Name: Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #170
Uploaded: 2019-01-31T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #170' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #170' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-31. Transcript available.

Chris Distefano | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #170

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Today's episode, I'm joined by an old friend.
He and I spent countless hours barbing each other on the Opie and Jim Norton
podcast on SiriusXM over about a year and a half period.
He's one of the funniest young men that I know.
He's a father.
He's a father of a multiracial child.
And he's a beautiful man.
And he's doing unique things.
And I'm so happy to have him here with me today in studio.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chris DeStefano.
Wow.
Yes.
Long time no see.
What up, baby?
What up, man?
Yeah, cuz.
Dude, that's crazy.
You look beautiful.
You got an all blue one.
Do you wear blue a lot?
No.
Normally, I've been wearing sweatpants a lot.
But, you know, I'm flying home today.
So when I go back to New York, you know, you can't come off the plane in sweats
like that.
Really?
You know?
I mean, I guess you could.
But I just feel like, you know, I'm going home and then I gotta go right to see
my family.
Do you dress nice when you fly?
Do you dress?
Plus, I got a little penis.
You know that.
I've never seen your penis, dude.
What?
I've never sent you my dick?
I've never seen that one that when I put the team.
I will block you if you send me it.
I got one.
I thought I sent you one.
I'm trying to stay off porn.
I'm 43 days right now.
I got one where, you know, I send it out as my dick.
But it's actually just a television remote in my sweatpants.
But it looks like I have a fucking hog.
And when girls ask for a dick pic, that's what I send out.
And they think, like, they think I have the biggest dick ever.
And then when we finally do get to sex, you know, I got to turn all the lights
off and get them as wet as possible.
Suddenly, it's the Apple TV remote suddenly you got.
Yeah, because you think it's Files.
It's that Apple TV.
Yeah, I mean, a lot of.
Like, is this Fire Stick?
What is this little thing?
Do you want to say, it looks.
I do not.
Okay, all right.
Because it looks like a, I mean, it looks like a hammer.
Really?
Yeah, dude.
Like, what kind of, you said, like a small hammer?
It looks like, well, it's just a thick, it's a television remote in gray sweatpants.
But it looks like my dick.
Right.
It's easily, and I've sent it around.
And you've been sending it to women?
I sent it, well, if they ask me, I send it to women.
And then I send it to my boys.
My boys have it.
So there's a circulation.
That's my crew's dick pic.
I do not want to be one of your boys then.
Because I'm trying to do, I'm trying to make it to 44 Days of No Pornography.
I'm not losing my streak because you're going to send me a male dick.
Now, what's the thought process on that?
Why no porno?
I don't like it, man.
It's just too, it just makes me feel bad about myself.
So some of that's my own thing.
Right.
It makes me feel bad.
Right.
But then secondarily, I don't like, I don't like, you know, honestly, just
spraying out
of my own sink, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At a certain age, when you're young, it's fun, it's cool, it's exciting.
You're like, oh, how much of this is in my body?
Yeah.
But you get older, and you're like, oh, I'm still doing this.
I still don't have any groceries.
You know what it's like?
Yeah.
It's like, listen, as you get older, right, you only have a finite amount of
energy each
day.
Yeah.
I can't be using, and a lot of that energy is in your balls.
A lot of, you know, sperm is energy.
Yeah.
So it's like, you can't, like you said, be spraying it out unnecessarily when
there's shit
you got to do.
Like, I'm somebody's dad.
Right.
So it's like, I can't jerk off into my belly button anymore.
You know what I mean?
That's just shit I can't do anymore, because I got a kid to feed.
So it's like, the energy that I have has to be, you know, making sure her
homework's done,
watching her cartoons, getting on my career, right, going to the gym.
I can't be on Pornhub, you know, just whacking off into my belly button.
Wow, I never thought about that.
Yeah, if you're a dad, it must feel weird to jerk off then, does it?
Especially being a dad to a little girl, it's like, you know, I just want to,
you know,
I mean, there's still times where I'm just sitting alone and I flick around my
piece a
little bit and just, you know, whatever.
You know, if a little glue comes out, a little glue comes out.
But it's one of those things where it's like, I'm not actively looking to jerk
off.
Now I only jerk off.
Like, I've been out in LA for four days in a hotel room.
So it's like, that's usually when you pound your nuts the most.
And I haven't jerked off once.
Are you serious?
Not one time, man.
And it hasn't been like, it hasn't been a proactive, I'm not doing this.
It's just been like, I've been tired.
You know, I'll FaceTime my daughter.
And it's like, you know, when you're FaceTiming a three-year-old, like, you don't
jerk off for
a couple of days, man.
Thank God, bro.
You can't, bro.
Yeah.
You can't.
I should start doing that then.
I should start.
You'd be a great father, man.
Really, you think?
I think you should.
I think you should do it.
I really think you should do it.
Now, Woody, now you're out of wedlock.
You have a child out of wedlock.
I have a child out of wedlock, unfortunately.
And is that good or bad?
For me, personally, I think it's good.
And the kid doesn't like you.
I've seen her on Instagram.
The kid does not like me.
My daughter does not like me.
She doesn't think I got my special, you know, because I got it already.
Yeah.
And I played it for her, and for 45 minutes, she stared at the TV.
