Name: State Wars March Madness with Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #183
Uploaded: 2019-03-22T08:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'State Wars March Madness with Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #183' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'State Wars March Madness with Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #183' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-22. Transcript available.

State Wars March Madness with Bryan Callen | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #183

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And now, let's get into our episode.
Today's guest is a man that has inspired me in my line of work since he got
here.
Or since I got here. Since I met him. That's when.
And he is the popular host of one of my favorite podcasts called The Fighter
and The Kid.
One of the first podcasts I was ever a guest on.
And he's always been supportive. He's absolutely hilarious.
He has a new special out right now called Complicated Apes.
Which he says is his best work.
But, more importantly than all of that.
In a time when states are really starting to take back their stronghold from
unified America.
We decided to have a March Madness.
Where every state is up against every other state.
In an all-out war.
We've built the brackets on the back of our producer Nick Davis.
We got little Gianni in here to freaking giggle in the distance.
We put together a March Madness this past weekend State Wars bracket.
And who better to help us break down the games.
And advance the states forward than the, just really one of the smartest guys I
know.
But I don't know that many people.
Mr. Brian Callen.
And let myself all my eyes shine that light on me.
Do you think there's going to come a time where there's that cutoff line?
And I was just talking to Joe about this the other night.
Where there's a cutoff line where there's people that can live forever.
And there's people that can't.
Yeah.
And there's going to be...
Well, because money.
Money will be the delineating factor.
Oh, wow.
When you can download, when you can get a chip and you can download certain
things in your
brain, you'll buy the software to learn how to fly a helicopter or to get your
black belt
in jujitsu.
That's a fact.
And the more money you have, the more skills you'll have.
But then the question becomes, to what end?
I wonder how fun it is when you have that skill base and you can speak a
language fluently,
whatever that language might be.
Right.
But you didn't work for it.
Yeah.
So if you didn't work for it, but you have that understanding, I'm not so sure.
I wonder what kind of benefit you get from that.
Like, do you glean the same kind of satisfaction?
Because it takes a long time to be good at something.
Yeah.
Do you have any actual joy?
Well, you get an understanding.
You develop understanding from practice.
Yeah.
You develop understanding from spending a long time at something.
You understand?
Like, you know what I mean?
Well, that's because you're young, my son.
Now, come sit in my lap.
Oh, bro.
I've seen how this ends, dude.
That's how this ends, bro.
That's that class action lap suit.
I've gotten a couple of emails about it.
That's exactly right.
But no, it's like if everything just becomes, it's almost like a universal
basic income idea.
It's like if everybody has it, is there any value?
Are you going to care?
You're just going to put the Spanish chip in when you get fucked up to be at a
party and be like,
I'm Spanish, you know?
Well, you have the Jocko Willock book here.
So why do you like Jocko Willock?
When you look at Jocko Willock, you go, well, the guy was, he's a black belt in
jujitsu.
Sometimes he taps Dean Lister.
So he's really good at that.
He worked really hard at the art and intricate system of jujitsu.
Oh, yeah.
And got downloaded enough of the moves and stuff to be able to kind of cut you
off before you make your move.
Whatever.
He's strategic that way.
We also know he's a tank.
He's 240 pounds.
He's the San Diego double dragon, they call him.
He's the double dragon.
I like that.
And you can't double leg him because his legs are tree trunks.
But then also he was a seal.
They found an owl living in one of his legs the other day.
I believe it.
Yeah, that's right.
One of those wood owls.
One of those endangered spotted owls.
Yeah, man.
So you respect a guy like that because he's got scars.
Because he's gone through some shit.
His skin's a little thicker.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I mean?
So you go, yeah, his ears look broken up.
And that's attractive for a human being who's been through the fire, a baptism
of fire.
You find yourself drawn to that.
Yeah.
Because they have wisdom.
You don't know why.
So that's why you go to him for advice, but not the 21-year-old who's real good
looking.
Fucking nothing, yeah.
Shit's been easy for him.
Yeah, some fucking little stem cell junkie.
Yeah.
Some guy just fucking hanging out and drinking his own blood.
Dude, if I were 21, I'd be up all night jerking off in my own mouth these days,
honestly.
And not in a sick way either.
In a what mouth?
My own.
Well, you can get—
I think you can get transfusions.
We waste all those stem cells.
Think about that.
You can get blood transfusions from young people.
They do that, right?
See, that's what I think it's going to be.
That's going to be that line.
I think the young, like you're saying it's going to be money.
I think it's going to be farming the young.
Yeah, well, I think that the one thing man has always wanted—
What's the one thing man's always wanted?
What's the one thing man loves?
This is from Socrates.
Horses.
What do you think it is?
Good, close.
Close.
I like that.
And we do like horses, but we use them as tools.
Yeah.
What is the one thing man universally everywhere wants?
Women.
No?
What do you think it is?
Contentment?
No.
It's to live forever.
It's immortality.
Yeah.
It's why we love our children.
