Name: Attachment Theory | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #155
Uploaded: 2018-12-11T03:21:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Attachment Theory | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #155' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Attachment Theory | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #155' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-11. Transcript available.

Attachment Theory | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #155

today's episode is brought to you by gray block pizza gray block pizza is a fanatical
or fantastic that's what i meant i picked the wrong f it's a fanat uh fantastical
there we go
let's teamwork baby it's a fantastical pizza place pizza is something that's
round but people
cut it in a different shape to enjoy it and just knowing the fact that
something goes through two
different shapes before it hits your mouth i mean that's it's a real shape-shifting
type of treat
and that is gray block pizza thank you guys for being uh here with me today i
got this
you hear that i got a sack of bells from home somebody sent me this
you know when i was growing up we grew up by uh larsen's they had a it was
jingle bell outlet
and they made i think they had a sign out front it used to put up a counter
of how many jingle bells they'd made over the years you know and i swear to god
they probably i think at
one point it got up to you know i want to say almost 90 000 jbs had rolled out
of that joint
and and and and now it's only because they they the person putting the sign
putting the sign and
adjusting the number they just fucking gave up or they you know they were
afflicted with uh
uneducation or miseducation or bad math you know if somebody has bad math they're
kind of
they can only do so much you know somebody has bad math they you know once you
get past you know 12 or 13
items they don't know what the hell's going on but this person you know it was
like a burger king
they used to have a sign at burger king where every time they'd you know sell a
burger they'd put
another one outside you know over you know 70 000 served or whatever and larson's
this jingle bell
outlet right next to us they had uh they said i think served over 70 000 or
something or whatever
they had done and then the sign maker fucking gave up or who knows what
happened to them i mean that's a lot
of math for somebody low you know a local person to do when you get up over 70
000 and especially to
count the bells and know how many bells were made you know it's uh i mean that
man was really the
frederick douglas of our area in a lot of ways but this is a sack somebody sent
me a sack of those
beautiful old larson's bells right there and the fun thing about growing up you
know but next to the
outlet you'd be outside you know you'd fall in a hole or something outside and
next thing you'd hear
this because the hole would be filled with you know with bell with jingle bell
and so sometime you fall down you fall on a couple bells and you get a little
you think you're about
to hurt yourself but you get a little of that so it's kind of fascinating when
uh when you have that
when you have the magic of jingle bells around all types of things can occur
you know we had a um
we had a neighbor and he he uh you know he well this is a little bit sad but he
shot himself in the
face on accident and most people do there's two types of people sorry emails
open i've noticed there's
two types of people in the universe there are people that shoot themselves in
the face purposefully
and people that shoot themselves in the face on accident and um what had
happened was he was looking
in the you know a lot of families if they have christmas gifts they hide them
in the closet
and he was in there looking for them right well they had a shotgun in there and
the the shotgun was
the barrel was facing up right well a jingle bell had rolled off one of the
shelves from the christmas
gifts into that shotgun so anyhow he's in there looking for something he he
sets off the shotgun it
fires a jb right up into his cheek so he had a he had a jingle bell lodged in
his cheek as long as i
knew him and they called him tink actually and uh and decent guy i'll say this
kind of an asshole really
but the thing was uh the one redeeming quality he had about himself was every
now and then even
though he'd be pissed off at you or he'd be furious sometime you'd get a little
bit of that out of him
whenever even when he was angry and it would set you at peace you know there's
something powerful about
hearing a jingle bell you know there's something really really i think powerful
about it
so
so
so
there's something powerful about hearing a jingle bell isn't there
and this is one time a year when you know you can use a jingle bell and it's
not creepy really
it's not uh you know you're not a bad guy
if you roll up somewhere with a couple of jingle bells rocking
happy december bell and to myself as well i'll say that today is monday december
10th
uh this episode is up later than usual i took a i took some time off yesterday
you know i was i was tired i was tired and i'm uh i'm not tired at the moment
and i'm grateful
to be here with you guys today i got back from lexington kentucky and i have
this shirt on right
here um and it says straight out of lexington and who gave me this shirt was my
friend um
jared lorenzen and he's a quarterback or he was for the kentucky wildcats about
15 years ago
and he's probably six feet he's probably six feet tall five feet wide
someone said he uh they had to put three belts on him if he wanted to keep his
pants up
otherwise they said sometime he would have people stand around him and walk
next to him
and secretly kind of hold his pants up on each side
because he was that you know he was a universal type figure
he's the kind of guy you know he's just so he he just he was a universe of his
own
you wouldn't be shocked if maybe you were talking to jared lorenzen
and you saw a moon over off the side of him or a satellite hanging around his
neck
because he really was just that robust you know you wouldn't be surprised if
you're you know
you look around you know you wander around back of him and they had a big dipper
