Name: Group Think | This Past Weekend #125
Uploaded: 2018-08-27T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Group Think | This Past Weekend #125' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Group Think | This Past Weekend #125' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-27. Transcript available.

Group Think | This Past Weekend #125

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Yo, yo, you little dark sharks, you little sugar sharks.
You've been swimming around in your own sweetener, huh?
You've been making your own breath, haven't you?
You've been making your own breath, haven't you?
Well, you've been a good boy, or you've been a good girl.
Go catch that Frisbee.
Go catch that Frisbee.
What are we even talking about?
I don't know.
About to find out.
I've got to let you know that this weekend I went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Mexico, man.
Our fancy little, you know, beautiful, heartfelt, you know, playas, beach,
umbrellas, you know,
señoritas, limons, guitarro, you know, cocaína, violencia, sombreritos.
Oh, you know, our beautiful neighbors.
Mexica, Mexico.
And look, man, I love, you know, I got a little bit of that flair in me tongue.
I got that flair in me tongue, you know, I got that Nicaraguan tongue, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
You never even know.
I'll be like, I just say something in Spanish.
Next thing you know, you know, all the girls, they just, whoa, whoa.
I'm feeling kind of sloshy down here in my galoshes, you know, because they
dampen it up.
I got to let you know that, and when I traveled on the plane, I wore layered,
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If I'm on that plane, I'm cruising, I like to be relaxed.
You know, I like to look freshy, freshy, you know.
I like to look like that fresh little, you know, cut of lettuce that somebody
just lifted out of a rabbit's mouth and just set out into the universe.
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Man, I want to get back to, man, I was in the beach.
I was in the beach, boy.
And I love being in the beach.
Dude, you get in the beach, and you just, you know, you have the, you know what
happened?
I had the sunshine, and the sunshine felt good, you know, and it was hot, too.
And that's when, you know, sometimes the sunshine has had enough.
The sunshine has just had enough.
Everybody's out there playing, and it's a, you know what, I'm going to heat
this thing up a little.
I'm going to take this thing to the next level and see who's really with me.
Because people that can't handle it, they go inside.
You know, they get the air conditioner, or they, you know, some people will go
inside and get an ice cube and, you know, set an ice cube on the baby's
forehead or something to cool the baby down.
Well, we don't do all of that shit, bruh.
Some people go and they fill their mouth with ice.
Get out of here, you wimp.
And I never did anything like that, man.
Because when that sun heats up, I say, I'm staying in the game, baby.
Man, the water was warm.
They had people boiling shrimp in the ocean.
They had shrimp jumping out of the ocean through like a little, they had like a
little kind of a coconut canal.
They would just, you know, kind of saunter through that and land on your plate
and they were cooked.
The water was hot.
That's how much sunlight was coming down.
Because the sun was saying, who want, you riding with me or you out?
Because if you out, get out.
But I'm heating things up.
I think it was honestly maybe 170 degrees.
The shrimp came out, they was coconut.
They had grouper, dude.
A lot of grouper.
Dude, people were, had to snorkel.
That was the main thing.
Snorkel, fork, knife.
And you'd just swim through the water and eat.
Everything was, it was so hot.
All the fish was cooked.
You couldn't find any sashimi.
Things was grilled up.
It was water grilled, broiled.
Everything was broiled.
That's how hot it was down there in Mexico.
And when the sun lit it up, boy, I stayed in it.
I got sunburned.
I got sunlearned.
I got sun yearned, bro.
I was yearning for anything but the sun.
I took it on, baby.
Because that's where I'm at.
And I remember when I was young, I used to play this game.
Did you ever play this game when you were young?
And I don't know if this was just like poor kids played this shit.
But it seemed, you know, we didn't have a lot of extra games.
You know, I remember we'd go over to like rich kids' house and they would have,
you know, dessert.
Like, you know, their family would be eating dessert together or, like we didn't
have dessert in my house.
We had, here's what we had.
My mom said you could have two cookies.
If you get three cookies, I'm going to whoop your ass.
So that was, so really dessert at my house was like, do you want to play?
Do you want to play a game?
Do you want to play a game?
Because you could have two cookies.
And you could be that good little Samaritan.
That good little member de familia.
But you could reach for that third little sugary nook nook.
And that's when, that's suddenly, it was like Saw.
It was like, like that movie Saw.
You know, it was like, oh, now we heating things up.
Now we're playing a whole different game.
Because now, you're trying to eat a cookie and mom's trying to whoop nanny, you
know?
Yeah!
Mom turning you into a fucking, that ninth reindeer boy.
On Donner, on Blitzen, on ass whipsing.
And that's what it was.
If you wanted to go for that third cookie, then you was going to, suddenly it
was a challenge.
You weren't having dessert.
Suddenly, you was on a dangerous game show because mom had said, only two
cookies.
And you had decided, well, I deserve more.
That's one thing I remember about dessert time.
But what was I talking about?
Dang.
Oh, the beach.
Sunshine.
Getting dessert.
Cooking.
Let me think.
Being at the beach.
Yeah, I was at the beach.
And, yeah, and then we had dessert.
Oh, man, I can't even remember.
And I wanted to talk to you guys.
