Name: You're Not Alone | This Past Weekend #133
Uploaded: 2018-09-24T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You're Not Alone | This Past Weekend #133' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You're Not Alone | This Past Weekend #133' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-24. Transcript available.

You're Not Alone | This Past Weekend #133

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What's up, you coma roamers?
What's up, you sleepy creepies?
Wake up, man.
Get your mind up.
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She was hotter than the blacktop.
Broke down at a truck stop.
She looked about as wild as the story she told.
Said she was a Christian saving souls in Savannah
And the lovers sending her to Alabama.
Had a pistol in her boots
Blonde hair, dark roots
Said she got a whole man
But I shouldn't be worried
Do it seem like she was in a hurry
Higher than a junkie
Dryin' out in the slammer
Lord, I hope I don't die in Alabama
And that's a little Bishop Gunn right there
With Alabama
And
And
And that
That music video is coming out in a few weeks
I'm gonna be in that, dude
I told you guys a while back
I got to be in that music video
With the Bishop Gunn
And I play
You know
Pretty much
A young fellow
You know
A lightly aged gentleman
You know
You know
Still kinda
Strong in the skin
But also
Kind of
Nervous in the spirit
And
I am
I'm on the run from
Literally
On the run from the dark arts
Down in Alabama
So that was a beautiful
Time that I had with them
Boy
That was just a real
Just
Joyous occasion
Like somebody just
Sprinkles sugar
All inside of my damn heart
What's up?
Good to see you guys
This episode is always
Is brought to you by
Great Block Pizza
So I'm gonna put that in
And
And
They're at
1811 Pico Boulevard
In Los Angeles
And I just got back
From
Toronto
In Toronto
I was at the
Just for Laughs
Comedy Festival
And they say
Festival
But
It seemed like
A little bit of
Like a scam
Where they're just
Using comedians
To sell tickets
Honestly
And the shows are great
It's still great
It's great for the fans
That come out
You know
It's great for that
Curious crew
That come out to see me
And to go see anybody
But I just felt like
The JF
The company
Didn't put on
Much of a festival
I didn't think
You know
I mean I saw a couple
You know
They had
They had a homeless
Dude out there
Looking for his friend
And you know
For three days
Every time I go outside
This dude
Asked me
If I seen his friend
And I don't
You know
I don't know
If these
You know
These wild cats
Have been playing
Hide and go seek
Since the
Since the 90s
Or what
But this
You know
He's like
Hey
Have you seen
My friend
You know
Have you seen
My friend
You know
He has kind of
Long hair
But it's also
Kind of short
On the sides
And I'm like
Who has long hair
But short on the sides
And then I'm thinking
Oh fuck
That's me
Maybe this man
Is looking for me
But anyway
So yeah
If that's the festival
Some dude
Looking for his friend
Then that was the festival
But the city itself
You know
I really
I can't speak highly
Look
I love America
I'm happy to be American
I'm grateful to be American
I don't exist
If I'm not here
This is
My place in time
And my place
You know
On this earth
This is the
You know
The cubicle of earth
That I came into
Was through that
You know
That red white
And blue
Cubicle
You know
This is the
This is
The pathway
That I came into existence
Was through America
But
But Canada's a great place man
I mean
And Toronto
Dude
It's so diverse
Let me tell you that
Dude
If you're racist
You couldn't even figure out
Who to hate
This is the most
Diverse place
You've ever seen man
They got everything out there
They got
One dude said
He was jalapeno
I'm like
What is that?
They got a dude
He was Polish
And Pomeranian
You know
They got what?
Japanese
Sri Lankan
Some dude said
He's Sri Lankan
And I'm like
Mountain climbing?
Repelling?
Some dude said
He was
You know
I think he said
He was
Serbian macchiato
Like what is that?
Dude
It's diverse
I mean
It's
Bro
It is diverse
They got everything
And that's why I say
Beige power
The future is beige
Baby
The future
Is beige
So beige power
But yeah
People are just so friendly
I mean
You know
Canada is the kind of place
Somebody will break into your house
And install an alarm
You're like
You'll be in your
Like somebody would
You'd have some dude
Hiding in your closet
With a knife
In Canada
And he would come out
And be like
Hey
Hey
I just
I just hear
Was just
Sharpening your knives
For you
Here's one
And you're like
What?
Like he thought
He was going to stab you
But he's just
He's been sharpening
All your knives
That's what he was doing
You know
And also
Maybe had
You know
It's just
It's
Man
It's just
People are just friendly
You could get shot
And killed
Bro
Probably by a stray bullet
From another country
Maybe from North Korea
A stray bullet
Comes across the
Stratosphere
Hits you in Canada
You're dying in the street
And a Canadian
Would come up to you
And be like
Hey
Do you have a
Do you still have a busy day ahead?
