Name: Shirt's Too Short | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #179
Uploaded: 2019-03-04T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shirt's Too Short | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #179' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shirt's Too Short | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #179' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-04. Transcript available.

Shirt's Too Short | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #179

Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard, on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
Let's get in here with a little Bishop Gunn.
I ain't seen home in about a hundred days.
I can almost hear mama pray for my restless soul.
And I ain't made a dollar, I ain't spent, but where it's going ain't killed me
yet.
I still get where I'm bound to go.
I'm making it, I'm making wrong feel right.
I'm making it, and if hell's where I'm headed then, I'm making good time.
You know what man, that's a little too slow for me at the moment, dude.
Let me back out of that one.
And let's just get right into that hitter.
I want to get a harmonica, don't you?
I want to get a harmonica, don't you?
We should get one.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Come on.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's
been blown.
Don't be too cool to sing with it, man.
Come on.
Get out of that.
Let's go.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.
I found I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little time for me
to set that parking
brake and let myself on wine shine that light on me.
Come on now.
I'll sit and tell you my story, shine on me, and I will find a song, I will
sing it just
for you.
That is Shine by Bishop Gunn.
And you know what?
Those boys are touring Europe right now.
I think about that.
I think about, you know, a couple of long-haired ne'er-do-wells and decently-do-wells
trolloping around Europe with their instruments and their, you know, they've
probably been up
all night, you know, doing music and drinking liquor and trying to learn German
or whatever.
And I'll just picture those boys just fucking living their lives over there.
And that's exciting.
That's exciting, man.
I hope they're over there doing all kind of just living it, doing drugs, sex,
rock and roll
and living hard.
And if you have never, never seen Bishop Gunn, they're on a European tour right
now.
And I do recommend checking them out.
They do not pay for this service from me.
They are friends of mine.
And when I listen to their music, it makes me feel good.
Oh, thank you guys.
Thanks for being here.
What am I doing?
I am sitting here in the studio.
And, dude, my shirt, I kind of wore a short shirt.
You ever freaking leave the house in a short shirt?
Dang, man.
Like, if your shirt is regular, you never even think about it if it's a good
length.
I got to have a specific length shirt to feel my own self-comfort.
Because if I have too long of a shirt, I feel like I'm like one of the, you
know, seven dwarfs,
that one that's always sleepy, you know, dozer or whatever his name is.
You know, who, I don't even fucking know what they are.
Not sneezy, a dozy or something, you know, one of them.
Or if it's too short, I feel like a damn little, I feel like a little fucking
white chocolate Hershey kiss
that somebody's trying to, like a little kind of gentleman trying to meet other
gentlemen out there,
you know, under a porch light or under a lamp, you know, under a big tall city
lamp.
But that's, you know, if it's too short, I'm just, that is, you know, that
makes me so,
I'm just like, God, I just don't know what's going on.
I just feel like my butt cheeks don't even know each other when I have a real
short shirt on.
I just feel uncomfortable.
I feel strikingly uncomfortable when I'm in a short shirt.
So this one's a little short.
You can't see because I'm sitting down and, well, it doesn't even really matter.
So whatever.
Good to be here with you.
I am, you know, I'm about, you know, well, I'm about maybe 90 days off of
pornography right now.
And that's, that's pretty, you know, I feel good about myself for that.
Now, I've still been open, you know, I've opened up some Snapchats that got
some wild, you know, just, that's the thing about Snapchat.
Snapchat, that's like Pandora's boxing glove.
You know, you open it up and, you know, Pandora, the, you know, Satan's little
daughter, Pandora, just hit you with a damn, you know, could be anything.
You know, some guy sleeping at work or a cooter punch, just a random cooter,
somebody's sending you through the airwaves.
Some fucking airwave cooter just hits you right out of that.
Snapchat is very dangerous.
Snapchat, it's like, it's like monkeying around power lines.
You ever seen the commercials they used to have with the monkey?
And you think he's safe and everything and he's just hanging out, but then he
grabs that power line and kills himself.
And that's like, that's like Snapchat.
You think it might be, you know, open it up.
It's going to be, could be a couple cookies or, you know, little, you know,
little Daniels out there fucking, you know, shining up his roller skates.
And he's ready to do something, you know, just like a little, do a little
sidewalk adventure in the neighborhood, you know, ready to just kind of cruise
past the little girls that selling Girl Scout cookies.
But then you open up that next Snapchat and it's some girl giving that BGZ out
there, you know, out there outside of Philadelphia or something, one of them
Turnpike Bee Gees.
And it's, uh, it's very alarming.
You never know what you're going to get.
It's like going door to door in a haunted house.
And sometimes things aren't that haunted.
It's just some guy crying or something, you know, and he just bought a plant
and he's, you know, it could be somebody has a flat tire, somebody singing
happy birthday to their little cousin.
But then, bam, somebody hits you with that freestyle coochie out the thing.
And you're like, jeepers.
Is this what, you know, is this what we want?
Is this what the Lord wants?
I don't know.
I don't know.
But I'm feeling good about being off that pornography, man.
I feel good.
You know, I didn't know how I, first of all, I couldn't do it if it wasn't for,
you know, I put these apps on my phone, MOBA SIP and Covenant Eyes on my
computer.
