Name: 29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend Follow Ups
Uploaded: 2018-09-04T23:23:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend Follow Ups' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend Follow Ups' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-04. Transcript available.

We had a guy who called in, I believe, 29-year-old Virgin.
Let's check on that call first.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
It's Zach from Toronto, Canada.
So my conundrum is that I'm 29 and I never had sex with a girl.
Wow.
We had some callers that hit the hotline in response with some suggestions and
thoughts.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's Wes from Indiana.
It's a 29-year-old Virgin.
I call them.
I want to see if you can do a hooker, a prostitute, escort, whatever.
And you don't want to be bad having sex the first time with someone you
actually care about.
I think it might not be the way to go, but it sounds like it might be the way
to go.
You know, you have a lot going on for you, dude.
You are over 60 tall.
You have an education.
Look, he said himself that, you know, he hasn't really been pursuing it.
So it's obviously not that big a deal to him.
So, I mean, my advice would be, you know, just keep doing what you're doing,
you know?
Like, if it happens naturally, that's cool, you know?
But if not, who cares, really, you know?
Because, I mean, you know, my advice is don't go out here really looking for
some casual sex
if it's not going to make a deal to you.
Because you're probably going to be disappointed anyway.
You know what I'm saying?
Game, game.
Hey, Zach.
Yeah, speaking.
Hey, what's up, man?
This is Theo with the This Past Weekend podcast.
Yeah, of course.
What's up?
I'm doing okay.
How about you?
Doing good, bro.
You want to fuck?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just joking, bro.
I know you had reached out a while back about, you know, being an adult virgin.
And that's natural, I think, in some areas.
Especially in the snow and, like, places like that.
Do you...
I just wanted to kind of follow up and see what's going on with that, man.
What did you feel like about, like, some of the suggestions that our listeners
gave?
Yeah, well, something actually happened to me since I called in to your podcast.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
And was that something sex?
So, someone recognized, you know, my voice.
And because, you know, I said my name and some details about me.
And someone recognized me.
Wow.
She was a podcast listener.
Oh, really?
You know, she got my number from...
Because we went to high school together.
Oh, really?
10 years ago.
Yeah, and so she got my number.
She got that numero, huh?
68.
That was the number, bro.
68, bro.
Because it sounded like you're getting close.
And then what happened?
And then, so she reached out to me and she was like, oh, hey, do you want to
party?
And I was like, yeah, okay.
She's like, do you want to party tonight?
And I was like, you know, it's Friday night.
Oh, it's Friday.
Yeah, okay, I'm going to do it.
There you go.
Catch a gram, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
God give you two sides of your nose, bro.
One to breathe it through and one to catch them grams.
And so you guys got together?
And so, and then she was like, okay, well, what's your address?
And I was like, oh, yeah, I told it to her.
And she's like, okay, I'll be there in an hour.
And I was like, oh, okay, fuck.
All right.
Okay, shit.
So it's going down.
Was she bringing drugs or what was the plan there?
What was the plan with the actual drugs or you didn't discuss it?
Well, I had no idea.
I had no idea.
She just told me, do you want to party?
And what'd you do?
Did you shave around your crotch or what'd you do at that point when you know
she's ready
to come over?
I trimmed it up.
Yeah, I trimmed it up.
Did you really?
Honestly?
I took a shower.
Yeah, I trimmed it up.
Big dog, boy.
Big dog about to bark, huh?
You freaking, you know, and so.
Oh, yeah, you tidying up around that woofer, baby.
Oh, hell yeah, yeah.
Okay, so then what?
So she gets there and how does she look?
What is the vibe like?
So she shows up, you know, I hadn't seen her since like the end of high school.
And, you know, back in high school, like, she used to wear like, you know,
those like,
those tight like Lula Lemon, like pants, you know, those yoga pants.
Yeah, boy.
And like, man, I, oh, man, I had like.
You know, crotch doily, bro, that ass doily.
You know, I always knew she was like a dirty girl, whatever, but, you know.
