Name: Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #180
Uploaded: 2019-03-06T14:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #180' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #180' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-06. Transcript available.

Andrew Schulz | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #180

Today's episode is brought to you by Greyblock Pizza. Greyblock Pizza, 1811 Pico
Boulevard
on the way to the beach in Los Angeles. Greyblock, get that hitter.
I've long had a theory that it should be documented on humans if you are a C-section
baby, if
you were giving birth a C-section, breech, doggy style, however, you were
conceived as
well should be documented. Because I feel like that goes in a lot of how you
are formed.
For sure.
If you're a missionary baby, what are you? You got a lot of work to do.
If you're doggy style baby.
Oh, you're talking about conception.
So conception matters too, like how the sperm gets in there.
Yeah.
So sperm's upside down.
Yeah, if the sperm, I mean, it's like if the sperm is, you know, it's been a
wild nighter,
if the sperm has just been like kind of a calm afternoon, you know, it just
depends on what's,
I feel like that that could, it could determine who you are a little bit.
Absolutely. I like your C-section theory.
You do?
Yeah, just because someone said like the reason childbirth is so painful is
because the woman
needs to go through that to love the kid.
Yeah.
And maybe when you get numbed up or when you get the C-section, you just don't
have that
attachment.
I could see that.
You know, like what you got, you got to go through the gauntlet.
You got to suffer and then you enjoy it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like that show.
Remember that show that had those people with steroids at the end of it?
Gladiator?
Yeah, American Gladiator.
Yes.
Yeah.
Like what if you just won the show at the beginning, you know?
Yeah, it sucks.
Like.
You don't even care.
Yeah.
I like that one where they had the tennis ball gun.
You remember that?
Yeah, you tried to shoot the thing.
That was sick.
That was the only, but the rest of it was just bullshit, dude.
It was just like, you know, whatever.
Andrew Schultz is here.
I'm here, man.
What's up, man?
Nice to meet you.
Have we ever even met?
No.
I think I've seen you in New York.
I think I saw you in New York.
Kind of, you were hanging out.
Maybe came by the village lantern.
Yeah.
But I never, we never, I think, officially met.
Though I have a funny story.
I think you had butt sex with my friend.
Whoa.
Yeah.
And it's a woman?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, let's start that there at least.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Lindsay was her name.
And you guys met at spring break.
This is back MTV days.
Oh, a long time ago.
Yeah, from Buffalo.
Huh.
And this is what she said.
I don't remember.
Starved with heat.
So this is what she said.
This is going to be interesting, bro.
Take a sip of coffee.
Yeah.
So she goes, because I was like, oh, I'm going to, you posted or I posted, I
was going to
come out here and do this.
And she was like, this is totally random.
Did you send me a picture of her?
Yes.
I'll send it.
No, did I?
I don't remember.
No, I didn't send you any picture.
I wanted to surprise you.
And so I said, okay, boom.
We'll talk about it when we go on the podcast.
So she goes, yeah, like we met at the spring break thing.
I think you were hosting it.
I met her at young break.
Yes.
Spring break.
Okay.
Spring break.
And I think you guys had a wild night or something like that.
Maybe some butt sex in the shower.
She's not totally sure.
She thinks it was butt sex, but it was a wild night.
I've only ever had butt sex one time when I was a youth.
Yeah.
And this was how, that's how I lost my virginity.
Was butt sex.
Yeah.
By a bowling alley.
Actually, Tiffany Lane's bowling alley on highway 190 and it's still open.
Shouts to Tiffany Lane's.
Oh, dude.
That's a plug.
Picking up splits out back.
Hey.
And people were throwing rocks at us while it was happening.
While you were butt fucking?
Yeah.
That's fucking clarity.
I mean, while I was having sex at all.
Can we not use the term butt fucking as much?
Oh, sorry.
I apologize.
Yeah.
So, butt loving.
How do you want to use it?
Yeah, just having sex and who knows where we were.
Right, right, right.
Or where it went.
Yeah, like hitchhiking inside of each other's bodies.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I mean, it starts with a thumb.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't remember.
We were young.
My kids were throwing rocks at us.
It was very Middle Eastern.
Yeah.
Maybe because you were in the wrong hole.
I don't know.
They were trying to help you out.
They couldn't have known from that far away.
You never know.
Well, maybe they could have.
But I do remember people throwing rocks and it's hard to keep an erection while
people
are throwing rocks.
I remember that.
Sure, sure.
And I remember being kind of proud of myself.
Because you did it.
Yeah, just feeling like, oh man.
Well, so much had happened at once.
Yeah.
You know, I'd like overcome these bully kids and I'd also had sex.
You know why you were able to do that?
Uh-uh.
Natural birth.
Yeah.
None of that C-section nonsense, bro.
Oh, somebody crawling out?
You're strong.
Yeah.
You're strong.
Somebody crawling out of their freaking, did you get to look around and decide
if you
want to come out or not?
No.
I'm the old-fashioned way.
You had to get, you had to come out of your mother's vagina, man.
Like a real champ.
Pushing.
Like a G.
Head first.
What was, tell me more about Lindsay though.
Is she like a nice girl?
So Lindsay, she's the coolest, man.
She's cool as hell.
She said you were cool.
She said one time you went to go like visit her up in Buffalo or something like
that.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wait.
Now I think I remember this girl.
Blonde hair, short.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice little dumper.
Nice girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great girl.
Cool.
Yeah, she did seem like a cool girl.
I said, tell me a funny story about you that I can bring up on the podcast.
And she's like, well, one time we were having sex and then we were having sex
for a little
while.
Oh, yeah.
A little while.
You heard that?
Right?
