Name: Nocturnal Emissions | This Past Weekend #127
Uploaded: 2018-09-03T13:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nocturnal Emissions | This Past Weekend #127' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nocturnal Emissions | This Past Weekend #127' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-03. Transcript available.

Nocturnal Emissions | This Past Weekend #127

As always, the episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard
on the way to
the beach. You know, are you Italian? You can be. Get that hitter. So you
should know that
we're all so inundated with emails now that it's no longer about responding to
everything.
You know, you only respond to things that you need to respond to, but the
problem is you got
so much giant. They got so much dirty clutter out there, email clutter, but
that can change now
because they have a thing called SaneBox, S-A-N-E-B-O-X, and it does the work
for you.
It goes through and gets all the dirt out of there, okay? And it keeps the
messages you need
to respond to. SaneBox also has a special feature called the Sane Black Hole,
where you can drag
messages from annoying senders that you never want to hear from again, ever
again. Oh, I want that so
bad. Where you can just drag them over there, boom, use out of my life. Because
your inbox is your life
now. It's like your heart and your brain made one little beautiful place to get
mail. But you can use
SaneBox now to magically remove distractions from your inbox with a free two-week
trial. That's right,
just for our listeners here. We got that free two-week trial for this past
weekend listeners. Visit
SaneBox.com slash Theo today to start your free trial and receive a $25 credit.
That's that $25 credit.
S-A-N-E-B-O-X dot com slash T-H-E-O.
Ooh, ooh, kill them.
Mmmmmmm.
Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
What's up, you little roasted cranberries?
What you guys doing?
Who's out there?
What's going on?
What's going on, boy?
Dang, man.
I've been having...
You know, I get seasonal jock itch.
And this isn't an advertisement.
I actually get seasonal jock itching.
And I noticed, man, this is going to say...
I mean, I don't...
Sometimes, for me, I'm not saying this to everybody, but for me, sometimes, my,
you know, my scrotum, you know, my newts, are nuts.
That's a soft you, my nuts, will the...
It's like the inside of them will itch.
And it's an impossible...
It's an impossible...
You can't get in there, you know?
Get in there!
You can't.
I mean, you can...
The best you can do as a human is itch the outside of your nuts.
You know, and I think it is that...
And I'm not trying to be base here.
I'm not trying to be, you know, base or, you know, vile.
I'm not trying to be a bad, you know, you know, a bad little Daniel, you know,
who's been out in the, you know, smoking dope in the yard and hiding, you know,
hiding, you know, hiding, you know, hiding sugar treats, you know, different
sugar treats in the chimney and stuff like that.
And trying to keep, you know, sugar treats from his brothers and sisters.
I'm not trying to be like a bad Daniel.
You know, I'm just telling you that...
I'm just telling you that...
Sometimes you have an itch on the inside and you can't reach it, man.
Sometimes there's things you can't reach.
You know, there's parts of you, you can't just change and adjust with your
hands.
You know, I could, look, I could, I could scratch anything that's on the
outside of my, you know, my nuts or my scrot, you know, scratoon.
And I can do, you can do any of that.
But sometimes if there's something that's inside of you, you got to go a little
further, you know, you have to go a little deeper and you have to actually do
work.
You got to do work.
You got to do work.
You know, you got to, you have to make it, you have to take the long way
through your brain and through your neck and through your belly and through,
you know, you got to go the long way to quell that inner itch.
You know, I can't itch the inside of my nuts.
I can only itch the outside.
But sometimes after scratching on the outside of my nuts for so long, it's just,
you know, it's just, I'm not really, really solving that inner, you know, that
inner chicky, chicky, chicky that's in my scratoon.
And so that's where I'm at right now is, you know, I'm wanting to do that hard
work.
I'm wanting to put in that dirty W, you know, that dirty work to get, I want
the inside of my nuts looking clean, boy.
You know, when I go up to Hiaven, you know, when I go up, you know, to North Hiaven,
bruh, because I'm not hanging out in South Heaven.
You know, a lot of people will be like, I'm going to go to heaven.
You know, you're going to get into heaven, but what part are you going to live
in?
Again, you know, you're going to be in South Heaven.
Fuck that.
Okay.
A knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fuck that.
Fuck that is here.
I want to live in North Heaven.
Okay.
I don't want to be over there in South Heaven where people, you know, popping
off and, you know, they got, you know, pigeons out there, you know, pigeons out
there selling drugs on their wings and shit.
I don't want that.
I want to live up there in North Heaven.
You know, where the inside of me is, is, is just as, as, as pristine as the
outside.
And so that's where I'm at sometimes today.
I've been thinking about, man, I want, you know, I'm trying to scratch some of
these inner itches.
And I can't, it's just, they're not things I can do with my hands.
There are things I got to go.
I got to work harder.
You know, I got to take extra action.
I got to, you know, I just have to put in the work.
I have to do the work.
I have to do the work.
Do the work.
Um, welcome to this past weekend.
I appreciate you guys being here with, with, uh, with each other.
You know, and sometimes I think about like who is listening and I think like,
who's listening?
You know, who's listening?
You know, I think about maybe it's like a, um, somebody that's selling kites,
you know, a little kite salesman, a little lady, you know, just drive, you know,
maybe she got a little buggy or a little cart.
And she pushing that cart around, you know, just slinging them fake birds, baby,
them kites, them air kites.
