Name: Soulpository | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #169
Uploaded: 2019-01-28T14:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Soulpository | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #169' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Soulpository | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #169' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-28. Transcript available.

Soulpository | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #169

Oh, yeah. It's Monday. It's Tuesday. Whatever day. It's whatever day. Who cares,
man? You know what I'm saying? The sun. Is the sun up? Or is it not up? Are you
alive? That's really where you got to start. Am I alive? Okay. Then, well, let's
go.
A little bit of Stevie Starlight.
A little bit higher than a mountain. Set me free. Just don't say goodbye. It's
you and me. Enjoy the destination. Fantasy.
Fantasy. Fantasy.
Painted on the wall. Painted on the wall.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
Why must we wait when we are alive?
Man, this is it.
You got nine pints of blood in your body, then you're ready to rock.
You're alive.
You are alive.
And that, is it nine pints?
I don't even know what it is.
Producer Premature Nick is in here with me today.
What's going on, Theo?
Not much. How much blood is in the body, Nick?
Nine pints sounds a little light to me, if I'm going to be completely honest.
Really?
Not much blood.
Yeah, maybe, well, yeah, if you got, well, don't overdo it.
If you got 12 pints in your body, then I think you're greedy.
But I think, maybe, I guess 10 pints seems like a good amount to have.
1.5 gallons.
So that equals...
Oh, now you're getting British.
Now you're getting British on me.
Let's see, that is...
12 pints, you were very close, I was rocked.
Really?
Yeah, I thought it was just...
I would have said hundreds, I don't know.
Oh, no, that's not...
Well, nine pints isn't that...
I mean, if you only have nine, you're supposed to have 12.
I mean, you're going to have kind of a squishy handshake, I feel like.
Yeah.
Like, damn, uh...
Damn, buddy, you feel like...
Your hand feels kind of malleable.
You know?
I think you might be a little light on the blood.
You know, I notice a lot of people have different...
People are getting so unused to shaking hands anymore that there's a lot of...
There's a lot of, um...
Weird, uh...
You know, a lot of unique hand moisture I'm finding out there.
Because, you know, on the road, I'll shake a lot of hands.
And so you shake a hand, a man hand, and sometimes a cold...
Somebody have a real cold hand.
I'm like, damn, bro.
You dead, man?
Dude, you might want to, uh...
See where you...
Are you living in a coffin?
Because you seem a little...
You feel a little dead.
Or you'll have somebody have a real wet hand.
There's one guy, I tried to shake his hand, I couldn't even get a grip on it.
It just kept sliding right out of my hand.
And finally, I was just like, ugh.
Let's just don't be friends, bro.
You gotta show up with at least semi-dry hands, I think, to a handshake.
What the fuck do I know?
Thank you guys for being here with us today.
I just got back from Dallas.
And it was a good time, man.
I had...
Well, what was your weekend like, Nick?
It was super fun.
So I've got two older sisters, and one of them has visited out here many times.
You met her, Natalie.
She's the one that has the colonics business.
So, yeah.
And colonics, that's washing out people's butt.
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Well, speaking of colonics, dude.
Go on.
So they were out here?
Very quickly, I would love to get to film you getting your...
You getting a colonic from my sister.
I think we could...
That would be super fun.
Dang, dude.
It almost seems like incest, I feel like.
If it was me, for sure.
Well, if you're in the room when it happens, dude, and your sister's giving a
guy a colonic, then that is...
How is that not incest?
I would way rather kiss my sister than be in the room when she's washing out
the inside of somebody's butt.
That's fair.
That's fair.
But you know, it is kind of funny that they don't make like a butt gargle or
something that we can use as humans.
Mm-hmm.
If it's up top on the front hole, we don't do a lot on that back end.
That's true.
But now we got bid elegance.
Well, that is true.
And we'll talk...
Look, well, it's a perfect way to get in one of our sponsors from our small
business.
We'll get right into it.
This is a small business.
A happy little accident right there.
Yeah, this is a happy little accident.
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Now, some people are wondering, well, what are you talking about?
And well, I'm going to tell you.
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Do you know that European royalty have long used bidets to cleanse themselves
after using the restroom?
While the bourgeois have used dry, ineffective toilet paper and never truly
been cleaned.
So you're talking about decades and centuries of just real soiled bottoms, you
know?
Dirty bottoms.
DBs, they call them.
Until now, things have changed and that's bedelegance.
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with the convenience or convenion of toilet paper.
You apply bedelegance, you get a hit of this bedelegance.
And you apply that moisturizing cleansing foam to toilet paper
and it turns that dry clean of toilet paper into that wet clean.
And you can get your privates.
So if you have privates, everybody has privates mostly.
Unless you were in the war or something.
Or unless, you know, you had a bad incident with some caulk.
Then everybody has privates.
And bedelegance can help.
It's better than dry toilet paper.
It's better than wet wipes.
It is more cost effective.
It's anti-inflammatory.
Praise God.
It's soothing.
It keeps your hands dry.
It does not harm sewer systems.
And it's eco-friendly.
Right now, bedelegance is available on Amazon.com with free shipping.
That's B-I-D-E-L-E-G-A-N-C-E on Amazon.com with free shipping.
Bedelegance.
Get that bottom cleaner.
Speaking of, dude, I'll tell you who could use that.
I was on the plane.
So I'm on the plane to Dallas.
And man, there is somebody just puffing butt out into the air.
You know?
Somebody just doing, you know, body gas.
And I don't...
Look.
I don't mind smelling one or two.
You know, I'm human.
You know, hell, I'm even a little curious, you know?
