Name: This Past Weekend with Chris D'Elia | This Past Weekend #186
Uploaded: 2019-04-01T07:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend with Chris D'Elia | This Past Weekend #186' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'This Past Weekend with Chris D'Elia | This Past Weekend #186' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-01. Transcript available.

This Past Weekend with Chris D'Elia | This Past Weekend #186

what's up you guys this is this past weekend this is this past weekend too many
this is already
here we go
i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far
from my home use google maps and my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll
patch up
where it's been blown this is too poetic for me now i'm just floating on the
breeze and i feel i'm
falling like these leaves i must be bishop gun
dude these guys look like they're all the same guy by the way
their versions are the same guy this is spy versus spy if they were a band
it's funky though huh and then what just fade it out
it's funky though it's very funky it's very real people-ish
this is this past weekend in case you motherfuckers don't know and april fools
bitch
april fools collective bitch you understand this is this past weekend
and uh that's bishop gun shine and they kill it huh
they kill it they look like the same dude three times in one band
like some guy made a band like like jesus christ was like we got to make a band
but i but i'm but
it's late it's late in the day and i'm tired as fuck so just use that three guy
just use that
one guy three times and that and what we're going to call them bishop gun that's
what we're going to
call them that's a real workings man song working man's song there um
here we are at fucking uh this past weekend and uh it's chrystalia here
and uh april fools on you motherfuckers so this is what's up man this is the
episode of this past
weekend here you got your guest host chrystalia and uh i came here and uh let
me tell you first of
all my first impressions now i've done this podcast before with theo as a guest
but i don't think he's
ever had a guest uh host right no this is me this is me and i'm here and first
of all they got way
too many computers on this motherfucker right here there's two desks two
computers and uh and i walk in
it's always hard to get into this place because they shoot the fighter and the
kid here too
and i think they do uh the anytime they try and capture somebody on to catch a
predator they do it
here uh in one of the rooms but uh i i get here and you know i i sit down and
uh you know what this
shit you know you know when you you know when you go to your friend's house
like you hang out your
you hang out with your friend a lot in uh in in in uh in class but then you go
over his house and
like you meet his family and shit and like you're like oh then it's there's
like an overwhelming sense
of smell and you're like that's what my fucking friend really smells like that's
what i feel right
now in this podcast this shit is how theo smells and it smells and i'm going to
tell you right now
you know how we roast each other we'll roast each other all day long you know
but uh this shit
smells good dude theo smells good as fuck and i want you to know that no i don't
give a fuck dude
this is how confident i am i'll come in here as a guest host i won't roast a
dude i'll come in and
tell you if you smell good you smell good this dude smells bonkers i'm being
serious and the thing
about theo is maybe if you look at him like in passing you'd be like that guy
smells probably
janky as fuck but he doesn't dude he doesn't smell janky as fuck he's got a
high ass like a black guy
but he doesn't smell janky as fuck uh theo's ass is in his shoulders and that's
a problem but he smells
good as fuck though this is how theo wipes his ass like that and that's
gangster but uh theo looks
like he would be in bishop gun he looks like he's probably the dp of bishop gun
be like we gotta get
another guy that looks like you um but i think they're friends so shout out to
bishop gun that song
kind of rocks that song pretty much rocks and i don't listen to that kind of
music but that that's
like some pickup truck type kind of just cruising down the whatever freeway 942
freeway or whatever
the fuck some interstate that i've never heard of that goes on for way too long
that they built in 1901
and you're just cruising along listen to some bishop gun with your lady that's
like a little too chubby
but you love the shit out of her and the chubs are in the right areas too dude
like she's a little
bit pear-shaped but also on a good day when she boosts those right areas up it
feels it look you're
like all right and the sun's coming down on the 942 freeway and you're just
fucking right there you're
right there with them and you're like sweetie let's get in the back of the
fucking thing or whatever let's
get in the back and just kill it there's too many belts in this room there's
too many belts in this room
and i'll tell you that much too there's the fucking fighter in the kid belt
which theo won twice
and then there's the fans like give them belts dude fans give them belts to
take home from the road
imagine like you got to take all this shit did i get artwork and all that and
sometimes i get like
cufflinks and like things for my dogs and shit but he's got belts dude people
just give him belts and
he's got like chunky belts people who don't know who theo is they give him
fucking chunky belts and he's
just walking down walking through the airport with chunky belts dude he's like
wearing a chunky belt
with another chunky belt over his shoulder oh my god this past weekend man we're
trying to get the
see this is what this is this april fools cross promotion type shit man we're
trying to bring the
cults together i don't know if theo calls his shit a cult but my shit's a legit
cult dude and people
think that our beef is real people just want beef to be real are wrestlers beefs
real we're wrestlers
i'm not saying it's not real or not but um yeah dude i drove here it's way too
far by the way it's
in like another it's in basically sacramento this studio um but this shit is uh
you know this shit is
