Name: Nutvember | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #145
Uploaded: 2018-11-05T17:52:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nutvember | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #145' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nutvember | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #145' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-05. Transcript available.

Nutvember | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #145

Dude, I'm sitting here trying to have plans for the episode.
Plans.
You think about that, you're showing up.
You know, I can't show up at life with plans.
That is just trouble waiting to happen.
You're bringing plans to a life fight?
Dude, life makes the plans.
You show up with too much plans,
you're going to be disappointed every time.
You know, I got to stay in that flow.
I got to stay on that flow, Cain, baby.
You feel me?
Just, you know, just let the Lord snort me as he shall.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Yeah.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been blown.
Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves
I must be calling a stone.
Come on.
Get with me.
Come on.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones.
We can get the words wrong.
It's okay.
But it's going to take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself on mine.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
And I will sing it just for you.
I will sing it just for you.
I will sing it just for you.
I will sing it just for you.
Wow.
Wow.
Man.
You know what?
I'm grateful they let me use that song.
That's, uh...
I'm taking the headphones off on this one for now.
That is Bishop Gunn.
And that is their hit single, Shine.
And, uh...
Man.
Shine your light on me.
And that's what I need sometimes.
Just that warm...
Man, that light feels warm, doesn't it?
You got to stay in the warmth.
You got to stay in the light.
You got to be a little light, uh...
You know, a little lighter pillar.
You got to go crawling in the bright parts of the world.
You got to be a little lighter pillar.
And you got to go crawling into the bright parts of the world.
And look, man.
That shine will hit you.
It's going to, you know, it's going to literally brush off on us
if we crawl in the light parts of the world.
Oh, man.
Good to be here with you guys today.
Thank you guys for joining me.
It is...
It is, uh...
November 5th in the year 2018.
Can you do 2018?
We are living in the future.
This is somebody's future.
You realize that?
This is somebody's straight up just, you know, their brain outer space.
They couldn't fathom 2018.
And here we are.
Here we are living in it.
And, you know, kind of enjoying it.
And also, complaining about a lot of shit.
This episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza.
It's at 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block.
Get that heater, baby.
And they got different types of pies in here.
And they got some really choice pies.
They got the Grecian.
The Grecian.
Grecian.
They got the deep cheese.
The Frenchie.
The Venice.
And Venice have spinach.
Sun-dried tomato.
With Fiesta and mozzarella cheese.
On a tomato sauce, boy.
And so, you know, they trying to really.
If they giving you the tomato and the tomato sauce, man, you know.
Because you got to perv a little to squeeze that tomato out.
And leave a little bit of his own, you know, squired out on your delectables
there.
So, that's beautiful by them.
And that's Gray Block Pizza in Los Angeles.
And that's our charter sponsor.
Been with us since, not day one, but probably day 200.
Happy November.
I just got back from Buffalo.
That B-Lo, baby.
And Buffalo, man, it is.
You know, it's a.
You know, Buffalo is that resilient city.
You know, and they want to.
You know, sometimes, like, people want to talk about these cities.
They fell apart and they don't have anything left.
These Midwestern cities.
And Buffalo says, you know what?
Enough-a-lo, bruh.
We're coming back.
We got, we got, we got virility, bruh.
We still got a little bit of, you know, we still got a little bit of nut in our,
in our nuts, in our nuts, in our nuts bag.
We still got a little bit of nut, you know, that ba-bam.
And that's Buffalo.
You know, you see people walking around.
You see a guy walking around there.
He got a chainsaw with him.
And he ready to work.
You know, sometime you used to see maybe a dude, he might have a crack, you
know, a little bit of a cracked pipe or like a, you know, a little empty bassinet.
And he, and he looking for his son or he looking for somebody's child, a small
child to put in the bassinet.
But, um, now you see a man walking around.
He got a chainsaw, you know, or he got a, um, you know, he got an, uh, an idea
for a new app, a new, uh, mobile app.
And that's Buffalo, man, a resilient city.
They got a lot of call centers out there.
They got a lot of, uh, you know, they got, you know, they're really bouncing
back in a lot of ways.
And they, they, but also, you know, they have, um, you know, it's for a lot of
kids like to play, uh, you know, hockey.
It's a, it's a hockey place.
So it's become a real mecca for these like specific hockey hotels and these, um,
junior leagues for hockey.
If you didn't know that about Buffalo and they will, you can get hockey ish up
there and hockey is a sport, you know, hockey is for people that are, that want
to fist fight, but also it's like boxing, but people that are kind of want to
be kind of at least a little bit nice about it.
You know, like let's, you know, I don't want to punch you in the face, but I
will fucking hit you with this stick.
Um, and that's hockey and, and it's, you know, it's very respectable hockey.
They do it outdoors on frozen water.
A lot of sports, they come inside where it's nice and warm and stuff like that.
Hockey doesn't do that.
You know, hockey doesn't want to break the furniture or nothing like that.
Hockey wants to, uh, hockey wants to, hockey will be outdoors and say, Hey, you
know,
we're not going to fuck up the coffee table.
We're going to, you know, we'll beat each other outdoors on this frozen water.
And it's really risky.
It's almost a little bit sensual.
If you like real, you know, ice cold sensuality, then that could be hockey for
you.
Uh, but I had a nice time in Buffalo, man.
