Name: Show Up | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #143
Uploaded: 2018-10-29T20:45:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Show Up | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #143' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Show Up | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #143' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-29. Transcript available.

Show Up | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #143

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza, it's
exactly what it is, man. It's a pizza.
You knew that. Gray Block, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles, on the way to
the beach. Gray Block.
What's up, you little grilled artichoke heart?
Ooh, a grilled artichoke heart.
That sounds like a very Halloween-y treat.
You know, maybe a rack of lamb.
That sounds like a Halloween treat.
Dude, a lot of foods just sound like a Caesar salad.
Like they made salad out of Caesar.
Et tu, Brute, pass the Thousand Island.
Happy Halloween. Let's get into this.
Whoa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Help me...
Help me...
Help me...
Die, die, die.
You didn't pay the rent.
I've got poison ivy.
I've got poison ivy.
I've got poison ivy.
Die.
Die.
Die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.
Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
What have I done?
I'm not both done.
Die, die, die, die, die.
Y'all trying to jerk each other around for what?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
That's it.
And here we are.
And it is all Hallow's Eve or almost Hallow's Eve.
You know, it's almost Hallow's Eve.
It's coming up Halloween.
When you can take a candle, think about what you can do is you can take a
candle and put
it into a pumpkin.
And the pumpkin comes alive.
That's something special.
You know, it's, uh, it's amazing.
Something that you would think doesn't even have the ability to, you know, have
reach come
out of it.
A pumpkin, a pumpkin.
You can put eyes in it and a mouth and a nose and, and put light inside of it.
And suddenly it takes on a whole new adventure.
Because not only does that pumpkin have the ability now, but then that pumpkin
can make
some choices of its own.
And I'm happy to be here today with you.
Happy Halloween this week.
And I said, look, you know, I'm celebrating this.
You know, I've already taken my heart out and put a, uh, a raven in there.
So, you know, I'm running on that Edgar Allen Poe.
I got that cage, I got that cage, uh, that, um, you know, I got that, that caged
crow.
And that's what I'm clucking around with this week.
I love Halloween.
I love it.
You know, I love that you can just, I mean, you can just kind of, you can feel
it open.
You can feel the, you know, this is the, this, that one, that one time of year
where they
leave the, the gate to the graveyard open and we can come and go as we want.
And the spirits from yesteryear can come back and visit us.
So you might feel something on your shoulder.
What is that?
A raindrop?
You know, is that a couple of raindrops just tapped me on the shoulder?
Is that a, um, you know, some bird duty that, you know, hit me, you know,
repeatedly a couple
of different bird duties that hit me?
No.
Maybe that's a skeleton just tap, tap, tap, tapping his three fingers on your
shoulder.
Cause he's got a secret from the past to tell you.
So you got to keep your spirit open.
We got to keep our spirits open, man.
I want my spirit to be open because you know that there's, look, there's
secrets flying
through the air year round, year round, but we don't, we don't pay attention.
But this is that time of year, you know, El Dia de los Muertos, the day of the
dead.
When we stop and we listen, is that the breeze?
I don't think so.
That's my great, great, great, great grandmother bitching about something from
a long time ago.
That's Halloween.
Hear people complain from so long ago.
That's one of the gifts of right now.
One of the things that can happen.
You know, when you can take something that's not working or that's not even
capable, you
know, it's kind of like the autumn, you know, this time of year, I love the
fall too, because
it's refreshing, you know, it's kind of like a Shasta.
I don't know if you ever had that Shasta soda.
You know, when I was young, we used to have, you know, different people had
different sodas.
They had Pepsi, they had orange crush, had a picture of an orange circle slice
on it.
What else did they have?
Mountain Dew.
And then they had Shasta.
And Shasta was, I think, this shit was maybe a dime a can.
You know what I'm saying?
You could drink one.
You could, you know, fucking throw one out on the interstate.
You could do whatever you wanted with them.
They weren't, it was like, for 10 cents, you either got something to drink or
something to throw that was really hard.
You could play football.
You could, you know, paint it brown and play football with it.
We used to do that sometimes.
And then sometimes somebody would get hit so hard, the can would bust.
And that was just that one fumble.
And the whole game was over.
Because it was just a 12 ounce can.
But yeah, that Shasta was just basically very minimal soda.
And, but that's what this time of year, but it was refreshing.
Shasta was so refreshing.
That's what I remember about it.
And you pour that Shasta in your throat and it would kind of, you know, it
would kind of burn your throat.
And it had a flavor.
It was like raspberry or butterscotch or some crazy, sometimes the flavors were,
you're like, is this a flavor really?
Menthol.
You're like, I don't know if that's supposed to be a soda, but you would drink
it all.
That Shasta.
And sometimes you couldn't even, it wasn't even, didn't even have a flavor.
It would just burn your throat so bad and then you would just be so grateful
that the burn went away that you'd be like, oh, the soda's good.
Because finally the burn of the soda would go away from your throat and you'd
be like, oh, thank God.
And it left you with a feeling of like you overcame something.
It was really just like a 12 ounce count of, of challenge and adversity.
And that was Shasta soda.