good i'm on the road a lot and you know you pass comedians at the airport saw a
comedian uh a little
while ago on at the airport uh saw alonzo bowden saw um steve another comedian
named steve something
can't remember his name uh and i definitely should remember his name but i can't
remember his name but
it's okay because you don't know who i whose name i don't remember um but never
ran into never
ran into theo let me uh oh by the way when i got here i came with sushi and i
was going to eat it
during the podcast to be super respectful being respectful being disrespectful
is respectful like
if i come to theo's lair right and and we're just and and i'm like okay i want
to i'm a guest of the podcast
but it's my podcast now this episode is my podcast but i'm a guest and i bring
and i bring sushi
and i eat it during the podcast people be like well that's really disrespectful
why didn't he
eat the sushi beforehand or after i did eat it i did end up eating it
beforehand but i wanted to eat it
during him because that's the most respectful you could be me being comfortable
in theo's area
is like accepting it's like in like saudi arabia when when um when they're like
oh when you mention
you like something to a family and they have to give it to you you know we're
like oh that's a nice
pony and they're like it's yours and you're like no i don't how am i going to
get back to fucking
nebraska and they were like you have to take it otherwise we cut your hands off
you know that's a
real thing that they do you'd be like nice lamp and they say it's yours like no
i don't want the
lamp they say you take it or you die that's what they do in saudi arabia um and
so you so you so you
can't say you like stuff in saudi arabia otherwise you got to bring a lot of
fucking bags because
they'll put the stuff they you say wow that's a beautiful painting they say
open your arms and you
say why and they say do it or lose your hands and you say okay you open your
arms they take the painting
off of the wall and they put it in your arms and they say close your arms and
they say bye and they
say that the painting is 35 000 you're welcome and say i don't want this they
say get on the pony get
the fuck out of here and then you got to gallop with a fucking painting off to
the saudi arabia
international airport on a pony with a painting of like probably a pony you're
on a pony with a painting
of a pony that's like the most saudi arabian shit that's the most america
american in saudi arabia
shit you could do hey why do you listen to either of these podcasts by the way
all we do is bullshit
but we thank you for it we really do i love the fact that these comedians can
come on these podcasts
start a podcast by the way cheeto santino i have no idea what his real name is
but he started a podcast
a week ago and the guys are already charting that's great it proves that comedians
have personality
i don't know you know half the shit i say is is just you know bullshit and i
know theo too and
cheeto santino and whatever his real name is and byron callen and uh you know
that big beefy boy over
there uh but you know is what it is right you guys keep it mad cold in here too
but uh you know
i got my north face jacket on because they sent it to me and that's very nice
so shout out to north face
and uh yeah but you keep it cold and it's like ice hell in here but it's okay i
wouldn't want it's
probably a regulated regulated thing i bet theo feels like he has a real job to
come in here
you know like i do that shit in my house fuck that dude if i could have a
comedy store in my house
and somehow not have it be creepy and have it be like where people would show
up to my you know if
people who like would want to come see my show wouldn't be creepy but they
would um show up to my
house and i wouldn't have to worry about them like stabbing me or like taking
pictures and shit i
would do that i would keep i want to keep by the time i'm 65 if i i'm gonna
have a starbucks in my
house i fucked up i have a coffee bean in my house because starbucks is is just
straight up awful and
you know it um but yeah so how about the people that are like majorly pissed
off too about me doing
one episode of this that are just like you know i'm fucking theo fan and not a
chris fan well you
can just go over to fucking congratulations and you listen to theo april
fucking fools that's some
gangster shit um oh guess what dude exposing theo guess what he uses a fucking
hp computer bro
nick he's trying to take nick's trying to take the rap it's mine it's mine
shout out okay shine
dude you didn't shoot okay shine that was diddy in the club do you know what i'm
talking about what's
that fucking i don't mean shine the song by bishop gun i mean shine the fucking
uh the rapper remember
that rapper remember that rapper no you what are you fucking you're like 31 all
right so maybe not
shine rapper you do right rapper he he he took the rap for p diddy even though
p diddy
shot the fucking remember this shit this song is this the song that they do
he uses an hp it straight up is the last one that's the last hp that ever came
out and theo's like i'll
take it and then he said to fucking uh nick nick right he said hey if anybody
ever asked just will
please say that that's just you this one how's this guy not biggie is what i
want to know
dude the best is the guy in the back that's just
the guy didn't know didn't know sh they were like we want you on the he's like
hey we want you on the
track he was like what you want me to do i was like just fuck around and the
guy was like all right
this is so disrespectful
that's so gangster to be able to sing like that dude if i could sing like that
do you understand if i could sing like that i wouldn't do anything but sing
like that you know
musicals how people just break out in songs and you just buy it and shit that's
what i would do in
real life and i would expect people to come back and do the fucking other parts
and they'd be like
what are you doing asshole and i would be like dude this is a musical
say words i guess not though dude if you could sing that well
why say words that's actually some genius shit
shine went to jail because he fucking took the rap
when didd