Name: Make a Choice | This Past Weekend #141
Uploaded: 2018-10-22T13:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Make a Choice | This Past Weekend #141' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Make a Choice | This Past Weekend #141' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available.

Make a Choice | This Past Weekend #141

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Gray Block Pizza, get that.
Get her.
Today's episode is brought to you by Skillshare.
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Also, next week, we'll have a Halloween episode, and you can send pictures of
your costumes.
So I can, I guess I'll roast them maybe, or just, I don't know, look at them,
just whatever.
You can email them to producer at TheoVaughn.com, and that's for next week's
episode, pictures of your Halloween costumes.
What's up, you little flannel-wearing spunk ponies?
How are you, huh?
You arguably adorable little muffin munchers.
You ready?
It's October.
We did it.
It's late October.
We made it this far.
How does that feel?
How does that feel?
Enjoy it.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate our lives.
Celebrate our lives.
That is Celebrate by Spencer Jacob Grau, and that is our intro music.
Happy October.
And I am, I am, I'm here.
You're here.
This is how it works out.
This is how it works out.
Made it in today, back here into the studio.
Exhausted.
I mean, I feel like my skin just wants to just, just crawl off of my body and
just go hide in just a, you know, in a, in a bedside table or in a, in a little
secret, you know, drawer or secret trap door.
I mean, my skin is just like, are you really gonna carry me around and do
something else with me?
Because I can't handle, I can't handle this.
We, we, we, uh, I just got back from Appleton.
You know, we just got back from Appleton.
I say we sometimes, you know, I don't like to feel alone.
So saying we kind of puts me in a, in a group think space in my head.
Appleton, Wisconsin.
In Wisconsin, that's, you know, that's dairy.
That's the dairy belt.
You know, you, you, uh, you'll step on, you, you, you, you'll, you'll step in
something outside and you're like, oh, what is that?
And it's just nothing.
That's a little bit of 2%.
You'll see some stray yogurt, just, you know, a chunk of yogurt just kind of
rolling down a hillside.
You, you, it's, it's, uh, it's kind of baffling.
You, you know, you'll, you'll be talking to somebody and suddenly just, you
know, some skim milk will just fall right out their mouth or a cheese curd will
just, you know, a magician will walk up and just, you know, pull a cheese curd
out from behind your ear.
And that's Wisconsin that's up there.
And that's those dairy, uh, the, that's the, the dairy people.
And they love dairy up there and they love to just, I mean, like you and I, we
probably would look at a cow and just think, oh, that's an animal.
But those people up there, they look at a cow and they'd be like, oh, look at
this motherfucker right here.
This little milk jug with hoofs.
We had, uh, so all sold out shows, all sold out shows in Appleton, Wisconsin.
And thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks for, uh, for the joining.
People, you know, a bunch of different people come out.
Fat Steve came out.
I think his name was Fat Steve or Fat Chris.
I can't remember.
Um, but this gentleman, this gentleman sent me, uh, a DM and he goes, hey man,
just letting you know.
I'm coming through Saturday night and I'm going to be the fattest fucking dude
you'll see all weekend.
And I want to give a checkmate to that man because he, he honored his word.
I mean, this guy, dude, I patted him on the back and, and then I had to tell
him I patted him on the back because he couldn't feel it.
I mean, this dude was huge and beautiful.
And he wore a big kind of bright, bright green, you know, safety green, you
know, the funny thing is when people get, and I'm not saying this to shame this
gentleman at all.
He was in a good mood about it.
And so, um, and so we can laugh with him.
And he said, look, I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to be the fattest fella
in the, you know, I'm going to be the fattest, uh, the fattest, uh, sugar hole
in the enamel.
You know, I'm going to be the fattest cavity.
And he was, and he came out with his daddy and his daddy looked, uh, you know,
like, um, somebody from, you know, the Hobbit a little bit, kind of a handsome
sort of older gentleman, you know, very Midwestern, just a smile on his face.
He had a built in smile, you know, like somebody was just kind of like, you
know, like the Lord was just kind of tickling him under his chin and they came
out and they enjoyed themselves.
And that big fella, he was wearing a bright green.
Cause if you notice sometime when people get real large, a lot of the colors
that they can wear are safety colors, bright orange, you know, you'll see some
black people.
They'll be real large and they'll wear bright orange, you know, or, you know,
Sean Dressa, she'll have bright, bright green.
And you're like, dang, what size is that?
And this, this fella was, uh, no, no different.
He came out and he had, uh, he had the, he had that safety green kind of like
emergency kind of green.
You know, if you, if, you know, if there's like police at night by the side of
the road and they have flares and stuff and something bad happened, and then
also they're wearing green vests, he had that color green.
Cause when you get past three XL and stuff like that, all the colors they put
on your safety.
Cause I think, you know, it's, uh, cause you're probably a little bit of a, of
a health risk.
