Name: Jim Jefferies | This Past Weekend #152
Uploaded: 2018-11-29T14:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jim Jefferies | This Past Weekend #152' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jim Jefferies | This Past Weekend #152' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-29. Transcript available.

Jim Jefferies | This Past Weekend #152

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza. Gray Block Pizza. It's a
special kind of
place. Do you like that kind of place? Then you should go there. It's in Los
Angeles on the way
to the beach. 1811 Pico Boulevard. Gray Block. Get that hitter. Today's guest
is a comedian. He is a
man that I actually don't know super well. I'm happy to have him here. He's
from another continent,
I believe. I'm not sure all the different continents. He just has a lot going
on. He's
about to go on an Australian tour. He's been around the world doing stand-up.
He's achieved
many of his dreams. Now he's hosting a daily talk show here in America, even
though he isn't
from here. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Jefferies.
And how tall are you, man? Because I was just, I woke up this morning, I was
thinking
to myself, I was like, how tall is, is, you know. Well, it's a weird thing to
be thinking
about. IMDb had me at like 5'10", but I'm almost 6'1". Yeah, why do they do
that, you
think? Well, I feel like someone just took a guess at that, or maybe 5'9", they
call
me or something. I have the appearance of a short person. I'm all torso, I got
little
tiny legs. Yeah, what is that, you think? Is that like an Australian thing? I'm
a sloucher
as well. My posture's not good, but no, I'm quite tall. Yeah, quite tall. Were
you always
tall, like when you were young, or was it something that just happened? I'm the
shortest member
of my family, so out of my siblings. Yeah. My parents are quite shorter than me,
but my brother's
6'4", my brother's 6'2", or 3. And do they like you, your siblings? They do.
They like
me, but they don't like each other. Really? Yeah, they're getting better. They're
getting
better. They didn't like each other for many, many years. They didn't talk for
well over
a decade, I don't think. And do you mediate that kind of stuff? Like, are you?
It's all
through the power of stand-up. I do a show in Sydney. I'm only there for one
show. Their
friends want to get tickets, and so they all come backstage, and then that's
when they
started talking and backstage at my gigs. Really? Yeah, without my gigs, they
wouldn't
have met up again, I don't think. It would have taken a funeral. Yeah. And is
that a
popular thing in Australia? Funerals? Love them. Oh, no. Brothers don't get
along, like
a lot of... No, I think that's a popular theme across the world. I don't think
it's a distinctly
Australian thing. I think Americans have probably more family riffs in America
because you have
religion thrown into the mix. Yeah. And I'm sure that doesn't help, and this is
our Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm sure people are going off to fight with their
family or dreading
it. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, there's a lot of domestic violence and stuff like
that. I think it brings
families together in the end, you know? What, the domestic violence? Well, it
usually, like,
the violence is what kind of quells the heat. The heat is before the violence.
The friction is before
the violence. Yes, yes, yes. You need to have a little blow up. Yeah. Yeah, you
need to have a
little family. You got to have a family blow up. I fight with my family all the
time. I'm in
constant battle. Do you fight on Skype, or do you guys fight on the phone? Well,
we have to fight on
the phone because, with my parents, because they can't text or anything, you
know? But, like, for
instance, I'm about to tour Australia, and my brother, the whole reason behind
this Australian
tour is because my brother's getting married, so I'm going out for his wedding,
and I agreed to fly
my father across the country business class so he could come to the wedding.
Wow. And so,
from Sydney to Perth, which I, because I was doing the tour, I could have
gotten it in the,
Qantas is, like, helping us out with the tour and something. I could have, I
could have gotten
him a good rate, and I kept on saying, don't worry, Dad, you just have to show
up to the
airport, and the ticket will be there. Yeah. Don't worry about it. And then he
started
to panic, started to panic, and three weeks ago, now the wedding's not until
another two
weeks from now, three weeks ago, at the fear that the flight would be sold out,
he
went and bought a ticket. Wow. On the airline that I'm on. And so, I had a big
fight with
him. I'm like, I was getting you the ticket. He goes, well, you could just pay
for the
upgrade. Now I'm paying for an upgrade. Right. That was more expensive than the,
so it's
just, you know, old people. Where does that come from? Old people do that kind
of stuff.
They want to be sure. Like, my stepdad will get to the airport. He'll take my
mom to the
airport two hours before. Yeah. And they live in a small city, you know? Three
hours
international. Yeah, it's crazy. Three hours international. That's right. What
is that? Because they
listen to when the government tells a shit and the government goes, okay,
because you now
have to get there three hours before in case there's a holdup. It's only an
hour. You have
to get there an hour before. I dated an attractive woman who she wouldn't go
until like 20 minutes
before. And I was always told I couldn't get on the planes if I wasn't there
like 50 minutes
before. Yeah. And she'd always still get her luggage put through and everything.
It was
bizarre to see. Chicks get there. Yeah. Bizarre to see. But my dad had to have,
and he
couldn't fathom the idea that he just showed up with his license. You had to
have the paper
ticket. Oh, yeah. And so he went to a travel agent. Can you imagine? Can't even.
Going
and sitting in a booth with a person going. With a bell on the door probably.
Yeah, where
you go, you go, I'd like to go on holiday. Ah, well, here's some ideas. You
could do this
or that. Imagine, like how, that only exists, that job only exists because of
the elderly.
