Name: New Digs | This Past Weekend #139
Uploaded: 2018-10-15T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Digs | This Past Weekend #139' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Digs | This Past Weekend #139' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-15. Transcript available.

New Digs | This Past Weekend #139

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza in Los
Angeles and Bronx
Born Pizza in Bend, Oregon. Gray Block and Bronx Born. Get them. What's up you
little
arthropods, huh? What is an arthropod? I think it's a, um, like a, you know,
like a daddy,
daddy, daddy long legs, you know, like a, um, yeah, like a daddy long legs. Isn't
that
a crazy name for a little, um, you know, a, um, a cricketer, you know, an
insect? A daddy
long legs. A daddy long legs. Think about that. Kind of a pervy name, isn't it?
Oh, look at
that daddy long legs, huh? When you think about that. Yeah, man. Welcome to
this past weekend.
Let's go.
Oh.
She was hotter than the blacktop. Broke down at a truck stop. She looked
about as wild as the story she told. Said she was a Christian saving souls in
Savannah and
the Lord was sending her to Alabama.
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what's up what's up pup that's uh that is alabama by bishop gunn and you can
see me you know
actually you know i'm not i'm not even humble bragging i'm just straight uh
telling you that
you can see me in their video um they let me be an actor in their video an
actor and an actor is
somebody that impersonates things that are that somebody else made up which is
bizarre really but
they let me do it and it was fun man i was out there just i mean we shot this
thing outside of
nashville and i was out there battling the dark arts boy every time i turned
around there was
something something lecherous and deviant you know just one of the devil's uh
tentacles had just
reached out from the depths from the fiery dusty dirty chocolate you know starfish
sniffing depths
of of existence and come up and just try and just just suck on my tongue you
know that was a crazy
uh that's and that's what happened there and they would try to come and get me
and just lure me back
in lure me back into the devil's billfold you know just lure me right back into
into into in the
hades uh but crack you know but crack and that's what it's about man it's me
battling the dark arts
and bishop gunn gave me an opportunity to be in a video and it was a lot of fun
you know so you can go check that out and the link will be on our youtube and
support their song
uh alabama uh if you're on the youtube i'm in the new uh we got a new set we
got a new set
and man you know it's funny like it is exciting man they got we got people have
sent us all kind
of stuff we have uh jocko willink's book in here we got the unruly bastards
game we got ridge wallet
um it's all wood in the back and this is you know wood was recovered from i
think a ship or a navy ship
or something or you know or just local wood or something four by sixes or
something 60s and they
got jordan peterson book a pumpkin right there one of mother nature's fucking
dirty little you know
gonads right there one of those orange little party poppers that she floats out
this time of year
and isn't it kind of crazy that think about this mother nature
at this time of year makes orange vegetables for fun
isn't that amazing isn't that just some you know what she's just like you know
what
i've been doing regular fruits and vegetables all year it's october i'm gonna
make a couple of
these fucking beautiful spicy little you know little uh naranja orange knickknacks
these round you know these round little vestibules
and that's amazing that she does that and she does it every year
and she remembers that that mother nature has that that she's that acute
that's isn't that fascinating think about how acute nature is man just one
thing to the next keep it
going you know time to make this time to start a waterfall time to keep churning
the quicksand
you know oh don't forget uh these birds got to be born here they go hatch them
up time for the orange
vegetables think about think about what mother nature does and what a powerful
woman that is
and the upkeep and she shows up year after year it's another thing that's
fascinating mother nature
shows up year after year and she's constantly here for us that's really pretty
beautiful when you think
about it that mother nature is here for us
it's really really beautiful and the rest of this you can see i got my nieces
and nephews up there
i've got five nieces and nephews their names are jc renee uh zephy
stella max and madison and i got a picture of them up there and we got
everything a lot of gifts
people have brought us uh george carlin we got that worm rod that showed up
last week
we got that noah syndagar that autograph ball in here what else we got the ham
that my boy gave me
over there outside of nashville we got that gray block pizza advertisement
right there uh we got these
piedmont candles we got a lot of nice things that have come in here and so i'm
just letting you know
from time to time things will change on the on the shelf behind me and uh don't
get upset if you
sense something and it's there and then it's not it's just the way life is
things change you know
you know sometimes mother nature makes orange vegetables and then sometimes she
doesn't
and that's okay you know that's okay things change
oh what's going on with me this weekend i didn't do that much you know i was
really excited our producer
nick uh you know showed up yesterday and got this got this bad boy installed
we uh what else is going on you know i was feeling honestly like a little bit
down in the ds last week
and so i'm trying to climb out of that you know i've been really struggling
with smoking cigarettes
to be honest with you and every time i do that they take me away from
