Name: Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend #128
Uploaded: 2018-09-06T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend #128' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend #128' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-06. Transcript available.

Bert Kreischer | This Past Weekend #128

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Man, what gets me is I'll get in my email and I'll be just trying to respond to
something, you know, respond.
Maybe my aunt sent me a picture or something or, you know, she always takes
pictures the wrong way at birthday parties,
right in with the window in the background.
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And when I think of SaneBox, I don't think of my ex-girlfriend, you know what I'm
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Today's guest is a man who actually, that book Van Wilder was based on this man.
And he is, you know, when you think about a man, I mean, I bet if you just
crack this bad little piece of human cattle open, I bet his colon smells like
Miller Lite's.
And he's a special kind of man.
And he's a family man.
He's a comedian.
He's done some really wild stuff in his day.
And he was once voted the number one party human in America as a child, as a
semi-adult child.
And he's not an alcoholic, but he's, you know, well, I probably shouldn't have
said that part of this.
But he has a new special coming out on Netflix called Secret Time.
And he's here today, my friend, Mr. Bert Kreischer.
Bert?
I've done this a lot in my life.
I was thinking about this in bed last night.
I take liberties with people that I think I know.
Right.
And I make a joke and they're like, and because I'm not a ball buster, I'm like
a just hangout guy.
I think people think I don't like them.
And I go, no, no, no, I fucking love you.
I just thought, like, you break my balls, I can break yours.
And so that's all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel you.
Whitney Cummins was in here and we were talking.
Dude, I had the same thing happen with Whitney.
I had the exact, like, I did this thing where I just was breaking balls I didn't
know.
And I put, dude, it gets me so upset because I go, I'm like, I like you.
I mean, you're my friend.
Like, I'm doing this for fun.
But we went to a Rams game.
And if you do hashtag mob squad, your picture goes up on the thing.
I remember the thing you got on the Jumbotron.
I got on the Jumbotron.
I'm all over the Jumbotron.
Whenever you go to that game, I'm like the first nine pictures because it's the
most likes get up on the Jumbotron.
Yeah, there's one of me with a bunch of chicks and I got the machine on my
shirt.
I'm pointing to that.
And so it was a joke.
I'm with my buddy Tony and we're fucked up.
And I'm flipping on Instagram to see if I'm up on the Jumbotron and there's a
picture of Whitney with her horse.
And my buddy goes, oh my God, wouldn't it be fucking hilarious?
Just screen grab it, post as if it's on your account, hashtag mob squad, and it'll
go up on the Jumbotron.
Wow.
And so I do it.
It goes up on the Jumbotron and just row behind her.
Someone goes, who the fuck brought their horse to a game?
And we're laughing hysterically.
And then Whitney just, it's just out of context.
And she's like, what the fuck?
Is he making fun of me?
Right.
I'm like, no, you're my friend.
Oh my God.
Then you feel horrible and you're like, I just want to call you and go, because
the text doesn't work the way.
Right.
But yeah, I do that to everyone.
Did you call her?
I do it to Bill Burr.
These are the ones I do it to where it's a total safe place.
And maybe I should just stay there.
Segura, Bill Burr, Rogan, Ari, Joey.
Even with Joey, you got to be a little careful because Joey's not the most
technologically all over the map guy.
Right.
So if he just hears word of mouth, yo, Burt was shitting on you, he'll call you
immediately.
Yeah.
But like Joe, man, we fuck with Joe Hardy shit on that Sober October thing.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
When he was doing, I remember he came into the comedy store once and he seemed
kind of like upset.
I was like, what's going on?
He's like, I've had to do yoga for 30 days in a row and I'm about to lose my
mind.
Let me tell you something about fucking Rogan.
And by the way, just because of these internet goddamn trolls, I love Joe Rogan.
He's one of my closest friends.
But man, when we started doing that Sober October thing, this is how it went
down.
It was all about me.
Everyone's going to do it.
But then Ari and Tom said they'd be into it.
And we thought it was a thing, a collective with Joe.
So I cut this video and in the video, it's me running through the forest and I
go, this Sober October, me and my friends, Two Titty Tom, Ari the Welsh Shafir,
and Powerful Joe Rogan will all be going sober.
I send it to Joe before I post it and I go, hey, just making sure everyone's
cool with this.
Joe doesn't reply.
And so we're like.
So you took that as a yeah?
No.
So Sober and Tom and I are like, Sober and Ari and I are like, wait, no reply
from Joe.
And then Ari's like, wait, Joe's doing it, right?
So he sends a text.
And Joe's like, no, fuck you guys.
I don't have a problem.
You guys fucking suck.
You guys are doing it.
And then Ari's then Ari mounts a fucking attack campaign and he and he texts us
independently.
He goes, yo, I'm taking down Joe.
