Name: Limited Breadsticks | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #181
Uploaded: 2019-03-11T13:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Limited Breadsticks | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #181' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Limited Breadsticks | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #181' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-11. Transcript available.

Limited Breadsticks | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #181

Okay...
Damn dude, why? Dude, I cannot dance.
I'm just sitting on your front porch
Wondering how could I be so far?
From my home
Hello, it's Monday. Hello.
And my mind is somewhere else
But when I find it I'll patch up where it's been blown
Come on. Hear it in.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves
I must be cornerstone
Oh, but when I reach that ground
I'll share this peace of mind
I found I can feel it in my bones
But it's gonna take
A little time
For me to set that parking brake
And lift myself on my mind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
Shine on me
And I will find a song
And I will find a song
I will sing it
Just for you
And that's that right there
Excuse me
That is Bishop Gunn
With Shine
And that's a song right there by that band
And that
Can you imagine those boys
From Natchez, Mississippi right now
Are out there touring in Europe
And that can be some of the beauty of music man
It hits people's ears
And then it hits their
You know, because the ear goes directly
The ear bone is connected to the hard bone
And it hits their ears
And just goes right into their heart
And then that feeling man
And they want more of that feeling
And that's what those boys are doing
Bishop Gunn is a band
And they are in Europe
Right now performing
Different areas
I have
Speaking of that
I'm actually
I'm going to go
I mean this is crazy
I can't even believe
I'm going to be saying these words
I'm going to be going
We locked down a date in London
That's crazy man
Just to hear myself
Say those words
That I'm going to be going to
I mean where Americans came from
Let's be honest about it
You know
America started because
Shit wasn't going that great
In
England
You know
People were being mean to each other in England
They had bullying
People was doing bullying
And the next thing you know
People said you know what
Fuck you bruh
I'm out
And they got in a boat
And left
And the people in England were like
Where you going
And they're like
We don't even fucking
Know
So things must have been hairy
If somebody left
And didn't even know where they're going
That's when you know
You just gotta go
But
I'm happy to be coming back
To that original homeland over there
America 1.0
America 1.0
England
Excuse me
And I don't know when that'll be yet
Well I do know the date
But I'm not looking at that
There are going to be other dates around it
You know there will be Scotland and Ireland
And fuck dude I can't even imagine
Dude that's so crazy
I'm going to be going over there
So
Anyway
I didn't mean to make this myself
About myself
Out of the gate
But I just
You know I am excited
And I deserve to feel good sometimes
And I'm excited about that
Who's listening out there
That's what I want to know
Who's listening to this
This podcast
To this past weekend
Thank you guys for being here with me
Who's listening
Who are you
I want you to hit the hotline
985-664-9503
Are you
You know we used to have a lot of postmen
A lot of postmen would hit the hotline
And let us know
And you know we had a lot of drivers
I remember we had a
A FedEx driver
That you know
But who are you
Who are you listening
Hit the hotline
And say hey
You know my name is this
And this is what I do for work
And this is when I listen to this past weekend
I would just love to know that
Like hey my name is Theo
And you know
And I listen to the podcast in the morning
When I do stretches on my floor in my bedroom
That's what I do
I mean that's just definitely a little bit
You know something a tender gentleman would say
But that's when I listen
So hit the hotline
I just want to know who's out there listening
I want to know
You know I always hear so much
You guys always hear so much about me
I want to hear some more about you
What's going on a lot
You know I just got back
I flew back this morning from Atlantic City
We had
I went and did some shows
And they had theater shows
And I'm talking theaters
Boy you know theaters
You know
And if a lot of times when you
If somebody talks real fast
They even say my name like that
Oh that's theater
Instead of Theodore
They're like oh that's theater right there
And we did the shows
We went to Medford
And that was the first one
And the crazy thing of theater
I didn't go look at the stage in advance
And the lights are so bright
You can only see about
First two rows of people
And there was maybe you know
I don't even know how many people were in that place
I mean it seemed like a damn community college
It felt like
That shit was pretty big
And people were doing you know
Smelled like weed and everything
Yeah
Very much like community college
And
I didn't know like
How deep it was
Man I was
It was kind of scared
It was like I felt like a
Like a hamster that had to also
You know like a
I felt like
Oh have you ever seen a prison movie?
Where the prisoner gets out
And they have the big spotlight
And they're shining it
Looking for him
I felt like that guy
Like that prisoner
But also what if you gave that prisoner a microphone
And while he's running off
He has to tell jokes
So that's how I felt
And
Man it was
You know it was a crazy
Just three nights
And then did two shows at the
Wilbur Theater in Boston
And then a show in Atlantic City
And we took planes and trains
And automobiles
And
We didn't have anybody to host for any of the shows
So
A couple hours before
I'm just asking people like
Hey do you know anybody that lives in the area that can do comedy?
And next thing you know we found a host
You know a young fellow named Andrew who came out for the Boston shows
And that dude sitting there you know at his home probably you know
I'm not saying doing masturbation but probably doing a little
And next thing you know he's on stage in front of 1500
And so you know
And he did a great job you know we just hit up literally like we're asked does
anybody know anyone in this area that can do it?
