Name: Andrew Santino | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #162
Uploaded: 2019-01-03T13:58:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #162' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #162' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-03. Transcript available.

Andrew Santino | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #162

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza on the way to the beach
1811 Pico Boulevard Gray Block get that hitter
I don't know. Yeah, it seems like illegal. It is illegal
It is fucking illegal, but the fact that they get away with it is crazy. What
is this shit?
Ooh, Roar Drink
Roar Drink
We're rolling
Let's roll
Roar Drink, dude. Let's get into it
Roar Drink
We have the, probably one of the top 60 or 70 gingers in America right now
Top 30 or 40
Yeah
According to GingerUnite.com
And you know that when there's a biopic or biopic, you're going to play Louis C.K.
in it
Actually, I'm hoping to be Ron Howard when he dies
Yeah, Ron's kind of handsome
First of all, first of all, bro, I'm way more handsome than Ron Howard
Whoa, dude
Who would you play in a biopic?
Who would you play?
Huh?
Who would you play in a biopic?
In a biopic, I would probably
When they die, who will you play?
Maybe
Let me think about that for a second
Like one of the Clampets?
No, you
Yeah, one of the Clampets maybe
That's so limiting
Okay, well then maybe you could play
At least Louis is a role, you can do something
He's something real
Yeah
You would play
You could do Brad Pitt
No, I'm not doing Brad Pitt
Not looks-wise
Dude
Just confidence-wise
No
I definitely don't have that confidence
You don't have the Brad Pitt confidence?
No
I think I could do Jeff
Garland
You could do Jeff Garland
Oh, no
He can't even turn his neck
Let me do
Oh, Jabig Lebowski
The dude?
Yeah
You're talking about the actor?
Yeah
Jeff Bridges
Yeah
You could be Jeff Bridges, you think?
Let's hear it
All right
Mark it eight
Donnie
No, let me try it again
I don't know what they're talking about
Do you not know any lines from the movie?
Huh?
Yeah
It sounds like you don't know any fucking lines from the movie
Mark it eight, Donnie
Jeff Bridges, dude
I know what I'm talking about, dude
Let me try one more
The dude
He never says the dude
He never once says it
You don't know what you're talking about
All right, bro
I'm off
But we're in here
Here we are
We have Andrew Santino
Yo, yo
From the new Whiskey Ginger podcast
Trying
Which is
How's that been?
It's been actually really good
Yeah
You've had some real slubs on there
I've seen too
A few
A few
A few
A few
Yeah, a few slubs
Chris Delano
Who lost to you
Or will inevitably lose to you
In the Guest of the Year belt
We all know that
Yeah, we'll see
We're just over there
And apparently there's a big to-do about it
Well, I think what it comes down to is
Chris
You know Samson and Delilah
You know that story about the power being
From the Bible?
Yeah
You know the power being in
I don't think it's Delilah
Is it Samson and Delilah?
Isn't that what it is?
Can we look it up, Nick?
It is
It is, right?
And it was the power line in his hair
Well, I haven't read all of the Bible
So I think the power in Chris's hair
Is all he's got
And he wants to be the prettiest boy in town
And now that you have a mane in the back
A thick mane
Oh yeah
I think he gets nervous and scared
He's talked privately
And this is off the record
But on the record
He's talked privately, I know
To Callan and said that he's threatened by your hair
And he feels like he's gonna
He feels like he's gonna get pushed out of the way
I saw him on crying on the 405
He pulled over and was crying
Really?
On the 405
Yeah
Wow, what does he drive even?
It's like a souped up go-kart
Oh wow
Yeah
No, he drives like a really fancy, expensive, rich car
Does he?
Yeah, really, really nice car
Somebody said, the other day
Somebody said he has all
Like so much silverware at his house
You'd have to have like 7,000 people eating dinner at once
Yeah, it'd be impossible
But also, he doesn't even use it
You know that?
He eats with his hands
Does he really?