A lot of naysayers out there.
There we go.
A little while.
Including myself.
Up in there.
And then you came and then you just said,
Game Over.
Oh, wow.
That's pretty cool, man.
I thought that was a great way to come.
I've never audibly come before.
Dude, I love it.
But Game Over?
I thought that's some legendary shit.
It sounds fun, man.
Because usually it's just like, ugh.
But you were like, Game Over.
Yeah.
I wish we had some drawings of it or something.
It sounds like it was a hoot.
That's what I wish, man.
That's awesome, man.
Well, tell her I said hey whenever you talk to her.
Yeah, tell her I said what's up.
Absolutely.
Oh, she'll watch.
Lindsay, I hope I did justice to the story.
Which is my cam.
Yeah.
And I'm glad that we met each other, Lindsay.
You seem like a nice person.
And also, I'm going to say this.
The first time I ever saw you, I think, was at Village Lantern.
Yes.
And you had performed.
I'd never heard of you or seen you.
Which, you know, is always a weird thing to tell another comedian.
Totally good.
You know, I don't mean that in any weird way.
Not at all.
But, you know, I didn't know hardly anybody from New York.
You know, the only people I even knew from New York were like Schumer, Chris
Rock.
Right.
You know, Big Jay Oakerson, because I'd see him out here a good bit.
But I was like, and I had to go next.
And I was like, fuck no.
What is that guy doing?
Like, I do not.
I don't know if everything's okay.
I was asking people like how, like weird questions were coming out of me.
Like, how long has this building been a structure?
You know, like shit that was like just fucking like survival pieces of things
were coming out of me, man.
Oh, that's good.
It was interesting, man.
You crushed, bro.
You crushed.
And it was, and I just, all my confidence had just, was suddenly on roller skates
inside of me.
And it just felt uncertain.
Oh, good.
So, yeah.
So, yeah, man, you certainly have that effect where you, you know, you just
have that power up there, you know.
God, man, thank you so much.
Have you always, did you always kind of have that whenever you started doing
stand-up?
No.
Like, how has that kind of changed?
I think that, I think that like, I think I maybe had presence, obviously,
before jokes.
Right.
You know, I think you get, it's one or the other.
Some people have jokes first, but they have no presence.
And then some people have presence and then no jokes.
So, I had like, I think I had presence, but the jokes just weren't there in the
beginning.
You know, the dumb ideas you come up with as a young comic.
And then, I think I started to get some jokes.
And then like, for like a year, I just sat down.
And people thought it was like an arrogant thing.
But I was just trying to not sell the joke.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah.
Because when I see me, it seemed like a machine gun kind of, you know.
Yeah.
And I used to always be like that.
And I can still be like that sometimes.
When I get going, I'm going on a thing.
It's almost like on a little roller coaster.
Yeah.
It's like, this is going to be the ride.
Yeah.
It works best if you just kind of let me take us on it.
Exactly.
And.
We're in your world.
Yeah.
You're in my world.
Exactly.
And, but like those couple of years are like that year where I just sat and
told the joke.
It was like, I really found out where the funny was in the jokes.
Like, I found out how to use silence and like build tension and break it.
And it, you know, it was also kind of humbling, but it was one of those things
like it just
taught me a lot about like the art, like what I thought maybe needed energy
early on.
Cause that's what I think we compensate with early is energy.
Right.
You can see a lot of guys, East Coast and West Coast both do it.
It's like, I'm going to be big.
Yes.
Cause I don't know where the punchline is, but if I'm big, they see something
happening
and they'll kind of chuckle.
Yeah.
And then as I got really small, I like learned where the funny was in bits, you
know?
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
So that's interesting.
And I'm sure it probably just gets even more and more interesting the longer
you do it
now, man.
It's just so much like the more I think of this shit, like it's just bull
fighting.
Yeah.
You know, like for me, it's like, I just want to get as close as I can to the
bull.
Oh, right on.
Right.
Like, yeah, you seem like you got that more of that risque in you.
Yeah.
It's just, that's what excites me about it.
It's like, like you really want to be a stripper.
Yes.
But you're just not telling anybody.
You know?
But I don't want to, this is what I want to do.
I don't want to strip my clothes off.
Yeah.
I want to strip the audiences.
Yeah.
Does that make sense?
I like that.
Yeah.
So it's like, I want to like attack an idea that you think you're 100% concrete
on.
Yeah.
And then I want to like strip your belief in that idea.
Like you're 100%, you believe in it.
You know, like the MAGA hat is awful.
And I'll be like, oh, what about like a Viking hat?
Yeah.
And you'll be like, oh, I guess the Viking hat doesn't stand for that good shit.
Right?
It's like, I just want to shake, I want to shake the ground a little bit.
And I think that's-
Yeah, or a Jets helmet.
I don't know.
Where are we going with that?
No, just like, we're talking about bad fucking headwear.
Oh, I was talking about like, you know, represents like raping people.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't think the Jets had that.
No.
Maybe Namath.
Yeah, maybe, huh?
Favre sent pictures when he was on the Jets.
That's true.
Vikings too.
And he was a Viking.
Where do you think he learned how to do that point?
Minnesota.
Not Wisconsin.
Yeah.
But it's just one of those things where it's like, and I'm sure you have this
as a comic
as well.
It's just like, the second you tell me something is one way, I can't accept
that.
Like, to me, the world is things, things aren't black or white.
Things are both.
Right.
Right?
Something is and isn't.
We'll see.
That's interesting.
Not is or isn't.
Or and and are different.
Right.
You know what I mean?
I'm trying to think of the bit that I heard you talking about that I was just
like, man,
this is fucking baffl