Name: Kevin Nealon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #166
Uploaded: 2019-01-17T10:37:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kevin Nealon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #166' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Kevin Nealon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #166' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-17. Transcript available.

Kevin Nealon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #166

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I want to let you guys know in a few weeks,
Howie Mandel is going to be in here.
And he's going to be just being himself and being regular.
But before that, you can see him January 18th
in his very first Showtime comedy special in more than 20 years.
So you guys make sure to check that out.
Today, here in the studio, we got a special man.
And this is a man that I've seen walking down the street.
That I've seen on television as a child and now in person as an adult.
This is a human male.
And he's from, fuck, I don't know.
He's from somewhere.
And we're about to meet him and speak with him.
And I want to introduce you to my friend, Mr. Kevin Nealon.
Where do you live?
You live in Hollywood, don't you?
I live in Westwood.
Oh, okay.
So we're not too bad at driving.
Yes.
But I go sometimes to, I go to AA meetings sometimes over in,
and I'll see you in Palisades.
Walking down the street sometimes in the morning.
You might not remember it's early.
Do you go to the Palisades?
Yeah.
Oh, I know where you go.
The women's club thing there.
The white, yeah.
I mean, it's for men, too.
I know.
Yeah, I just want the listeners to know that it's not like,
I'm not considering a sex change.
I know somebody else that goes there, too.
Yeah.
Half of the Palisades goes there.
And she talks about it all the time, too.
Oh, she does.
Sorry.
Yeah.
No, my listeners know about that, so.
But, yeah, dude, if I have a cleaning lady coming over,
even a friend, anyone, I will station things in my place
because I don't want them to kind of see it a certain way, you know?
Well, yeah.
I mean, I have a, or I had a podcast.
I mean, I had an iPod song list that was just to show, like,
younger people that I was trying to impress.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
You know, stuff I didn't, no, it wasn't like the rock and roll
from the 70s and stuff and Journey.
Yeah, you don't mind, yeah.
You know, it was more like, you know, One Direction and stuff
I would listen to.
Yeah, yeah, I listen to that.
Because, you know, you could judge somebody a lot by their song list
on Spotify or whatever.
Oh, especially if you're, like, talking to somebody
of a younger generation.
Yeah.
That's the worst.
It's like, the other day I was talking to this younger girl
and I was like, so, you know, how's school going?
And it was, like, the oldest sounding thing that somebody,
you know, it just sounded like an old man question.
I know it.
And, you know, it used to be the bookshelves at home.
You would just put books in there to try to impress people.
Oh, yeah.
Or coffee table books.
Yeah.
You know, like, you put out a book on engineering or something.
Red Dawn, maybe, if you're having, like, a hot chick come over.
Yeah.
Oh, but, yeah, engineering.
Yeah.
I could see that.
And you hide all the Legos.
You hide all the shit that makes you look like who you are.
The scope, the gun scope, all that.
Yeah, you at least move it a few feet away from the window.
Yes.
Yeah, I think that's the thing.
I'll start thinking, like, okay, I don't want people to correlate.
Because people see two things in one space and then an idea comes, oh, okay,
there's a knife by the piano.
This guy is, you know, maybe he's writing, you know, a sequel.
He's the piano serial killer.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this guy, you know, he's just putting a D flat in everybody.
D sharp.
Yeah, D sharp.
Good call.
Yeah.
But, yeah, I, you know, I like to have a tidy house when people come over.
Some people don't really seem to care.
Yeah.
I mean, this stuff is everywhere.
And, you know, there's dog pee on the couch.
And you just think, man, am I just, like, overly tidy?
Or is this guy, like, overly sloppy?
Yeah.
Well, some people's houses have a very distinct scent.
Did you ever do that?
Yes.
You ever go to somebody's house and you're like, whoa, they don't realize how
bad their
house smells.
I know it.
I know it.
At least light a few candles, man.
Yeah.
But they don't know it.
They don't know it.
It's like body odor.
You know, they don't know it.
Some people don't know.
My son is 11.
And my wife is saying, did you put it on your deodorant this morning?
I think, what is she talking about?
He's 11.
He doesn't have body odor.
I don't smell anything.
Dude, look, I mean, I'm 38.
I'll smell an 11-year-old, you know, just to kind of get a buzz off their skin.
I feel like they have so many just natural.
Okay, now that's weird.
Okay.
That's weird.
You're right, actually.
And I just mean, like, in a sense, you know, you smell a baby and they just
smell like baby.
Oh, well, the baby breath is amazing.
When my son was, you know, eight hours old, up to, you know, a year, you just
put your mouth,
your nose in his face there and you smell him breathing.
There's nothing wrong with it at all.
You don't smell anything.
Oh, it's God's crystal meth, bro, coming right into your system.
I feel like.
What about cologne?
Do you wear cologne?
You know, this is a good topic, actually, because I feel like cologne is kind
of becoming extinct
a little bit.
Well, I have quite a collection in my drawer, I realized, from over the years.
Do you?
It's just like, I don't wear a lot of cologne.
