Name: Washington DC | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #153
Uploaded: 2018-12-03T11:33:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Washington DC | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #153' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Washington DC | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #153' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-03. Transcript available.

Washington DC | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #153

Washington, D.C., man.
In this place, if you haven't been to Washington, D.C.,
it is a, it's like Monopoly, but it's Marvin Gardens.
I mean, everywhere you turn, it is Marvin Gardens.
They have, you know, every building looks like a library.
I mean, you'll go, you know, I'm at a Subway sandwich,
and next thing you know, they're putting periodicals on my six-inch wheat.
It's a wild place, and I want to thank everybody that came out,
you know, as I usually do.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles.
And Gray Block, it's that pizza that you need.
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All right, let's get into the episode.
Let's get into the episode.
All right, let's get into the episode.
All right, let's get into the episode.
Welcome, guys.
And that is Christmas Greetings from America
by Friedrich Thalberg.
And Thalberg, I think, is,
hell, who knows what that is, man.
That's something else.
That's a real reacher.
But Greetings from America is appropriate today.
It's Christmas on its way.
You know, Santa, you can hear him in the distance
putting his boots on, you know,
using that fingernail file on his foot.
You ever get that deal, man?
I don't know if you've ever been a man
or if you are a man.
But I remember getting, you know,
my mom had fingernail files
because she had fingernails.
And sometimes when I was young,
I would get her file, you know.
You know, that was the thing, I guess.
When I was young,
like if I snuck into my parents' room,
it was just my mother.
So I got all, you know,
I'm in there, I got high heels on.
You know, I'm running.
You know, I'm putting,
I would get the file sometime,
a fingernail file,
and I'd start filing.
And you file, bro.
I filed some of my shit.
I was sharp in my elbows.
You know, I was young.
I didn't know what to do.
You know, I file anything.
I remember trying to file my ears down
and making my ears all scabbed up on the sides
because I didn't like, you know,
the size of my ears when I was young.
And then older, when I became older,
which I have and I'm trying
and I'm still doing, you know, constantly.
And because age, you know,
age is a religion that we all kind of,
we all are subscribing to.
But as I've gotten older,
I'll get that fingernail file sometime.
And there's an age for a man
when the sides of your feet start getting hard
and kind of crisping out.
It's almost like your skin gets kind of like erect
on the edges of your feet
and it wants to kind of fuck the sides of the world.
But, and you got to get a file
and you got to go to town on that.
And I remember the first time I ever did that
and you create a cloud of just dust.
It looks like salt.
And I don't think you should taste any of that
because that's not salt.
Your body doesn't make salt.
You know, that's just, that's dust.
I mean, that's dead body
that's coming off of you.
And, and I remember getting, you know,
probably I don't remember the first time I did it,
but I got that fingernail file
and started just creating that dead body cloud around you.
You just, and your feet is just smoking,
you know, that shit hits the air
and it can get thick.
When you, you know, you, you, you know,
you chiseling off that crisp.
When you, if you got that foot crisp,
you know, you chiseling that thing off.
And if you smoke,
sometimes it'll be yellow on the edge.
If you smoke a lot,
or if you take your shoes off
and let your grandparents smoke by your feet,
then it'll be real yellow sometimes on the edge,
that crisp.
And you got to chisel that off.
But, ah, I don't know what we're talking about,
but have I ever?
I don't think I have.
How are you?
Where are you today?
Thanksgiving's over.
You feeling the, you know, the holiday spirit?
Are you starting to feel it?
You know, it gets different,
the holidays as we get older.
You know, at a certain point,
it's not about,
it's interesting,
it's not about getting anymore.
You know, it really is about giving.
You know, even at Christmas,
you see, this time of year,
you just want people to be joyous
and you want people to be happy.
I feel like.
You know, I do anyway,
and I just want to try and contribute to that.
But I'm in,
I am in Los Angeles,
and,
oh no, I'm in Washington, D.C.
Sorry.
And if you can,
dude, if you can see this video
on the YouTube,
this shit looked like an ISIS video.
This,
this looked like a plea for help,
this video,
the setup we have.
But I'm grateful to Ari Manis,
who was a featuring for me this weekend
in,
in Washington, D.C.
And,
and that he helped me set this up.
You know,
he,
he offered,
it was late,
you know,
it's,
we just got back from the comedy club
from the Sunday show.
It's 10 o'clock.
And we set in this,
this up in the hotel room.
And we got to be,
we're leaving for the airport at 5 a.m.
And we're still going to edit this bad cat.
But he offered to help.
You know,
and it made me feel good,
man,
because that's,
you know,
it's just that time of year.
And I want to do that.
And I want to,
that's what I want to do.
I want to just,
you know,
I want to keep my eyes open
and try and be part of,
of,
of,
of some solutions.
And just see what I could do.
But happy holidays to you.
Whatever holiday you celebrate.
You know,
I love Christmas.
You know,
they got a little baby in the desert.
And you got to think about that,
man.
I mean,
you got to think
how much love was in the air
if three old men
went to visit a baby in the desert
and Chris Hansen wasn't there.
