Name: There's Something About Marys | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #157
Uploaded: 2018-12-17T14:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'There's Something About Marys | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #157' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'There's Something About Marys | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #157' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-17. Transcript available.

There's Something About Marys | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #157

It is a good day here. It is December here. It is Monday morning. It is the
year 2018 coming to a close.
You know, you can hear Mother Nature and Father Time and the Lord. You know,
you can hear Buddha and all of them, the whole crew. They're boxing up the year.
They've been using the year, playing it all, you know, like a board game, and
now they're putting it back in the box.
Things have happened, and people have come and go, and babies have, you know,
crawled out of crotches,
and senior citizens have crawled back into the earth in that bad motorcycle of
living and life and dying and condensation
and acid rain and telecommunications and all of it.
The whole whirlpool of existence has almost come to the end of its coil for
this year, 2018.
And as the year goes into the box, all that's left to do is wrap it up and put
a bow on it.
And that's what we're trying to do, I think, is just, you know, if it's been
good, if it's been bad, if it's been ugly,
if you've lost someone, if you've loved someone.
It just, we got to, you got to finish strong here and just put a bow on it.
Look forward to this new beginning.
It's coming.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
Welcome to this past weekend.
Hey.
One more's open sleigh.
One more's open sleigh.
I started to get a little bit lost on what, uh, where we were in the song.
That's jingle bells, jingle bells.
And some people say jangle, jangle bells.
Some people say probably even jungle bells, probably, you know, those people,
let's be honest.
They're, they're probably not doing super great.
People that say jungle bells, but that's jingle bells.
That was sent in by a man named tiny sand who, and some people don't know who
he is.
And some people know who he is.
And tiny sand who he's, we've never seen him.
You know, and this was a, this was a, I guess he's a man.
He said he, he, he, he was in emails.
He started just emailing in riffs that he made with his own fingers, you know,
in his own 10 fingers.
And I'm assuming he had, he, that he had 10 fingers and he made those riffs for
us.
And that one right there is jingle bells.
And he sent that into us last year around this time of year.
And so, uh, I just wanted to play it again so that we could have that.
And just to remind us how, or remind me that so many people have contributed to
this bad motor scooter right here of this past weekend.
And thank you guys for being with me.
Um, today's episode is brought to you by gray block pizza.
You know, there comes a time when every man's life, when he doesn't know what
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gray block, get that hitter.
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That's minimal case.
And those things are thin.
It's basically like, it's like putting a condom, like a hard condom on your
phone.
And you know that.
Oh, wow.
What a week.
Santa's coming.
Santa.
Dude, in these days, I think Santa could probably catch some charges.
You know, it's a different time now.
A big white dude rolls down a chimney somewhere, bro.
You know, it's not going to work super well right now.
You know, probably, I'm surprised a lot of, you know, extreme liberal people,
they're probably going to put little caps on their chimneys.
Saying that, you know, they don't, they don't want to be a part of it.
I heard somebody the other day, a parent out here in Los Angeles, saying that
they didn't want their children celebrating Christmas.
That it feels, it feels errant that gifts just come out of nowhere.
And it creates an environment where they feel like their children didn't do
anything but are getting gifts.
It creates a bad example for their kids.
Man, fuck that.
This is Christmas, man.
It's the one time a year when, you know, an old guy can wander around and do
something nice for a kid.
Every other old guy, if it ain't your grandfather, it's a pedophile.
You know, with some guy who's, you know, eating cookies all day and then trying
to touch a little bit of young skin.
And that's the thing I think on a lot of these, you know, on senior citizens,
because a senior citizen is just a regular person that, you know, is just
really, you know, that, that death is kind of starting to fucking flirt with.
That's all they are.
A senior citizen is just a kid that's like 70 or 80 years old.
You know what I'm saying?
It's just something really, you know, a senior, senior citizens, really, they're
basically just, they're people that are starting to bother everybody.
You know, they're wild.
And so, some of them, they just, they lash out.
If you've ever been to a senior care facility, when I was in, when I was in
high school, I went and lived with a family.
And, and, and the mother was a speech pathologist.
And she used to put these suckers, these little lollipops in like a senior
citizen's mouth.
And it, the lollipops had a little electric motor hooked onto it, on the stick
of the lollipop.
You would put the stick into this little motorized button thing.
And you press the button and the lolly would, would, that lolly would spin in
the senior's mouth.
And it would get them to start, you know, getting moist or, you know, get them
glistening and stuff on that fucking tongue.
And then they would be able to talk easier and, you know, cause some of them
had, had strokes and, you know, two strokes and fucking, you know, greens and
regulation and fucking, you know, birdies and double birdies.
They had all kinds of mental health issues and everything.
And they couldn't barely sometimes move their mouth or talk.
And she put this little lolly on their tongue and get that bitch spinning, you
know.
