Name: Looking for Keys in My Subconscious | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #171
Uploaded: 2019-02-05T00:37:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Looking for Keys in My Subconscious | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #171' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Looking for Keys in My Subconscious | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #171' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-05. Transcript available.

Looking for Keys in My Subconscious | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #171

Sorry we're late. We're late. Dude, I hate being late, man. I hate being late,
but I'm always late.
Dude, I'm late for everything. Dude, when you show up late, you gotta make up
for it.
I think that's one of the reasons I kind of, maybe when I was young, that I
became like kind of, you know, gregarious or out.
God, everything's going wrong today.
I think that was one of the reasons why I became like, like you had to develop
a person, you know, you had to develop like, you know, be, you know,
entertaining to people or because you were late.
Dog, if you're late, bro, you fucking better make people happy fast, man.
You know, like I just, because you have to get there and be like, oh, you know.
You guys got here early and they're like, fuck, no, we didn't.
You're late, motherfucker.
And, but anyway, well, sorry I'm late, dude.
But let's see if I can make it up to you.
Thank you guys for your patience.
Let's see what's going on.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
Celebrate all your way.
All of your demons exercised.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
There you go.
And that is Celebrate.
That is the, uh, that's the Spencer Jacob Grau band.
G-R-A-U.
And, uh, and that's a wild last name, Grau.
You know?
Some people, you know, we used to have a boy with us named Danny Boom.
The last name was Boom.
Some people's names, there are sounds.
Their last names might be sounds.
You know?
Or even their first name might be Pop.
We had this old dude, uh, used to coach T-ball.
And his name was Pop Jorgen.
Pop Jorgen.
And he was, uh, his first name was a sound.
You know?
Pop.
Boom.
Danny Boom.
You know?
Uh, Larry Splat.
They had the Splats.
He used to live about four blocks down from us.
Larry Splat and his family.
And the funny thing about them was, they were real, real thin.
So, it almost seemed like they'd fall, the whole family had just fallen off of
something.
Just landed and kind of just, you know, Larry Splat.
Like that.
But, so some people have sound names.
And that, that man who made that song for us is one of those.
Maybe Spencer Jacob Grau.
Even though it's, it's G-R-A-U.
So, that's probably Dutch, I think.
And, um, it's not Growl.
You know?
We used to have this, uh, we had a teacher when I was in.
In seventh, sixth grade or something.
Named Barb Growl.
And, uh.
And that's, so that's an interesting last name.
Barb, you know, last name Growl.
Miss Growl.
Because it sounds, especially when you're a kid.
If you hear that your teacher next year is going to be Miss Growl.
You're like, Growl.
That's scary.
That's scary.
That's like, you know.
Who's your teacher?
Miss Murder.
Miss Donitra Murder.
You're like, damn.
I got Miss Murder and Miss Growl.
I am fucked.
But yeah, sometimes people can have an interesting first name or last name.
Pop.
Larry Splatt.
Don, uh, uh, Danny Boone.
Latisha Murder.
No, Donnie, uh, I forgot that lady's name.
Um, Barb Growl.
Interesting names.
Man, I'm, you know, I get in with some of these fits sometimes, man.
I came in a fit today.
I don't want to talk to anybody.
I don't want anybody fucking looking at me.
I don't want nobody touching me.
Dude, sometimes you don't, dude, I feel bad for the person that touches you
when you don't want somebody touching you.
There's probably about, usually, 30 minutes in my week where I don't want
nobody touching me, yeah?
Don't touch me.
And somebody, some fucking grabby McFuckin' Recherson will touch me.
And don't.
I turn into fucking Barb Growl real quick, boy.
I start just Barb growling at people.
And I'll turn into fucking Miss Dontisha Murder.
Don't even do that, boy.
Or I'm going to Larry Splatt your ass.
Donnie, boom.
Donnie, boom.
That's when I lose it, bruh.
That's when I lose it.
And today was one of those days, man.
I came in here.
Everything was fucking, you know.
The studio's all a mess.
It just looked like a damn trap house.
It's just, you know, and it just, I came in and I just wasn't in a good mood.
But it didn't help.
That was the problem.
I didn't try to help the scenario.
I just kind of complained at Nick.
And, you know, I just, whatever.
You know, that's where I'm at.
That's where I'm at.
But I'm grateful to be here today to at least get that off my chest and just
say what's going on.
And I had a long night.
You know, I had a long night, man.
The, you know, I like, here's one thing I look forward to at nighttime.
I look forward at nighttime.
Oh, just to finish my thought from earlier.
If you are late, then you have to have some semblance of communication, really.
You know, you have to develop, I think people that are late can sometimes
develop the ability to be entertainers.
Because you have to make up for your absence.
You know, you got to cut a couple of jokes or do something, you know, tickle
somebody's ass a little or do something, you know.
You got to fucking, you know, lightly pin, you know.
You got to whistle it on the back of somebody's neck real softly.
Just, boy.
Fucking hailing calves off the back of somebody's fucking upper lumbar, dog, on
that neck.
You blow on somebody's neck, boy.
My God, boy.
Make that cartilage, make a lot of cartilage show up in my wiener suddenly.
If somebody, you blow on my neck, boy.
Make a lot of cartilage show up in my wiener area.
But this is what I'm saying here.
Is that I had a long night.
And I look forward to nighttime, bro.
Dude, look, I look forward to nighttime because I get to rest.
And I get to dream.
And I like doing those things.
So here's what happened to me.
I had a dream that my fucking neighbor.
And let's be honest.
A neighbor is just somebody who bothers you that's close as fuck.
