Name: Howie Mandel | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #172
Uploaded: 2019-02-07T14:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Howie Mandel | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #172' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Howie Mandel | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #172' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-07. Transcript available.

Howie Mandel | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #172

Today's guest is a young man and an adult man who has long been a confidant, an
inspiration, and a friend to me in this business.
He gave me my first job on television as a host of his hit show, Deal With It.
That was a hit, but also was not a hit, and we didn't get any more episodes,
but still we did good.
He's created countless amazing projects over the years, from Bobby's World to
The Voice and Gremlins.
He's a judge on America's Got Talent.
He's an amazing family man.
He really has been someone special in my life.
He's got a new special on Showtime.
It's his first in 20 years.
And his new hit show, Deal or No Deal, is back on CNBC.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Mr. Howie Mandel.
Shine, shine that light on me.
I'll sit and tell you my stories.
Shine.
Well, it's infusing electrolytes, apparently.
Oh, yeah, you look different.
10 calories, mango clementine.
Yeah.
Which also is the name of...
Which is like one of the candles.
Which is also a girl I used to date in middle school, too.
Mango clementine?
Yeah, dude, yeah.
Yeah.
She was a very unique lady, you know?
Oh, wow.
So, she bruised easily, though.
She bruised easily.
Really?
Yeah, I just saw her fall on the playground once.
Oh, okay.
Because, thank God you...
Yeah, no.
Right.
Because what you think bruising easily could be...
I'm screwed as.
And also, bruising easily sounds like a famous fighter, wasn't it?
Bruising easily?
Yeah.
That's a good name for a fighter, I guess.
I can set your coat somewhere, Howie.
Wow.
There's candles and then...
Look at me.
I know, dude.
No.
And you know what?
This is...
I love what you've done with the place.
Howie Mandel in the FDR biopic right here.
You think you could play FDR?
Do I look like FDR to you?
I think you have to put on some weight.
I know.
To be honest with you, I'm Canadian.
You know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So, I'm not...
I know who FDR was, but I'm not really familiar with this look being close to
an FDR look.
I don't know.
Oh, because of the wheelchair.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just thinking you seem like you're dialed in.
Oh, I see what...
There you go.
I can see it.
I got it now.
Thanks for coming, Howie.
Yeah.
The reason I put my coat on my lap is because when I do podcasts...
I pee.
Really?
Well, yeah.
Especially if I'm drinking.
Oh, we get you fully hydrated, too.
And that's why we got that plant right there, too, if you want to drop a little...
Which is another dueling scent.
Everything's about smells.
We got a lot going on in here.
You do.
Yeah.
Okay.
And we got Howie Mandel in here today.
Dude, thanks for coming, man.
Thanks for having me.
I'm a huge fan.
I'm a huge fan of you.
I'm a huge fan of you as a human, as a comic, and also in your love of hamsters.
Oh, thanks, brother.
Or guinea pigs.
Both.
We used to sell them.
No, I know.
Oh, yeah.
At concerts.
You told me.
You sold them at concerts.
You had truckloads.
Yeah.
50 to a truck.
That's the legal amount.
There is a number.
Oh, yeah.
50, no matter how big the truck is.
Oh, now, I don't know about that.
But 50, was that enforced to a base?
Like, did anybody come and count your hamsters?
You got 52 here, man.
You crossed the line.
I knew you were going to have to leave two on the roadside here, brother.
You know?
You're going to have to send two on their way.
No, we didn't see that.
What state is that a line?
That's in Louisiana, I think.
California.
How many hamsters are you allowed in a truck?
Probably one, and it better have a...
And it better...
It's probably going to have to be a service hamster, you know?
Which is not crazy now.
There was a woman I just saw a couple of weeks ago that took a service squirrel
on a flight.
And she's really upset that they took her service squirrel.
What calming effect could a squirrel have?
Yeah.
I get a hamster.
Hamster's nice.
But a squirrel is not a calming...
Are they a rodent?
Is a squirrel a rodent?
Oh, dude, look.
I mean, don't say it to their face, but yeah.
I'm always wondering because...
You ever have a squirrel run in front of your car?
Oh, yeah.
But it gets like halfway across the street, and then it's like, ooh, I forgot
something.
And then it runs, and it goes, nah, I don't need that.
And then it runs back.
Squirrels are probably the worst decision makers in the rodent world, I feel.
Oh, it's the Lord's anxiety.
Pardon?
Oh, it's Mother Nature's Tourette.
I mean, it's Mother Nature's anxiety, I feel like.
It's just like a, you know, it's like an embodiment of anxiety.
They seem like anxiety, don't they?
They really do, and they run back and forth.
Yet, they really focused on one food group, just nuts.
Yeah.
They just gather nuts.
Yeah.
And it's not, they made a decision there, but that's like the only decision
they made.
They're going up the tree, they're down the tree.
They're up the thing, they're across the road, back across the road, back
across.
They can't make any decision, but...
But nuts.
Dinner, like I'll say to my wife, where do you want to go?
She goes, I can't decide, you decide.
I go, why can't you be like a fucking squirrel?
Just make a decision when it comes to food.
Just nuts.
But my wife will go straight across the road without ever turning back.
So my wife is so much, to me, I love her more than squirrels.
Really?
I do.
Aww.
I do.
I could see that.
How is your wife doing, good?
I think she's fantastic.
Yeah.
I think she's fantastic.
40 years.
Wow.
40 years.
Not old, that's how long we've been married.
Yeah.
40 years.
And does it feel, do you still feel like...
Oh, that'll be a good shot.
Your partner in crime here, your producer, is taking an iPhone shot of us.
Yeah.
From above.
Oh, yeah.
Like he couldn't hold that higher.
We're in the same room, he stood up to take the picture.
Is this an edict from you?
