Name: Brendan Schaub | This Past Weekend #134
Uploaded: 2018-09-27T13:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brendan Schaub | This Past Weekend #134' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Brendan Schaub | This Past Weekend #134' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-27. Transcript available.

Brendan Schaub | This Past Weekend #134

Welcome to this past weekend. We have a guest today and this episode is brought
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They also have knives.
What's up, guys?
I'll be in Charlotte next weekend at the Comedy Zone.
And he will be in Seattle.
And his name, he is today's guest.
He was in the, he played division, some subdivision football.
Not in a subdivision, but like in a lower division.
And he also was a wrestler.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today, Mr. Brendan Schaub.
Damn, dude, Brendan Schaub, ladies and gentlemen.
Big Brownden, people call him.
Dude, I heard a black woman call you Brownden the other day.
Brownden, yeah, yeah.
I get that a lot.
I don't know.
I don't correct them either.
I'm like, where'd up?
Where'd your mother?
Where'd your mother?
Do you have a lot of black fans?
Do you seem like a kind of guy?
Yeah, I could see that.
And the black women, I feel like.
Yes, the big girls.
Shout out to all the big girls.
I could see that, boy.
Them hardy boy.
The hardy boys, bro.
Yeah, the hardy boys, dude.
The hardy boys, dog.
Oh, this one, I met a black woman one time.
I had the hardest hips I'd ever seen in my life, bro.
Damn.
Just real.
Almost like wooden.
What do you mean hard?
You mean like she's swolled up like quads?
Like she got them one, two thick thighs that you get at KFC?
The white meat?
No, this was more like, it almost seemed like more of an infected kind of gristle.
Veiny gristle?
I didn't see many veins in it, bro.
It almost seemed like wood.
Like say if you said, you know, it's been a good year, you know.
Hope it's a great spring, you know.
And then you could knock on her leg.
Like knock on wood.
Now, did she have a huge cock as well?
Most girls don't have those big quads, dude.
Nah, man.
We don't have all that in here, bro.
I don't know.
I don't know what you're into, bro.
Dude, I'm into fucking being a straight up champion here.
You're a straight up champ.
I'm not Matt, your outfit today.
You're not?
No, G-Star?
Oh, yeah.
This is G-Star.
Word.
G-Star Raw, too.
It's organic.
Raw.
Yeah.
They really emphasize the raw, don't they?
Oh, definitely, dude.
Fucking chill, G-Star.
Bro, you a little bit.
And no joke, you look decent, bro.
But you also look like probably, you look like the assistant coach on the women's
golf team
at Rutgers.
That's what I feel like.
Oh, that's not bad.
That's not bad.
You look like the creepy high school women's volleyball coach who fucks all the
players
and then gets busted.
Oh, damn.
And then gets busted for it.
Come on, man.
You look like a high school lacrosse coach who fucks the players.
What are the players, boys or girls?
Girls and boys.
And it doesn't matter because it's all illegal.
It's all legal.
But I just want to know from my own peace of mind.
Bro, you look like-
You look good, man.
Nah, dude, don't tell me that after that.
Why not, bro?
Because that's like-
Some of those lacrosse coaches are like dime pieces and they're coaching the
women's team
and then they just start fucking the hot ones.
Man, you look like the guy that gets beat at the first round of every video
game, bro.
You look like the dude that gets beat.
That is frustrating.
You look like the kid who goes to the arcade but it's too broke so he watches
everybody else
plays.
Oh, that was me.
Like, oh, bro, that move was sick.
Yeah, yeah.
Back up, bro.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Back the fuck up, bro.
My parents love me.
You have no quarters.
Get the fuck back.
That was me, bro.
And when that dude was done, I would go up real quick and try to touch the
controls to
see if it would still work a little.
Hopefully they still have some lies left and shit.
And then just push the little slots in for the quarters.
Yeah, man.
I'll tell you what else.
You look like the dude who goes to Dave and Buster's at however the fuck old
you are and
still talks that.
Trying to jump and crawl up to the fucking ski ball, pull the balls out and
still fucking
play.
Keep track yourself.
Bro, you look like Dave Buster.
That's who you fucking look like.
You look like a dude that makes shady carnival games, man.
That place is shady as fuck.
Dude, one of my friends went missing in there.
This guy, Jeremy, that I used to go to high school with.
Yeah, it makes sense.
I don't trust it.
No one's ever seen him.
No, I don't trust him.
I've never seen that guy.
And if you look at arcades now, the graphics are weak compared to PS4s and shit.
Yeah.
Shit is weak.
Oh, and it's so dark so you can't see how dirty it is.
If you go into those GameWorks or Dave and Buster's, first of all, they're
selling alcohol
and video games right next to each other.