That's where I'm at today.
I'm just fucking.
I just want to make sounds like that.
Larry's flat.
Barb growl.
That's how I'm feeling.
So my neighbor, I had a dream.
And my neighbor lost their car keys.
And wanted me to help look for them.
So I'm all ready to have a dream, you know.
But in the dream, not in real life.
In my dream.
But dude, I spent my whole dream helping them find their fucking keys.
Their car keys.
And here was the worst part.
At the end, they had sold their car somehow.
You know how dreams are.
Suddenly, something just fucking happened, you know.
You know how dreams are.
You'll be in a dream.
You'll order a glass of lemonade.
Next thing you know, you're fucking, you know.
You're on Mount Rushmore.
It's like, so this whole night, my entire night, I'm helping my neighbor, whose
apartment smelled like liver and onions, I'm helping them look for their car
keys.
Then, finally, I can't even remember if we got them or not, but they realized
that they had sold their car.
So that was my whole, so that's my night's sleep.
So not only, you know, and I woke up probably four or five times.
So not only did I not get the rest I wanted, but the dream I'm getting, I have
to work during it.
I had to work during my whole dream helping somebody look for car keys to a car
they sold in a vast expanse of liver and onion smell.
And man, so I showed up today and I was just kind of chirped out.
I was kind of chirped out.
So that's where I'm at, dude.
I like to have a dream where I can relax, you know, have a pineapple pop, have
a, you know, a couple of maybe, you know, some cheesy breads or something.
Chill out.
Go on a plane ride, but like a real slow plane that's calm, calm, calm, calm,
calm, calm, a calm plane.
So that's what I like.
But if I got to stay up all night in my dream, I got to be dreaming that I'm
fucking looking for your keys and you ain't even got a fucking car, you animal.
Then that makes me mad.
I feel like I got taken advantage of a little bit.
So that's where I'm at.
I'll give you a little update on life on my side.
Oh, I saw Gerard Butler this weekend again at the comedy store.
And he was super nice, man.
He talked about, we chatted after the show for a little bit.
And I've seen him before here and there.
We have a mutual friend and he had lost his house.
He had lost his Malibu home in the fire, in one of the fires out here.
And he was telling me that, you know, he was upset.
It was obviously devastating.
But that, you know, suddenly he had to get a new place.
And right around the same time, he and his girlfriend had split up.
And so suddenly his house is gone.
His girlfriend is gone.
And he had to rent a new house.
And, you know, obviously he's blessed to be able to have the ability to, you
know, just rent a new house.
But he just said, you know, he had kind of a positive attitude.
He said, you know, it's just like he kind of got forced into like a new
experience.
And he was just kind of rolling with the punches.
Um, so I thought it was just kind of an interesting take on, you know, on a
real tragedy.
But, uh, but that was interesting.
I saw him at this comedy store this weekend.
I had an eye infection all weekend or, you know, we're shooting the pilot last
week.
And I'm going to put some clips up on Patreon today from, and some images from
the pilot shoot.
But we're shooting the, um, this comedy central pilot, which is based on the
podcast.
How awesome is that?
Man, I'm so grateful.
I couldn't, it's based on the podcast.
So the podcast, you know, it's people that have called into the podcast, you
know, wanting
to talk about an issue that they're dealing with or sharing something that's
going on in
their life or expressing concern for a friend or family member.
And now we are taking those calls and meeting with those people in real life
and going out
and helping find, um, not solution because I don't know, you know, I don't
really have
any solution, but helping be a part of their lives.
Um, and just letting those people know that I care and that somebody cares and
that we care,
you know, so that's really, really cool that now, you know, this community that
we started
here, it could potentially be a show, you know, it could potentially be a real
show.
So, and there's a couple episodes and that's called man up that are on YouTube,
but now we're
making a few more and we got some good stars in Joey Diaz, Coco, cocksucker.
He came out and helped out with me and him gotten a sweat lodge, um, and, uh,
and who else?
John Lovitz, you know, he came out, um, who else?
We might have Jim Jeffries.
We've got to do one more episode, but anyhow, the makeup, they had a makeup
lady working the
first day and she, I mean, one thing I like about whoever does that, if I work
on a, on
a project or I say project, like I'm some kind of fucking actor, if I work on
one of these
deals, bro, and they, what I like is the person that does the hair or the
makeup, if they have
a good energy and a fun vibe, then that really starts my day off well, because
if you, whenever
you go on a set on one of these, on a set of a taping, you know, the first
person you
go see is hair and makeup, you know, and hair, damn dude, good luck with this,
with this
fucking, this straight up, man, this shit is a straight up, my shit's getting
Brazilian,
dude, my shit is getting straight up Amazonian, I mean, I'm gonna be selling
weed on the beach
soon, um, but the first, the first thing you do, you go to the hair and makeup
chair, so,
and if that person has a fun energy and a good energy and shit, then it's great,
the day
is great, you know, because that lifts you off.
So, anyhow, the makeup person was just, to me, was kind of dull, and, but even
worse
than that, whenever they were putting makeup around my eyes, and look, dude,
don't look
at me like I'm wearing a bunch of makeup, man, I don't wear makeup, you know,
the only thing
I've ever had on my face most of my life is acne, when I was young, acne or my
big nose,
outside of that, bruh, that's the only thing you find on my face, except maybe,
you know,
a little bit of chocolate around my mouth if I have, like, a chocolate in a
hurry, and I'm
not being real careful.
So, so, anyhow, this lady was kind of dull, but I think one of the tools she
used to put
the makeup on 