Good people, good people came out to the show.
We had, you know, uh, this dude, this dude, little Edward came out and he had
something's
wrong with him.
You know, he very distant, bro.
And he reminded me of this kid when I was growing up, actually, they had a boy
in my town.
Uh, and it was this little black guy, honestly, man.
And he was small, you know, he was probably anywhere from three to five and a
half feet.
And, uh, and I think, I don't even know what his name was, bro.
You couldn't really get his name out of him.
You know, you kind of had, but you had, you couldn't get, cause here's why you
couldn't
get his attention and he seemed really distant and you had to tap him on the
shoulder four
or five times, you know, and we called him a little distant daddy and he seemed,
you know,
he just, you almost had to wake him up like he was sleeping inside of himself.
You know, it would have been really good if the Lord would have put like a
little doorbell
on his shoulder and you could, you know, press it.
And then he'd go get himself and bring himself to the forefront of his own
existence because
that's how it was trying to get him, you know, a little distant daddy couldn't
get his attention
and you could do fireworks in front of his face or do a, um, and we wouldn't do
that.
I'm just saying you could do that as a, you know, you could put a couple of,
you know,
you know, couple, you could put a fox in heat right out in front of him.
And if a fox is in heat, I don't know if you've ever seen a fox in heat, but a
lot of
animals try to come fuck a fox, bro.
Cause in the animal kingdom of fox, you know, a fox is like the Pamela Anderson
of animals.
You know, every animal try to come fuck a fox.
They got, you know, birds will fly down.
You know, you'll see a damn nightingale come down with an erection, bro.
Trying to just park that thing into the back of a fox because everything wants
to fuck a fox.
People don't know that.
And these are things that they don't teach us.
And that sometime, you know, a long ago, they used to teach children
appropriate shit they
could use in the world.
And now what are they teaching them, huh?
How to, uh, just be egomaniacs.
How to think they know it all.
We need to teach children good stuff.
And some of the things they used to teach us was a fox in heat.
That's everybody's treat.
Dude, they'd have animals.
You see a zebra, bro.
Trying to, you see a zebra fucking, you know.
He'll paint a horse or paint a donkey to, you know, to, to do his job for the
day.
And he'll slip out of his own cage and try to go fuck a fox that's in heat.
And that's just the beauty of a, you know, a fox have that, is that beautiful
of an animal.
And I've eaten fox, man.
I was talking to Jamie, uh, I was talking to Jamie Kennedy today in the airport.
I saw him, dude.
I love seeing Jamie Kennedy, man.
He makes me laugh.
He makes me, um, you know, he, I can tell that he likes me and he appreciates
me and he
respects me and so it makes me feel, you know, he makes me feel like cared
about.
And, uh, you know, so I like talking to him and I like, I just trust being
around him.
Some people, you know, I spent a lot of my life over the years when I think
about it,
especially being young in conversations with people that I didn't really even
trust really.
Just because I wanted their approval, you know?
Um, and man, I wish I wouldn't have done that.
You know, I think I did it because I didn't, uh, you know, I felt inferior or I
felt, you
know, I needed somebody's approval or something to feel okay, you know?
And I would just listen and just bullshit out of idiots, you know, or people
that I was
afraid of.
I listened, you know, I just fear listening.
You ever listen out of sheer fear?
You're just like, oh, I'm so fucking scared.
I'm going to hear everything.
I used to be that nervous kind of child, you know, like that, that little
nervous bad boy
like that, you know, or good boy, really, you know, just living through hell,
man, but
listening for heaven, you know?
Uh, but I hate it, you know, I wish I wouldn't have done that.
And now it's nice to be able to, in my time these days as an adult to just
acknowledging
my instincts, man, this person makes me feel good, you know, they might not be,
uh, you
know, they might not be, um, everybody's cup of tea or whatever, but it doesn't
matter.
They make me feel good.
And so I'm going to be around them and talk with them and I'm going to reverberate
that
same vibe, you know, cause I'm that fucking bloomerang, dog.
If you're throwing out some beautiful blooms at me, man, you're giving me that
blooming
energy, that blooming onion, dude.
And I ain't talking about genitalia.
I'm talking about, you know, heart and pure emotion, bro.
Top four organs that I think out of somebody's body first before I think about
genitalia.
One, um, heart.
Two, brain.
Brain right there second.
Boy, you better get your fucking, you better get that heart first, bro.
You know what I'm saying?
You better get that, that, that feeling brain.
That's what I want first.
That, that, that, that thicker ticker, man.
That's a heart.
Your brain is just a computer.
We got too many computers in the world.
So I go brain, uh, heart.
I go heart, brain.
What else?
Maybe liver.
Cause kidneys are confusing.
There's two of them.
What the fuck are y'all doing, bro?
You know what I'm saying?
Figure it out.
You expect us to figure out who's who, who's who, what, what?
Figure your shit out.
Make one kidney.
The fourth organ, um, uh, lungs.
I respect the lungs because they're teamwork organs.
They're team workers.
Lungs need each other.
They work together.
You know, they're like, um, you know, they're like the Iditarod dogs of the
human body.
You know, Iditarod dogs, if they're not happy, if they don't have a teammate, a
partner up there,
you don't see somebody running, doing the Iditarod.
And the Iditarod is an Alaskan, uh, it's basically a way to 