Name: Endless Pineapple | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #175
Uploaded: 2019-02-18T14:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Endless Pineapple | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #175' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Endless Pineapple | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #175' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-18. Transcript available.

Endless Pineapple | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #175

Oh, yeah. Let's go, huh? Let's get into it. It is Monday. It's Monday in the
universe. It's February 18th.
It's only two weeks till Mardi Gras. Can you believe that Mardi Gras is coming
up down there in New Orleans?
Well, I'm going to New Orleans. I'm going to go to Mardi Gras. Man, that's
coming up. I'm coming to Houston.
I'll be in Houston next weekend. We just added a Thursday late show for those
real humor hitters.
If you like to take your funny bones out at night and let the fucking dark
winds hit them, then bring them out there Thursday, that 10 p.m. show.
Bring them out there to daddy, and I'm going to do something naughty with them.
I'm happy, man. I hope you're happy today. I mean, I'm happy, and I'm sad, and
I'm okay, and I'm not okay,
and I'm trying my best, and I'm asking for help when I need it, and I'm alive.
This is life, and I'm trying to live it, and that's it, boy.
Let's get into it.
Mother, may I open my eyes.
There's a great big world waiting right outside.
Mother, may I raise my voice.
Do we the people have that choice?
Mother, may I rest my head.
Though I did not try my best.
Man, that's a powerful line right there.
Mother, may I sip the wine.
Though I did not tend the vine.
Though I did not tend the vine.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
You can come for me.
Oh, dear.
There you go right there.
There you go right there, and that is Evan Bartles' The Devil, God, and Me.
Oh.
That's a fact, man.
Look, sometimes I put that song on because I need to be brought into a, just a
zone.
I need to get into my own zone here.
You know, I need to feel inside of my skin.
That's how I need to feel.
And Evan Bartles does that for me.
And that is called The Devil, God, and Me.
Mother, may I lay my head.
Is that what he says?
Though I did not try my best.
Mother, may I rest my head.
Mother, may I lay my head.
Though I did not try my best.
That's pretty, I mean, that's asking for, you know, asking for your moms to,
you know, cut you some slack, even though you didn't, you know, do the best you
could.
And that is really the bullet, the, a gift of a mother.
You know, they get to say, yes, you can.
You know, you can.
Even if you have not done your best, you know, I, I, it's okay for you to, to,
you know, I will be here for you.
I will watch over you while you find comfort, while you find peace, while you
get some rest, you know.
This shit got, got a little bit of emo and a little Dr. Seuss at the same time.
Dude, I got to tell you guys, so, um, dude, I met Sean Payton last night.
And Sean Payton is the man who did, coached the New Orleans Saints.
And he was last night, he was at the comedy store in Los Angeles.
And I'm about to leave and I did my sets and I'm about to walk out the back and
somebody goes, hey, Brian.
And I'm like, huh?
And they're like, hey, Brian, you know, Sean Payton and Alvin Kamara's in the
back room.
And I was excited, first of all, I was excited.
And then I didn't know what to do.
I was like, do I go back there?
Am I that dude?
What do I do?
It was late.
I was tired.
I was on my way home to leave.
And I went back.
And Sean P was back there with a couple of, um, a couple of New Orleans fans
that work at the comedy store as well.
They got a bartender there named Punky Johnson and another young man, or it
could be man or woman, young, you know, tribunal or whatever it's called, uh,
Josh, Josh Martin.
And, uh, and Sean Payton was there and he'd been having some liquor, you know,
he was there with his daughter and his lady and he'd been having some liquor
and, um, and he was just having fun.
He was very friendly, extremely kind or friendly, outgoing, gregarious,
engaging with everybody.
Uh, he was having fun.
You know, I mean, he was out here visiting his daughter.
I guess she lives out here.
And so she was, uh, he was visiting her and she was there.
And, um, and yeah, it was nice.
It was nice to just, you know, I got to meet him and, you know, he was asking
this, I was asking him what they were doing this weekend.
And he told me different things and, you know, we're just talking about things
to do in the area, just pretty much small talk.
And I wanted to ask him so badly about why didn't you run the ball at the end
of the game?
You know, when you know, you know, that time when you could have run the ball
in the NFC championship and got us to the Super Bowl very recently.
But I didn't ask him.
I just said, I'm gonna let it go.
Cause what can I do?
You know, it's still, it's no matter what I asked or what I said, it wasn't
going to adjust.
The pain I had, it wasn't going to adjust the past.
It was just going to be for me to, I mean, maybe I could have gotten an answer
from him.
That would have been nice, but I didn't do it.
So what else, man?
And then I was going to go back in and get a picture with him and I didn't.
Now that I kind of respected myself on cause I said, I'm gonna go get that
picture, you know, go show everybody I was with Sean Payton.
But then I said, you know what?
You know, I love, I love the New Orleans Saints, but I am still getting over
some of my angst towards the coaching and the choices they made.
So I'm not going to go get that image.
I'm not going to go get that and say this thing and then, and actually in
hindsight, be this way, you know?
So, uh, anyway, whatever.
I mean, most people wouldn't have fucking thought twice about it, but you know
me, uh, just never stopped thinking about shit.
What's up, what's up, um, what's going on this past weekend?
That was about the wildest thing that happened, really, was running into Sean
Payton's.
And I, uh, what else?
Oh, I washed my hair a little while ago.
I'm going to Houston this weekend.
We just added another show, that Houston late night hitter, that 10 o'clock.
So that'll be fun.
As well, coming up real quick, I'm just going to tell you about three or four
shows we have.