And what happened, bro?
Jesus, I'm going to be a virgin.
I feel like this conversation is like a 70-year-old virgin, dude.
I'm waiting to get popped on this thing.
How did it end up, Daddy Bear?
Okay, well, so ding-dong, she rings the doorbell.
I, you know, I go down seriously.
Ding-dong?
Yeah, it's her.
What, was it 1985?
So how did she look?
You opened the door.
What happened?
You're the slowest storyteller.
No wonder you haven't lost your virginity, man.
Somebody's probably been trying to fuck you for 20 years and you've just been
telling them a story.
There's probably somebody, there's probably nine women milling around your cock
right now and you just nutter-buttering around with some conversation, Daddy.
Serve the dessert.
Oh, man.
Well, so, you know, I meet her at the door and, yeah, I was like, yeah, come
upstairs, you know.
You know, I got some beers, you know.
You got some beers upstairs, dude?
Well, that's what we drink in Canada, man.
We drink beers up here.
Oh, you guys are in Canada.
Oh, well, no wonder this is taking a long time.
Oh, yeah, Toronto, Canada, man.
Everything, it takes forever in Canada, but that's okay.
Good people, onward.
What happened, bro?
You guys are moseying up the stairs.
I feel like it's a fucking open house I'm at now.
Jesus.
I feel like I'm touring an apartment sponsored by Molson.
Let's go.
Yeah, so we drank beer together and she was like, so I heard you, I didn't know
you were a virgin.
She was like, do you want to fuck?
Oh, wow.
And I was like, I mean, I guess, yeah, you came over here.
So, like, I had some old condoms, you know.
They're expired in, like, 2013, but they're still good, right?
Who knows, dude?
Who knows if they were ever good?
If they were good, we probably would have kept them here and used them in
America.
But go on, bro.
And so, yeah, you know, we were, like, kissing on each other, you know, and
feeling each other up or whatever.
And, you know, and then eventually it happened.
You know, I put on one of those expired condoms and it worked.
Dirtball.
No wonder you're not getting laid.
You're not preparing, bud.
You got expired condoms laying around the house.
You got Molson, hot Molsons up in your room.
Bro, and whose room is upstairs?
Do you still live with your family?
What's going on, bro?
You got to get it together, man.
No, man.
Upstairs apartment, doc.
Oh, okay.
And so, uh...
And did you really lose your virginity?
Now I'm wondering if you really did or not.
Is this true?
Of course it's true.
Okay.
And so what happened after?
And so, you know, we fucked for like about 90 seconds.
And, uh...
So that quick baby boy, baby.
And was she still pleased or how did it end out?
Like, what happened after?
Jeepers, man.
Well, you know, I had a case of beers in the fridge and, uh...
She drank about like eight beers and we just watched YouTube videos and then
she left.
Oh, wow.
Part of me, like, I just feel like a little bit of skepticism.
But if you really did get laid from a vague girl who no longer has a phone and
you can't get in touch with her anymore,
um, then I applaud you, man.
And, you know, and now what is the next step now, do you think?
I don't know, I want to get a real girlfriend, you know, because that didn't...
Oh, you're wrong.
That was fun, but...
Yeah.
It's...
It was kind of gross, too, you know?
Fucking around gets old, man, and I feel it.
I feel you, you know?
Do, uh...
It gets...
What was gross about it, do you think?
It was gross because, uh...
She...
She wasn't what I expected.
She wasn't what I wanted to lose my, you know, first time to, you know?
Then as soon as I came, and then as soon as it was over, I was just like, what
the fuck am I doing?
You know, like...
That's comers' remorse.
Yeah, exactly.
Comers' remorse.
Yeah.
I know how to say that.
And I know exactly what you're talking about, man.
I've had that most of my life, dude.
And what do you have to say to her, man?
I would love it if you could get her to call in sometime.
Because I feel like that that would just...
It would make me feel a little bit more earnest about your story, you know?