Yeah.
But somehow, it's like guitars, I've kind of, you know, they've accumulated in
certain
areas of my house.
I don't collect it, but.
I can see, you just have a whole stack of guitars and you walk in the living
room.
A pile of them.
Really nice smelling guitars.
Yeah.
Put the mandolin over there, if you don't mind.
But I, you know, I'll open up the drawer.
Like, I remember when I went out one night and I opened the drawer, I said,
yeah, you know,
maybe we'll try a little of this on it.
And I open it up, put it on.
And I go out and I'm with a bunch of people.
Suddenly, somebody goes, oh my God, who's wearing a CK21?
I said, I don't know.
Maybe it's me, but I just took something out of the drawer.
That's crazy, because that's like a children's cologne.
Now, that's almost as bad as, now we're even, because I was smelling the 11-year-old
and
now you're wearing kids' cologne.
We had a guy in high school and he would take the cologne bottles and empty
them and he'd
fill them with liquor.
So then, yeah, and it was great because you had liquor, but you, it was like, I
mean, it
was like an, just like Estee Lauder gin, you know, like it was very, you couldn't
help
but get a little bit of the, you know, the perfume or the cologne in there.
Don't some people drink cologne, too, that have a real problem?
Yeah.
Yeah, people drink anything out of a kind of a bathroom, really.
You kind of go up the drawers.
It's like you start with like the rubbing alcohol and you move your way up
until you just
sip it on Ralph Lauren, you know?
The only, you know, positive thing about having a hangover in cologne is at
least your puke
will smell good.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Oh, damn.
That guy's a drunk, but man.
But you know what, Theo, sometimes I'll walk by somebody and I'll smell the cologne
or
the perfume and it'll hit me.
I'll tell you, oh my God, that smells great.
I don't want to ask the guy what he's wearing because, you know, or the woman
sometimes,
but I should just say, hey man, what are you wearing, man?
That smells really good.
I'd like to have that as my signature smell.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, that's a good, that's actually a good way to just go up to somebody and
say, hey
man, I would like to have that as my signature smell.
The other great thing is like when you perform somewhere and you know how
people say, you
know, this guy needs no introduction, then you come out or some comics don't
even have
an introduction, like, you know, Richard Pryor would just walk out on stage,
you know, people
know he's there.
Yeah, that's there.
Who else is it going to be?
I would like to have like a signature cologne set right before I come out, they
spray it
in the area, in the room and people go, that's Nealon, he's about to come out.
I like that, yeah.
Yeah.
It's just like they get the idea.
Yeah.
It's just popcorn and guitars or something.
You just associate that smell with Kevin Nealon.
That's not a bad idea.
Yeah.
Have you ever been to one of those 3D movie theaters where they have, they put
the smell
and stuff in the air and they shake the seats?
Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
You can do it like that.
Or the water, it's not 3D, I think it's called like 4D or something like that.
Oh, wow.
There's a, in the zoo in San Francisco, they have a thing where you can watch
the sharks
on screen and, you know, and they have water spraying out of the seats and
everything.
Really?
Yeah.
They even have a little jaw that'll bite a little piece out of your leg.
I know.
Yeah.
It's so cool.
It's so realistic.
There's blood everywhere, you know.
EMTs show up.
EMTs show up.
They haul you down to the hospital.
And it's an extra service fee, isn't it, for the EMTs?
Well, insurance usually covers it, but there are those instances where they don't.
But, yeah, I'm all about that.
I haven't done the visual reality thing yet.
Have you?
Yeah.
You are?
I have, actually.
Yeah, I went over to, they have actually, over at Fox, Fox Studios has a lab.
It's supposed to be like one of the best in the country.
And it is, man, it was mesmerizing.
I put on this, you know, you put on the thing, and then you put on the gloves,
too.
Yeah.
And they, you know, they turn it on and they, you know, you know, they tell you
that, you
know, God doesn't exist.
And then next thing you know, they cut the screen on, and I was in a forest.
I was in, I was in a forest, man.
I was in a really nice forest.
Does it smell like a forest?
No.
So, they didn't have any of that.
They didn't have any of your cologne in the air.
Actually, at one point, I was like, is Kevin Nealon in here?
So, maybe they did.
Is Kevin Nealon about to come out?
Yeah.
But they would have, you would hear something in the distance, and you would
see the leaves
move.
And then you're like, and then a gnome would like run up a little ladder.
That's cool.
And he was in a tree.
And then he's running from a bridge to a bridge.
And you can walk over to the tree, and you can, like, shake the little bridge
that he's
on, and he gets nervous.
And then you could open the doors.
Some of the trees, they could run from one to the other.
It sounds crazy.
See, this sounds like something that someone would have said in a psych ward
years ago.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You could open the little doors on the tree, move closer to the tree, and look
down in there,
and they'd have two little gnomes in there, like drinking beers or getting,
trying on clothes.
You could say something to them and get their attention.
Like, when I shut it off, I felt so disappointed with our natural existence.
Oh, see, that's what I worry about.
I get too addicted to the V