And you'd be like
Yeah
Yeah
I have a lot
I had a lot of stuff to do
Later today
But I'm
I'm dying
And they'd be like
Hey
Well
I'll die for you
You know
Well don't you just go on
About your day
And I'll just lay here
And die for you
If you don't mind
Like
Uh
Um
Okay
Like that's Canada
Somebody will just die for you
Because
They don't want
Just too nice
Dude
I literally
I was out last night
Um
What else
Dude
Thank you to everybody
That came out man
Great
Great
Great
Great
Great people came out
You know
And not fans
I don't like to think of like fans
You know
I think of
People that come out
A little bit more
Like a curious crew
Because that's when
When I think of myself
As being like a fan
Of something
Really I'm just curious
About it
You know
I've talked about that
Before
I'm just kind of
You know
My curiosity
Has been
Enveloped
You know
Or summoned
By something
And so
You know
We had a beautiful
Curious crew
Of characters
That came out
To the shows
And uh
Yeah man
I got to be at this place
Called the Winter Garden
And they got trees
They got foliage
Up in the ceiling
So they got
You know
Johnny Appleseed
Was just
I don't know
If he was on some
Fucking MDMA
Or something
You know
And he just put
Sucks
Just
Suction cups
On his feet
And just
You know
Went wall to wall
But they have
They have all kinds of
Trees and plants
Hanging from
All the ceiling
In there
So it's really
I mean
It was a beautiful theater
And it was one of my
First experiences
In a theater
You know
I performed in
South Africa
A couple years ago
In a humongous
Theater there
But it had been
A long time
And that was part
Of a festival
There down in
Johannesburg
But this was
Man this was nice
And it was just
Good people
What else
What else
Happened over there
Oh I hung out
With Nick Swartzen
And Nick Swartzen
Is like a little
Kind of
You know
He's like
Seven years old
And also
You know
Like
Forty years old
So he's like
47 years old
Like he has
Like
I've never been
Around anybody
That made me laugh
More than that guy
He literally
Told me stories
About him being
Set on fire
He had some
Great stories
About
Just
When he was
Coming up in comedy
And the different
People he would see
Man it was just
Great
I had a great time
I got to
Who else was there
I don't really see
Any other comedians
And there wasn't
Like a bunch of
Big hangouts
You know
It wasn't really
Like I didn't feel
Like a festival
But it was
A good time
And thank you
To all the curious
Crew that came out
And enjoyed it
You know
At the
You know
The late show
On set
The show on
On Saturday
Was at midnight
And people
Stayed around
After and hung out
My boy
Dickie Clune
He used to
Play up there
Or he plays
Up there
He plays
Hockey for
Toronto
And he came
Out
And
And it was
Just good
You know
I just felt
Great man
So many people
Just like
Gave me hugs
And you know
It made me feel
Really really uplifted
And I just
Thank you so much
But damn
If you want to
Be in diversity
Dude
You want to
See the future
And see it
Be comfortable
And fun
There's just no
There's something
About Canada
Where you just
Don't
There's something
In America
Where you feel
This like
People's got
This chip
On their shoulder
And I can't
Really
I don't know
Where it comes
From
You know
I think
It's a distrust
Almost
And I don't
Know if it's
Something that's
Just
That we
Feel
From
As much
From
Real
Interactions
That we've
Had
Or if
We feel
It
From
Because
The pressure
From
Like you know
Our news
And our
Media
Always saying
That everything
Is so wrong
But when you
Get to Canada
Man it's like
This ninth
Layer of skin
That you
That
Like this
Nervous energy
This
It falls
Off you
If I can't
Like it falls
Off you
You just
Don't
Feel
As
Fearful
And you
Just feel
More relaxed
And you
Walk down
The street
And there's
Oh people
Is
Beautiful
In
Toronto
If you
Live in
A place
And everybody's
Ugly
You know
Or not
Real super
Handsome
You know
Or if
You live
In a
House
And your
Family
Don't
Have
You know
Y'all
Genetics
Is real
It's real
Touch and
Go
In the
DNA
At your
House
You know
Maybe y'all
Got a
Couple
Step
Moms
That's
Also
You know
You know
Your
Grandfather
Or whatever
Who knows
And everybody
Got's
Kind of
Whiskers
And you
You know
Maybe your
Mother
Got's
A sideburn
Growing out
Right under
Her chin
Who knows
Bro
Cause a lot
Of them
You know
They got
A lot
Of
They got
A lot
Of twisted
Bad girls
Up in the
Catskills
And that
You know
A lot
Of
You know
Them
Adirondack
Snow kittens
Out there
And them
Bad bitches
Up there
They'll grow
A fucking
Sideburn
Right up
Under their
Neck
They don't
Care
You know
Some ladies
Down there
In Florida
They had
Too much
Sunshine
And their
Chest
Is starting
To
It looked
Like somebody
Melted a
Piece of
Cheese
Right here
In between
Their breasts
And I don't
Know what
That's called
I don't
Know
You know
I'm not
A doctor
I'm not
Especially
I'm not
About them
Queso
Diseases
You know
But they
Definitely
You'll see
A lot
Of ladies
Out there
You'll see
A lot
Of ladies
Out there
If you're
Down to
Florida
And no
Disrespect
To it
But a lot
Of ladies
They got
That
It looked
Like somebody
Melted a couple
Of pieces
Of velveta
Right there
Just right
Up between
Their tat
Tits
And you're
Like damn
And you
Look if you
And if you're
Drunk enough
You might just
Want to order
A side
Of chips
And just
Dip
That
And hit
Them
Tits
Tats
With that
Chip
Chat
Boy
And treat
Your throat
To something
Fucking
Test
Tasty
You know
Put that
Taste test
In your
Throat
Because some
Of them
Ladies
Got that
Velveta
That melted
Velveta
You know
That
That
You know
Titty canal
And that's
From too much
Sunshine
And so
You know
What I'm
Just saying
Anyway
You got
A lot
Of
You know
And they
Got
Sometimes
You'll see
A dude
And he
Got
You know
We had
A guy
In our
Neighborhood
Growing up
This guy
What the
What was
That dude's
Name
Bruh
Captain
Ranul
And his
Parents
I remember
I heard
Later
His
His parents
They couldn't
Decide to
Name him
Daniel
Or Randy
So they
Named him
Ranul
And then
He
He 