Yeah, Chris eats only with his hands
That's why if you notice
If you guys, the fans, you can get close
He has long, dirty fingernails
Oh yeah
Because he always eats with his hands
I've seen that
I don't have
Very Kenyan
Yeah
Starting from the nails out
He's very Kenyan
Yeah, and I think he just gets so threatened
By the main
That I've
This is what
This is just what
What Callan told me
That he was threatened by you
So he paid a bunch of people
To illegally vote
Unbelievable
But he was
Because he's like
Money's not a problem
Wouldn't make a dent
You know all this shit
Yeah, so he was just paying people
To vote
Yeah
I'll pay the cheat
Yeah
And that's what it is
He said he's gonna start
An auto body shop
That repairs cars
Called
Did make a dent
Is he really?
Yeah
I'd take my fucking car
No, but what I'm starting to realize
From them is
I don't trust them
Well, who do you trust less?
Schaub or Callan?
I think
One of them's a patsy
And I think it's
You think it's Schaub
But it's Callan
See, that's weird
Because I think the patsy
Would be Callan
My first instinct
When I see him
Because he's tiny
And little
He's kind of like
You know
I don't know
He's like a little sneaky
He can hide very well
Little beady
Little creepy eyes
Oh, definitely
His eyes have no color
Sleeps in a tree
Yeah, he sleeps up in a tree
Well, here's the thing
If you zoom in on
Chris D'Elia's dick
Right behind it
There's two nuts
And that's
Brennan and Brian
Oh, shit
These dudes are
Hanging on that fucking guy's dick
They put out all types
Of specialty things
On the internet
This week for him
And last week
For him to get extra support
Yeah, they were promoting him hard
Very much
I didn't see you get promoted that much
I didn't either
Hmm
But it just goes to show you that
That's the world we live in
I thought that they were
More healthy than that
In their spirit
No
No, no, no
Yeah
Well, because
Just their background
You know, both of those guys
Come from very
Very privileged shady places
Oh, yeah
So they want privileged shady people
To continue
And we know Chris
Is privileged and shady
You know his father owns
Downtown Los Angeles
It's crazy
Every building
Brandon used to fight
In damn
Shopping malls and shit
He was just getting fistfights
At Westfields
Yeah
Or different stuff
Man, there's
They got it
I think
I think
I think the sad thing
About the belt is
I'm happy that I came in third
Because I beat those other
Fucking trash bags
I mean people were talking
A lot of shit on the internet
But did you think
You had a chance
At the belt
For a second you did
I was happy
I was happy
No, I was
I knew I wasn't going to
Compete with you guys
Not this early on
I don't believe that
But I do think
Next year
Next year I'll have
A way better shot
But I also think
I was more mad
That people
Like Michael Rappaport
Was even in the running
Is crazy to me
That's crazy to me
No way
Yeah
No way
Well somebody said
He got
Somebody said that
Tony Hinchcliffe
Got seven votes
I'm not even joking
I believe every second
I'm not even joking
I didn't know he was in it
And then I was surprised
I think Swartzen
Got thrown in there
Yeah
And I love Swartzen
But I was like
No way
And then Sasso
Who definitely
Should have been
A better contender
Sasso should have
Been a better contender
Yeah but that's only because
I think he didn't even want
I don't think he wanted
To be a part of it
No
Well he said
This is not big enough for him
He doesn't want to drive
Over here either
Uh uh
No
No this would cut his waist off
I mean he almost died
In that chair a couple weeks ago
He got swallowed by his chair
No bro
He sweated so bad
His arms were cold and wet
His neck was very wet and cold
Was he nervous
Or was it just hot in here
I don't know what was going on
A lot of different things
But he could wear this
As like a watch I guess
Oh definitely
Yeah
Oh this would be one of those
Life alert bracelets for him
You know
On the inside
It just has his
Blood type
His heart rate
His pulse
Yeah his heart rate
I think the real race
Was between
You D'Elia
And for third
Was probably me
And um
Uh
And Sasso
Should have been
Between me and Sasso
