Name: Fake Machu Picchu | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #188
Uploaded: 2019-04-09T06:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Machu Picchu | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #188' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Machu Picchu | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #188' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-09. Transcript available.

Fake Machu Picchu | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #188

Are you touching yourself?
Well, shut it down and act right.
It's time for the dang episode.
It's time for the dang episode.
Come on now.
It's you and me.
Enjoy the destination.
Nation.
Nation.
Nation.
Fantasy.
Painted on the wall.
It's never too late to come over.
Time slips away from you and me now.
So don't hesitate to come over.
Why must we wait when we're alive?
And that right there, that's Stevie Starlight.
Stevie Starlight.
And that's his hit song, Come Over.
And that music video is located on the YouTubes.
You can get on there and get you a free hit of Stevie Starlight whenever you
want.
And he came in here a while back and did a music review with us.
And, man, it was really enjoyable.
It was really.
You know, he's a special, he's a special, he's just something that, you know,
sometimes the Lord just takes a syringe and just injects something, something
unique into the universe.
And that is Stevie Starlight.
And that is who he is and that is his song, Come Over.
He has a new album out, too, I think, somewhere out there.
So you can go peep it.
Back, it's me.
It's me back in studio.
It's, uh, or not, it's me, but it's interesting to be back in my own studio,
our studio.
Because Chris D'Elia was here.
Fucking Critter Delano was here.
Fucking Crispy Damiani was here.
Okay?
And who knows what he did?
Look, I remember when I came back in after he'd been in here, it smelled like a,
um,
you know, sometimes you'll see that fancy store they have in the airport, Johnston
and Murphy's.
And a lot of people don't know the history of Johnston and Murphy's.
And Johnston and Murphy's were two men that, I mean, they had wives, but they
wasn't thinking about them, let's say that.
And they would, you know, they were constantly trying to just dress better than
each other and, you know, tie their shoes faster.
You know, I think it was, uh, uh, a man, I think I could look at it, Benjamin
Johnson and Dustin Murphy and Benny and Dusty.
And they would, you know, they were always trying to have pants that could fit
as good as they could.
And just, oh, just, oh, button my shirt as fast as I can.
And they would just, you know, everything was just perfect.
And they just looked all just so perfect.
And they kept, like, trying to outdo each other.
One of them would put on a bow tie.
And one of them would put on a little, you know, a little, uh, a tight, small
scarf, you know.
And just so tight he could only whisper.
His throat wasn't fully open.
And one of them would wear real tight socks and just so tight that his legs
would look a little plumper because the blood and the, the extra foot meat
would kind of coagulate upward.
It would boil upward and stretch upward, you know, stress upward into his legs
because the tight socks.
And that was Johnston and Murphy.
And finally, they just fell in love with each other.
And that's really, if you notice that store, if you go in there, nobody's in
there.
It's at the airport.
And it smells fancy.
It smells leathery.
It smells like somebody just took a damn cow and just beat the walls with it.
I mean, it just smells all leathery.
They might even have a little bit of leather, uh, dust and they're sprinkling
it around.
It might be fake.
That fake leather, you know.
Sometimes you'll see somebody with a little, I bet if you go in there around
opening time, 6 a.m. or whenever, whenever Benny and Dusty allow their little
store to be open, you'll see somebody with a little can of fucking leather dust
sprinkling that shit and hiding it under the different, the mediums and, you
know, putting a little in the bottom of the sock just to get that smell in
there.
But if you go in there, it's fancy.
And that's exactly what it smelled like when I got back here from, uh, from, uh,
Crust.
Uh, what is his name?
Crust da, Crust da Ipshit.
Crust da Ipshit.
When, uh, when I got back from, um, when Crust da Ipshit took over the podcast,
it smelled fancy.
It smelled like that Johnson and Murphy's.
So, and that story, it's kind of a beautiful story.
It's kind of like the Romeo and Juliet of the fashion industry.
Because here you had two men, they had wives and they had lawnmowers, you know,
and one of them had one of them gas powered blenders that he would, you know,
he'd use it, you know, down in Fort Lauderdale beach or down in Destin.
To get the damn, to make a margarita.
You know, he had a, he had a, he had a 85, uh, outboard motor on a damn blender.
And he mixed a margarita guy.
Now you can make a margarita so fast, bro.
You could lose your arm.
That's how quick that blade was going.
You could lose your damn arm.
You could lose somebody else's arm.
That's how, how much the blade would spin.
But, uh, but that's, you know, that's the smell that was in here.
It was a fancier smell, a smell I'm not used to.
And that is the type of smell you get when you have, uh, Chris D'Antoni in here.
And Chris D'Antoni is a, uh, a male comedian.
You know who he is.
And he knows who he is.
He's a phenomenal young fella, Christopher.
And he, he, uh, Chris prefer, I'm not sure how he says it, but he was in here
and we switched
and happy, uh, bladed April fools because dude, I, uh, I forgot we did it.
And I knew, but I was like, what is this going to be like?
And when I saw him in the studio, when I saw Chris in this studio, it, it blew
my mind.
I was like, what?
It felt like I've never lost my virginity.
Um, with a vagina.
Like in my vagina.
Cause I don't have a vagina, but I imagine a little bit that that was kind of
what it
was like, you know, because there was nothing happening.
And suddenly it was just overwhelmingly happening.
And there was this tall sort of bearded, you know, kind of vestibule of a man.
And he was like a three or four story man.
He was so tall and he had like, you know, his voice was deeper and he had like
a long stringy
hair.
And he just reminded me of just God damn.
He reminded me of just everybody all wrapped in one from the second season of
lost.
