Name: Good Vibe Tribe | This Past Weekend #129
Uploaded: 2018-09-10T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Vibe Tribe | This Past Weekend #129' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Vibe Tribe | This Past Weekend #129' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-10. Transcript available.

Good Vibe Tribe | This Past Weekend #129

As always, the episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard
on the way to the beach.
You know, if you've seen me recently, you know that I got, um, you know, you
know I got that wild boy hairstyle.
You know, you got, you know, I got that human alpaca.
You know what I'm saying? I'm that freaking, I'm that shag, I'm that, I'm that
5 foot 11 shag carpet bag daddy.
You know what I'm saying? You know, I got that, you know what I'm saying?
You see me combing, you see me parting, they trying to catch me hair and
naughty.
You know how I'm doing with that hair, hair.
And the thing how I do my hair these days is, you know, they out of Aquanet.
When I was young, we used to use that Aquanet, boy.
Dude, Aquanet, you could do anything, bro. You could seal.
If you didn't have fix a flat and your tire went out, bam, boy, put a can of
that net right up against that rubber, you know, that rubber tire.
You're bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
That tire never bust again.
That tire never bust again.
That tire could go to church.
Boy, that tire would be in styling.
Aquanet was crazy, man.
You could make a little flamethrower at the house.
If you wanted to, you know, maybe you had a disgruntled lover and you wanted to
torch that house.
Get you a little birthday candle, you know, out there.
Wear a lit birthday candle and get you a can of Aquanet hairspray.
And just, oh, happy birthday, mother fucker.
Burn it down.
Burn it down.
That's what you could do with that Aquanet.
And they had that, man.
You can't even get a can of Aquanet anymore.
Nowadays, if you want to get a can of Aquanet, you need to go behind like a Staples
or something and see a couple of little bad boys back there being naughty.
You know, maybe three or four men back there playing, you know, playing cream
horn or something or something wild like that.
You know, playing snickerdoodle with each other's bodies, you know, playing,
you know, looking for lemon meringues in the back of each other's throats.
And those are the kind of people that might have a can of that A, that A-N,
that Aquanet.
And Aquanet was, man, I mean, you could, dude, it was the original taxidermy
product.
Nowadays, they got a lot of taxidermists out there.
You know, I got a buddy out there, Mr. Duncan, who's a taxidermist.
He's out there derming out on them squirrels and all of that, you know what I'm
saying?
And fucking, anytime you're using a paintbrush on a raccoon's asshole, you know
that you, that ain't work.
You know, I don't consider that work if we're really talking about taxidermy.
Taxidermy, you out there, you know what I'm saying?
Anytime you're putting the finishing touches on a baby walrus dick, I don't
consider that, that ain't art, you know what I'm saying?
You out there verting, boy, you out there perverting.
You know, Mother Nature ain't hiring you to put the finishing touches on her
products.
You out there playing with, let's be honest, if you're doing dermy, if you're
out there in them derm derm streets, boy,
them derm derm calles, you know, then you are, I mean, that's the dark arts.
You know what I'm saying?
Anytime you out there, you know, you just massaging the nostrils of a fucking
senior citizen raccoon to get it just right because you're a taxidermist.
Yeah, man, that ain't even proper and you know it.
But aquanet was the original, if you wanted to do taxidermy and you couldn't,
you know, or if you were like, say you had a, you know, you would just hit an
animal with that net.
Hit him with that hairspray and that thing was stuck like that.
You could catch a bass and just spray it down with that aquanet, put it on the
wall, but jam.
And now you have that beautiful, you know, you have that piece that people can
see and be like, oh, he's got abilities.
He's got, you know, fisherman capabilities like that.
But now if you, if you don't have an aquanet also, say if you were at the house
and, you know, they had a lady in our neighborhood, Miss Grutch.
And Miss Grutch had a, well, she actually had a panther that killed her cousin,
right?
And, but that's because he was trying to throw a surprise party.
And I mean, you don't throw a surprise party around a panther.
Everybody knows that shit.
Okay.
The last, here's the last thing you do around a panther is jump out from behind
a piece of furniture and yell surprise.
Okay.
Cause that is, uh, that is exhibit A for you're about to die to a panther.
So, so anyway, they, um, but she had a broken window in her house.
You know, she had a one front window and that thing was broke out, you know,
because her and her husband had gotten in a fight and, uh, and he threw a lawnmower
through it.
And here's the crazy thing.
You don't think a lawnmower go through a front window.
Well, it will.
But the thing was though, she had a cat after that and the cat would, um, and
it had, it was like a big hair cat.
One of those, I don't know what they're called.
Um, you know, uh, uh, you know, a fluffer or something.
One of those big ball look like your fucking chubby aunt.
You ever have a chubby aunt and maybe she's Italian or something or, uh, you
know, she got that Pomeranian.
She got so much hair, but she had a cat like that and it had big hair.
And the window, um, so she, what she would do, the window wasn't too big.
So what she would do, she spray that cat down with that hairspray and get its
hair as wide as it could.
And then the cat had to, couldn't get out the window.
Literally the hair, when he would try to get out, his hair would be too hard
and it would stop him.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Meow.
So that was, uh, so back in the day, you know, if you had to keep an animal in
a house, then you would spray it up and get its hair big.
And it would be kind of confined.
They call that confined.
But those were the good old days, man.