I know I was talking about the clothing.
What I wore.
But, yeah, I went to Cabo San Lucas this weekend.
And, uh, and it was fun, man.
You know, there's so many.
And, honestly, I love being in, uh, I love being in Spanish-speaking countries.
I just love it.
I really, really do.
And it makes me feel.
Because I'm not joking.
When I start, when I'm, I start to really quickly, I'm able to communicate
pretty quickly.
And I just love it.
And it makes me, and there's just so many good, I feel like there's so many, um,
there's a
lot of, a lot of, I've met a lot of great people that are Latino.
I really have.
I really, really have.
And they have a special thing where, you know, I met some, some, I met a man
down there
who, and I said some, but I changed it to uh, you know, because I'm trying to,
trying to
keep tabs on, what I'm saying is, you know, I'm trying to keep tabs on, um, not
generalizing
about those types of things.
I was like, I met a man and he was born in California, but he said, you know
what?
He worked here and lived here for a long time.
He said, I've moved, you know, I have family back in Mexico.
I moved back to Mexico.
He said, it's just more fun.
He said, it's less stressful.
It's more relaxing.
Uh, and I thought that that was really interesting and he, he was awesome.
He was awesome, dude.
And, uh, we had fantasy football draft and we had, we had a great time down in
Los Cabos,
but it was hot boy.
That sunshine was next level.
Oh, that's what I was talking about.
The sunshine was next level.
And if you wanted to really get involved in the, I mean, you had, I got sunburned.
I got, I took it all like a G, like a champ.
Oh, here's what I was talking about.
Awesome.
I didn't think my brain was going to play, you know, my brain was, it was just
like,
it was on a merry-go-round just now and it was on and it was about to get off.
It had almost given up, but then it got back around to where it had started.
When I was a kid, so we get that dessert, right?
So you could get the dessert.
But then also what I was going into was we used to play this game and the game
was called
hot water.
And we used to play this game at the house where we would get in the shower and
you would
turn the hot water, you know, it was me and my brother.
And we were in there and we was naked, you know, we was naked, man.
And we weren't looking at each other real, you know, my brother, I look rib
cage up.
That's where I look.
If I'm looking at my brother's body, rib cage up.
That's right.
You know, I ain't that wild.
I ain't trying to be that good of brothers.
You know what I'm saying, baby?
I ain't trying to be so much of brothers that we turn it into a little bit of
sisters.
So I look only rib cage up when me and my brother are doing, you know,
experiencing full body
nudity.
And so we would be in the shower and we would play this game called hot water
and you would
turn the hot water and the other person had to stay in it.
And then if they stayed in it, then you had to get in it, take over their spot
and they
would turn it up more.
And your whole body was turning red, man.
Your eyes couldn't even open because your eye, your eyebrows or whatever they
was, your eye,
the skin over your eye, your little, I don't know what that is, little vision
nutsacks or
something that kind of hanged down over your eyes.
But they were starting to get so soft.
They couldn't even, they wouldn't open anymore.
They just limp, just hanging limp over your eyes, just like limp little baby
nutsacks.
And you would just, because your, your skin was starting to boil and you would
just switch
back and forth and keep cranking it up until somebody gave up.
And then that person was the loser.
They lost.
But that hot water, I don't know if you ever played hot water.
Get in there, boy, get in there and crank that thing up.
But that's the kind of games you play when you fucking didn't have any money at
the house,
man.
We all want to, you want to play a little bit of hot water.
Maybe have two cookies for dessert.
Be a good boy.
Act like you're going to behave.
Sneak upstairs.
And to the fucking bathroom.
And man, you shouldn't have given these two little boys a shower.
That you shouldn't have given us shower access because we start playing hot
water.
Dude, my mom would come up sometimes because we'd have the water on for an hour
and a half.
Dude, we'd go deep.
We'd go all the way to the end of the line until that thing was full hot steam.
You go in the bathroom, couldn't even see.
Where are y'all?
Where are you?
My mom furious.
And my mom was at, she was like trying to find us because she cared to help us.
But at the same time, going to whoop your ass once she knew you were okay.
Isn't that the irony of like some like moms trying to like, you know, check on
you?
It's like, as soon as you're okay, I'm going to whoop your ass.
That was so funny, man.
Just about being a kid, you know.
And about having that kind of mom where, you know, they were just, you know,
just stressed out and overworked.
And they were the sole provider.
And when your mom had to be the sole provider and kind of take care of, you
know, be the disciplinarian as well.
That was wild.
As soon, my mom like, I'm going to make sure you're okay.
And as soon as you're okay, I'm going to make sure you are not okay.
And that's how it was when we played hot water.
You know, it must be tough on a lot of moms out there that have to be the
disciplinarian.
You know, I'm thinking about that right now all of a sudden.
You know, imagine that because in your nature probably as a woman, you know, I've
never been a woman.
But in your nature as a woman, I bet you just want to be loving.
You know, and you want to be, you know, you want to be caring and you want to
be.
You want to be, you know, you just want to be, you know, sweet and just hug
your kids and, you know, and just make sure they're happy.
That's what you want to be probably as a mother.
You had those, you know, you want to be nurtur