Name: Who Is Listening? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #182
Uploaded: 2019-03-18T13:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who Is Listening? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #182' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Who Is Listening? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #182' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-18. Transcript available.

Who Is Listening? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #182

We want to start today's episode and just let everybody in New Zealand, we have
a lot of listeners there,
beautiful listeners that reach out all the time, and just let them know that,
you know, our hearts are with them.
And I know it's just, you know, you just, I'm sorry that this sort of thing is
there, this sort of travesty,
and that it's anywhere, but just wanted to let you know that we were thinking
of you.
Happy St. Paddy's Day to everybody. So if you got a small buddy or whatever, or
even just somebody who loves alcohol,
or just likes green lipstick or anything, you know, if you like somebody, you
know, a lot of people smoke crack on St. Patrick's Day.
And it has nothing to do with being Irish or anything, or nothing about luck.
So whatever.
What I'm saying is this, today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, if you have not yet had the experience of something in your mouth
that has cheese and meat and sauce on it,
then you can have that at Gray Block Pizza, 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles,
on the way to the beach.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
Also announcing some new tour dates right now in Australia.
We'll be adding May 22nd at the Enmore Theater.
May 24th, I'll be at Goldfields in Melbourne.
May 25th, I'll be at the Metro Theater in Sydney.
May 26th, I'll be at the Astor Theater in Perth.
May 29th, the AEC Theater in Adelaide.
May 31st, the Plenary One in Melbourne.
And that June 1st is BCEC Grand Hall in Brisbane.
One or two of those may have added a late show as well.
I would just go check all of those out.
TheoVaughn.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
Also, support for this past weekend comes from Manscaped,
who is number one in men's below-the-belt grooming.
That's right, men's below-the-belt grooming.
Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for manscaping
with the right tool for the right job.
Now, we all have had times, like for me,
I'll be running late for a wedding or, you know,
do a roller skating meetup or something,
and I'll just quickly decide, oh, right now is when,
you know, I'll get out the shower and I'll see my crotch area.
And I'll see, you know, it looks like,
it looks like, you know, an old lady's yard
after her husband passes away or something.
And you're like, damn, somebody needs to get over there.
What a whacker, you know?
They got, you know, vines everywhere and just shit,
you know, run amok.
And so that's when I'll get down,
I'll get some scissors real quick
and I'll try to tidy up.
Sometimes I'll get a lighter and even just run it,
just light it and bend over and just really quickly
just flash it back and forth around my nuts and bottom
to get those long reacher hairs.
Well, Manscaped doesn't want us doing that type of stuff anymore.
It's the perfect package 2.0 kit
features the lawnmower 2.0
with skin safe technology.
This trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts.
That's what it says with an exclamation point at the end.
It's also 100% waterproof and shock resistant.
Precision tools for your family jewels.
Your balls will thank you.
You can get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag
with the code T-H-E-O at manscaped.com.
M-A-N-S-C-A-P-E-D.com.
That's 20% off with free shipping and a free travel bag
at manscaped.com and use code Theo.
Take care of yourself.
Get your crotch a practical cut.
Manscaped sends a beautiful box.
They got the trimmer.
They got the mower.
They got that hitter.
You feel, I mean, you feel fucking, you know,
I mean, Guatemalan after that.
I mean, your nuts feel like they could dance.
You know, you feel like you're ready for something new.
You could take your nuts back to kindergarten.
That's how young and fresh and ample they look.
So, take care of your body.
Okay, let's start off with,
remember this original old theme song we had
for this past weekend?
Some of you new listeners may not even know it.
Oh, yeah.
Celebrate living
Celebrate misery
You know that soon we're gonna die
Let's have some fun while we all die
Celebrate dark days
Celebrate all your pain
All of the demons exercise
And that is the Spencer Jacob Growl band
And that's growl
Not like growl
Like an animal does
But growl
Like you're almost angry
G-R-A-U
And that's their song Celebrate
And Spencer lent us that song a long time ago
To kick off the episodes
And I saw him the other night at the comedy store
And it was awesome
He had a new little dime piece with him
You know, and she was a tall dime too
I mean, she was
You know, two nickels stacked on each other
I mean, she was a heightly lady
And they really looked like they were having just a blast
So it was nice to see him
And nice to have the song again
Happy St. Patrick's Day
Hey, it's that time
I'm in the studio
And our producer Nick Davis is here with me today
What's going on, Theo?
Not much, man
How was your weekend?
It was good
It was good
Pretty relaxed
I'm all fired up
I've been listening to a lot of Jocko Willink lately
Really?
Yeah, yeah
He's prioritized and executed
Oh, yeah
I've got a lot in the play
So I'm just trying to knock it out
And how's he doing?
Does he sound like he's doing okay?
I'm way back in the catalog
So who knows?
He could be dead by now
Once I get to the current episodes
But yeah, episodes 1 through 10
Amazing
Wow, okay
Right on
So his early stuff is popping
Yeah, yeah
I'm a Jocko Willink hipster
I only listen to his early stuff
Oh, yeah
I love that
And Jocko Willink is a Navy SEAL
That, you know, led a lot of charges there in Iraq
And Afghanistan
And has done a lot of stuff in the Middle East
And just a real
I mean, he definitely wears the pants in his family
I would say that he's that kind of man
Did you do anything for St. Paddy's Day?