And kids.
Yeah.
It's like a kid area too, bro.
And then you can collect all the tokens and buy some weird shit you don't want.
And the tokens are garbage, man.
Yeah, get that shit out of my face.
I just discovered some underworld.
There are professional Dave and Buster's guys that go there, they win tickets,
and then
they buy the shit and sell it for above what they got.
There's a whole underworld.
Really?
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Like a dark web of losers.
Basically, if you go to Dave and Buster's without a military discount, you've
already
lost.
That's rule number one when you're buying tokens.
Oh, wow.
So you got to enlist, man.
Did you ever...
Enlist, bro.
It's a little strange that Nick knows all that stuff.
Yeah, that's a little too much info.
Are you the guy who does that?
I was investigating, see if it...
Side hustle, maybe.
It wouldn't surprise me if you did that.
I don't judge.
I don't judge.
Well, Nick was a premature baby, too.
And I've told you that.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I know.
It makes sense.
And yeah.
Well, it happens.
Look, man.
We all have...
Some of us are born too early and some of us are born too late, you know?
Some of us hang at Dave and Buster's every day of the week and fucking hustle
kids
out of their tokens.
Brandon Schaub is here.
Dude, do you...
I was thinking about this the other day.
Do you...
Because you played football and then you played fighting.
Yeah, you don't play a fight, but yeah, carry on.
Well, dude, I watched some of your videos.
It's you basically beating fat guys up.
I don't know if you've seen some of the fights, okay?
Oh, okay.
One of them's at a mall.
It's not even in the ring.
I'm like, who is that guy?
One of them, you're punching a black guy who's on the ground, which is
basically like...
Illegal?
Illegal now.
Depends what state you're in.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That was in, I think, Washington.
It's cool there.
Do you ever see a fight and you think like...
And you feel the desire in you to be back out there?
No, never.
Not at all.
Too busy now, man.
Yeah.
But outside of too busy, like outside of like the business side of it, you know?
Like, is it in your...
In my nature?
Yeah, like in your...
I mean, competition is, but that was as a kid growing up with a brother.
Or playing football or whatever I'm doing.
Whether it's a podcast and making sure I'm still on the top in the rankings.
So it's always...
The competition's always there.
I don't want to hit people, though.
Right.
I have no desire.
My life is way better now.
I never look back.
I never look back.
Ever.
What's the toughest hit that you've taken physically since you got out of the
UFC?
I mean, physically, I don't get hit anymore.
I don't spar or anything like that.
Right, but you fall down or slip on something?
Slip on a marble?
Slip on a...
Oh, my kid got this little scooter, like a thing, and I was running down
backwards trying
to be out cool while he's chasing me, and I ate shit, and all the parents saw
it.
Really?
I popped up.
I was embarrassed as fuck.
Yeah.
I was so embarrassed.
Do you...
Like, if you're a kid, do you have to take your kid on play dates and stuff
like that
or no?
I mean, he went to a birthday party the other week, but not really.
When they're two and a half, they kind of stay to themselves.
Oh, really?
Your kid's only two and a half years old?
Two and a half.
Hmm.
Do you think your kid seems like a strong baby or not?
Yeah, he's a little freak.
Is he?
He's a broccolizer of two and a half year olds.
Oh, wow.
Everyone thinks he's four.
Yeah?
He's a freak.
Oh, yeah.
I could see that.
But every parent says that.
Like, you're using the 99 percentile.
Nah, bitch, for real.
My kid's a giant.
Yeah, every parent says that.
Like, oh, he's in...
You know, we got the test back.
He's so smart.
I'm like, no, no, he's regular.
He's regular.
He's so smart.
He's so fast.
Well, he's two.
Not that fast.
You're full of shit.
Your kid's not special.
Yeah, he's over there eating dirt out of a plant pot.
Yeah, yeah.
No, that's not working.
Every parent thinks their kid's special.
Yeah.
And cute.
I'm here to tell you you're full of shit.
Dude, do you think that in the future that...
Like, do you think there's a next level of, like, UFC kind of fighting where
people are
fighting animals and stuff like that?
Or do you think that this is kind of where, as far and as brutal as it goes?
As far as brutal, we're there.
We've reached the threshold.
But the athletes will get better.
Like, you have kids now who are training in mixed martial arts.
They're not training in just jiu-jitsu or just boxing or just wrestling like
most guys
are today or, you know, from my generation.
So you're going to have actual kids who have their black belt in mixed martial
arts.
They're not just specialists.
So the sport will grow as far as the athlete.
But as far as popularity, you know, I think we've hit a cap.
I think we've hit a cap.
Do you think that the sport overall has gotten s