She just didn't, she didn't laugh once.
She didn't even play with her doll.
She didn't walk away.
She just looked emotionless at the TV.
I'll post that video when the special comes out.
Emotionless at the TV for about 45 minutes.
And then asked for some hamburger helper.
That's what it was.
Yeah, she does honestly sound like my kind of lady.
You know, stares blankly at the TV and then devours a little bit of hamburger
helper.
Yeah, she wanted, she was like, Daddy, can we get some hamburger helper?
Definitely a date that I could do.
But I've seen her on your Instagram, she never likes you.
You take her to school.
I do everything, man.
I can't be any more involved of a father than I am.
If she's a child, how old is she?
She's three and a half years old.
Oh, wow.
And so she's half Puerto Rican, half Italian.
Yeah.
And her mom is a great lady.
Her mom's a great lady.
I love and support.
Don't give her any matches, bro.
She'll fucking burn that shit out.
I love and support her mom.
It just didn't work out with us romantically.
Yeah.
But we're very good co-parents.
And I think, you know, when you asked me before, is that I think it's better to
have my child
raised around actual real love and two people that really love her as opposed
to seeing two
people who are like being half shells of themselves because they don't really
love each other.
You know what I mean?
It's so funny you say that, man.
I was just texting.
I'd been seeing this gal and we separated and then we were just texting
yesterday and it
was like, you know, maybe sometime we would just have a child, you know?
You should do it.
Just like, because I know that she would be a loving parent.
Like, that's the thing.
I even made, I remember years ago, I remember I made a deal though with a girl
and it was
like, hey, if I 30, we don't have any kids, we're going to have a kid.
And then I remember like 30, like the night I turned 30, like 1201 a.m.
I get a text and she's like, what's up?
She remembered.
Yeah.
And I was like, ah, you know?
You know what I feel like having a child has done for me big time?
Is it, she saves me, my daughter saves me in many ways from like the tough
things that
we go through in our career.
Like if we don't, if we go out for an audition and don't get something or we
have a pilot doesn't
get picked up.
I don't wallow in my sorrows.
I don't drink.
I don't commiserate with my boys.
I don't say, fuck them, fuck that.
It's like, I, I, that energy, I get, I'm sad for a few minutes about it, but I
got, my
daughter saves me in a sense like she doesn't care.
Like when I had a pilot with CBS and it didn't get picked up and I auditioned
for that
pilot.
I remember.
And I didn't get in it.
And he didn't.
Well, thank God you didn't get in it.
Cause now it's in the fucking toilet.
Jesus Christ.
Piece of shit.
It's all Les Moonves' fault.
Oh God.
Yeah.
Didn't he get busted for touching somebody?
Yeah.
And it's like, you know what, man?
If you would have picked up my show, you would have the protection of the Stefano
family
in this recent troubles.
But now you're out on your own, player.
Yeah.
You're out there.
Yeah.
So, so, um, you know, when that shit happened, I remember I told her she was
two at the time
and I was like, cause I, it was like my whole world came down.
I was like, oh, I'm sorry.
You know, daddy's thing that he was doing out there, it didn't get picked up
and, you
know, apologizing to her, which was silly.
You know, I didn't, but, but all she said was, you know, at the end, she let me
finish.
She was like, let's watch Mickey Mouse.
And then, so she was hearing me and, you know, didn't, she's two years old.
So like, she has nothing to respond to.
She was like, look, basically what I got from that is like, she was like, you're
my dad.
I don't care what you're doing.
If you're here, I want to watch Mickey Mouse with you.
Like, that's what's important to me.
So don't apologize to me for not getting a TV show on the air.
Like, I don't care.
And I feel like biologically, my daughter saves me from that.
And it also helps me with, with conserving my energy.
Like, I don't give energy to stuff that's silly, like going back and forth with,
in a
text fight or Instagram fight or, or, or like I said, wallowing in my sorrows.
It's like, I don't, I can't, man.
I got to give my energy to raise my daughter.
Right.
So biologically, I think a child has saved me because at first my peers were
like, when
all this shit first happened, like, you're dumb, man.
I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have that baby.
It's going to, it's going to, and it's all, all of a sudden is, is enhanced my
career.
Wow.
That's all it's done is enhanced.
Anything that I've gotten, I own a home now.
Oh, you look nice.
You used to wear hockey jerseys and shit.
Dude, I used to wear fucking hockey.
Bro, remember when we used to fight on Opie?
You ever seen those fights on Opie when he said, I look Dutch?
And then I told him, he looked like Eileen Wuornos, the first female serial
killer.
I was actually, I was actually looking at the comments on the YouTube ones.
A successful female serial killer too.
I was looking at the comments once.
Oh my God, dude, I was getting fucking crushed by your fans.
Yeah.
They hated me, bro.
They hated me.
Did they?
Oh my God.
They were like this fucking bum.
They were crushed.
You literally won that fight.
Bro, you look like a skinhead that's afraid to go all the way, bro.
I'm talking about, like, if you look at the first 100 comments, 80, 95 of them
are like,
Theo rocks.
And then five of them are like, Chris is good, but he still seems, he still
sounds deaf.
You said I look like a deaf guy that goes to the gym.
Oh, dude.
It's hilarious, bro.
You look