No
I listened to a bunch of voicemails
Did some work
I watched the UFC fights
That were
But today is St. Paddy's Day
So I'm hanging out with you
Nice
Yeah, happy St. Paddy's
Dude, I was thinking about this, man
They don't have
You know, St. Paddy's is one of those
You know, holidays
A lot of times
And I'll say holidays
They often sensationalize
Little people
And some people say midgets
If you're, you know, 60 or older
You say midget
And if you're, you know, 40 or younger
You say little people
And if you're 40 to 60
You say whatever you want
And then somebody either corrects you
Or they don't
But, you know
Do you notice that like a lot of holidays
It's like, you know
They got the little guy on St. Patrick's Day
Or the little ladies
Santa has the elves
You know, on Halloween
They may have a little Frankenstein
Or, you know, a little bloody Benny
You know, or a little vampire guy
And you have a little fellow
Just dripping blood off of his face
Do you notice that?
Yeah, definitely
And then when it's not a holiday
They're making cookies
Yeah, I don't know what it is
Oh yeah, that's true
A lot of those channels
They sensationalize them
They say, oh, let's see these little arms
Make a cake
Or let's see these, you know
Little legs run to get a fresh egg
And some of that shit, man
It's like
You know
It had me thinking the other day
I was thinking about
Somebody had a fancy
Like this beautiful little poodle
Named Waffle
You know
And it was like a little toy poodle
They said
And it was
I mean this fucking thing
Was probably eight inches square
You know
Like
I mean and it's fluffy
I mean it seemed like something
You'd see at
Restoration Hardware
You know
Just perched on
You know
A little fake deal
And
And I was like
That's kind of crazy
They had
Because what they do is
They get little
They get dogs
Small dogs
To do sex
And then make a littler dog
And then they keep doing it
It's fucking crazy, man
Imagine if you did that
With little people
I was thinking
What if you had
You know
You have a party
You invite
You know
You know
Little Janet
And fucking
Small
Fucking
You know
Small Andy over
And then you get them all
You know
You know
Slip them
Each a roofie or something
And get them to fuck
In the back room
Right
Unbeknownst to them
Just so they make a smaller
Child
And then
You know
When that kid gets old enough
To have sex
And is
You know
Knows a female
If it's a male
That wants to have sex
Then you get them to come over
I mean
In fucking
In 60 years
You could have a person
That's fucking this big
You know
You could have a guy
That just runs around
On your desk
And gets you a pen
If you need it
You know
Like you could have anything
But it just seems like
Because for all the fiascos
You hear about the dog community
And we gotta support this community
And you know
Dogs without borders
And you know
No more whistles
And all of this shit
It's like
At the same time
There's this other
Darker universe
Where they're
You know
Downbreeding
These animals
To make them
As small as possible
It's
It's kind of horrific
Actually
Yeah
Well it's just
If you did it
With your friends
Or something
Or if you did it
With small people
It would be
I think it would be
Frowned upon
100%
You know
Let's go drink
With a bunch of
Little people
And get them
All to fuck again
So they can keep
Making smaller
Little people
You know
You could have
A fucking
You know
What I'm saying
In 200 years
You could have
A fucking
Little four inch
Girl in your pocket
You know
And they're just
Fucking
Counting change
Just organized
You know
Moving quarters
Over here
And nickels
Over to this side
So anyway
I don't know
Why I was thinking
About that
I think just
The holidays
And St. Patrick's
Day
I was thinking
About this man
I was watching
Some of the videos
Of the
This past
Atlantic City
And you helped
Put some of that
Together Nick
And you did
A great job
And I was thinking
When I hit the stage
Man
One thing I was like
I didn't really think
That I thanked
The crowd enough
I felt like
I had this feeling
Like we did it
You know
Like that was a feeling
That I had
That I wish
I maybe had
Expressed more
Because you
It's just like
Yeah
Like there's just
So many people
You know
And so many people
Are excited
And it feels
Like a group thing
I kind of think
The way you thank them
Is by making them laugh
Right
You held up
Your end of the bargain
They showed up
You made them laugh
Everybody's grateful
Right
Yeah maybe that's it
Maybe sometimes
I just think
I don't know
Sometimes I just
It's like I always
Find like a problem
With stuff
You know
I don't know
What that is
But yeah
I just want to say
Thank you again
Everybody that came out
Over there
And we did it man
We really really did it
And it's not something
That I do alone
I don't feel like
It's something
That we do together
That Nick does
That Nick helps out with
And you know
And just this
You know
We got this sweet
Kind of community
Going on
And so we got to
Find some cool stuff
To do
We got to get a van
Bro
You know
Yeah I love the community
It was really fun
Listening to all those
Calls that came in
This week
Oh yeah
Hearing all the people
Listening
Yeah
They're everywhere
And they're doing everything
Awesome
Well I'm excited to be there
Dude I just went to
A NASCAR today
That's sick
Dude I was in
I went to the casino
Last night
With Megan
You know that does
The finances
Right
So we went to
The casino
And then we went
To the NASCAR
You guys are gambling
All the finances
No this is definitely
It's out of personal accounts
Oh gotcha
Okay good
And dude I'd never been
To a NASCAR race
Bro you get in there
And like
It was so much more
Chill than I thought
It was gonna be
Like there's definitely
A lot of people
Who have had a lot
Of mountain do
You know
Like a lot of real
People that know
Their way around
A fucking
You know
Half cup of code red
You know
But you get in there
And it's just awesome
It's just like
You're getting some sunshine
There were the mountains
In the back
It was at auto
It was at
Auto Club Speedway
In Fontana
And then you just got
You know
Like Joey Logano
And you know
Somebody Bush
The third
And frickin
Larry Truix Jr
And they're just
Fucking driving around
As fast as they can
I can only think
Of the 90s guys
I know Jeff Gordon
Yeah
And Junior
Yeah
And that's about it
Yeah
Yeah that's what I was like
I kept asking oth