
are moms.
Right.
I could go with my wife.
Oh, nice.
You know, the way I look at it, I got a second chance of being a dad.
Wow.
I fucked up the first time, so now I do it to the T. I'm the type of guy, if
you give me a second chance at something, that's it. Whatever the past was, was
the past. Next time, I'll do it to the fucking letter.
Yeah.
And it's all that's going on right now in my life is very important, like every
aspect of it. The balance I have is very important.
You show up. You gotta show up every day.
I don't give a fuck about it. I give a fuck about my family.
Yeah.
We gotta feed our family, we gotta eat, and we gotta act like a family. If not,
we're gonna end up like an L.A. family.
Yeah.
Divorced, and I got a 16-year-old wife, and I don't want that. I did that
already.
Yeah.
I did that already. I want a family. I want to go home at night. So I enjoy my
comedic life.
Mm-hmm.
I love my podcast life.
Yeah.
You know, I love going to the store and bumping into you guys and talking about
pussy.
I know, it's so much fun. Last night was so much fun in the parking lot.
And sticking your fingers up somebody's ass, and you're talking about this. And
then I went and got pizza at Joe.
It was when I brought a Sicilian slice for Lee and his buddy, and they waited
for me by their open mic.
Oh, that's cool.
So we sat in the parking lot till 12.30, eating pizza, talking shit, and people
were pulling on him going,
Joey, what's happening? And we're talking about black dick and fucking how. It's
funny because I'm going,
yeah, the chick, she liked black dick. She liked the banana mist around the
dick. And I've got a black guy
pulls up and going, it's funny you're here. I was just talking about black
people. He came over,
and we started telling them about banana dicks. I mean, we were there till
about 12.30, just talking.
And then I go home, and
I wash my hands.
I pee, you know.
Check on the kid.
And then I walk in her room, tiptoe.
Yeah.
And I turn the turtle off.
That's doing like this psychedelic show.
It's crazy to put kids through some of that.
So now I turn this other thing off, and then I give her a kiss, and I say, you
know, God bless
you. And then I walk to my office, and there I am smoking dope two minutes
later. And then,
you know, so it's like I have nine lines in between.
And they're all going on at once.
You know, I really respect that fathership shit. Like, I don't get high. Like,
if I get
high before, like, swimming or something, I do Listerine. I change my shirt. I
put Visine
in my eyes, you know.
Show up like at least a pro.
Yeah, I show up like a pro. I don't show up like fucking, you know, looking
like Cheech
and Childish.
You're not having your daughter hold the roach in her swim bag, yeah.
No. In fact, yesterday morning, I got up because she went to pre-care first,
right? She
went to, at two, she went to, like, pre-care.
Mm-hmm.
And I was against it. But when my wife took me, and I saw the kids, I go, what
are we
going to do? Keep her in the house? All day.
Right, because it's fun that you do art and stuff like that, and they get to
interact
with other kids.
Yeah, you got to interact with other kids.
That's huge. That's the biggest thing.
You got to interact with other fucking kids.
Yeah.
That's, that's, that's the big thing that when I came from Cuba, I had a big
problem. I
didn't speak the language, bro.
Yeah.
I didn't speak the language, and then my father died. So I was like Vito when
he came from
Italy.
Oh, yeah.
You ever see The Godfather 2?
When Vito came, he was like a half a fucking retard. He was, like, singing
songs at the
INS. He was, like, singing.
Yeah, he's, like, one of those guys going through my neighborhood with no radio.
Yeah, with no radio.
Yeah.
And that was me. I was damaged goods. I was damaged goods. But my mom had me in
an adult
world because she didn't believe in daycare. So here I am with her at the track.
I'm at
the bar with her that she owned.
Yeah.
I'm at the bookie gym.
You're at the laundromat. You're learning about everything.
That didn't do, that didn't do me no favors.
Right.
Yeah, it showed me the world, but it also slowed me back. It took me years to
start to
share.
It took your childhood away.
Probably took a lot of your childhood away.
I was a single child.
Yeah.
So that don't help either. So you don't learn how to chair. You don't learn how
to do, you
get jealousy issues if a kid is around your mom. So I had to learn to deal with
all
that. With me, I wanted her. Listen, man, let's fucking be honest. As men, let's
be fucking
honest.
Your mom was hot?
No. My mom was a fucking dirty whore.
Oh, sorry. Sorry. I don't know what we're being honest about. My mom was okay.
She's
about a seven or eight.
Let's be as honest as we can. A woman has to fight hard in this world.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. It's just the way it is, ladies. I'm not here to tell you why or how. It's
the way
it's always been.
It's a tough time.
The odds are against a woman from day one. I'm trying to shorten those odds. If
I could get
her from nine to one odds to seven to three, I did my job as a dad.
Amen. I love that.
And that's filling in those voids. See, I thought being a dad was buying your
kid a $22,000 car.
No. At 25, when I had my kid, I thought that that's what having a child was.
Having a child
is when, dog, my phone's ringing. I don't give a fuck that it's ringing. And I'm
on the
floor with her drawing crayons every night.
Yeah.
Like every night, her and I sit together, and we get crayons, and she yells at
me,
why don't you use markers? I'm like, because I'm fucking old school. I like
crayons, bitch.
You know what I'm saying? I'm a crayon type of motherfucker. And while I'm
doing that crayon,
I'm thinking about my life. I'm looking at her, and I'm thinking about the shit
I didn't do
as a kid. But that's every night.
You get that second chance.
When I get home, we eat dinner. She says her prayers. Even though I'm talking
about eating
assholes all day, you're fucking that fucking Polish fuck, and all this shit
that comes
out of my mouth. Then at six o'clock, I'm this guy that says prayers at the
table.
Yeah.
And Mercy, take your elbows up the table. And I talk to her in Spanish.
Oh, I like that.
So if I say,
Oye, que está pasando? I'll say it. Oye, que está pasando? How was school
today?
I'm at campo hoy. So whatever I say to her in English, I say to her in Spanish.
She gets a double up.
In Spanish. And even if she don't understand, she'll understand me as she gets
older.
She gets it.
Yeah, she understands.
What are some things that she does that you notice is like you inside of her?
That must
be kind of cool, huh? To see like a moment in your kid when they like, maybe
they laugh
a certain way, or they look a certain way, or they do something. Like, you know,
when you
see like you in, it's like, you know what I'm talking about, Kyle?
Yeah, no. There's a couple things I see already. I see that she likes her alone
time.
Yeah.
There's times we walk in from doing something, and she's like, later. And there's
times I'll
go in her room, and she'll tell me. She'll tell me the truth. She's like, Daddy,
I want
to be alone right now. And I'll hurt my feelings, but I'll go, I'm the same
fucking way. Why would
I be hurt? I don't like her temper. Sometimes she goes off on my wife, and I
got to sit
her down, and she gets red. I see that Cuban blood going.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
So that Cuban blood is good, but it's bad in some situations, so I want to hone
it.
Yeah. It's more of a soup.
So I brought it.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip, and if you want to see another clip,
then you
can look at this clip or this clip. Either one of these. So did you pick one,
or are you
still just watching me do this? Because this is alarming.