I think it's certain, you know, it's certain poundages, but it was good that he
came out, man.
You know, it was good that he came out cause everybody enjoyed it, man.
I, and it was, it started to get chilly.
It snowed, it snowed one day.
So that was really awesome.
But fat Pete came out, little Nolan.
They had these dudes, uh, that like this kind of like, I don't know if they
were fraternity dudes that spit in each other's mouths at like point blank
range.
So they said it was like a, you know, a trick that they did, but I didn't see
the real, it didn't seem much, you know, like too much trickery to me.
It just seemed like a couple of dudes just spitting in each other's mouths.
You know, it seemed like something, you know, a bit of a dark art you'd find in
one of the, in the crevasses of the internet.
But yeah, little Nolan came out.
Vixie, this gal Vixie came through.
Who else?
That lady that kept crying.
There was a lady that kept crying for no, for no reason after the show.
And she had, I think she'd been, you know, drinking and eating at the same time,
which is popular.
And I, you know, when I used to really, you know, ingest booze, I would do it.
And she was drying her tears with a, with a hamburger bun.
And there's something honestly sexy about that.
When you see a lady's emotions just flowing out of her face.
And she just dabbing them bitches up with a, with a top half of a crescent roll.
Yeah, man.
Erection.
Erection town.
That's where I'm headed.
Who else?
Oh, some twins.
I met some dudes that were twins.
And I'll say this, you know, I've talked about twins before.
If you're twins, fucking fight it out.
You know, so many times you see twins, they're both living.
They're both just kind of carrying on with their existences or existence.
I, I'm not sure what the term is, but fucking fight it out.
If you're twins, fight it out.
Be, you know, obviously God wants y'all to compete.
And especially this time of year, fucking figure it out.
You know, two people enter, one person leaves.
Turn the holidays into a real, you know, into a real fiesta.
I just think that a lot of times twins these days, back in the old days, if you
saw twins,
you'd see them fist fighting.
You know, I remember you'd drive down the street and they'd see a couple of
twins over there.
Fuck, if you saw triplets, they'd have swords out in the yard.
Because people, it was more about, you know, survival of the fittest.
There's no way three of us are going to just meander around town.
Just each of us, you know, taking a eight hours, you know, an eight hour shift
at the same life each day.
No, you got to just, you got to have your own life.
So it's time to cut corners.
So I'm just saying, if you're twins, figure it out.
Figure it out.
You know, I wonder, sometimes I was in the bathroom, I noticed, I was in the
bathroom at the airport.
And I noticed that, I noticed that I get a little, this is kind of how
territorial I get.
You know, I'm not a real bad boy.
You know, I'm not that real baby cat.
And, but I was in the bathroom.
I was at the urinal and some dude was in the toilet stall.
You know, he was in one of those, you know, little duty closets, you know, and
I'm sure they have them in the women's bathroom.
I've never been in there.
But, but I've been in the men's bathroom probably six or seven thousand times.
And they have these little duty closets in there.
They have urinal, urinal by the wall.
They have individual urinals.
You can go up and pee all by yourself.
And I, you know, I'm that, I don't like dudes coming up behind me.
So I'll pull, a lot of dudes don't do this.
I'll put my, I'll drop my pants right below my butt.
So if you see me at the urinal, you're going to see my ass, you know.
And I've done that since I was a child.
And that's the way I learned to do it.
When I was young, young, you put your pants all the way to your ankles and
stand there and pee.
But, you know, then, you know, a lot of people got to perverting and, you know,
inverting on each other.
And so people now, they only pull just their wiener out.
But not me, man.
I kind of meet in the middle and I'll still pull my pants just below my ass
when I pee at the urinal.
But if you don't want to urinate and you want to do something stronger out of
your back area,
then you can go into the, in one of the, in one of these little duty closets.
You know, special areas and they got a lock on them.
You know, because people don't like to be bothered while they're trying to, you
know, be shit.
So, anyway, anyway, I'm in the urinal.
I'm at the urinal and I'm just doing number one out the front.
And some dude cleared his throat in the, in the, you know, in the little cage,
in the duty cage.
And it was kind of, you know, this is a little gross, I guess.
But, and I ended up, I just farted.
You know, I farted.
I just pushed loud air out of my butt like my butt was a horn.
And, and I noticed that I did it, like, in retaliation.
Like, this dude, like, cleared his throat, you know, like, like, and then, like,
to show territorial, I like, you know.
I was like, oh, you think you're going to, you're going to make, you're going
to clear your throat around here?
Well, I'm going to freaking, you know, I'm going to sound that butt alarm.
And I'm going to set the mood.
And so, I guess I just realized, like, and it was involuntary by me.
It was like a territorial type of thing.
So, when it comes to territory, you know, in the old days, a man, you'd fight
your, you'd fend your territory off.
You'd protect your ground at all costs and that sort of thing.
But we're not really having to do that right now in the history of the world.
And so, so now what you're doing, what I woul