And, uh, and he, next thing I know he was there and he was just invading my
little space.
And then it was gone.
I mean, it was over.
So anyway, that's, that got kind of homoerotic all of a sudden.
But what I'm saying is I love tits.
Um, but yeah, I'm sure I can only imagine how I wish, I wish I could have said,
Hey, let's
see some reaction videos from people on YouTube.
Just the surprise of, uh, of, uh, of Driss, Drissman.
What's his name?
Drissman Cornelia being in here, but it was fun, man.
It was hard.
Honestly, it was hard being on his podcast.
I didn't, I, there's nothing to do there.
You go to his house and let me tell you his house, bro, it's crazy.
They have a drawbridge at Chris, at Chris's house.
They have a drawbridge and has people, dude, it comes down and then there's
people drawing
on it.
It has puns built into it.
There was two guys drawing.
Like, what are y'all drawing?
They're like, whatever he wants, whatever he wants today.
And, you know, and then you go up there and, and, and, uh, and you get up there
and there's
an old man standing there at the top of this hill.
And he's like, do you know the password, son?
And I was like, fuck you, dude.
It was actually just a homeless guy.
It had nothing to do with Chris's place.
Uh, but you get over to his place, man.
It's nice.
They got so many stairs.
Huh?
I thought I was a damn, uh, uh, uh, uh, Maku Piku.
You know, I thought I was at Maku damn Piku or a fake Maku Piku.
Remember, um, you know, a lot of cruises, if you go down to Mexico or, uh, yeah,
if you
go down to Mexico, a lot of cruises go down to somewhere where Maku Piku is.
But someone a few years ago built a fake Maku Piku and they were taking people
to it, just
real idiots.
And they'd put them on his boat, this vessel and get them over there.
So you had all these people in this fake ass Maku Piku, you know, meanwhile,
off the side,
you got a couple of bags of quick Creek cause they just built the shit.
Uh, and they're telling these people that it's an ancient burial grounds and it's
an ancient
pyramid and it wasn't.
They busted those people.
But thousands of people fell for it, spent a lot of money to go there and see a
fake
Maku Piku.
So just different times, man.
But yeah, I haven't talked to you guys since I came back from, uh, well, this
weekend I
was in, I don't even know where I was last weekend.
Was it San Jose?
Maybe it was.
San Jose was, it was a wonderful, that was a blast this weekend.
Oh, last week it was Tempe, it was Phoenix.
And it was cool, man.
My mother came out and it was the first time that she'd seen me, uh, perform in
five years.
And it was cool, man.
You know, uh, her husband passed away recently about, uh, about three weeks ago.
And, you know, it's interesting cause I never had a relationship with him.
Mr.
Charlie, that was his, that was his name.
And I never had a relationship with that man, really.
You know, I was a kid when he came around and I was real rebellious anyway, in
my mind and
in my heart.
And I never, you know, he would take us over there to the Holiday Inn, get us a
little breakfast,
get us a little, they had a, you know, a stack of waffle, French toast,
different items.
And they put that whipped cream on it.
And I mean, that whipped cream was, that, that shit had been whipped, dude.
Dude, you, in Louisiana, they got some real whipped cream over there.
At that Holiday Inn buffet over there off Highway 190, they got the real deal
whipped cream.
I mean, that cream has been beaten, bruh.
Dude, my shit had a boxing glove in it.
I remember the whipped cream that came on them hotcakes.
I'm like, damn, what is this?
This shit was autographed by, uh, by Buster Douglas.
You know, that, that cream had been whipped, dude.
I was eating, and next thing you know, a couple, a couple brothers came out and
just beat the
fuck out of, uh, out of the cream again.
I was like, God damn, man.
I'm trying to eat, gentlemen.
They said, sorry, bud, man.
We just, man, we fucking this cream up.
Dude, that cream had been, I mean, this, so I remember that, about that Holiday
Inn,
Mr. Charley would take us over there and take my mother out on Sunday, and he
would take us to a brunch.
And if we'd been well-behaved, and if he, if he had a little bit extra money,
he would get, you know,
he'd let us tag along.
And we'd sit there, and, and, uh, and then it, and he would get us that whipped
cream on the, on the hotcakes,
and they put the, I mean, that shit had been whipped.
One time, some of it, you know, kind of snuck over to me, some of the cream,
and was like,
hey, man, hey, you know, they beating us at the house.
Man, I need some help.
I need some help.
One time, some of the whipped cream was like, hey, hey, take this note, man,
give this to somebody who cares.
And I opened the note up, I was like, help us.
Signed, cream.
I was like, damn, man, they fucking beating this cream around here.
Shit ain't safe out in these cream streets, boy.
There's some scary dairy.
They got these scary dairy actles around here.
But Mr. Charlie passed away, man, you know, and I know my mom was kind of, you
know,
it kind of broke her heart a little bit.
And, um, and, you know, at first, I didn't really think about it.
I just, you know, because he didn't really mean anything to me.
But it took me an extra beat to kind of think about, well, what did this man
mean to her, you know?
And I've had, I remember a guy called a while, a year, year and a half ago, he
called in, he was talking about, you know,
or he emailed me and he said, hey, man, you know, I have to, my mom's getting
married this weekend to a man and I don't like him.
And, and I, and I remember thinking, well, but does your mom like him?
You know, cause it, and, and, and, and I, and I'm glad I had that moment with
that guy that emailed because it, I needed,
I used that moment the other day when I was like, you know, it doesn't matter.
Like I didn't have a relationship with this man, Mr. Charlie, but he, uh, but
he, you know, my mother cared about him.
And so then, yo