I mean, I want to believe you 100%.
And if that is what happened, man, you know, like...
You know, you can still always find somebody else out there that's real swaggy
and, you know,
and get a decent relationship going.
If you spoke with her again, do you think you'd have sex with her again?
Honestly.
No, I think I just...
You know, I think I'd just like to have lunch with her again.
Yeah.
You know, because it was just...
It was kind of gross, you know?
Yeah, I could actually see that, man.
It's like, yeah, you wait so long.
It kind of made me feel sick, actually.
Yeah, like, because it just happened, and then she was gone, and there was,
like, nothing.
But just kind of because, like, she just took control, and, like, it kind of
let her, you know?
Oh, did she really?
Now, did she kind of take your pants off and stuff like that, and did she put,
you know...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow.
She was driving the whole thing, man.
And did she take all of her clothes off, or just part of her clothes off?
No, she left her shirt on.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yeah, I am sorry, man.
That's crazy.
You know that a girl comes over, just takes her pants off.
That fucks you, and just leaves.
Doesn't even bother to take her shirt off.
Well, fuck, I don't know.
I mean, maybe she...
No, this isn't the pool.
This isn't a nine-year-old big boy at the pool kind of thing.
It's just a thing of respect.
You know, the girl takes her shirt off.
It's the same thing for guys.
And it just kind of shows where some of the lines are getting, you know, not
wrongly blurred,
but definitely blurred.
You know, a girl shows up in her fucking Trans Am, slams on the brakes in the
front yard,
gets out of her car, busts a huge fart.
Oh, she definitely wasn't driving in Iraq.
I'll give you that much.
Well, whatever, bro.
Busts a huge fart in the yard, and then rolls into your house, just drops trow,
bangs you out,
takes your virginity, and scoots off into oblivion.
Off to probably, you know, go out to Banff or somewhere, or van, you know, or
do something Canadian.
Man, I feel bad about it.
I feel bad about it, man.
Well, look, man, you don't have to feel bad about it for long.
You know, it happened.
It's, you know, it's done.
And at least, you know, what are some positives from it, you think?
I think now I've got to find someone that I can actually find in love with, you
know?
Okay.
I can.
And when I find someone that I'm actually in love with, you know, it's not like
I'm your first, you know?
Have you been in love before?
No.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, and that's probably what you really want, you know?
That is what I want, but it's so hard to find, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's why I like to, you know, I mean, I totally agree with you,
and I think that's why it's so valuable when we find it, because, you know, it's
hard to find, you know?
It's like...
Yeah, it's really hard to find.
Yeah.
But I got faith in you, man.
You know, look, if there's any fans out there who are looking for love and not
just to show up and, you know, bang some guy out in his mom's attic and then
jet, I hope that that listener hits you up as well if they recognize your voice.
And look, man, I'd fuck you if I had time, man, if I had free time, if I had 30
free years and a vagina, you know?
I honestly would, dude.
I'm not even joking.
And I mean this from my heart, dude.
If I had 35 extra years, nothing to do at all, I was just going to be in a coma.
I would easily probably move up there for 15 of them and fucking have a couple
of kids and start a family and grow my hair out.
And I wouldn't tell.
I would, bro.
And I wouldn't tell a soul, man.
I wouldn't tell a soul.
Then I'd cut my hair and come back to here.
Well, it's good to hear.
You know, it's nice to have someone tell you that, you know?
Yeah, no, I feel it, bro.
Look, I feel you.
I mean, I needed to tell somebody.
That's why I'm telling you today.
So at least we got each other, bro, you know?
And you'll find somebody.
Just stay active.
Stay active, dude.
You're not going to find anybody if you just stay slummed up.
You got to get out there, bro.
Yeah, yeah.
You got to brush that hair off your shoulder or whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, you got to recycle those Molson cans under your bed and you got to
get out there.
You can do it.
Okay.
You can do it, bro.
But look, man, we love you.
And I'm sorry that we sent an assailant over to your place.
