Name: We Need New Maps | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #163
Uploaded: 2019-01-07T14:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Need New Maps | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #163' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Need New Maps | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #163' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-07. Transcript available.

We Need New Maps | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #163

It's just a day.
It's just a day.
You know, we can do it.
It's just a day.
I think we can do it.
Happy New Year's.
Happy New Year's.
Think about that, a new year.
Think about a calendar.
Now think about another calendar.
And that's where we are.
You know what I'm saying?
And that crispy little calendario is stretching its neck out again.
It's January.
I have a friend.
He's Spanish, dude, or Mexican.
And he'll say, oh, it's January.
And I love that.
I love that.
One thing that I do enjoy about different languages is it's more, you know,
when you say something in a different language, it's like your tongue gets to
do something special, you know?
Like January, that shit sounds like, you know, somebody probably going to get,
you know, shot.
You know, the male's going to be late.
You know, somebody might get, you know, a rash or a little bit of, you know,
maybe even a little bit of AIDS up around their neck or something, you know,
skin AIDS or whatever.
Measles.
But you say, oh, it's January.
Anything could happen in January.
January?
You might have a party.
You know what I'm saying?
You might just, you might find gold.
You ever found gold?
Yeah.
Well, you, you know, this could be that time.
So, happy January.
Happy New Year's.
You feel me?
No fears, baby.
It's that cat daddy.
I'm back.
Come on.
I'm that dreadlock flamingo.
You got it?
You know what I'm saying?
I'm that Rasta, that yard bird.
You see me over in the distance standing up on one leg with that pink body coat.
Huffing on that giant.
Huffing on that giant.
You know what's up, baby.
It's that nutmeg donkey coming at you 2019.
We can do it.
And we can start right now.
Happy New Year's, guys.
And girls.
Oh, yeah.
In my bones.
It's gonna take.
A little time.
The white school.
For me to set that parking brake.
And let myself unwind.
Shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine that light on me.
And I will find a song.
I will sing it just for you.
I've been floating on the breeze.
Happy New Year.
And this is it.
And it is a special time.
You know, it's funny.
A new year.
It's that, you know, it's.
I mean, I'll be honest.
It's the same year as before.
But it's just really a chance to kind of restart.
Reconnect.
I feel, you know, you can evaluate.
Look at your body.
That's one thing I do.
You know, I'll do this.
A lot of guys don't like to do this.
You know, a lot of guys don't like to look at their body as we get older.
You know, women will speak often about their body and this and that.
And, you know, something's happening and they got this or whatever.
But men, a lot of times we have body problem.
You know, your body starts to look, you know, special.
You know, I was at a Christmas meal and somebody, I don't think it was a family
member, but somebody
that was, you know, kind of fucking somebody that was in our family.
So it was like a lover, you know, or something was at the house.
And this fella had a big mole back behind his, right in that little soft spot
behind, you know,
on the back of your knee, behind your knee, whatever that little, it's like a
little joint
where, you know, behind your knee, the other side of your knee, whatever that's
called, that little.
It's almost like where if your knee had like a little butthole, kind of that's
where it would be.
You know, or a b-hole, I'm sorry.
I don't want to say, you know, say, well, I got to say it again just to tell
you what I said,
but I don't want to say butthole again this early in the new year.
But yeah, if your knee had a little b-hole, it would be in that soft spot on
the back side
of your knee, on the back of your leg.
And this gentleman had a damn mole back there, looked like a damn, I mean, just
like a damn
chocolate elevator button.
You know, like if you was at the chocolate factory and you wanted to go all the
way to
the top, you would press this big brown hitter.
So all the kids at the house kept kind of running up and pressing on old boys,
you know, hitting
them on that little, I mean, it was big too.
It looked like a damn second base.
You know, if you ever played baseball or something.
If you ever played baseball, sometimes you will be running around the bases and
the bases are
things out of the ground.
And those are bases and they're white.
But this fellow looked like he had a damn second base back there made out of
just mole and just,
you know, little chunks of, you know, body cancer.
But all the kids kept coming up and just ringing that bitch like a doorbell,
you know.
So this is the time of year where as men, we have to do something for ourselves.
We have to evaluate.
You got to look at yourself.
Get that gander.
You know, get a mirror.
If you don't have a mirror, you know, get you some strong tinfoil, you know, or
some aluminum
foil that has a real, you know, kind of a robust attitude and put that shit out
and get a look
at yourself.
Take stock.
Take inventory.
Look at your body.
Where you got some new hair at.
My buddy didn't realize he had damn, he had like six inches of hair on his tri,
on the
backside of his triceps.
He didn't see it because he hadn't taken a little bit of that body inventory.
And get that gander at yourself.
And, you know, next thing you know, he could cornrow his fucking triceps, dude.
You know?
And that's really a beautiful art.
If you haven't seen some of that, that's real Native American or kind of
something maybe
like, you know, kind of young, you know, kind of inner city girls will do
before they
jump rope, you know, braid.
He'll do braiding.
But it's a time where you look at your body, you know, get over by the mirror,
bend over.
Check your body.
Check your butt.
You know?
Look at the back of your nuts.
See who's back there.
What's going on?
Do you have a tattoo back there behind your nuts or something?
Do you remember getting that?
Do you have a rash?
