Name: Charleston Chews | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #151
Uploaded: 2018-11-26T14:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charleston Chews | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #151' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charleston Chews | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #151' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Charleston Chews | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #151

God, help me to have a new experience with this today, and sometimes I just
need to have
a new experience.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, it's that pizza that you need and that you can enjoy.
It's at 1811 Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block Pizza, get that hitter.
I'd like to announce some upcoming tour dates.
I will be in the Omaha, Nebraska at the Omaha Funny Bone, January 11th and 12th.
I will be in Irvine, California, January 18th and 19th and January 20th at the
Irvine Improv.
And I will be at the Columbus Funny Bone, February 8th and 9th in Columbus,
Ohio, and February
22nd and 23rd at the Houston Improv.
All of those tickets are on sale now, theovon.com slash tour.
Thank you guys for being here with me today.
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I did.
I did a couple of different things.
But I want to start this episode off with some music.
And this music is by a beautiful young man.
And his name is Evan Bartels.
Oh, Mother, may I open my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting right
outside.
Mother, may I raise my voice, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to
turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me.
We, the people, have that joy.
And Mother, may I raise my voice, cause there's a great big world waiting for
me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great way to turn my eyes.
Mother, may I raise my head, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to
turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes.
Mother, may I turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to
turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes,
cause there's a great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a
great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes.
Mother, may I turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to
turn my eyes, cause there's a great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes,
cause there's a great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a
great big world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world
waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to
turn my eyes.
Mother, may I turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn
my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause
there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great
world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for
me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes,
cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a
great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting
for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my
eyes.
And, and that is pretty fascinating to turn my eyes, cause there's a great
world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for
me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes,
cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a
great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting
for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my
eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's
a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes.
And that's such a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a
great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting
for me to turn my eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my
eyes, cause there's a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes, cause there's
a great world waiting for me to turn my eyes.
That inside of us, you know, that inside of us, there are like musical, you
know, I wonder if our, maybe our rib cages have like notes or something built
into them, like, you know, A S D F G B A C or whatever, you know, each rib is a
different, if you hit it with a little tongue, you might get a different out of
our rib cages.
You know, like if we have music built into us that we don't even know like it's
in, and that's why we connect sometimes with music so much.
I wonder, you know, I wonder what the future holds, what like levels of
connectivity we will find if there's like a whole nother plateau of how we
connect, you know, with music or with the world or, you know, with the
atmosphere, with sunlight, with water.
I wonder if we'll be able to find, you know, obviously they make us feel good
and they make us think those things, but I wonder if they'll be able to
scientifically, you know, really evaluate how, start to be able to quantify how
we connect with those things.
And we'll really start to be able to, you know, almost play the music that is
inside of us better because we'll be able to orchestrate it from outside of us.
Like, I wonder if there could be a musical series of tones of notes that can
cure cancer.
What if they found that one day?
What if you just listen to Jesse's girl 200 times and suddenly everything is
benign?
And I think benign is the good one.
I'm not sure if benign is the good one or not.
But that was Evan Bartles, the devil, God, and me.
And if you want to feel something and you want to have music pull something out
of you, then that's a great song to do it.
And we'll have that linked up at the top of our page on the YouTube.
Thank you guys for being here with me today.
It is late November, and it's a time of discovery.
I always found this time of year to be a real time of discovery.
And I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
And I hope it reminded you of good things and bad things and just everything.
I love this time of year.
It makes me slow down, and it makes me start to, you know, just have some
gratitude.
Today, I just really thought about gratitude.
I was reminded of it by some of the calls that came in onto the hotline, and we'll
get to some of those.
And as always, the hotline number is 985-664-9503.
I had a good Thanksgiving.
I went to Thanksgiving at Brendan Shalbs.
And Brendan Shalbs is a man.
He does a podcast.
He is a, you know, he was a wrestler or fighter, sorry, and he, professional
fighter.
And he does a podcast called The Fighter and the Kids.
And it's basically like, I think like a foster agency sort of.
And he, I don't know if he adopted, you know, it's like his make-a-wish kid is
actually more of a senior citizen.
And the man's name is Brian Callens.
And they are teammates and they're buddies.
And Brendan Shalbs had me over at his place for Thanksgiving.
And it was awesome.
And he has a beautiful little son and a beautiful little family.
And it was just nice to see.
It's nice to, you know, it's nice to be able to experience somebody in a
different element of their life.
Because it gets to give you more of a fuller picture of them, of those, of that
person.