And then it would get them soft, you know.
It would get them softened up in the jowls and they could participate and start
to learn to communicate rehabilitation.
That's what they call, they call that rehabilitation.
And, and so sometime we get high after school and go in there and, and she'd
let us go warm up one of the seniors.
Because she would do the lolly in her mouth for a while and then have them do
the alphabet or, you know, you know, they would say like, uh, Wilma washes, um,
you know, the windowsills or things like that.
Little tongue tanglers, you know, uh, Larry loves, you know, liquid lozenges
and say it as much as you can and things like that.
Every brown car does fine.
Things like that.
Um, you know what I'm saying?
Uh, you know, uh, Shane, Shane, what is it?
Shane sells salmon, um, at, not Macy's.
I don't know what it was.
Shane, uh, she sells, she sells salmon at the she shore.
Things like that.
Different, you know, you know, little verbal, you know, jump about to get your
face happening.
And so anyway, sometimes we get in there, bro, and we get stoned.
We come from school and fucking joint out and get all fucking pop, pop.
You know, we'd have the, you know, we'd have the devil fucking dancing behind,
you know, you know, dancing behind our eyeballs.
And we get in there and get a couple of those little motorized lollies and
fucking just plop them on a tongue of any senior because they like that
activity.
Dude, you put a motorized lolly on the tongue of a senior citizen, bro, their
whole body will start to sweat, some of them.
It's a, it is a real, because for some of them, that's the most, um, it's the
most sexual action they've had in decades, maybe.
And see, and sometimes, you know, one time we got in there and my friend Bo, he'd
never been in there.
He'd never been into the senior center.
And dude, I was in there, I was fucking running around hiding.
You know, I'd hijack a couple dollars and shit like that.
A lot of them had stamp collections and shit.
And I'd get in there and, you know, look at the stamps and be all high and just,
you know, um, put on their different, sometimes they had, you know, big jackets
and big sweaters.
And I'd put on some of their clothes and just, you know, fucking around at the
scene, you know, at the senior center.
And he, my buddy Bo, one time he got in there, I didn't tell him that, uh, that
I, I told him that you got to go hug them all when you see them, right?
When, when you see the same seniors, one of the rules is you got to go hug them.
And so next thing you know, he's hugged, he's just going senior to senior, you
know, giving them that fucking double arm, you know, just that double arm
fucking rum shackle.
Just hitting him straight up, just chest to chest.
And, uh, and some of the older ones would fucking, you know, grab his fat or do,
you know, touches.
Even he was a little, he had a little bit extra weight on him at the time and
he had fucking, you know, um, kind of kid tits on him.
You know, middle-aged kid.
He was like a middle-aged child.
You know, we're 15, I guess.
And he kind of had a little bit of tits on him.
And some of these seniors, you, bro, they fucking grab a boy's tit, man.
Cause a tit's a tit.
You know, people don't think about that.
People think, oh man, I saw these tits on this girl or whatever.
But a tit is a tit.
A titty don't know if it's on a man or woman.
A titty is just doing its thing.
But yeah, sometimes seniors, they'll touch a fucking skin or they'll do, they're
naughty.
I mean, seniors are, they're just children hiding in very old skin and eyes and
hair.
That's all they are.
They're basically just a kid like in a sleeping bag.
But the sleeping bag is made out of old skin and, um, and different stuff like
that.
And, um, you know, and sometimes they put baby powder on.
And now with one of them, they had this one dude, um, Mr., I guess, I want to
say his name was Mr. Damien, this big black guy, bro.
And dude, he put so much baby powder on.
Fucking damn.
You thought he was fucking four months old, bro.
And sometimes you're talking to him and he smelled so much like baby powder,
you would forget he was a senior citizen.
Especially when you're high, dude, I'm sitting there high.
And Mr. Damien, dude, he was, you know, and he was urban.
You know what I'm saying?
He was, he was, I don't know if he was 100% African American, but he was at
least maybe 80 or 88%.
And he, um, but he wore so much baby powder.
I mean, he looked like damn Pablo, you know, Juan Pablo, Montana.
I mean, he had just, it looked like he was just selling coke off his shoulders.
He had so much baby powder on him.
And you'd talk to him when you were stoned and you, dude, sometimes I thought
he was just a fucking, you know, like a 160 pound, you know, uh, black infant.
That was just really chatty, dude.
I'd get way high.
We used to get way high on that fucking ditch smoke, bro.
When people used to grow weed in ditches right out in front of their homes.
So, but anyway, uh, but yeah, you got to be careful, man.
Senior citizens are very unique and rare creatures and people forget about that.
What happened this past weekend, man?
Oh, dude, I'll tell you this.
Um, the, uh, oh, I went to dinner with David Spades.
I went to dinner with David Spades, uh, yesterday night and we've been
communicating some and it's kind