We, you know, we didn't know.
We had nothing to do with it.
But, uh, but that is just wild and it's unfortunate that, you know, that the
dark arts sometimes, uh, you know, show up in our crafts.
But be good out there, man.
And look, if you die and you get, you come back to life, you get another, you
get another virginity.
And so that's another opportunity for you to, uh, to fuck somebody decent out
of the gate.
And we wish you well.
Yeah, for sure, man.
We wish you well, all right?
Good talking to you, man.
All right.
Love you, brother.
Yeah, all right.
Peace.
All right, you love me?
What an asshole.
Well, that's why people fuck him and leave him because he doesn't even care.

29 Year Old Virgin | This Past Weekend Follow Ups

We had a guy who called in, I believe, 29-year-old Virgin.
Let's check on that call first.
Hey, what's up, Theo?
It's Zach from Toronto, Canada.
So my conundrum is that I'm 29 and I never had sex with a girl.
Wow.
We had some callers that hit the hotline in response with some suggestions and
thoughts.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's Wes from Indiana.
It's a 29-year-old Virgin.
I call them.
I want to see if you can do a hooker, a prostitute, escort, whatever.
And you don't want to be bad having sex the first time with someone you
actually care about.
I think it might not be the way to go, but it sounds like it might be the way
to go.
You know, you have a lot going on for you, dude.
You are over 60 tall.
You have an education.
Look, he said himself that, you know, he hasn't really been pursuing it.
So it's obviously not that big a deal to him.
So, I mean, my advice would be, you know, just keep doing what you're doing,
you know?
Like, if it happens naturally, that's cool, you know?
But if not, who cares, really, you know?
Because, I mean, you know, my advice is don't go out here really looking for
some casual sex
if it's not going to make a deal to you.
Because you're probably going to be disappointed anyway.
You know what I'm saying?
Game, game.
Hey, Zach.
Yeah, speaking.
Hey, what's up, man?
This is Theo with the This Past Weekend podcast.
Yeah, of course.
What's up?
I'm doing okay.
How about you?
Doing good, bro.
You want to fuck?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm just joking, bro.
I know you had reached out a while back about, you know, being an adult virgin.
And that's natural, I think, in some areas.
Especially in the snow and, like, places like that.
Do you...
I just wanted to kind of follow up and see what's going on with that, man.
What did you feel like about, like, some of the suggestions that our listeners
gave?
Yeah, well, something actually happened to me since I called in to your podcast.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
And was that something sex?
So, someone recognized, you know, my voice.
And because, you know, I said my name and some details about me.
And someone recognized me.
Wow.
She was a podcast listener.
Oh, really?
You know, she got my number from...
Because we went to high school together.
Oh, really?
10 years ago.
Yeah, and so she got my number.
She got that numero, huh?
68.
That was the number, bro.
68, bro.
Because it sounded like you're getting close.
And then what happened?
And then, so she reached out to me and she was like, oh, hey, do you want to
party?
And I was like, yeah, okay.
She's like, do you want to party tonight?
And I was like, you know, it's Friday night.
Oh, it's Friday.
Yeah, okay, I'm going to do it.
There you go.
Catch a gram, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
God give you two sides of your nose, bro.
One to breathe it through and one to catch them grams.
And so you guys got together?
And so, and then she was like, okay, well, what's your address?
And I was like, oh, yeah, I told it to her.
And she's like, okay, I'll be there in an hour.
And I was like, oh, okay, fuck.
All right.
Okay, shit.
So it's going down.
Was she bringing drugs or what was the plan there?
What was the plan with the actual drugs or you didn't discuss it?
Well, I had no idea.
I had no idea.
She just told me, do you want to party?
And what'd you do?
Did you shave around your crotch or what'd you do at that point when you know
she's ready
to come over?
I trimmed it up.
Yeah, I trimmed it up.
Did you really?
Honestly?
I took a shower.
Yeah, I trimmed it up.
Big dog, boy.