Like when you see the post office man, sometimes you see your mailman, you see
him maybe smoking a joint over by the bowling lanes.
And you're like, damn, Mr. fucking, you know, Mr. Randall, he likes to, you
know, get blown out of his mind.
And it starts to, it gives you a better picture.
So now when your mail's late, you're not just like, oh, fuck Mr. Randall.
You're like, dang, fucking Mr. Randall probably somewhere getting blown out of
his mind.
Or copping a couple grams.
And that's why, you know, I'm not getting my Amazon paper towel rolls that I
ordered.
So we just, you know, it's interesting when you see somebody in a different,
like whenever you see the bus driver at the supermarket.
When I was young, we had a bus driver and this lady named Dot Wall.
And a lot of people aren't named Dot.
I mean, Dot's an easy name.
It's basically, it's Todd spelled backwards.
And then you take one of the D's off.
D-O-T.
And Dot Wall had nice lipstick.
And the rest of her kind of looked, she always looked like a senior citizen.
She had kind of a gray kind of tone, but beautiful lipstick.
And she smiled, man.
She smiled so big when I would see her in the morning on the school bus.
She would get, I mean, the lipstick would get on her earlobes.
That's how big she would smile.
And she would open that door.
And, you know, I saw her one time.
I saw her at the supermarket.
And I saw the things that were in her cart, in her shopping cart.
Because, look, I've never been a mystic.
You know, I've never been a, you know, a John Edwards crossing over or a, you
know, a sorcerer or done anything where you can look at somebody and guess
their life.
But if you see somebody's shopping cart at the shopping mall or at the produce
store or the supermarket, you can really predict somebody's life a little bit.
If they got a couple, you know, two cans of sardines and a pumpkin pie, you
know, it might be a brother.
You know, if they got four jars of olives and a bunch of toilet paper because
they're going to be talking shit, you know, it might be a Italian.
So, you know, you can kind of predict people based on their shopping carts.
Well, I remember seeing Dot Wall one time, the bus driver Dot Wall.
And she was at the, she was at the supermarket.
And in her cart, she just had, you know, a Kleenex.
She had a small milk.
And right there, I knew, you know, that she was, you know, she was alone.
She had a couple Lunchables and a, what else did she have?
She had a couple Lunchables and some toothpaste.
And I just knew, from her cart immediately, I knew that she lived by herself,
you know.
And it just felt kind of sad, you know.
It felt sad a little bit to see that.
It felt kind of lonesome, you know.
And in that moment, I realized why she smiled, why she was so excited on the
bus every day was because that was a little bit of her family, you know.
And it gave me a different perception when I saw Dot Wall open that bus up in
the morning.
And I would sit on that school bus and most of my life when I was young was on
the school bus because it was fun, you know.
There was other children on there and it was scary sometimes, but they had the
music playing and I would get fully erect to the music.
Just, damn, I mean, like my, like my wiener had a dang cocker spaniel in it and
it had heard something real far away.
You know, my dick was out.
I mean, my dick was really out and about on the front porch, if you know what I'm
saying.
But I loved this time of year.
I loved going to school right after Thanksgiving because everybody, it was
exciting Christmas.
What are you getting?
What are you getting?
A hatchet?
What are you getting?
Oh, my dad got us, you know, matching neck braces.
We're going to do a class action suit.
You're like, heck, yeah.
Congratulations.
What are you getting?
Somebody be like, I'm getting a, you know, I'm getting a, a, a, a flamethrower.
Like, man, fuck you, man.
You're lying.
Somebody always lying.
I'm getting a tank.
You know, I'm getting a, you know, I'm getting a, a, a pair of cement pants.
And you'd be like, fuck you.
But some people were telling the truth.
And I remember, I just remember the excitement that Christmas was coming.
I mean, if you put your ear up to the universe, you could hear Santa's sleigh
so far away.
And man, I just, I loved it.
And I remember this was the time of year, actually, the first time in my life I
ever got erection.
And when I got, dude, you remember when you got erection.
It was baffling.
And I've talked about this before.
But the first time I remember that I got erection, my, I thought it was, you
know, I thought it was, you know, poops that were in my body trying to come out
the wrong way.
Because it made sense, you know, because it's the same shape, you know, and I
was just so scared.
And I remember just squeezing, you know, doubling down with my hands on my wiener
because I had that, you know, I had that two hand wiener.
And I remember doubling, just squeezing it back into my body.
And I was like, oh.
And I 