Name: That Christmas Tickle | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #159
Uploaded: 2018-12-24T22:31:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Christmas Tickle | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #159' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That Christmas Tickle | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #159' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-24. Transcript available.

That Christmas Tickle | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #159

Coming to you live from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, down here, that Merry Christmas
they see.
I want to let you know that I, one time, I, this is many years ago, I, I was
trying to
go to an orgy in Los Angeles, you know, like a sex, you know, like a sex orgy,
and they
made you audition to go to it, and I went to the audition, and they said that I
didn't
have nice enough calves, that I don't have, you know, I guess basically my
calves, my cavalry
isn't welcome at a, at a group fuck, if you will, at group sex, and that kind
of, you know,
you never really get that no out of your system. Happy holidays, Merry
Christmas, let's get
into it.
You know what, let's try this one.
There we go.
Take you back to church, you know, see a little hottie across church, wink at
her, wink at her,
or him, if he's, you know, if he's, you know, if you're really, you know,
thinking wild.
All right.
You know, you'd think I'd have a better intro here at Christmastime, here on
the holiday,
but I do not.
Welcome to this past weekend.
I'm Theo Vaughn.
I am going to be, you know, getting us through it, and I'm coming to you from
Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
in case you hear something in the background, if you hear a couple of alligators
kind of,
you know, talking to each other like this, or if you hear maybe a little crawdad
kind of,
you know, pinching his cousin.
Or if you hear somebody who can't, you know, maybe somebody who can't read or
write very good,
but they still got a big smile on their face,
then that might be the background of Louisiana behind me, soaking into this
microphone.
Man, Louisiana is something else.
You know, it's something else.
It's one of the 50 states.
It is, it's, it has one of the largest ports in the world along the Mississippi
River.
Tom Huckleberry, Tom and Huck stayed here.
Jim, you know, darker Jim, and Tom and Huck and Mark Twain, remember that?
What else?
A lot of great stuff here in New Orleans and in Louisiana.
I'm down here in Baton Rouge spending time with my family.
But yeah, I tried to go to an RG one time in, in New Orleans, in Los Angeles,
sorry, a long time ago.
And, and they said I didn't have a nice enough calves.
You had to really, I guess you had to look a certain way.
And man, it just, I never forget that.
I never forget that.
I don't, I don't have that body.
I don't have the body that's welcome at a group fuck, you know.
I got that one-on-one fucking body.
And that, as a man, you never, it never really escapes you.
So, Merry Christmas.
It is, this will be Christmas Eve.
Today it's Christmas Eve.
I want to remind you that the King and the Sting podcast starts tomorrow.
And that'll be on its own unique YouTube and audio channel, podcast channel.
It's a trial episode.
So, you know, we have some different elements and stuff in there that we're
just practicing with.
And we're going to learn as we go.
And please check it out on YouTube if you get a chance and let us know your
constructive criticisms.
And you can see some of the visual effects and whatnot.
But good to be here and joy to the world.
You know, it's nice to be here in the South and, you know, around the holidays
and just be around the family.
And today, everybody, you know, we did Christmas today.
And everybody was running around and opening gifts and they had a dog.
Somebody came from Utah and they brought a dog.
And somebody, they had two cats here.
One of them named Minnow.
And that's got to be alarming when you think about it to a cat.
Because cats love fish.
You know, if you had to think of, if you offered a cat five different things,
if you granted a cat five wishes, five of the wishes would be fish.
All five of them.
So, when you name a cat after a fish, that's got, I mean, that's torturous,
really.
It's really a torturous thing to do.
And they did that to this small cat.
And they had various cats at the Christmas we did today.
Various cats.
What else?
You know, it reminded me of joy to the world.
It's a good time.
Now's the time of year when you can hug somebody.
If you see somebody and they look like they haven't been hugged or, you know,
like their breath stinks or whatever.
Or they just need a little pick-me-up.
Go hug them.
You know, put your hand on their back while you're talking to them.
You know, maybe whistle a tune when you walk past their desk at work.
Maybe whistle a tune.
Whistle something.
Throw a little joy over by them.
Write joy on a piece of paper and ball it up and throw it at them.
And when they open it up, what's there?
Sheer joy.
Written out joy.
It's just that time of year when you can touch another person on the face that
you don't know lightly.
And say, I wish you well, brother.
I wish you well, sister.
I hope that the joy finds you.
I hope the little baby of the Lord crawls into your heart and lays eggs of
happiness and joy.
It's that time of year.
Go tickle somebody.
Go tickle a motherfucker, honestly.
You know, I hate to use that language at this time of year, but go tickle a
motherfucker.
Because humans are one of the few animals that have the ability to jumpstart
our own joy.
And that's by tickling.
Some animals, you see them are different, you know, species.
They can't do anything.
If they want to laugh, they have no recourse.
They have no way to start that up themselves.
You know what I'm saying?
If you see a little, you know, you see a little chimpanzee outside.
Well, they smile a lot.
They smile.
But if you see a different type of animal, an aardvark, a raccoon, an opossum.
Those motherfuckers ain't finding any joy.
But imagine if you could go up and squeeze their sides and they started to
laugh.
Well, humans are the only species that have that built into them that we know
of.
So, so, so utilize that.
Tickle somebody you love.
Touch them, baby.
Touch that little motherfucker.
And be, and make somebody feel good.
Make somebody, kickstart that joy.