But what I'm telling you right now is that, um, that nowadays from my hair,
people wonder how I keep this suave mystique, you know, and how I keep my suave
mystique is this, you know, and you hear that beard brand right there and beard
brand.
That's a premium men's hair product.
Okay.
I'm using that old money sea salt spray.
And I don't know if you're familiar with this style, but it's like Poseidon
just spit in a damn little shoot bottle.
And you just fire this thing in your head, boy.
Ooh, ooh, Poseidon just throwing that naughty, naughty front wash onto me.
And he put, you know, mm, and it's tasty too.
It tastes like you about to, mm, it tastes like you just, mm, like you just
tangled tongues with a damn starfish.
But beer brand is based out of Austin, Texas and encourages men to be
themselves.
They have a lot of great products, man.
They got that temple smoke, this beautiful little balm you can put onto a, you
know, onto your skin, onto your hair.
It just kind of adds texture.
It's about adding texture and suave and suavation to yourself.
You got to make sure to grab that utility balm.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's great anywhere you need it, beer, hair, skin.
You know, you could probably use it around your cuticles if you're hardening up
around the cutes.
If you're getting real crispy in them cutes, you know, in them fingernails, you
can get it.
It's a moisturizing product that softens hair, breathes life into your skin,
into your hair.
Go to beardbrand.com slash Theo today for a free sample of that sea salt spray
automatically added to your first order.
It adds texture.
It adds volume.
Everything at Beard Brand does add to yourself, okay?
Foster confidence through grooming.
Be that Beard Brand bad boy.
Go to beardbrand.com slash Theo today for that free sea salt hitter.
And, man, look, I just want to say welcome to the show.
Man, that was a long intro, wasn't it?
But, hey, hey, hey, that's where we are today.
And you guys are a bunch of damn, you know, I know you guys are a bunch of saucy
little caramels.
And everybody in summer is just, summer, it's like just starting to fall off
the edge of the, fall off the cliff into the past.
Summer is just falling away and all the melons and the, you know, and them
fruit, you know, the mom fruit salads.
And I love a damn fruit salad, bro.
Think about who thought of that fruit salad.
Who said, you know what, and who, cheers to them.
Cheers to the fruit salad, bro.
That's the Rosa Parks of recipes right there.
Because when you think somebody having a salad.
And a salad, it basically looks like dragging your mouth.
It's like somebody just opens your mouth and puts your arms out and just drags
you through a garden.
You know, it's having a salad, bro, make you fucking, it's having a salad,
honestly, make your neck hurt a little.
But then somebody's having a salad and they're like, I know what would be
really good in a salad.
Fucking fruit, coconut, raisins, marshmallows, CBD oil.
Come on, boy.
Now we talking fruit salad, bro.
Dude, you have two fucking handfuls of fruit salad, bro.
You know what I'm saying, dude?
You'll test drive your stepmother, dog, if she's down, you know.
Anything's possible, dude.
You know, I'll fucking build a chimney, bro.
I'll put a chimney onto a damn outhouse, dude.
Yeah, we shitting and fucking, you know, we burning logs everywhere in this
sucker.
We, you know, we got that doo-doo going in that.
We making heat.
You know, I'll do anything.
I'll shit right into a fireplace, bro, and cook it up.
You know what I'm saying?
And that's that power of fruit salad.
Sorry, I know I got off a beaten path there.
Anyway, man, I just want to say welcome to the show.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Remember this old tune, man?
Do you remember the, uh, this one right here?
This past weekend.
That was that intro, man, that original intro right there.
And I want to say welcome, man, you know, and here we go.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate our days.
Celebrate all your pain.
All of your demons exercise.
Come on.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
And that's, uh, Spencer Jacob Growl band right there.
And they're doing it right.
And, uh, that is their song Celebrate.
And thank you guys for being here with me today.
Um, oh man, I had a wild weekend.
You know?
I got, I got moving.
You know, I found, look, I mean, on a couple levels.
I got my own motivation going this weekend.
You know, I went running.
Okay.
I don't know if you've been running or not, but I mean, it was, dude, you get
out there
that first run.
If you haven't ran in a while, you know, cause I've been more of this year, I've
been more
of like a walker, you know, or loitering, maybe loitering quickly.
I'll give myself that, but I've been more of that kind of, you know, one step
at a time.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want to do too much with my feet and legs and knees all at once.
But I got out there and went for a run, put on some Aerosmith.
I put on some Aerosmith.
I listened to that Joe Rogan and Elon Musk.
Dude, I thought the world was going to blow up, bro.
Dude, I was, can you imagine listening?
Imagine just somebody somewhere just eating a little Debbie moon pie, getting a
blow job
at a Chrysler Pontiac dealership.
Now that's how to listen to that one.
You know, a little bit of weed smoke in the air and you having one of them
little Debbie
bad boy hitters, you know, taking one of them, you know, them, them sugary no-nos
right
into your fucking, into your, into your air valve, bro.
You know, right into that fucking meat sucker, that throat.
And you getting a blow jab over there at that Pontiac Chrysler dealership.
And in the background, you got Elon Musk and Joe Rogan going on.
But yeah, I hit the, I just hit the streets, man.
And my legs, they felt like rentals.
I don't know if you've ever been on that first run, but your legs feel like,
damn, is it?
One of them was automatic.
One of them was a stick shift.
I'm just out there like, I'm complaining about shit.
I'm like, they got too many potholes in the city.
I was losing it, man.
But I did it, dude.
And here's why I did it, m