And they should give out
A couple of different belts
And I'm curious
Cause yeah
From the last thing he said
Two belts dude
It just
I think it's bullshit
I think it's bullshit
That they're gonna do a tie
It's the same way I feel
About like when they tie
In the NFL
Like that's fucking maddening
I don't think you should
Ever tie in sports
I think it's bullshit
Yeah
There shouldn't be a tie
And by the way
Because there's a tie
I know what they're doing
They're gonna have
Some kind of like
Thing to make you
Do a tie off
You know what I mean
Like an overtime
That's what they want
They're trying to monopolize it
Of course
Of course
They're trying to make money
Off of you
Yeah
Well that's what they did
They put up
They put up different things
Different videos
All for Chris
These are the guys
You can scroll through
Bleach Media Official
Oh god
And all he did
Was post about
D'Elia
D'Elia
D'Elia
So you think Chris
Was paying him too
I don't know
I'll say this
Because he wouldn't
Make a dance
Yeah
Chris has a lot of money bro
He does
Dude I was somewhere with him
And I've said this before
Where a table was uneven
And he took like $800
And folded it up
And put it under the table
To make it even
Just so he could enjoy his coffee
And that's it dude
And somebody said
He's been like
Ordering blood
Off the internet
And all kind of stuff
Yes
Ordering blood
He does such strange things
With money
We go to this coffee shop
Sometimes
And they have his order ready
Before you know
He comes in
Because he goes all the time
Yeah
I said that's really cool
And he goes
Yeah but I take care of them
I said what do you mean
You take care of them
He says I take care of them
Don't worry about it
What child support and stuff
Yeah he pays their rent
The two girls that work there
Pays their rent
Pays for their kids
Private schooling
Unbelievable
Yeah it's ridiculous
What Starbucks worker
Is sending their kid
To private schooling
Janice over on Sepulveda
Unbelievable
He's got too much money
And so this is
This should be a message
To your fans
Rob him
Rob Chris
You know you go see him
Pretend you're a fan
Go oh dude
I love your stand up
Yeah
Psych
Gun out
No I'm going to dress up
Like a 17 year old girl dude
Go into his place
Fuck him
And then steal a bunch of shit
Wait he doesn't
He doesn't fuck underage girls
No dude no
I'm joking
No
Actually that's funny
He's so
Chris is so far
From being a pedophile
I'll have just turned 18
That morning
That was your birthday
Chris is so far
From being a pedophile
Everyone should know this
On the internet by the way
He won't fuck someone
Under 60
Yeah
No chance
I've never seen Chris
Hanging out with a woman
Under 60 in my entire life
He has that 43 year
Yeah he stays 43 years
Outside of possible pedophilia
Yeah he loves that
And that's that 60 year range
I think that's to keep him safe
The more famous he gets
Now he will doctor
Those 60 year old chicks up
I've seen him with
Put fake tits
On a 60 year old lady
Fake teeth
Her carriage could barely
Hold them up
I saw a woman with new eyes
He had a woman
With brand new eyes
Yeah
I said how did she get new eyes
He's like
Dude
Yeah
Did that thing that he does
Yeah
I don't
You know
Do I like
Do I like Chris D'Elia
You know
He's like mustard
Yeah
He's like mustard
If it's on there
It's fine
I'll have it
But
Yeah if it's
I'll put it on every
Yeah I'll put it on once in a while
But usually when I see it
I go
That's gonna fucking
That's gonna annoy me
Can't believe somebody bought that
Can't believe somebody bought that
Anyway
Anyway
The truth is
This is me off dude
If whatever their deal is
That
It's like
Cause we've been waiting
Yeah
It's been like an exciting thing
Yeah
And now
And now
And now
Now we here we are
On the new year
And that's what we get
Which I feel like
Is a real big rip off
For them to say that out loud
Yeah
To say that it's just a tie
Yeah
I think that's really sad
But I know what it is
They're fucking with you
That's that
That's what I think
I wonder if they're just joking
And if they wanted us to have that
And then Chris is really gonna win
No
That's not true
What they're doing
Is they're setting up