I don't mind, you know, being like, you know, playing a little game of who done
it in the air.
If somebody, you know, tooting, you know, or doing, you know, body gas.
You know, puffing out their butt.
But this dude, whoever...
This dude was just kept...
I mean, this guy was like a damn locomotive.
I mean, every minute and a half, it would just be just the air would feel soiled.
And at one felt...
At one point, the air felt hot in the air.
And I was like, "Damn, I'm close to this deal."
So I started, you know, snouting around.
And I got that big face piece, you know?
So I'll really...
I can absorb...
You know, I could smell a fucking...
Dude, I could smell somebody...
You know, I could smell somebody drinking a Sprite from probably about 60 feet
away.
So immediately, I was like, "Wow."
I smell around and it's the guy in front of me.
And it's just coming off and felt hot up there by him.
The air was probably two degrees warmer up there by him.
He's in the seat in front of me.
So finally, dude, after about the seventh time, I fucking woke him up.
He was asleep or pretending to be asleep and just farting.
And I woke...
I was like, "Bruh, dude, Dustin, you nasty, man."
I said, "You nasty.
You're being nasty out here.
All these people stuck in here and you over here doing that."
And he looked at me.
He was gonna maybe say, "Ah, that's not me."
And I said, "That's you.
That's gross.
That's gross.
You're an adult."
And bruh, he didn't do it anymore.
And I felt bad.
His wife was sitting right there by him.
And you could tell he's probably done it his whole life.
And his wife, you know...
She, at this point, tired of...
She got tired of speaking up about 13 years ago.
And this guy looked just like a damn sofa cushion at a frat house.
I mean, just fucking tattered.
You know, didn't really care about himself.
And look, I don't mind you drop a couple in the air.
You know, I'm not an air marshal.
Dude, I don't mind somebody throwing around a little bit of butt ices.
But when you hit hard like that and you're coming in 60, 70 times,
it just made me sad.
At a certain point, like it was personal.
Mm-hmm.
Does that make any sense?
Yeah, totally.
And you had to play the role of that social assassin.
You helped everybody out on the plane.
Oh, yeah.
I shut him down.
And I even told the dude next to me, I said, "Hey, bro, I'm going in."
I love it.
I said, "If I don't come back in about 30 seconds,
even though we're just sitting next to each other and I didn't move."
I said, "You know, come in and get me."
You're helping that guy out for his future.
He's gonna be able to make friends better.
I had to do that in this building we're in a couple times.
I've had to go number two in the toilet and I sit down there
and there's pee splattered all on the seat.
And I caught one guy.
He's standing up and peeing into the toilet with the seat down
and he walks away and then I sit in his urine.
I was like, "Hey, man, either use the urinal or lift the seat and then pee."
Did you say that?
I did.
Wow.
I've done two different people in this building.
I've told them to not do that.
And these are adults.
Yeah.
Wow.
And also, it made me look at myself
because I think I may be spending too much time in that bathroom.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
What are you doing in there?
Just breaks, you know.
Man, it sounds like you might be taking too many breaks, bro.
There's no windows in here, so.
Oh, that's true.
There is no windows in here.
Man.
But, uh...
So that's...
It was a bit much.
That's different from when you had your airplane boner
because your airplane boner, that's not bothering the people around you.
That you should just be able to have.
This guy is ruining the rest of the plane.
Yeah.
Look, if a boner...
Because that's the thing about gas.
It comes out of you and then it goes and bothers other people.
You know, it'll tap you on your fucking nose shoulders and then it's in your
brain.
And then you fucking...
Part of something that was inside of that man is inside of you now.
Mm-hmm.
And dude, that should be...
That should be illegal, really.
Because it should be illegal.
Imagine if I told you this.
I'm gonna take something out of the inside of my butt and put it in your nose.
You'd be like, "Fuck no, bro.
We're not doing that."
And that's what that man's doing.
But if a boner came off your body and went and hit people in the room,
then that would be, I think, obtrusive or intrusive.
Mm-hmm.
But anyhow...
But yeah.
Got down there to Dallas and...
What else happened down there?
Dude, oh, they had some psycho lady
trying to come get a cut of that fucking...
That baby's...
You know, daddy's body D, you know?
That air boner, you know?
That fucking frequent flyer.
Man, and this lady was a BSC, brother batshit crazy.
You know?
And she started saying that she thought people were talking to her
subconsciously through Instagram videos.
And I was like, "This is so bizarre, man."
So I had to avoid that pitfall.
And what else, man?
I don't know.
What else happened with you?
So you had family in town and what?
Yes.
I'm just tired, man.
I am exhausted.
Literally got in, you know, left at 6 a.m. from Dallas.
And landed here actually not too bad at like 8:30.
And then went home and took a nap for an hour.
But I probably got two and a half hours of sleep last night.
Jeez.
Which I'm not complaining.
It's just hectic, you know?
So what about you, man?
Yeah.
So I was saying, my sister Natalie, she's been out here a number of times.
The one with the colonics business.
But my other sister has yet, in my four years, she hasn't been out to L.A. yet.
So her and her husband flew out and they're leaving for a cruise on Monday.
But we spent some time on Saturday.
She's a huge Bravo television fan.
Oh, yeah.
She loves Vanderpump Rules.
So her big thing, we went to Sir Pump and Tom Tom, which are all like the same
owners
of that show.
It was all over my head.
I'm not familiar with it.
But she was very excited.
She met some Real Housewives.
Oh, really?
From which, you remember which city?
Yeah.
They were Dallas.
Oh, and I was in D