Name: Don't Move to Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #161
Uploaded: 2018-12-31T14:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Move to Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #161' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Move to Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #161' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-31. Transcript available.

Don't Move to Portland | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #161

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
What's up you little one-armed caterpillars?
You little cadaver dogs, huh?
You out there sniffing for the dead?
You might want to change your snout tune
and start trying to catch a whiff of that magical music of life.
Let's get this hitter.
If you listen to that music, that's slow, engaging music.
Almost like if you're watching a young handicapped boy get into a rowboat or
something.
Let's listen again.
Yeah, you feel that?
Or if you're watching maybe a squirrel kind of...
If you're watching a squirrel, you know, that maybe two squirrels just made
love, you know?
And two squirrels just really just enjoyed each other's small little...
Just little fucking little super bodies.
And now one of them is trying to, you know, maybe, you know, still kind of talk
to the other one
and be sweet and kind of snuggle.
Like two squirrels are just spooning each other after a little bit of...
After a little bit of animal sex.
Let's hear it.
Picture those squirrels.
Mouthfuls of acorn and no semen in their bodies, you know?
Done out.
Oh, now this is a different type of sound here.
This sounds like maybe a homoerotic gentleman setting the table for a fancy
party.
You know, maybe Sweet Darren is running around just putting the silverware out
where they go.
Oh, Griffin gets two spoons.
And that is a little bit of enchanting music right there.
And that is called New Beginning by Peter Sandberg.
And that is classical music.
And that is classical music by Peter Sandberg.
And that's called New Beginning.
And I thought about New Beginning because that's where we are.
And that's something that sometimes...
That's something I want in my life sometimes is a new beginning.
You know, I want that original...
I want that nouveau minute.
You know?
I want that primero oportunidad, you know?
I want that new beginning.
I want to have something...
You know, I always want that...
I want something to be like the first time.
And that's what I feel like I'm always searching for.
I'm always searching for something...
You know, I want a new experience.
And that's what I'm hoping to have in this coming year of 2019.
Oh, can you believe it?
The year is wrapped up.
That thing...
Put that thing...
You know?
Check the traps, man.
We caught another fucking año, baby.
We caught another year.
And I am happy to be here with you to enjoy one another's company as we start
out in 2019.
And with the hopes that we have a new experience.
And that if you are looking for a new experience in your life, that you get
just that.
I am...
If you can see me on the videotape on the YouTubes, you can see I'm wearing...
I'm showing my arms.
And I'm wearing a lean shirt.
It's like a tank top, but it's doing a little bit more.
It's like a tank top that's also...
You know, kind of trying to show out a little and maybe be like a damn...
You know, a...
What does a woman wear sometimes?
And I would never wear a woman's shirt.
But it's almost a...
I don't know what it's called.
A damn...
Not a bra, because that's just for...
That's like a...
You know, that's a real tight shirt just for your tits.
But it's more of a blouse.
This is almost a, you know, a blouse for a man.
Because I was just doing fitness.
But I'm also...
I want to be brave in the new year.
And I'm not afraid to show off my body type.
And a lot of you...
You know, a lot of our listeners know that I had...
You know, I was born with a rare body style.
You know, the doctors, when I said...
When I was born, some of the doctors said I had the rib cage of a large cat.
You know, and that was something you don't hear very much.
And some of the doctors said I had the heart of a lesbian.
That, you know, I had that real...
That ticker that wants to, you know, just be naughty and sometimes do something
deviant.
And, you know, that's what I have.
You know, I got that...
And some people even say maybe I have extra ribs.
30 or 40 ribs.
You know, when I was young, they had a mystic in our town.
And they would read your ribs, you know.
Like a...
Like a...
A mystery...
Not a...
A prognosticator.
You know, someone who predicts the future.
And this lady could read ribs.
And, I mean, this bitch read my shit for about 40 minutes.
You know?
Like, it was a dang...
You know, it was like a damn Agatha Christie novel.
And I think that's because I've...
You know, within my carriage, I have so many ribs.
And I have that unique body type.
A rare type.
I'm...
I'm 88% torso.
And 12% other parts.
Head and appendages.
I'm like...
I'm built like a...
Like a gingerbread man.
You know?
Heavy on the bread.
And if you look at my body, that's how I am.
That gingerbread.
I got limited...
You know, my arms.
I only have medium.
My arms are medium lengthers.
So, if somebody tries to hand me something,
I can get it if it's not very far away from me.
But if it's a little further, I can't get it.
You know, I'm that close.
I'm that proximity bad boy.
I need something to be close and around me.
I'm that girthy soldier.
You know, I'm that...
It's almost like my...
You know, I'm built like a French bulldog.
A lot of chest and shoulders and strapping.
But, you know...
But, you know, I got that British attitude.
I'm that French bulldog with a British attitude.
The red coats are straight up coming, daddy.
And I am here.
I'm that gingerbread bad boy.
That little oven-baked treat.
You know, and I'm sweet in your mouth, baby.
And you know that, baby.
Praise God.
But good to be here.
And just back in the studio here in Los Angeles.
I was in New Orleans.
And what did I do, man?
We had the show at House of Blues.
I'll start there.
And I want to thank the people that came out to that one.
And things got a little wild over there.
And I'll cut, actually, to a call right here real quick about that experience.
Here we go.
Hey, Theo.