I mean that,
you know,
there was a different type of love
in the air at that time.
These days,
you know,
one old dude shows up to a,
you know,
a trap house in Florida
or something.
And next thing you know,
you got federal agents
and everybody.
So,
it was just a different time.
There was a lot of love
in the air.
And I think people loved more
without,
you know,
without any of the dark arts
kind of seeping in.
I think most of the love
that was in people
at those times
was above the waist.
And now some of our love,
it's like an hourglass.
And it's kind of,
you know,
that's that,
the sand is starting to,
you know,
kind of just,
the sand is starting to file,
you know,
float down towards our
crotch,
you know it.
So,
I don't want to say it too loud
because it's holidays,
but crotch.
But yeah,
man,
we were in D.C.
What did I do?
I want to thank everybody
that came out.
You know how I do it.
It was nice,
man.
We flew out
and do,
we got
first class
on the airplane.
And first class,
man,
look,
I don't get it all the time.
You know,
I've started to get it
more often
and it's new to me.
You know,
some people probably
always get first class.
You know,
Ariana Grande.
Chris D'Elia.
You know,
he got first class.
He rich.
I don't know if you know
Chris D'Elia or not
or D'Elia,
but I heard a rumor
that he was at a coffee shop
and the table was uneven
that he was sitting at
and he took $600
and put it under
the little edge
of the,
you know,
the bottom corner
of the table
to fix it
and left it there
when he left.
So,
that's wild.
And he has all kind of
bathtubs in his house
and,
you know,
somebody said
he has a bathtub
that has like a little,
you know,
like a little,
you know,
like a,
all different type of soaps,
like a little soap buffet
on the edge of it.
And that's different, man.
I'm used to,
you know,
you get one kind of soap,
you get,
you go in there
and it's like,
oh,
what kind of soap
do we have?
We got fucking soap.
That's it.
The only kind
thing they ever had
was just soap.
And Chris D'Elia,
the only,
probably has
blueberry soap.
You know,
crystal,
you know,
soap that looks like soap
but it's just crystal
and it's not even really soap,
it's actual crystal.
And,
you know,
coconut soap
or,
you know,
different type of stuff,
menthol,
different type of varieties
because he's like that.
But that's what I felt like
when I got in first class,
man.
We got up there
and Ari,
man,
as he got bumped up with me,
that lucky little fuck Tron,
he got bumped up.
So we're in,
and man,
they had to lay down bed.
Dude,
first of all,
if I'm laying down,
you know what I'm saying,
I'm putting one of my hands
in my pants
most of the time.
And that,
I don't,
and that's not a pervert thing,
that's just,
you know,
when I lay down,
I like to,
one of my hands
automatically kind of
goes into my pants.
I don't know what that is.
It must be for safety
or something.
Because a long time ago,
I don't know if you guys
have ever read
like a lot of history books
or the Bible
or,
you know,
different type of Muslim,
Muslim literature
or slim literature.
Some people say,
instead of Muslim,
a lot of people say slim.
If you've ever read
a lot of slim literature
or nature books
or even just seen,
you know,
a lot of dioramas
and stuff
from when we were children,
you know that
people were naked
a long time ago.
Clothes have only been around
for probably
240 years.
So after that,
before that,
man,
it was straight up,
you know,
it was Dick City.
You know,
no offense,
or, you know,
it was also,
you know,
Vajanistan,
but it was also
Dick City.
It was both.
And,
and so,
people were a lot
more natural then,
but it was also
very dangerous
because you had to
keep your crotch clean
because an animal
could smell your body.
you know,
one of the top four
places your body
has a scent
is in,
is your crotch.
And so,
you know,
an animal would notice that
and so you'd have to
really cover your junk,
you know,
to really,
because you don't want to,
you don't want an anteater
coming at night,
you know,
and siphoning your crotch
right off your body.
I mean,
it's,
it's not something
that people want.
So you have to
take care of yourself
and usually that's why
I think,
you know,
there's something
innate in us.
There's something
medieval and limbic
in our brains.
When we say
go to bed at night,
you cover your,
you cover your crotch
with your hand
because look,
this is my livelihood.
This is where I'm
carrying the future
of my lineage.
I'm not out here
trying to fucking,
you know,
feed a hyena
in the middle of the night
who's got a strong nose
on him
and next thing you know,
he's not,
he's noshing
on my crotch.
He's,
you know,
he's just trying
to have a snack
while I'm trying
to rest.
Come on.
So that's nature,
some of that
to cover your body
while you sleep.
But it was nice
the first class,
man,
it was really,
really,
really nice.
And,
and yeah,
and you can lay down
and they,
at one point
they brought
a warm cookie.
They had a lady,
her name I think,
I couldn't even
pronounce it.
She was like
every ethnicity,
Cherbaca or something
or Cher,
you know,
Thumbelina,
I don't know
what her name was.
Pretty beautiful,
I think,
I don't know.
It's dark up there
in first class.
You get in a coach
and middle,
they butt,
you know,
they t