You know, I knew a gal one time and she showed everybody that, you know, that
little baby
badger hole at our party and she didn't realize she had a bunch of big mumps or
something back
there or some, you know, big damn, you know, some, some real booty mumps or
something back
there, back there by that little booty hole, B hole.
Sorry.
Damn, I keep saying it and I don't want to say it and I'm sorry that I said it
already a couple
times.
But yeah, you got to be careful.
You got to know what's going on, man.
And it's best, especially for us.
You got to check your nuts.
Check your nuts.
And they say you can't feel your body at work.
I'm not touching myself, sir.
Okay.
I'm checking my body for cancer.
So if your boss comes up, you know, my boss one time I was, well, this actually,
I was,
you know, I was actually, I was, you know, you know, kind of enjoying my body.
One time I worked at a, what was that place called?
Chef's, Chef's Voyage or something, Chef's Voyage.
And it was a real shithole.
And I was, well, it was nice.
They had real nice silverware.
I mean, the kind of silverware you looked at and you were like, damn, did this,
you know,
am I on the Titanic?
But you were just in a shopping mall.
You were over there by a Payless shoes, really.
So if you looked out the window, you would know you weren't on the Titanic.
But if the windows were closed and you were just staring at the silverware, you
could
maybe have the idea you were boating.
But anyway, I worked up there and my buddy worked up there and he was homoerotic.
You know, he preferred the company of men and men's bodies.
But anyway, he was about 40 or something and he was a, you know, he was also a
real, he
was a boxer.
He was like a real, you know, kind of this little Italian.
He looked kind of, you know, he looked like a little, he looked like a kind of
a senior
citizen, but also like a child at the same time.
He was that kind of mixed Italian daddy, you know, that mozzarella mad man.
And his name was Billy Conforto, rest in peace, because he ate a bunch of pills
years later
and he drove a car into an embankment out there in Laplace, Louisiana.
And he was a, he was a good friend of mine.
And we got stoned one time during, when Princess Diana died.
And I didn't know what Princess Diana was.
You know, I thought it was, you know, a beanie baby or like a nice dessert.
And we'd gone over to his house because he was my friend, you know, we were
actually really
good friends.
We were close friends and, and I miss him.
And he, uh, and he would, he had made us a couple of chicken cutlets, you know,
grilled
us up a couple of, you know, hearty chicken breasts.
I mean, a real chicken, not one of these weak bitches that they're pumping all
these vitamins
and, and riboflavins into over there and, you know, out there in Laurel,
Mississippi.
But I'm talking about them real bad boys.
I'm talking about the kind of chicken that gets up in the morning and does some,
you know,
does some lunges and does some, uh, you know, work does, um, you know, maybe 40
pounds of
incline press.
I'm talking about that kind of chicken, that real, that fucking bad bitch that'll
sing.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm talking about maybe a black chicken, you know, kind of lady that'll be
singing in the,
you know, singing in a chorus in the yard while the other chicken's just doing
some bullshit.
I'm talking about a real bad bitch.
And he had some of those cutlets, those high-end cutlets, and he grilled those
hitters up and
we had gotten stoned doing drugs, you know, doing, uh, marijuana.
And we got so stoned, man, and we, um, and that's when Princess Diana died and
he kept telling
me, and I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, dude.
I thought he was talking about a damn beanie, baby, and I was fucked up.
But anyhow, he and I worked together at a place and they caught me one time in
a, in a,
freezer section.
In the freezer, you know, they had bread pudding in the freezer and I'd sneak
back there and
do a couple whippets and have me a couple of fucking quick handfuls of bread
pudding.
And if you've ever worked at a restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.
It's called taking a break.
And that was something we would do.
And I'd get back there and hit them whippets, get me four fucking, you know,
and get, get
feeling all kind of creamy up in my skull.
And then I'd fill my mouth with that just, God damn.
I don't know if you've ever had a little bit of bread pudding and eating it out
of your own
hand.
But that is the damn Lord's tartare right there, boy.
Yeah.
Dang.
Some people, when they die, you know, they want to be embalmed or they want to,
you know,
you know, they want their family to shoot them out of a cannon or something
into a damn,
you know, into a damn, you know, schoolyard or they want to be, you know,
putting a, in
one of them, what are those lava lamps?
But this was, uh, what I'm talking about is when you die, fuck, what am I
talking about?
Oh, I'm talking about that bread pudding.
I'm talking about this, the kind of shit when I die, I want to be embalmed with
that
bread pudding and pour a little bit of that fucking raisin sauce on my body.
That bourbon, just that bourbon backwash, just dip daddy's ass in that bourbon
backwash
and you put me in a casket like that.
You're going to see how many people come to my funeral.
That's what I'm saying.
This is a damn, this funeral is five star.
This is a Michelin five star funeral, baby.
And God damn, what's that boy on?
Was he, was he, he smells good.
He smelled like he's got that rum raisin sauce on him.
And that's how I want to die.
I want to be embalmed with bread pudding like a real man.
Like a real man.
But Billy Conforto was one of the first real men that I ever met in my life.
And he was, you know, he was good to me.
He was protective of me.
And he, you know, when other kids would do me wrong, he would fight them.
And I guess in hindsight, it's a little weird to think a 35 year old man was
fighting children.
But, you know, where I grew up, that was what it was, what it was.
You know what I'm saying?
Age didn't really matter.
You would just fight each other.
You know, yo