Yeah. Because they can't fathom another way to do it. But like, it's even more
work
than doing it yourself. Oh, dude. It's, yeah. Having the, I mean, look, the
elderly are a
whole, it's a dirty business what people do to the elderly. You know? Where
they still
keep them attached. Selling them gold, like, you know. Oh, yeah. Do they do
that in your
country too? Yeah, a lot of gold. There's a lot of reverse mortgages. Oh. Reverse
mortgages
are good where they sort of go. Fire safety. They start going, oh, it's not,
the kids don't
need the house. Yeah. You live now and your thing. And it's the fact is they
could just
sell the house. Moats. They sell them everything. They'll sell them a fucking
moat. We'll come and dig a
moat around your house. Well, I got a moat? Yeah, they sell everything. All
type of land.
Who's getting moats? Not a lot of people, but I've seen a couple. And you know
who had
them? Senior citizens, dude. It's always seniors. They got everything. They
think that the moat
will stop people from getting into their property. Stop fires. Stop, yeah, weak
burglars. Stop
people that, you know, maybe different types of animals. Think about it. Right.
So if you live
on a farm, you get a moat, then would you have a bridge that goes down? Oh, I
don't
know. I mean, that's extra. Or you have a solid bridge that's always there. I
think you'd
have a solid bridge. I mean, if you're senior citizens, you can't have them,
you know, looking
for like a button to put a bridge down in the middle of the night or in the
afternoon.
But it's great. The stuff they sell to seniors, man, everything. Special
clothing, fire. Like
the big thing now they're selling to them in America is fire resistant stuff.
Get this
fire resistant clothing, fire resistant. I got my mother a life alert necklace,
one of
those ones with the button that the ambulance comes. You've never seen my dad
more disappointed?
It was like his sentence had just had five years added to it. Like he literally
looked at
it like this. He goes, so the ambulance will always come from now on, will they?
Okay. All
right. This is what we're doing. You know, I got it. My mom's got like the
Bentley, the
Rolls Royce of walkers. I got the most expensive walkers. Oh, really? What is
it now? When you
get to those upgrades, what is it like? Well, the thing is the cheap one's like
20 bucks
and your top one's like 800. Oh, wow. But it's got like the frames lighter or
it clicks in
properly or I just said, look, what's your best one you've got? Yeah. You can't
put your
mom on a bad one. Well, I can't. I like, like I think they already put the tent.
There's
those tennis balls they put on the end of walkers. Yeah. That's sexy. That's
appeal.
Yeah. But it's got to be, someone's got to just actually make those balls. We
can't just
be cutting into tennis balls. Just make a rubber ball that goes over the end.
Yeah. The green
tennis ball, make it a nice black matte finish. But I think there's something
swaggy about it.
It's like how black guys kind of hang their pants down. You know, I think it's
kind of
that has that sort of, you know. Right. So you think that the old people are
like, yeah,
I know the tennis ball trick. Yeah. It's got the street credit kind of. Cause
otherwise there's
just rubbers on the end. Does that make it like, it means you move a bit faster
because
the tennis ball glides. Maybe the felt of the tennis balls where it's at as
well. And
the silence. I think a lot of old people don't like a lot of sounds. Yeah. You
know, probably.
And that's another thing I think they're going to start selling old people like
soundproof
areas and like soundproofing. Like, um, I mean, it's just crazy, man. Soundproofing
and moats. Yeah. That's what you reckon. I got to see one of these moat ads.
Yeah. See
if you can pull one up on a house, man. Yeah. All right. I'm down. Dude. And
this was,
this was in, uh, they, I know they had some near Birmingham when I was in
college, but see
what you pull up there. What did you study? I don't know, man. I think
electricity. Uh,
you study electricity? No, uh, communications. Home moats in America. These are
British
moats you're showing us. Yeah. These are old. These are castle moats. Everyone
knows
about them. I want to, I want to do recent. I want a 2018 moat. Residential moats.
Come
on, Nick. No. 2018 residential moat. This guy, man. You know, he was a
premature baby.
I can tell. Yeah. Do recent moats, please, Nick. There's one. Is that one? Yeah.
There's
one right there. That's Britain, man. I think that's your Google search term,
man. Recent
moats. Yeah. USA. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Like that's all you got to do.
Unbelievable. It's
hard to get good help around here. There's one. There's one. There's a moat.
They look
quite pretty. Yeah. That's an, now that's a nice one. That's a rich guy. That's
a guy
that's fucking young girl. That's the swimming. That's a swimming moat. Yeah.
What do you
have? Do you have a nice place here now? What do you, where do you keep a place?
I
got a house in suburbia. I live in suburbia now. I got a nice house. I used to
live in
the hills, but I wanted to have a place where my kid could ride his bike. And,
uh, you
know, so I, I live in the, in the flats now in the valley and, uh, near my kid's
school.
Yeah. Less than half a mile away from his mother. And so everyone's very close.
And is
that still a marriage? You still married or no? No, no, no. Yeah. We were never
married. Right. I've never been married. Did you, uh, when you go back to
Australia
for this tour, do you, does that feel like, what does that feel like? Does that
feel kind
of different than it's going on a different, like a tour in the U S? Yeah. It
feels a little
different. It's well, I'm doing, I'm doing arenas. So that's different. I do
theaters
here in America for the most part. Yeah. And, um, so I'm doing arenas, which is,
is different.
Also, I sort of, Australia was the last place for me to crack. You know, I was
working
in Britain so long and then I sort of, I cracked Britain and I cracked Canada
and then I cracked
America and then Australia was the last place. And so, you know, but I'm way
more popular
than