Big dog about to bark, huh?
You freaking, you know, and so.
Oh, yeah, you tidying up around that woofer, baby.
Oh, hell yeah, yeah.
Okay, so then what?
So she gets there and how does she look?
What is the vibe like?
So she shows up, you know, I hadn't seen her since like the end of high school.
And, you know, back in high school, like, she used to wear like, you know,
those like,
those tight like Lula Lemon, like pants, you know, those yoga pants.
Yeah, boy.
And like, man, I, oh, man, I had like.
You know, crotch doily, bro, that ass doily.
You know, I always knew she was like a dirty girl, whatever, but, you know.
And what happened, bro?
Jesus, I'm going to be a virgin.
I feel like this conversation is like a 70-year-old virgin, dude.
I'm waiting to get popped on this thing.
How did it end up, Daddy Bear?
Okay, well, so ding-dong, she rings the doorbell.
I, you know, I go down seriously.
Ding-dong?
Yeah, it's her.
What, was it 1985?
So how did she look?
You opened the door.
What happened?
You're the slowest storyteller.
No wonder you haven't lost your virginity, man.
Somebody's probably been trying to fuck you for 20 years and you've just been
telling them a story.
There's probably somebody, there's probably nine women milling around your cock
right now and you just nutter-buttering around with some conversation, Daddy.
Serve the dessert.
Oh, man.
Well, so, you know, I meet her at the door and, yeah, I was like, yeah, come
upstairs, you know.
You know, I got some beers, you know.
You got some beers upstairs, dude?
Well, that's what we drink in Canada, man.
We drink beers up here.
Oh, you guys are in Canada.
Oh, well, no wonder this is taking a long time.
Oh, yeah, Toronto, Canada, man.
Everything, it takes forever in Canada, but that's okay.
Good people, onward.
What happened, bro?
You guys are moseying up the stairs.
I feel like it's a fucking open house I'm at now.
Jesus.
I feel like I'm touring an apartment sponsored by Molson.
Let's go.
Yeah, so we drank beer together and she was like, so I heard you, I didn't know
you were a virgin.
She was like, do you want to fuck?
Oh, wow.
And I was like, I mean, I guess, yeah, you came over here.
So, like, I had some old condoms, you know.
They're expired in, like, 2013, but they're still good, right?
Who knows, dude?
Who knows if they were ever good?
If they were good, we probably would have kept them here and used them in
America.
But go on, bro.
And so, yeah, you know, we were, like, kissing on each other, you know, and
feeling each other up or whatever.
And, you know, and then eventually it happened.
You know, I put on one of those expired condoms and it worked.
Dirtball.
No wonder you're not getting laid.
You're not preparing, bud.
You got expired condoms laying around the house.
You got Molson, hot Molsons up in your room.
Bro, and whose room is upstairs?
Do you still live with your family?
What's going on, bro?
You got to get it together, man.
No, man.
Upstairs apartment, doc.
Oh, okay.
And so, uh...
And did you really lose your virginity?
Now I'm wondering if you really did or not.
Is this true?
Of course it's true.
Okay.
And so what happened after?
And so, you know, we fucked for like about 90 seconds.
And, uh...
So that quick baby boy, baby.
And was she still pleased or how did it end out?
Like, what happened after?
Jeepers, man.
Well, you know, I had a case of beers in the fridge and, uh...
She drank about like eight beers and we just watched YouTube videos and then
she left.
Oh, wow.
Part of me, like, I just feel like a little bit of skepticism.
But if you really did get laid from a vague girl who no longer has a phone and
you can't get in touch with her anymore,
um, then I applaud you, man.
And, you know, and now what is the next step now, do you think?
I don't know, I want to get a real girlfriend, you know, because that didn't...
Oh, you're wrong.
That was fun, but...
Yeah.
It's...
It was kind of gross, too, you know?
Fucking around gets old, man, and I feel it.
I feel you, you know?
Do, uh...
It gets...
What was gross about it, do you think?