You are with me.
Now, Sober is such a fucking cuck.
Even when we fucking write, Ari's like, I'm going to post a video.
I want your comments to be the first two comments on Instagram.
And I know we're going to workshop them.
So they're aggressive enough that Joe has to reply.
Right.
So I write mine.
I guess I really don't have a problem.
Joe's got the problem.
He can't give up marijuana.
Whatever I said, you know, he needs it to eat his dinner.
If you need marijuana, eat your dinner.
You've got a problem.
And then Segura writes his.
And Segura is such a fucking bitch.
He's like, he's like, powerful Joe Rogan doesn't need to give up anything.
He's the greatest human being in the world.
Whatever the fuck he said, it was like that.
Right.
Ari and I were like, no, fuck you.
We're writing yours.
Yeah.
And you're cutting, pasting it.
You're not leaving us out to dry.
Right.
So I wrote Tom's, sent it to Ari, and it was with the hashtag PrayForJoe.
Wow.
And that PrayForJoe went fucking viral.
Like, it's on the end of my special.
Yeah.
On the end of my special, they're like, who would you want to thank?
And I wrote, I want to thank Two-Titty Tom, the Welch, and hashtag PrayForJoe.
And the crazy thing was, if you go to hashtag PrayForJoe, there's also tons of
people that have been hit by cars named Joe and stuff like that who are in all
these hospital beds and everything.
And then there's Joe Rogan with a joint in his mouth, like the Dalai Lama.
So it's a really wild, you can get really caught up in there.
I went to the PrayForJoe hashtag one time and ended up spending like probably
almost $2,000 in GoFundMe campaigns.
Dude, dude.
So I can't even, I don't know what to, I don't know if I should blame that on
you or what I should do.
It's, I'm telling you, man, and I, you know, I think one of the things people
enjoy about that Sober October and about these bets that me and Joe and Ari and
Tom make is that it sets up the joke for them to join along and they can make
fun of the comics they love, like Joe or Tom or Ari or even myself.
And they know that we get it, that we know it's a joke.
Right.
And so, and they make us laugh.
And then we repost good ones and people are like, you know, people come up with
me and greets, but like, bro, do you remember the picture where Joe was up
front and you and Ari were in Vietnam and Joe was, it was Apocalypse Now?
And I was like, yeah.
And they're like, I made that.
And you're like, oh shit, dude.
And I, we follow a lot of those guys like Photoshop, Steve.
There's some great guys.
There's a lot of really great artists out there that we all just got into
because they make awesome fucking Photoshop.
Dude, Adib Brax, Diabrax.
There's a man there.
Yeah, there's a couple of guys.
I follow them all because whatever they post, the ones with D'Elia, the guys
that fuck with D'Elia make me laugh hysterical.
Oh, dude, when I go on the road and I get videos with stuff with people, it's
always like, fuck D'Elia, all of them.
Fuck D'Elia, fuck Rappaport.
He's someone.
Well, he lost his belt to me.
They have a belt right here that I won.
Wait, how do I get the belt?
You have to win it.
Okay.
And you didn't win it.
But how do I win it?
I don't know.
Oh, so it's Fighter and the Kid.
I'm going on Fighter and the Kid in like a couple of weeks.
I talked to Brian and Brennan.
Okay, so you have a chance.
So what do I need?
So then the listeners then just vote, right?
Okay.
But here's the thing, though.
I didn't do any campaigning, so that was the thing.
It was like you let their listeners vote.
And I felt like their listeners just voted, and I beat Chris D'Elia by like,
this was last year, by like 31%.
It was sent to 30% or something.
Hinchcliffe had 1%, even though he-
Hinchcliffe had one.
I bet he campaigned like a motherfucker.
We also has, I feel like he has cystic fibrosis, but he just manages it really
well.
You notice that about Hinchcliffe?
I got to be honest with you.
If someone can get this up, I know this, I'm the only one that sees this.
Tony Hinchcliffe today looks like Joe Rogan in 1991.
No, he hit the fuck out of me.
I swear to fucking God.
There's a picture where Joe is in a leather jacket, and he's off to the side,
and he's like this.
And their jawlines, this jaw part is identical.
Really?
This is pre-Kettlebell Joe.
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe could go as Joe Rogan for Halloween, I bet.
A young Joe Rogan from news radio.
I don't know.
Even then, Joe is getting a little yoked, but-
Tony has like the very, he has like the fuck, like a-
Tony has like somebody who's been, who was trapped in like a mine or something
and finally
made it out.
But years later, and everybody, like they thought everybody had died in there
or whatever,
and they built a neighborhood on the mine and everything, and it's all over,
and the news
even forgot about it, and then Tony comes out, like get a climb from like a
million, like
literally, he had a rock climb from a millio