That's how he does it, no.
No, you said I only look good from 90 degrees above us.
That's how we look.
But I mean, he's sitting above us, but he stood up.
I'm just saying, I don't mind that there was a picture taken, but he's taking
it from the
ceiling down.
He wants to see it all.
Yeah.
Normally, I get a better angle, but you brought your entourage here today, so I
don't have
as much room.
You did.
It's not an entourage.
These are your friends.
Are these people...
Hey, Rich.
Are these people filming you all the time now, Howie?
What's going on?
I thought they're filming you.
No, Mike Binder said they were here to film you today.
Mike Binder phoned me to tell me that you're a big part of his documentary.
Do you mind?
I hear you're doing Theo's.
Do you mind if the camera's here?
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So this is your...
It's weird to have an entourage that you're not even claiming.
Yeah, it's a non-entourage, dude.
It's not mine.
It's not mine.
So, yeah.
So it's...
That's why maybe entourage is French for people who wander in for no reason at
all.
Yeah.
Peeping Tom.
Are you here for Theo or are you here for me?
Both.
Equally.
Equally, right?
But you work with Mike Binder.
Yeah.
And Mike Binder is doing a documentary on the Comedy Store where we both work.
Right.
And you're a big part of the documentary.
You're a big part of the documentary.
I sat down with him.
Did you sit down with him?
I mean, I sat down with him.
So we did the exact same thing.
So he's the one that called me and said, I hear you're doing Theo's podcast.
Theo's a big part of this.
Do you mind if we have cameras?
I go, it's up to Theo.
This is Theo's podcast.
It's Theo's office.
This is Theo's entourage.
I got one guy named Rich there that's with me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I've seen Rich.
And you have the whole camera crew.
You got a guy who likes pictures from above.
I don't know them either.
Okay.
Well...
What's your names, guys?
Burt.
That's Burt.
Burt what?
So they're two guys named Burt.
Okay.
It's like Burt and Ernie, but there's no Ernie.
They're just Burt.
It's Burt and Burt.
It's twins, dude.
And I think twins, if you're twins, fight it to the death.
Figure it out.
You know what I'm saying?
Really?
The fact that there's two twins...
Yeah, figure it out.
What do you mean?
What are you saying?
I would love to have another...
No.
Really?
Dude, if you...
If they had two Howie Mandels, you wouldn't be able to stand it.
I would love it.
No.
What are you going to do?
Talk about multitasking.
No.
He's not going to do what you want him to do.
You know, I'm from Canada, and in Canada...
Do they have twins there?
Well, the legal rule is you can only have up to 50 Howie Mandels in a car.
I think that's the law.
I think that that's the law.
I could see that, dude.
Bro, if there's ever more than one Howie Mandel, I think the earth will stop
spinning.
Wouldn't you love to just fuck around with somebody that, like, just have a
good...
With somebody who is identical to you?
You don't think that would be, like, the ultimate prop for life?
I mean, if you could...
Now, seriously, if you could get them to do what you wanted to do.
But I have a...
Like, the way that everything's even in the world, kind of,
in Mother Nature and stuff, I think that they would...
They'd become this...
The dark...
You know, they'd be the dark side.
Do you know any identical twins?
Oh, yeah, dude.
It wasn't welcome.
Where I'm from, it wasn't super welcome, you know?
Really?
Oh, dude.
It's basically just, you know...
It's familial witchcraft, really, when you think about it.
When you think there's somebody who's going to look just like you,
they're going to eat like you, finish your sentences...
Oh, I wanted...
I wanted to be a twin.
I wanted to make twins.
You know how much time I spent with a...
I used to try to slice my sperm in half.
No, you didn't, really?
I tried.
I didn't know how...
I didn't know how these things came to be.
So I just wanted...
I would like to be a twin, have twins.
I think twins are cool.
Will you guys have any more children?
You have three children right now.
I have three children, and now the children are having children.
Yeah.
So my daughter, who had her second child, has just turned 13.
So we're trying to talk to her and tell her not to be so open and friendly with
everybody.
But you know what?
Grandchildren is the byproduct, and it's just a wonderful, wonderful thing.
It's a different time, man.
It really is.
It's so weird when your kids are having kids.
Is it?
It really is.
It's better.
Had I known how good it was going to be, I would have tried to...
Well, I couldn't.
I was going to say I would have done that first, but I did...
You can't.
Have more kids?
No.
Had grandchildren.
Straight to grandchildren?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
That would be amazing.
But I love...
Having grandchildren is my lifeblood now.
Yeah?
I like that.
Yes.
But my kids are old.
My kids are adults.
My kids are working and doing well, and that makes me happy.
Yeah?
Now, do the grandkids think that you are...
Do the grandkids think you're pretty cool?
How do they behave towards you?
They love me, and they think I'm cool.
It's my kids that don't think I'm cool.
Yeah.
You know, it's really weird, because I always assumed...
You know, my kids were born, and I was already in this...
When my first daughter, Jackie, who has a Jacqueline Schultz, Life with Jackie,
she has her own YouTube...
To which I've been on it before.
Yes.
Yeah.
She was born when I was already on a series.
So I always thought, in my mind, that if I was the child of somebody who was on
TV, or was touring, or was a comedian, I thought it would be cool.
But what I learned to realize is when you're born into it, that's just what it
is, and everything else is cool.
So everything else was cool but me.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
It's like, so yeah, whatever you're born, it just seems like from the outsider's
perspective, oh, that would be the cool way to be.
Right.
But like she would say, as a little girl, she would say, you know, the cars on
the freeway, you know, Josh's dad sells those cars.
Right.
I go, but I do comedy.
I know, but Josh's dad sells those cars.
You know, so she's...
When you grow up into it, just like you, you tell me about your life, and it's
no big deal.
You t