So those two apps, one on each, and it just prevents it.
So I don't feel the need to do it.
Or if I, you know, I got in this bad habit of just jerking out at night and
getting my body to just make magic, you know, just make that magic fucking salt
water at night.
And I got kind of used to it.
And it used to be fun.
I used to be, oh, I'm being sexual.
I'm being naughty.
You know, sometimes I would put both my hands together and make love to my
hands like that in the middle of them.
Like I had, you know, and pretend my hands had like a little name, like
Samantha or something.
But after that, it just became just this one-handed, you know, crazy guy.
And I would just kind of get my own wiener out at night and just, just not even
give it a chance to really think about much and just, you know, just end up
kind of jerking out.
So I'm glad I'm just, and I've just broke the habit.
That's what it was.
It was a bad habit.
So now I'll still do masturbation.
I'll still do self-masturbation sometimes, but I'm not doing it just as a nightly
weird habit.
And I've noticed that I just feel better.
I feel, I just feel a little bit more in control.
I don't feel like as obsessed with sex or thinking about, you know, now, you
know, or anything like that.
Or, you know, like I won't be at the, you know, sometimes you'll be somewhere
and something will remind you of something sexual.
You'll be at the fair and you see like a funnel cake and you're like, damn,
that thing looks like a pretty, you know, kind of like a fried little, you know,
but I'm not having any thoughts like that now.
I'm just more, because my brain isn't thinking sex first.
It's just thinking about other stuff and it's giving my brain more space to
think.
So it's, it's been, if you listen to the first, you know, 120 episodes of the
podcast, it's really about me trying not to watch pornography and struggling.
And just to not have that struggle in my life, and it's so quickly, it went
away.
For years, it was this weird cycle that was in my head, you know, just like, oh,
I'm lonesome.
I feel uncomfortable.
I better, you know, touch, you know, make sure my wiener still, you know, is at
least on my team.
That's kind of how it was.
Sometimes I think I would even masturbate because it was like, well, if the
world, you know, at least if I jerk myself, at least, you know, my wiener, I'm
going to prove that my wiener, something is on my team.
And I don't have a puppy or like a wife or anything like that.
So it would just be the closest thing I could reach, really, especially if you're
lazy and that's your wien.
That's that wien, wien, boing.
So feeling excited about that.
The other day I was on Twitter and accidentally went on a page that had
something sexual and shut it down quick.
But it's nice.
It used to be I'd be in the fruit section at the grocery and everything in
there.
I'm thinking, dang, bro, I'm not trying to be sexual, but, you know, a lot of
these, you know, kind of mid to larger size vegetables look like they want to
fuck, you know.
I mean, you see a dang, you know, you see a decent yellow squash over there.
You're like, damn, that fucking bitch is trying to back that thing up.
You get different ideas.
You know, you see a couple of plums kind of huddled together.
You're like, holy smokes.
These plums want to force them, you know, where you get these wild ideas.
But the other day I went through the produce section.
I didn't think about anything.
I just thought about, well, you know, well, you know, maybe I'll have a salad
soon.
So it's nice to just be having regular thoughts and just have gotten out of
that expanse in my mind that, you know, that kind of dirty road that my mind
was going down a lot of times.
What else is going on with me?
Oh, I'm going to Boston.
Well, I'm going to New York this week on Wednesday.
And I'm going to do the Barstool radio.
So that should be pretty cool.
I have not spent any time with those guys.
And what else this week am I going to do?
I'm going to tape something tomorrow.
That should be pretty cool.
You know, if you like hot sauce, it'll be good.
So kind of like nervous and excited about, you know, things.
I don't like to, you know, I don't like to sometimes get too excited because,
you know, you just don't want to get your hopes up.
You know, my shoulders are sore sometimes from keeping my hopes up.
So I like to try and keep things a little bit level, but also to try and just
enjoy what's going on and be excited.
And we got the Andrew Schultz episode.
If you haven't met this bad cracker, he's out of Manhattan.
And he's just living free, man.
And he's doing it his way.
And he came in studio.
We're going to put that out this week.
And it was awesome.
And he's a neat man.
We're excited.
It was cool to have him, just be around him.
What else is happening, man?
I got, uh, what else is going on with me?
Not much.
I've just been trying to focus on, like, going to some different meetings.
You know, I go to these sobriety meetings, going to some of that.
And I'm just trying to feel a little bit more like myself.
I got on a Chantix.
So a little scary.
If you haven't taken Chantix.
It feels like a really weak person is trying to hold on to your lungs sometimes,
you know.
Like trying to hold your lungs.
That's what it feels like.
It feels like a couple children that haven't been fed very much.
They have eaten.
Okay.
We're not starving these children in my imagination, but they haven't eaten
much.
They feel like they're kind of holding on to your lungs and don't, you know,
not letting you inhale very much.
And that's what it feels like.
And it makes the taste of a cigarette, like, unenjoyable.
And that's, and when I think about it, for me, cigarettes have been unenjoyable
for a while.
I just don't want to be addicted.
I don't know if one day I might not want to enjoy a cigarette.
I just don't want to feel like I have to