You know, I think about a lady is just, you know, kind of, she, you know, she
got a couple, you know, like a little kite buggy and she's just put, you know,
you know, peddling them kites.
Cause people forget about kites, dude.
Before they had birds, they had kites, you know, and people, you know, and I
don't know.
I don't even know if that's true, but I don't know what the timeline of it all
is, but before they had, you know, at some time birds weren't, they weren't
doing what they were supposed to do.
And so kites, and so somebody made kites, you know, a scientist or, you know,
um, engineer, um, which is basically an engineer is a scientist that actually
fucking does something.
Okay.
You know, let's don't for everybody wants to talk about scientists and this and
that in lab coats and people bringing their own lunch to the, you know, to the
lab, you know, and doing all that, you know, and somebody grilling up a little,
you know, a can of, um, anchovies on some, on a, on a Bunsen burner.
Fuck all of that, man.
That's scientists.
But who's really doing shit is engineers.
Okay.
Engineers are basically people that are, they come into, they come in and they
see what a scientist is doing and then they actually take it and do some shit.
Okay.
Okay.
Cause scientists will just mill around in a laboratory their whole life, mixing
things, you know, making one dude was in there for a month.
He made Kool-Aid like, bro, that ain't shit, dog.
You know what I'm saying?
At least come out with some, you know, something wild, some fucking guava menthol,
you know, magic hitter sauce, but engineers actually do something.
Okay.
Engineers actually do something.
And so that's what I think about who's out there listening to this, you know,
who's listening to this, to this podcast, you know, maybe an engineer, you know,
maybe somebody that's, um, who could be listening.
Oh, maybe somebody that's on a dance team, like a, a lady that's on like an
adult dance team, you know, when she's, you know, she's stuck in traffic and
she got sequins and all on her and some of the, she's sweating.
And so that some of the sequence is getting all wet and she's listening to this
past weekend or maybe a milkman, you know, they got a lot of milkmans out there.
And if you don't know what a milkman, a milkman is, um, oh, it was, I was
talking about kites, bro.
I just remembered.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think somebody that could be listening is a, is a kite maker, you know,
because there was a time in history.
This is where I went.
There was a time in history when birds gave up on themselves.
You know, a lot of different things happened.
Bird flu, um, some bird, you know, a bird and a pig, you know, did something
and swine flu hit the air.
So they had bird flu and swine flu in the air at the same time.
Fucking, you know, turkey sausage.
Really, the market went downhill, that TS market.
And there were no birds in the air for, I don't know how long, could have been
six or seven years.
And that's when kites were invented because people still wanted to see things
in the sky.
You know what I'm saying?
If you look at the sky and there's nothing in it, you get fucking bored as fuck.
But now that somebody made kites and a kite is just a paper bird on a string.
You know, it's just that one dimensional fucking bird.
You know, a kite, you get a kite up in the air and a kite, you know, you get
that kite up there.
And, you know, especially if somebody is dumb or if they're a kid, they think
it's a bird.
You know, from 40 feet away, a kite is a fucking bird, you know, that might
have one, you know, maybe a long, you know, tampon string in or something.
You know, I don't know what a kid thinks.
But, but they had, you know, I picture maybe somebody like that because they
had that time when birds took a break in kites and kites took over for birds.
And people don't give kites as much credit.
But I figure sometimes maybe somebody that's listening to this podcast is a
kite, is a kite person.
Somebody who sells kites.
Or somebody who makes, somebody who sells milk.
You know, somebody out there slanging that fucking cow drip drip.
All drip drip.
You know?
That moo moo fricking, you know, that moo moo, you know, that moo moo shake
maker.
Milk.
You know, that could be somebody.
I think of a man driving around in his milk truck.
You know, he's probably got a little bit of milk coming off his mouth.
And I bet he keeps it there.
You know, I bet every now and then he takes a little sip and let some dribble
out just in case the ladies see him.
And they want to know what he's about.
And suddenly they look at his lips and they say, damn.
This boy is about that leak leak.
You know?
This boy is about that drip, dramp.
And then they see that that's the kind of man they want.
The kind of man that's going to make these, you know, these bad babacitas drip,
drip.
And so that maybe that's somebody that's out there, you know, some bad ass
fucking milk boy riding in that leche truck.
You know, you see me rolling with yogurt.
Trying to catch me milking, bro.
Trying to catch me milking drippy.
So who else, man, that's what I think who listens to this, you know?
Maybe an adult lady that's kind of sweaty on a dance team or, you know,
somebody's daddy.
Maybe some 50 year old man or 70 year old man.
He might be listening to this shit.
But whoever is listening, I want you to know that, uh, that thank you.
Thank you for listening.
And thanks for being here with me.
Um, what was, uh, what was something I was just looking at?
It was, um, on Twitter.
Oh, Nick Saban apologized for, you know, he was talking with a female reporter
or a reporter.
Okay.
Um, he was talking with a reporter after a, uh, or at a halftime of a football
game or after the game.
And she was asking him all these questions.
Um, and she asked him about the quarterback kind of controversy.
And they just won the game really handily.
Um, and you can use two quarterbacks if you want to.
You could use four quarterbacks in the game if you want to.
And his response was this.
Well, I still think, well, I still like both guys.
Saban said, I think both guys can help our team.
All right.
So why do you continually try to get me to sa