But I love that this time of year is refreshing.
You know, it's a time of year where you could take a, you know, things start to
slow down a little bit.
Even in California, California, you know, in Los Angeles, one of the problems
that we have here is, and I know I'm constantly naming many of them.
But one of them, besides traffic and a lack of community, and I'm talking about
in the city.
You get out in the suburbs, man, things are a little bit more regular.
But you get here in the city, man, it's just, there's a lot of greed and
loneliness that's overcome people.
And, but one of the things that I, to me, one of the things that, that this
time of year allows is for you to, to start something new, to take a lot, you
know, even here it slows down a little bit because the season starts changing.
It gets a little colder here in Los Angeles.
So suddenly you, you know, you get a little like, oh, it makes you look around
for a second because you get so caught up in being in the sunny days here.
Man, I get so caught up in being in the sunny days here that I don't know, the
year just all runs together.
And every day there's like some, you know, there's a couple of vagrants running
around dressed up like Santa, you know, pissing in a park and stuff like that.
And, you know, hiding bottles of urine and stuff from each other and playing,
you know, hide and go sip.
They're running around just drinking each other's urine.
And that's in the park right by my house, dude.
Duck, duck, piss, bro.
A bunch of people out there playing games, dirty games with different urine.
And some of them selling dirty urine and clean urine in the park by me trying
to, you know, people trying to pass drug tests, people trying to fail drug
tests, people just trying to get their thirst quenched.
You know, there's a lot.
I mean, if you put your ear up to the wind at night in my neighborhood, you
could hear, you know, a lot of just dirty gallons being passed between hands.
But, but this time of year, even in Los Angeles, the, the, it gets a little
windy and it gets a little cool and the seasons come in and you just kind of
get a second to like breathe, I feel like, and to look at what's going on
around you.
And, and you can take something old and you can put a, you can put a light in
it.
You can kind of, you know, see how something has fared you for this past year.
You know, I've been doing this.
Has this been good?
You know, I've been eating, you know, I mean, I, you know, I, I dated a girl,
you know, she'll wake up in the middle of the night and get a bunch of Skittles
and do, you know, do Skittles in the middle of the night.
You know, crawl back in, you know, crawl back in a bed and she got a mouth full
of, you know, those little rainbow flavor crumbs.
Those, you know, them little, you know, look like a little couple of rabbit
duties.
Those, you know, rainbow rabbit duty hitters, them sugar hitters.
And she got a jaw full of them and she go back to sleep with a mouth full of Skittles.
And now she, but, and she could handle it because women are organized and women
can be very organized.
And now I'm laying here on choke watch, making sure she don't choke all night.
But what I'm saying is that this is the time of year where you can take
something old, but you could, maybe you look at that.
Have I been putting Skittles in my mouth and going to bed?
Maybe that's not serving me anymore.
Maybe it's time to let that go and let that be a ghost.
Or you could take something like, oh, I've been thinking about this, but I
haven't really been doing it.
And now you could take action and do that.
You know, now you could find something that's a pumpkin.
It's good.
It's nice.
It will make a nice kind of veggie casserole.
But if you spend a little more time with it and you hollow it out and put some
eyes in it and draw a snout on it and cut a little mouth into it.
And you put a little bit of light in it, a little bit of time, a little bit of
effort.
And now you've got something that you're going to use to haunt the rest of your
year.
You've got something that you've taken that isn't, it's not perfect yet.
You know, maybe you've got some construction paper sitting around on the table
and a little bit of tape.
And you've been thinking, oh, you know, I'm going to make a, um, I'm going to
make an origami lantern.
And you, but you haven't been, but now's the time.
Take a little time, slow things down, put some light into something, put some
light into a family member, put some light into a friend, you know, and watch
it and watch it grow into something beautiful.
That's going to help keep you warm and keep you excited.
Some new adventure that's going to carry you on into these winter months.
A little bit more of that tune, here it was.
And that was Vampires Suck.
And that's by Jean Bjork.
And you can find that out there in the ether somewhere.
And that's just some haunting music.
Just something to keep you tempted and something to keep you twisted.
And just remind you that this is a week to have fun.
This is a week when you, you, if you want men, Halloween is a great time to
tickle somebody.
And tickling, we should enjoy tickling before they outlaw it.
You know, they got a lot of these snarky, you know, angry people that just
write articles and stuff all day.
And most of them are just on Twitter, angry, sad.
They're probably going to start outlawing tickling.
Say you, they say you're trying to molest people's bones through their skin.
Bitch, I'm tickling somebody.
Okay, I'm not doing whatever you're saying.
I'm tickling.
All right?
I'm bringing these, I'm bringing these, these phalanges.
And trying to get them gigalanges out of somebody.
You know, I'm trying to play those ribs, man.
When I grew up, actually, they had a lady in our neighborhood.
And she was a rib reader.
And she was a mystic.
And for maybe 40 cents, she'd read your ribs, you know.
Just run her fingers up along your, down, up and down the sides of your ribs
for maybe about,
probably about six or seven minutes, bruh.
And kind of tell you your future.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool that she could do that, you know.
And she also did hair.
You know, and her real n