They push our genes forward.
It's why we love our work, because we leave a legacy behind.
Oh.
And man does whatever he can to leave a mark.
It's why being significant, especially for males, being significant is so
fucking important.
And whenever you compare yourself, like you get depressed, and you go, ah, I
don't know,
I feel like I can work harder, because you don't feel like you're significant.
You're not doing anything that makes you feel like you're leaving a mark.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I don't know if that's true, but sometimes that could be the case.
You want to leave a mark.
That's a good book.
I've read that.
But there's all that shit that kind of, that comes into it.
So, immortality, we've always wanted to live forever.
So, now, with new longevity, drugs, and technology, holy fuck.
It's on the horizon.
Woo!
Yeah, man.
I'll fucking see you in 3010.
That's what it is.
But then what?
You know what I like about living forever?
If you told me at 50, I was going to have the same energy as a 20-year-old,
which I do.
Yeah.
Which I fucking do.
Oh, your Fitbit, dude, the other day, just fucking blew right off your wrist.
It blew off my wrist, bro.
You saw that, right?
I saw that, yeah.
Yeah, I don't run a sprint, all right?
And a lot of times, I run with sand.
Yeah.
Two buckets of sand and a bamboo pole over my fucking back, and I run hills,
you bitches.
Somebody said that you had four shoulder blades.
Is that true?
No, it's not true.
It just looks that way, because I got muscle on top of muscle.
I'm the first comedian to develop muscle on top of muscle.
You understand?
That's why the doctor goes, I got nothing to say.
Oh, yeah.
And he wrote on my chart, immortal.
I don't know if that's good.
I don't know if that's good, but he looked at my blood panel and goes, well,
guess you're
never going to die.
Oh, you're that hemoglobin bad boy, dude.
That's what it is, brother.
I like that.
That's what it is.
That's why you could sell my plasma on the black market for as much as rhino
horn goes
for it.
You know what I'm saying?
Jesus Christ, man.
Fuck, bro.
And people are getting into that.
Hell yeah, I could cut a diamond with my dick right now.
Damn, dude.
Yeah.
I work hard.
And we can do that.
Yeah, I stretch up and I stretch hard.
That's crazy.
Yeah, and I come over and sit on my lap.
No way.
All right, whatever.
This guy's a fucking baby.
This guy fucking obviously is a manager at a Chuck E. Cheese.
I hope this is being recorded, motherfuckers.
Okay, we have you here today, Brian, obviously.
Thank you so much for always having me on Fighter and the Kid and for you guys
always being so
supportive.
We were talking about, me and Rogan, we were talking about you yesterday.
That was a nice evening.
We were talking about how great you are as a comic.
You, we were talking about you and who the fuck else were we talking about?
About being truly unique voices.
That was me, that was your older peers.
That was two 52-year-olds talking about you, young man.
So bow the fuck down and you're welcome.
Thank you.
On Rogan.
Thank you.
Giving you serious props.
I don't even know what to do with myself, man.
I don't want to see you beat yourself up.
All right, back to you.
I'll do that.
What were you saying?
I'll try not to beat myself up.
Back to you.
Thank you.
We need somebody who's educated, bro.
And we looked across the field of comedians and-
Tough to find.
There was just you, really.
Yeah, it's a wasteland out there.
You know?
Me and Dove Davidoff.
Everything else is a fucking wasteland.
Yeah, and Dove Davidoff.
We can't, you know what I'm saying?
Nah, nah.
You got to know a special mating call to even get him to show up.
Yes, sir.
He's hiding in New York City.
He's doing real estate deals.
He's a real estate mogul.
He can give a fuck about everything.
Oh, yeah.
He's on the 30th floor of his dreams right now.
And you and I are down here fucking around, but we need somebody who's educated.
It's March Madness.
So we, and I firmly believe we're headed back towards state governments, you
know, because
states are so different.
Yep.
That in five years, ten years, we could see states, you know, just building
their own
kind of walls or just delineating their own things that fit for their people.
So we want to March Madness.
If these states win at it, who would win?
And we want to get to the final four.
We're going to go through at least the first outer round today.
Okay.
And let's start.
Nick is going to be our referee.
And I was the selection committee as well.
That's why some of these states got byes.
But yeah.
Yeah, good.
Okay.
And what were the byes based on?
Population.
We split up the regions into west, midwest, south, and east.
And in each region, the top four, roughly, populations got a by.
Sometimes it was a little different.
So we kept some matchups we had to see in the first round, like North Dakota,
South Dakota,
the North Carolina, South Carolina.
We really wanted to see those if we would have.
So there was some liberties taken by the selection committee.
But here we are.
Okay.
Finally.
Okay, cool.
So let's start with that first round.
I zoned out.
Oh, dude.
I was looking at that poster.
I love that painting.
The road to the strap goes through the rat.
Yeah, man.
That's because of you guys.
You guys made the belt, man.
Yeah, I like that, man.
That's when we freaking sent Rappaport up the river, 