Name: Eddie Bravo 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #148
Uploaded: 2018-11-15T14:15:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eddie Bravo 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #148' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eddie Bravo 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #148' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-15. Transcript available.

Eddie Bravo 2 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #148

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Today's episode is, I mean, it's a special type of man.
You know, every now and then you run into a real sensei, if you will.
And this man is that.
You know, he's kind of that, you know, he's kind of that, you know, a little
bit of that kind of Latino-Vietnamese sort of male Rapunzel.
You know, I mean, he's just up and down the walls, you know.
And he's a really talented man.
He's the first two-time guest that we've had here on this past weekend.
And there was some contention.
The episode, we didn't get it out.
And then, like, the files kind of disappeared.
And they finally popped back up.
And so, you know, I'm not saying any, I'm, look into it.
That's all I'm saying.
But here we are, happy to have him the second time.
And happy to, at last, get this episode out here on this past weekend.
Mr. Eddie.
Bravo.
Dude, you're drinking an energy drink?
I just woke up.
Yeah, but still, dude.
Why?
I feel like you, I can't even imagine when you wake up, it must be like, is it
intense?
What does it feel like?
Because you seem like, it seems, because I feel like some people wake up and
they're like.
No way.
No.
And I feel like you.
I have to drag my ass.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
I feel like you would wake up standing up already.
Like, honestly, man.
No, man.
I wish.
I wish.
Did you ever?
I wish I was one of the, no, man.
I've always been a horrible morning person.
Yeah?
Horrible.
Now, what, whenever you were a kid, like, what was it like?
Did your mom, like, did you guys, did you share a room with her brother or
something?
What was it like when you were a kid and you woke up?
Oh, my God.
Would your mom come in and be like, time for school?
Like, what was that like?
Well, man, growing up, between five and ten, I got up early and got the fuck to
school
as quickly as possible, because I had a stepdad living with us.
He wasn't cool?
No, no, no, no, no.
He wasn't cool at all, because he was my stepdad, but he was my older brother
and younger
sister's real dad.
Oh, wow.
Older brother.
So my mom married Alfonso Bravo, had my brother, Alfonso Jr., they divorced.
Right.
Mom's single with the kid, with my brother.
She always wanted to be a singer, so she's always out at the clubs, and she met
this club
promoter, my dad, my biological dad, who was married with five kids.
But my mom was a little hottie when she was, you know, like 18, and he, you
know, he saw
her in line, just dragged her in, gave her that VIP.
Wow.
He was like, you get that, you get that, you get that, so he was all over my
mom, and
they started dating.
He was married, it was a weird situation, he got her pregnant with me, got her,
she was,
my whole family, including her, is from Santa Ana, California, Santa Ana, that's
where they
put all the Mexicans.
Right.
You know, because all the white people in the 60s, they left LA, there's too
many Mexicans.
Really?
Yep.
So they went down to Orange County, El Toro, Laguna Niguel, all that shit, Irvine,
they
were, they were escaping the Mexicans, but...
And Santa Ana's where they have a lot of cars, people do like a lot of cool
cars and stuff
out there.
Where they fucked up.
They, they thought they could escape, but where are they going to put the
people to clean
their shit?
You know what I mean?
Cut the grass and all that, so they...
Right, a lot of the service industry, they got to bring that.
Yeah, so they had to designate a city for the Mexicans, for the service.
That was Santa Ana?
And that was Santa Ana.
Wow.
So all around Santa Ana was white people, but that's where they put the Mexicans.
And that's where you guys were?
Yeah, but my mom went to downtown LA to go clubbing back in the, in the, in the
60s and
met my dad.
Then he moved her, he got her an apartment, but he was still married.
Wow.
He got her apartment, that was his little side piece on the side.
Wow.
He had a side piece that already had a kid who's pregnant.
And he was telling my mom he was going to divorce his wife.
He had five kids, but she wouldn't allow the divorce.
She thought, she was hardcore, religious, super Catholic, and thought, you know,
divorce
meant you're going to hell.
Yeah.
So she wouldn't grant him the divorce.
So then he started telling her all about it.
That was so nice of your mom, though, wasn't it?
Like, your mom's like, I don't want you to get divorced from that lady because...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not my mom.
His wife.
Oh, his wife said...
Yes, his wife wouldn't allow the divorce.
Oh, she said...
So the guy was going to marry your mother.
Yeah, my mom wanted him to get a divorce.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
And then his wife was like, no, we're not going to do that because of what
people will
think, et cetera.
And she didn't want to go to hell.
Wow.
So he couldn't get a divorce.
That's what he said.
Maybe, you know, maybe the story is a little different, but that's the story
that I got.
So he never divorced her.
So my mom eventually had my kid.
And he would tell his wife and his kids about my mom and that she's pregnant.
And when I was born, he's like, oh, I had...
He was evil.
Wow.
He was evil.
He was telling them all about it.
He brought his wife over to the apartment to see his son, me.
No.
Yeah.
How crazy is that?
And you think, was that like a control thing?
You think he did that?
He's...
It must have been a control.
Like, I want to be able to control the whole situation.
So I'm going to show the...
I'm going to have everybody meet everybody.
So then it's like, I'm the facilitator, you think?
Maybe.
Or maybe it was just to drive her insane to make her divorce.