It was gross because, uh...
She...
She wasn't what I expected.
She wasn't what I wanted to lose my, you know, first time to, you know?
Then as soon as I came, and then as soon as it was over, I was just like, what
the fuck am I doing?
You know, like...
That's comers' remorse.
Yeah, exactly.
Comers' remorse.
Yeah.
I know how to say that.
And I know exactly what you're talking about, man.
I've had that most of my life, dude.
And what do you have to say to her, man?
I would love it if you could get her to call in sometime.
Because I feel like that that would just...
It would make me feel a little bit more earnest about your story, you know?
I mean, I want to believe you 100%.
And if that is what happened, man, you know, like...
You know, you can still always find somebody else out there that's real swaggy
and, you know,
and get a decent relationship going.
If you spoke with her again, do you think you'd have sex with her again?
Honestly.
No, I think I just...
You know, I think I'd just like to have lunch with her again.
Yeah.
You know, because it was just...
It was kind of gross, you know?
Yeah, I could actually see that, man.
It's like, yeah, you wait so long.
It kind of made me feel sick, actually.
Yeah, like, because it just happened, and then she was gone, and there was,
like, nothing.
But just kind of because, like, she just took control, and, like, it kind of
let her, you know?
Oh, did she really?
Now, did she kind of take your pants off and stuff like that, and did she put,
you know...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow.
She was driving the whole thing, man.
And did she take all of her clothes off, or just part of her clothes off?
No, she left her shirt on.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Yeah, I am sorry, man.
That's crazy.
You know that a girl comes over, just takes her pants off.
That fucks you, and just leaves.
Doesn't even bother to take her shirt off.
Well, fuck, I don't know.
I mean, maybe she...
No, this isn't the pool.
This isn't a nine-year-old big boy at the pool kind of thing.
It's just a thing of respect.
You know, the girl takes her shirt off.
It's the same thing for guys.
And it just kind of shows where some of the lines are getting, you know, not
wrongly blurred,
but definitely blurred.
You know, a girl shows up in her fucking Trans Am, slams on the brakes in the
front yard,
gets out of her car, busts a huge fart.
Oh, she definitely wasn't driving in Iraq.
I'll give you that much.
Well, whatever, bro.
Busts a huge fart in the yard, and then rolls into your house, just drops trow,
bangs you out,
takes your virginity, and scoots off into oblivion.
Off to probably, you know, go out to Banff or somewhere, or van, you know, or
do something Canadian.
Man, I feel bad about it.
I feel bad about it, man.
Well, look, man, you don't have to feel bad about it for long.
You know, it happened.
It's, you know, it's done.
And at least, you know, what are some positives from it, you think?
I think now I've got to find someone that I can actually find in love with, you
know?
Okay.
I can.
And when I find someone that I'm actually in love with, you know, it's not like
I'm your first, you know?
Have you been in love before?
No.
No, I haven't.
Yeah, and that's probably what you really want, you know?
That is what I want, but it's so hard to find, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's why I like to, you know, I mean, I totally agree with you,
and I think that's why it's so valuable when we find it, because, you know, it's
hard to find, you know?
It's like...
Yeah, it's really hard to find.
Yeah.
But I got faith in you, man.
You know, look, if there's any fans out there who are looking for love and not
just to show up and, you know, bang some guy out in his mom's attic and then
jet, I hope that that listener hits you up as well if they recognize your voice.
And look, man, I'd fuck you if I had time, man, if I had free time, if I had 30
free years and a vagina, you know?
I honestly would, dude.
I'm not even joking.
And I mean this from my heart, dude.
If I had 35 extra years, nothing to do at all, I was just going to be in a coma.
I would easily probably move up there for 15 of them and fucking have a couple
of kids and start a family and grow my hair out.
And I wouldn't tell.
I would, bro.
And I wouldn't tell a soul, man.
I wouldn't tell a soul.
Then I'd cut my hair and come back to here.
Well, it's good to hear.
You know, it's nice to have s