Uh, um, we have Boston.
We got that extra show in Boston at the Chevalier Theater.
And that is in Medford, Massachusetts, Thursday, March 7th.
And then Caroline's on Broadway.
And that is May 3rd and 4th in New York City.
And Saturday, um, March 9th.
That is in the Borgata in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
So those are some March and May shows.
Australia was announced last week.
And no joke, I think all of the tickets have sold out except for Perth.
Yeah, we sold like 5,000 tickets or something.
So, man, thank you guys so much.
I can't even, um, I mean, I'm scared a little.
I'm a little worried.
You know, I have this big, you know, sometimes you're like,
oh, I wonder if I meet this person, if they'll like me.
And now I'm like, oh, I wonder if, uh, all of these people will like me.
Um, so that's a little scary.
It is because I'm, you know, I'm like, will they understand my jokes?
Will they, you know, will they, you know, I guess really the bottom line thing
I'm thinking is, will they like me?
You know, and I guess that's everybody's fear about everything.
Will they like me?
Will I be okay?
Am I okay?
Uh, so we're going to, we're going to find out on a mass scale.
There is a chance we're going to add some more shows.
Um, there is a chance.
Some were presented to me and, uh, and we're going to talk to the man this week,
the promoters over there and see what we can make happen.
Um, so there's a possibility, but thank you guys so much.
Dude, I'm gonna get down there and down under and that's danger area.
If you don't know about Australia, it really is a great place to not be alive
anymore.
They have seven or eight of the world's most poisonous snakes live in Australia.
So think about that.
All of the poisonous snakes, except for one who must be a real asshole.
If he can't even get along with other poisonous snakes lives in Australia.
That's right.
They have one snake there, the Australian Brown snake.
He's like the Bill Cosby of snakes.
This dude will slip.
I mean, this dude will fuck you up.
You know, he got just, you know, he's just like a long little,
little bitty brown quaalude and he just bite, you know, he got that, that raper
bite.
But think about that, that eight of the nine world's most poisonous snakes live
in Australia.
So that means one, there's one snake that must be such a piece of shit, a piece
of shit that other snakes cannot get along with him or that he cannot get along
with other snakes and he had to leave.
It's baffling, absolutely baffling, but they got everything about the shit they
got in.
I mean, Australia is that wild place.
They got a kangaroo.
Kangaroos are the Muhammad Ali of the animal kingdom, right?
They fist fight on the internet.
You don't see no other animals, fucking fists fighting on Vimeo like you do to
these kangaroos.
That's Australia, bro.
Because what you don't know, a lot of people don't realize Noah's Ark.
Noah's Ark came from England or, yeah, and landed in America.
And a lot of the animals got off.
But some of the animals, they've been, you know, smoking weed and doing brotheling,
you know, doing sex down there, selling, you know, selling a little bit of that,
you know, that body crotch.
And they stayed on the boat.
So Noah's Ark went to, it went out, it went out again because it didn't have
all the fees, the docking fees long term.
So it hit the waters again, ends up in Australia.
That's when all these bootleg animals start rolling off the thing.
They got a, you know, suddenly, you know, they'd had a, um, like a hyena and a,
uh, and a, like a marmoset had had a baby and that's how the kangaroo happened.
And that bitch hopped right off and started fight, fucking fighting people
right at the dock.
And then they had other, they had the great white shark.
That bitch swam off the back, 19 feet long, just eating people, just eating
people, making sandcastles, swimming right up on the beach and just snacking on
children.
So that's a wild thing that people don't know.
Them koalas, bruh.
Dude, have you ever seen a koala bear?
Dog, a koala, bruh?
All they do all day, they eating that leaf, poppy.
They just hot.
They are the snoop dog of the animal kingdom.
You feel me?
Them koala bears are, they're basically, they're the chief keef of the animal
kingdom.
Them bitches always just snacking on that green.
And sometimes they'll have a video, they get so hot, they just fall right out
the tree.
They can't handle it.
Because their hands, their arms get so much weed in them.
Go play this game with your friend.
Go play this game, it's called chandelier.
You hang your buddy, you have him hold on to something.
Like a tire swinger, just a piece of rope in the yard.
Have him keep getting high.
See how long he can hold on.
Boy, your arms, when your arms get too much weed in them, they can't hold
anything.
And that is just really, I mean, that's, I don't know if all that's in the
Bible, but it should be.
But yeah, man, that is Australia.
They got, think about it, dude.
If you want to lose, a lot of guys these days, they're trying to get rid of
their spouse.
A lot of men, you know, or lesbian women, they're trying to get rid of their
wife.
They'll take them down to Cancun on one of these cruise vessels.
And they'll get out there and just, you know, they're eating, doing the
pineapple at the buffet.
Because some of the buffets, boy, they got endless pineapple.
And I'll tell you right now, the weight of my heart is through endless
pineapple buffet, son.
You fucking roll me up on a buffet.
And I just see just endless amounts of them little freaking orange Cuba Kyles,
bro.
Come on, boy.
That's fucking Mother Nature's dice, bro.
Like she rolling fucking, just rolling, just rolling yellows in the street.
That's them freaking, them pineapple Cuba Kyles, baby.
I'll eat them bitches all day.
Endless pineapple.
Come on, boy.
That's that Hawaiian suppository, dog.
I put one in each jaw and one in that fucking back jaw.
I love endless pineapple.
And I can smell pineapple on a woman's breath even almost a century ago.
If her grandmother had pineapple, I'll smell that shit.
You feel me?
If your grandmother had pineapple, I