you know i don't enjoy it so they take me away from happiness every time i do
it i'm just feeling bad
about myself so it's not even something that i enjoy anymore you know uh so i
you know uh it'll be okay
i just gotta you know i don't like that they make me feel just downtrodden that's
what they make me feel
like what else is happening you know everybody's talking about the movie a star
is born i want to go see that
uh not too much else but i'm so excited to have this new studio and i and i
have on a nice shirt
and you'll see that if you are able to see this on the youtube you can see i
have on a really
i mean this is custom knit this is knitted or you know expertly done or
something like that
i got this shirt and a shirt is a place where your body can hide you know
because at some point in time
you know people said hey we're tired of looking at your tits or your chest or
your back
or your navel i bet that's what a lot of it was because you know people's navels
bro if they don't
take care of their navels your navels start stinking bro and you know that i
used to date a girl and she
had i mean she had i'll say this she was beautiful lady okay she had beautiful
nice head nice um arms
you know torso nice you know her skeleton you couldn't see her skeleton but it
seemed like it was
nice because of the you know the accoutrements that were on it the muscle and
tendons and skin
but she had a i mean her navel smelled like somebody had just been hiding just
little
just little pieces of olives in there i mean her navel just i mean it smelled
like somebody had just
been just been making just dirty cotton candy down in there you know cotton
candy that didn't have any
cotton in it and it just had candy and just uh you know different you know just
different types of
booty sense and her navel man i couldn't so it was just crazy like i instead of
like if we were making
out or being you know getting if she and i were being you know making out or
getting kind of you know
sensually authentic uh i would try to cover her navel up with one hand and so
it's hard to really
you know it's hard to you know you know maneuver well on a woman's body when
you just got one you just
got one hand and i and i'm right-handed so i would cover her navel up with my
right hand
so that means i'm feeling around her body and touching her and trying to you
know do romance
type of touch with my left hand which is not my this is my secondary hand you
know i'll only i'll
only shake hands with my left hand if say if i've been in a fire or if you know
my right hand is stuck
in a you know in a car door or something like that that's the only time i would
ever shake hands
with my left hand or you know if somebody else is already shaking my right hand
and i want to keep
shaking hands at the same time because i you know i want to you know cut
corners and i don't want to
you know i don't want to you know i want to be efficient then i would that's
the only time i shake
hands with my left hand but but so when i'm when i remember when i was making
out with that girl
i would have to put my you know i could if that because if that scent hit me
out of that navel
that navel she had that little i mean it was just a little it was just a call
it you know had caught
it was just a little just cauldron it was almost like a front kind of little
booty you know
you know uh it was like a you know kind of like a booty but didn't go very deep
and it just was poorly scented and so i covered up with one of my hands and i
would try to feel her
body and touch her and be natural with her and massage her neck and stuff with
my secondary hand
my left hand and and it was hard man you know i've never been blind or anything
like that but
i've had to do that which is where you cover somebody's navel because of the
stench and you try to
touch them and be natural with your secondary hand and that is very hard to do
it's very very hard
to do um it's kind of like you know that game where they'll say like you know
touch your head
and turn your arm you know spin your hand and put one hand on your stomach and
move it at the same
time that little game they do it's kind of like that but while you're erect and
wanting to be sensual
and that's what's kind of different about it but but yeah it's just you know i
don't even know what
i was talking about oh uh nope nothing but yeah it's just that time of year you
know it's that time
of year where uh you know where you gotta uh nope i still know what i was
talking about well i'll just
say this man mother nature is a real fancy lady she's a real fancy lady and i
love a lot of what she does
and so i'm grateful to be here on uh on her big ball bag here planet earth but
i uh what's been
going on man i've been thinking a lot about the future honestly you know i've
been thinking a lot
about the future and i'm a little bit scared i don't know if i'm scared but i'm
just like well
wonder what the future is going to be like like is it going to keep getting
more automated
that you know that they're not going to need us like somebody said the other
day they're like uh i heard
anyway someone say that um they think we've bought our last car like the car
you've bought most recently
will be the last one that you'll buy that after you know that in the coming
years it'll all be like
shared cars where everybody's ubering or you know using something you know like
a shared it'll be like a
shared vehicle and i was like wow that's pretty wild like imagine you know not
having a car anymore
imagine you go outside of your house and you just have to stand there because
there's no car
just kind of you know is that the future what the future is going to be like
and if everybody's
going to keep cooking food or will it just be like things are delivered like
smoothies
i feel like everybody's just starting to drink smoothies man
dude i had a dream the other night right four people in my dream w