It's Matt Garrett from New Orleans, man.
Thank you for calling, Matthew.
More?
I wanted to thank you for coming down to New Orleans at the House of Blues on
Wednesday.
My family and I were there.
The show was great and hilarious.
And I just wanted to apologize for the very loud minority that you had to, you
know, just tell them,
shut the fuck up or leave, I believe, is the word you used.
A lot of people, I think, maybe found that alarming.
But I just tried to express that I hear this a lot with comedians, man.
People want to be the center of attention.
And they won't shut the fuck up.
And I know it bothers you that they're fucking it up for everybody else.
But I wanted you to know that my family and I, we had a great time, man.
It did not take away from the show.
It was really cool running into Dustin Poirier upstairs, too.
I saw that tatted up fucking meat masher.
And also, it was cool that your brother posted up right in front of us at the
show.
I recognized him from your video last Christmas.
And he had that ducktail fucking with him.
And he was right in front of us, man.
Oh, yeah.
My brother does have that unique cut.
And he has a little bit of a ducktail.
And he's a businessman.
And that's very rare these days to have that.
You know, to be, to try and take on the likeness of a bird with your hair and
also be doing business.
You know, he's that corporate warbler.
And he was there.
Dustin Poirier came out.
That freaking, you know, that frisky man right there.
And thank you so much for the call, man.
I'm glad your family had fun.
You know, it was, yeah, man.
I got frustrated when they just had some drunks.
And they, yeah, and they had to throw some people out.
And part of the issue was House of Blues does bands.
They do musical teams, you know, teams that do music.
Sometimes you'll see somebody beating on something and somebody else is, you
know, has a guitar and they're, you know, look like they got anxiety in their
hand.
And somebody else is yelling words into a pipe.
And that's, and that's a band.
And those people are usually at House of Blues in New Orleans.
But they hadn't done comedy very much, so they weren't used to the vibe and
used to the environment.
So we're backstage and, and they said, it seems quiet out there.
I said, man, it's not quiet out there.
I said, we need the crowd to be paying attention.
And I said, look, man, if we're paying you guys, y'all got to get the fuck out
there and keep people keyed up and keep them focused in.
And because all the security guards and stuff were backstage.
But, but everything went, went well.
And I, and I felt like it went good.
And a lot of it was just stress, man.
You know, I've been, I've been dealing with some stress and, and not managing
it well.
And I think some of it is I've just been wanting, you know, perfection in some
ways or.
I mean, I work real hard on, on the craft and I want people to be able to enjoy
it, you know, and it means a lot to me that people can enjoy the show.
And so when somebody shows up and they're just, you know, just, just tanked out
and they just been lipping that bottle.
You know, they just been just, just gassing their liver down of just dram after
dram of, you know, liquor and gin and, and just, you know, damp falsehoods.
Some of it's too much at a certain point when they're ruining the experience
for others.
But thanks for coming out.
It was a good Louisiana experience.
You know, I'll say this, they served us a little bit of food backstage.
So I had a couple, you know, some cuts of fish back there.
And I don't know if I had trout or, or what it was, some type of damn, you know,
a local cut.
It could have been like a local trout or a local, well, I don't want to say tilapia
because I don't know what the fuck that is.
You know, a lot of places start peddling this tilapia and guess what?
I don't know what the fuck that is, man.
But I think it was local trout or a little bit of ditch salmon.
And, uh, and if you never had ditch salmon, dude, that shit, I mean, it's, you
catch it with your bare hands.
And that's one thing I love about that local hit, that local cut of fish.
Is that when you taste it, you can taste that sheer joy in it.
You can taste the soft palm prints of a young boy picking that bitch up out the
ditch.
But thank you for coming out.
Um, and yeah, uh, some people got tossed out and actually, they actually hit
the hotline.
So let me play this for you.
So, um, you and my husband went to the tier one and, uh, how's the food?
It was pretty cool.
I went to some, I'm coming back and, uh, they're trying to get my house, uh, my
husband on because he said something he did not.
He was, like, really excited to see tier one because we just moved to
Kazakhstan and he was excited, but, like, it was not fair.
And I'm about to, to house the food.
Thank you.
Okay, and so she hit the hotline, that lady.
And she's probably, she sounds so hopped up on something.
She sounds, you know, dang, you know, Slovakian or something.
You know, she sounds like she just, you know, she's out there, she might be
growing, uh, cabbages or something in her neck.
You know, she sounds like she's really doing, you know, something's going on.
She sounds, you know, and that, and that's when you, you know, you're, when you've
been drinking too much, when you sound like you are, uh, suddenly you're
bilingual.
You know what I'm saying?
Man, I've never been so fucked up that I, you know, that I'm, that I'm, you
know, talking in Cantonese.
I've never been that tanked out.
But she called, and that wasn't it.
She said it wasn't fair.
Uh, and then this call hit the hotline as well.
Hey, Theo.
It's your boy, Brad.
I love you, too.
For me, my wife got kicked out of your show, the House of Blues.
I don't know why.
I think your boy, Drake, your boy, he looks like Drake, was hating on us.
That's cool.
And, look, I guess he ran into somebody that looks like Drake, and they have a
lot.
I mean, I'll be like this.
Honestly, about 10% of America looks like Drake these days, and it is a little
bit alarming.
More?
I want to know, I want to let you know that it's all good, and I love you, but
it's kind