Right.
I don't know.
I don't know what it was, but he did that.
He brought...
He's like, I just had a son.
You want to go meet him?
To his wife.
And then it was you, this crazy wild son.
Yeah.
And then, so my mom had enough.
She said, fuck this clown.
She went back to Orange County, Santa Ana, and now she got two sons.
My older brother, who's four years.
Alfonso.
Alfonso and me, with a different dad.
So she got two different...
Alfonso and Eddie, dude.
That's awesome.
Edgar.
Oh my God, bro.
So her hit, my biological father's last name is Cano.
So that was my last name.
But what ended up happening was, when my mom moved back to Santa Ana, she
started dating
Alfonso Bravo again.
Oh, wow.
The original asshole.
She went back.
She went back.
Started dating him.
I remember that shit.
And...
Were you excited at first, do you remember?
Fuck no.
Really?
Fuck no.
Oh, it's because you'd known him the whole time and knew how he was.
No, I didn't.
I didn't know him.
I just...
I just...
He was...
I didn't know him at all.
I wasn't even born.
You know?
I just heard about him.
My grandfather hated him.
Oh, yeah.
My mom's father hated him because he would beat her.
He was a dickhead.
He was an alcoholic and just a classic...
Yeah, just classic...
Egomaniac?
Wife beater.
Oh.
Classic wife beater.
And my grandfather wanted to kill him.
My grandfather liked my dad, though.
Because when my mom was dating my dad, even though he was married...
He took care of him.
My grandfather was cool.
They got along great.
You know what I mean?
And they played cards together.
And he was about 13 years older than my mom.
So he was almost like...
Right.
Yeah.
My grandfather...
My grandfather had my mom when he was like 16.
Dang.
You know what I mean?
So he really liked my dad.
He did.
Hated my stepdad.
But my mom went back with my stepdad.
And he got her pregnant.
Why did your mom do that, do you think?
You know, she was in love at one point.
And not judging her.
She was in love at one point.
And she was young.
And she gave him another chance.
He got her pregnant.
So once he got her pregnant, I was five when my sister was born.
So I have an older brother, younger sister.
Same father.
I met your sister, I think, at the comedy store, right?
Is that her?
Or the sister-in-law who works at Live Nation?
Sister-in-law.
Sister-in-law.
My sister-in-law.
So then at five, they decide to try it again.
But now here I am.
You know, I'm the kid that...
You're the middle ground.
I'm the reminder of when my mom was messing with another guy.
You know what I mean?
So he fucking hated me, man.
Eddie the reminder, bravo, dude.
That could have been your fucking name, the reminder.
He fucking hated me, man.
He fucking hated me.
I never called him dad from the age of five to ten we lived together.
It was dark.
He always looked at me like if he could, like if he could, he would fucking
murder me, man.
But you were probably ready to take him on it, too, were you?
Fuck no, I was terrified.
Really?
I tried to commit suicide.
I tried to OD on a bottle of Theragran M.
You know those vitamins?
What is that?
Those vitamins?
Yeah, I tried to OD on vitamins when I was eight.
And would you get just better?
I just fell asleep.
Damn, man.
Would you get better?
I'm just thinking like vitamins, it seemed like...
They didn't have Oxycontins back then.
Oh, thank God, huh?
You know, yeah.
Dude, what if they would have, you know?
Yeah, so...
And why were you that sad about that?
Were you like, did it make you sad or did it make you just angry?
Do you even remember like what that was like?
He was just a dick, man.
Like, this is...
All that was a setup to, did I wake up early?
Right.
Between the ages of five and ten, I woke up early to get the fuck out of Dodge.
Wow.
Because my mom, she woke up super early.
Like, she'd be gone by 5.30 to go to work.
But he didn't have to leave till about like 7, 7.30.
So it would be...
And my brother, my brother slept late.
So I would be up with him in the morning.
Yeah.
So I was just, you know, I would eat cereal and he'd be at the other side of
the table.
He would just sit there and just stare at me.
He would do shit that I couldn't report, you know what I mean?
He would just sit there and stare at me.
And then when I was done with my food, he did this shit all the time.
When I would walk to the kitchen, he would stand up and block the doorway to
the kitchen.
So then I would have to walk.
I'm a little eight-year-old kid.
I'd have to go outside the front door, walk around the side of the house, go
through the back door just to put my plate away.
But it was like normal.
And he would just have a smile on his face.
He would just...
He just did evil shit like that.
Dude, that's evil, bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, and, you know, if he had a chance to beat our ass, if he had an excuse...
Oh, man.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
Me and my brother, we would...
That makes me mad, bro.
We would steal NFL pencils when we were a kid and sell them at school for 10
cents.
Oh, those pencils were nice, too.
Remember how cool they were?
Buffalo Bills, what do you want?
Yeah.
Buffalo Bills, what do you want?
What, do you want the Raiders?
Cincinnati Bengals, what do you got?
What do you got?
I got a Cincinnati Bengals.
Oh, nobody wants Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Exactly.
Back then, hell no.
Hell no.
Nobody wanted Tampa Bay back then.
Because back then, right when they were an expansion team, like 1978.
Yeah, they were 0-16 or something.
Yeah, so we would go steal pencils and we got caught.
And my brother got caught.
I didn't get caugh