back there
you know and i'm not talking about a uh
you know a uh spare cock or nothing like that i'm talking
about you know a constellation he was just that
he was an orbit of his own and that's jared lorenzen
uh but he gave me this shirt last time i was in lexington
and uh a sweet man and then this time i went
and we had a great time
you know uh it was just you get there
you know you get to kentucky and it's
you know they got hills and they got
good food man i stayed in a castle
they have a place there called the kentucky castle
and one of the owners uh was a podcast listener
is a podcast listener
this gentleman jacob and his wife
and
man they reached out
and uh
and said hey man we love the podcast
we'd love for you to check out uh
the the kentucky castle when you come to town
and it was nice man and i got to meet with them
and we had some food
and man this cat they had they got the best food over there
and this isn't an advertisement for that castle or anything
i mean if the place you know if i'd have gotten bit by a bat or something like
that
i'll let you know
but i didn't do nothing like that
and we had a i mean we just had a nice time
the best food i've had in a long time
and the castle you go in there
it's like a damn castle
you know you wouldn't be surprised if
you know you uh
you know
they got somebody outside has the plague or something
or you know
part of me wanted to stay up all night
fighting off the neighbors with a bow and arrow
it's that kind of joint
it's a real deal
and it was nice to stay
and the history of the castle was this
a long time ago
they had a man who
was in love with a woman
and you know how that goes man
being in love with somebody can just
i mean it can reorganize the way your brain acts
you know it can
it can renegotiate
uh
the
the
the highways of thought
inside of you
you know
um
being in love with somebody
will damn
you know
it can
it can really create
like a violent relationship
between your own heart and brain
you know
my heart and my brain
don't really team up that much
unless love is involved
i find
you know
whether that's love with someone else
or
love for something
you know
most of the day
i find
this is just me
i'm wandering about the world
and
you know
when i'm just doing things
i'm reacting
and i'm acting
and i'm thinking
making choices
but then sometimes
something will occur
that usually it involves another person
and you get love involved in you
and that's when my brain and my heart have to team up
and
then they make choices together
and sometimes
sometimes they make good choices
sometimes they make scared choices
uh
but it's usually some type of love will make those link up
and that's kind of interesting
but
but yeah
the the castle was
was a great spot
it was fun
it was a unique experience
uh
what else happened over there
you know
it was just good man
i got delayed on the way in
i sat next to
now kentucky's got some real
you know
i mentioned jared lorenzen
is a big gentleman
the quarterback
other people who are not quarterbacks
who are just regular humans
are also
can be damn
ariana grande
you know what i'm saying
this dude
i sat on next to the plane
on next to a guy
the dude
largest dude ever seen
when he sat in the seat
the whole rest of his body
came up around his head
so he was just kind of
punksy-tony feeling
inside of himself
you know
the lady
when she came by
with the peanuts
she just set a couple of them
up on the ridge
where his head
you could just
his hair was just kind of
poking out of the top of him
because the seat
pushed his body up
so high
it just encompassed
the whole sides
of his head and neck
so you had to kind of
look over the edges
of his shoulders
to even see the top of his head
he was down inside of himself
and i checked on him
a couple times
you know
make sure he was
you know
living
but
and you know
and she set a couple peanuts
up on the ridge of him
so he could look
you know
fire his tongue out
and grab him
this guy weighed
no i'm not joking
i'm not making fun of him
this guy weighed 600 pounds
you know i got a couple pictures
he didn't know
but i got a couple pictures
with him in case
you know
something happens to him
he looked like
he was just trapped
inside of himself
like if he knew
a couple passwords
or something
he could get
he could get out
of himself
you know
it looked like
he wanted somebody
to break in there
and free him
but a large man
and he also
look
i'll say this
he had a sense of humor
about it
the lady came down
the aisle
the seamstress
not seamstress
the flight attendant
and she said
you know
can i get you
something to drink
he's like
i'll take a beer
and
and then he goes
can i have it
in the can
she goes
you can have it
in a cup
and then he goes
can i have it
in a cone
and i think he was joking
but i'm not really sure
but i'll be damned
if that dude
you know
nine minutes later
he ain't fucking
you know
he ain't having
half of a Guinness
out of a damn
waffle cone
and that's when
you know
you know
your weight
is getting a hold
of you
when you were
drinking beer
out of a
you know
a sugar cone
or waffle cone
i mean
if you find yourself
putting sprinkles
on a Michelob Ultra
then you probably
have maybe
dietary issues
but
i'm happy
to be here today
with you guys
and merry christmas
to you man
let me give you that
dude imagine
if you're nuts
had jingle bells
in there
can you imagine
that brother
you roll up
on a couple ladies
and then you're
talking to one of them
she doesn't know
if you're interested
and then you flex
your nuts a little
and you hear that
moist is the choice
after that
for the ladies
you know
what i'm saying
wow man
that's
if you had
dude
the girls
would know
what's up
the girls
would know
what's up
but kentucky
was great
a lot of people
came out
who came out
um
i met a couple
had the same name
joel
they had a man
named joel
and his wife
and his wife
and his wife
was also
named joel
and i just
said well joel
to the world
bro
good luck
out there
because i know
i can't believe
they found each
other
but i also
kind of can
believe they
found each
other because
if you introduce
yourself to
somebody your name
is joel
which isn't
you know
it's a nice name
but it's not
a real name
really that name
is joel
you know
that's like
somebody
if their name
is rona