And the same thing for
The Atlantic City
We just got you know does anybody know anybody in the area who can drive over
here and do some comedy for 10 minutes at the beginning of the show?
But man it was wild it was
Man it was awesome
It was scary though I felt pretty scared
Cause I just don't you know it's like being in a new place
It's like
I'm trying to think of exactly how it feels
You ever
You ever go
Remember if you've ever gone to look at an apartment or a house
And you go in and there's no furniture in it and you're just going to check it
out
You know maybe to see if you'll move there
Or you know
Or something
And you go in and you go in the different rooms
It's kind of
It feels new
It feels different
It's the first time you've ever felt the space
And felt your body react
To the distance between you and the walls and just the space
And that's what it feels
It feels like that going on the stage
But so you have that kind of feeling you're in a new space
But then you also at the same time have a you know some responsibilities
And so yeah it was just it was a different animal
You know I'm so used to being just in a comedy club
And I'll still be doing a lot of clubs
It was just
It was just kind of how the weekend worked out
But thank you so much to everybody that came out
You know we had a couple of brothers that came out
Actual brothers
People that were you know
Womb mates
And also
A couple of black gentlemen
We had one young fella
Looked like I thought it was Sean Kingston
And he came out to one of the shows
I don't know if you remember Sean Kingston
He
I think he might have killed Aaliyah with that damn Sea-Doo or whatever
But
He came out
What else did we do dude it was a like
So
Oh I went to the barstool sports
And people say barstool you know they have
You know they're basically people they put stuff on the internet
You know say if your aunt does a hit
You know does a couple whippets
And accidentally gets fucked up and kisses her son or something like that
Like at a foosball tournament or whatever
Then they put that shit on barstool videos
So
You know I went to their office
And it was pretty crazy
I rolled in there
And they got an older black gentleman sitting right there
And he was polishing off a little bit of rib meat or something
And this dude was you know
He was half a cage deep into some fucking ribs
Boy I don't know if you know
If you don't have any black friends
Then you never seen how black men
Can really get into some ribs
Dude black guys should be
Orthopedic
Ortho
Ortho
Ortho
Bone doctors or something
I'm surprised there's not more black surgeons
Because you see a black dude get into a thing of ribs bruh
Like dang dude
Yeah I didn't even know they had all of that in there
That guy will crack a rib open and they got meat in there
So if you never had a black friend
First of all get a black friend
And then order him half a rack of ribs
And see what he does
That dude will have them bitches dry at the end of it
Not a meat, not a gristle
You could dip that thing
A black man could dip a rib that he ate into a fish tank
And not even a little
Fish
Not one fish will swim up to even look for anything
Because there's nothing on it
So you know when it comes you know
A black guy you know
Will really put that gang bang on a rib
He'll fucking tighten that thing up to the fullest
So this guy anyway I roll into the office at Barstools
The man is sitting in there
And he's supposed to be the guy that like checks you in
Downstairs at the bottom of the deal
At the ground floor
So he looked up at me
Like he was pissed that I was there
So I was like fuck it bruh
You know you don't want to do your job
You know whatever
So I went past that guy
Went up to the third floor
And the elevator doors open
And there's like maybe 50 dudes
You know a lot of them look like maybe they played
You know half of them kind of look like maybe they played
Lacrosse or something for
Not Duke you know
Not that you know the sexual team
But at least you know
At least maybe UNC or NC State
And
And then yeah they got
Next you know there's a camera guy pops up
And they got a lady cutting up a grapefruit
And they have a couple little studios
And
It's just it was wild to see
It's like seeing behind the internet
It's like the doors open
And then there's like you know 50 guys sitting at computers
And
And it was a good vibe
We went in there and did the radio show
And then I stopped
I went that night
And it was just a good vibe man
I had fun in there
And if you haven't
If you get a chance
Go listen to that episode
When I was on their radio
It was a lot of fun actually
So I really enjoyed that
And then what else happened?
Trying to tell you what happened this past weekend
Oh then I stopped by the comedy cellar that night
In New York to see
Some different comedians
I got to watch Dave Attell perform
So that was awesome man
That guy
He once referred
I heard him refer to
He referred to peanut butter as
As
Oh he referred to hummus as
Isis peanut butter
And I thought that was pretty much right on time
So that was it
And then the next day we
I went to Boston
Did the shows at Medford
The guy Francis
This big guy
White dude
You know pretty rich bro
Like even his breath
Kind of smelled like cologne a little
You know the kind of guy
That has breakfast
And probably has a little bit of fucking
You know some
You know a little fan
You know some S. Day Lauder scents
Or something on his pancakes
The kind of dude who have a nice
Couple of omelets
And wash it down with a fucking
Mouth full of you know
Garnier fructis
Or something
One of those
You know a fancy deal
So Francis was there
And first of all
If you named after you know
Francis what?
You know Francis
That's crazy
You got to be rich
To really have a
You know
Kind of a bi-gender name
And be a man
This dude was a handsome guy too
Looked like one of those
Winklevosses
Remember the Winklevosses?
Who almost beat up that guy
The Facebook kid?
Him
So we
He came on
And did the shows with us
And it was just blast man
So many people came out
So many people came out
Here we got a
We got one guy right here
He came 