You know, when I was young, we played, when I was young, I remember tickling
was fun.
But also, you know, when we, in our family, we was dangerous.
You know, and if somebody, especially if you had, man, this is a dark episode
for Christmas.
But when I was young, if you had a little bit of diarrhea, you know it, you
know what I'm saying?
Diarrhea.
You know, when your booty's trying to attack you from the, you know, from
everywhere.
When your booty is angry at you.
And if you had some of that when I was young, you wouldn't tell my brothers and
sisters because they would try to tickle you.
Because we had this thing in our house where if somebody had the big D, you
know, then other people would try to tickle them and make them real active and
make them, you know, lose it right there.
So that was a very nefarious time.
If you had, you know, if you had it, you had to keep it a secret.
So you had to be real secretive.
And it's hard to have that to possess that demon, that body demon, and, and
also be secretive.
Because, I mean, honestly, having diarrhea is kind of the opposite of keeping a
secret.
You know, diarrhea doesn't want to be a secret, if you know that or not.
But happy holidays to you guys.
What's going on?
I got here into, I came into New Orleans.
We got the show on the 26th.
Everybody's pretty keyed up.
And I came into, to the airport here, and they're building a new airport,
finally, in New Orleans.
I mean, the international airport here is one where, I mean, it's, I wouldn't
even, it makes you, when you get here, it makes you want to get back on a plane
and go somewhere else right when you get to the airport.
Very dirty.
Hasn't been mopped.
I feel like in decades, probably.
It's that type of environment.
Kind of an, it almost seems unmoppable.
Like, if you put a mop on the floor, the floor would just kind of chuckle at
you.
Just kind of has that sort of environment.
But, got into town, stayed in New Orleans.
Went to a party.
Now, I went to a party.
A friend of mine had a party.
And, or he went to a party, and he invited me.
And I'm called a plus one at that point.
They call you a plus one.
And the party, man, I'll be honest with you, everybody, not everybody at the
party, but 92% of the party were homoerotic men.
And, I mean, look, some of them beautiful, you know, some of them okay looking.
But, dude, I had, it was just one of those things where I couldn't barely eat
or look around the room, really, without locking eyes with a real bad boy.
You know, and sometimes, man, I feel like a gay guy can see all your secrets if
they're looking at you.
And that makes me feel sometimes kind of wild, you know.
And here's the thing.
The main appetizer they had, soup.
So, man, you're trying to get some soup down.
And you've got to, like, put your lips out a little bit to get soup.
Because soup is one of those, you know, one of those things you almost have to
meet it halfway.
Some things you can just, you know, whatever, but soup.
You've got to make that little duck with your mouth and get out there and meet
it halfway.
And then, at the end, they had a tray of sweets, like a sweet area.
And it was a bunch of cream puffs.
And I don't know if you've ever had cream puffs.
It's cream basically hiding inside of a little bit of dough.
And if you didn't know them, if you weren't familiar with cream puffs, you
wouldn't know the cream was in them.
Somebody has to tell you almost, hey, there's cream in there.
And then you open one up or you bite into it and there is cream.
But, man, I had to go up over to that dessert area.
And they had a flock of dudes around that deal.
And I'm not, I got no issues with gay men, you know what I'm saying?
I might be gay when I'm 70 or 80 or 90 or 100 and, you know, or something.
Or, you know, or 70.
But, you know, it's still, I'm a guy, so I know what guys are thinking about.
And if I go by a guy and I'm trying to get a couple of cream puffs in me real
quick without them noticing.
But, dude, you can't, a man can't eat a cream puff around a gay man without
that man noticing.
I mean, it's almost like he could hear every bite.
And, man, it was just tough.
It was, I've never been on Fear Factor, but, you know, I had about nine cream
puffs and there was a whole circle of gay men right there.
And it was hard to swallow, brother.
It was just a lot of different levels going on, you know, levels.
But I want to thank you guys for being here with me today.
Um, what's going on?
The football, the Saints beat, uh, the Saints beat Pittsburgh.
And I'm sorry about that game.
Honestly, I love my Saints, but I also think that they, the referees made some
bad calls in that one.
I'll say that any day of the week.
And that's it, man.
I'm down here for the holidays.
You know, I'm just, um, I went for a run today.
They have a big lake down here.
I don't know what it's called, but, um, I don't think it has a name.
It's just called, you know, just a lake.
But it's huge and you can run around it.
You could walk around it or do anything.
You could drive, you could do anything around it.
But what I did today was run around it and, and it's nice out there.
And they got all kinds of animals out there.
You see a little raccoon on the side of the, of it eating a little fish or
something.
Having a little piece of trout or a little, you know, cut a gar or a little filet,
you know, or a little tilapia.
Where did tilapia come from?
Remember, dude, when I was young, they had like three types of fish, catfish,
um, sharks, what else?
Tarpon.
Suddenly, like six years ago, they got tilapia.
Like, what the heck?
Then it's like, uh, now they got a new fish called wee fish or something.
It's like O-U-I or, uh, Q-U-E or Q-U-I.
Like, what is that?
Like, where are they finding new fish at?
I mean, it's like, who the, who, I mean, do we live in a Dr. Seuss book?
How they suddenly just finding a new fish.
So it just, you know, that's the thing.
I guess things always have to be new, but they're always, like I noticed the
other day, I'm at the, um, Starbucks.
And they have, they say the sous vide, the little, they got little eggs in
there or something.
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