Name: Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #192
Uploaded: 2019-04-22T15:20:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #192' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #192' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-22. Transcript available.

Easter | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #192

He's back.
He's back.
And that is.
All right.
And that is some very awkward intro Easter music right there.
And that's intro.
That's Easter.
Because it's Easter.
Think about it.
Dude, I can't look at it on Easter.
I'll tell you this here.
If I even on Easter now, when I hear even somebody crack an egg in the morning,
you hear them crack that egg.
And you think, oh, man, what?
And that's Jesus, brother.
And now what is that?
Is that an omelet?
What is that?
That's Jesus.
Is that a crepe?
That's Jesus crepest.
Because you get that.
You just, in your brain, in my brain, I get that feeling.
That Jesus is in the air, baby.
Because Jesus, look, he's that beautiful burglar.
And he'll break right into your heart if you let him.
And he can be, look, different people have different Jesuses in their life.
You could have a different, you know, your Jesus may have a different name, a
different shape.
You know, your Jesus may damn, you know, he may have a damn dream catcher
around his neck.
And he may have a couple tattoos on his arm.
You know, he may be in a full body cast or he may have a knee brace on.
Because he's been playing basketball on his lunch break and he hurt himself a
little bit.
But however he is, he could break right into your heart.
And that's kind of, that's how it goes on Easter.
And that's what that music right there, that is called The Stories, Time Tells.
More Than Family, that's what that little ditty is.
And honestly, I thought the music was pretty bad.
I thought it was going to be better.
But welcome to this past weekend.
Thank you, guys.
Man, I'm down here in Baton Rouge.
Let me make sure this camera's on.
I'm down here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana at my brother's house.
Listen, just got done doing a fort with the children.
And that fort, man, you remember when you were young, that fort was everything.
Man, we building a fort.
You got to stay over tonight.
We building a damn fort.
And your buddy would be like, huh?
And you'd be like, fuck you, buddy.
We building a fort.
Everybody I knew was a general contractor when it's fort time.
You could tie anything into a fort.
You tie a lamp in.
You tie the sheet to a lamp.
Make your tall dog.
If you had like a little poodle, make him stand there in the corner and tie a
sheet around his neck.
He's got to hold a corner.
Everybody's got to hold a corner.
And then you got there and you had your little, maybe you'd have a plant pot
and you'd put one corner of the sheet under that and then another.
Then you'd get another sheet of blanket.
Everything in the house goes into making the fort.
And then you'd get up in that bastard and you're all lonely.
And I'm like, damn, man, this is, this is probably what it's like one day if
you don't get married and don't have any, you know, don't have any family.
But anyhow, happy Easter to you.
And I hope it was a beautiful day.
I'm down here at my brother's in the living room down here in Baton Rouge.
And, uh, man, we had a nice time watching the children.
The children was all out here and one of the children ain't even brushing their
teeth very much.
And so he lost, he already lost a couple of damn teeth.
So, you know, but that's the Lord, brother.
And the Lord will let you into his, into his heart, even if you have no teeth.
Think about that.
That's what you got to think, man.
That faith, that welcoming, that welcoming feel of faith,
that long arm of faith will open the door for even the toothless.
Because most of us will let almost anybody in the house that looks thirsty.
But if they don't have that grill,
they don't have at least a couple of chicletas in their mouth, bro.
Then we shut it down for them, you know?
And that's, there's just something about that grill that really, that's that,
uh, it's a, it's almost like a handshake in your mouth.
If people, if somebody have that grill, they have that first element of
introduction, of comfortable introduction.
But, you know, that's when you know that Jesus got a big old heart because he
even loved the toothless.
Um, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up?
What's up?
I'm down here in, uh, in Louisiana.
I came down here.
I went over to Dustin Poirier's and I saw the strap.
Dude, it was cool.
You know, it was cool to go see that belt.
And he's got that reel, that piece, you know?
And, uh, and then I spent the rest of the time with family and friends, um, my
stepmom, like, I used to live with a family when I was growing up and the mom
kind of bit the dust the other day.
She, I think, was jacked up on a couple of quaaludes or something and she bit
the dust at the party, at the Easter party and she had to hit the hospital.
But she's all good.
She came back and still downed a couple cupcakes and, uh, um, and, uh, and a
ginger ale.
So, I mean, fuck, you know we in business, son.
Um, and what else, man?
I hung out here, went to church this morning, dude.
It was cold.
And one thing I realized about myself is I'm, I'm down for the, I'm D, uh, you
know, I'm DFTL.
I'm down for the Lord, but it was really cold in there and I was like, you know,
I don't know if I could stay in here.
I like, I like my God.
I like a room temperature God, I think, you know, I like a room temperature,
higher power.
I like my higher power at room temperature.
And it was real cold in there.
I said, man, it's gonna be, you know, I think God, and God knows I want, I want
that room temperature deity.
I want that room temperature deity, so.
But we had a good time and we just did Easter stuff today.
The kid, they had a jumpy house for the children and somebody urinated in there
and that's always, usually a buzzkill.
But down here in South Louisiana, dude, that just means, fuck, you gotta jump
around it.
That's what the kid said.
And you know, dude, when they're saying you gotta jump around the urine in the
jumpy house, that's some real, I mean, those, that's some real children right
there.
Because you get that much urine airborne in that jumpy house and you know it,
that, I mean, that thing is turning into a damn, that's like a swingers thing.
You know, and I got stuck at this swingers deal one time and they had a bunch
of people, you know, they took the light bulb out of the elevator at nighttime
at this hotel.
And they were all in there touching each other and I don't even know, Jesus.
But I took the stairs the next morning for the breakfast bar, that's for sure.
What else, man?
What else is going on?
Not much down here, just very peaceful.
A peaceful time down here, Easter weekend.
You know, a lot of joy in the air.
You see a lot of people.
It's almost like that little, it's like that baby Christmas.
And you got that rabbit and you got diabetes, everybody trying to sneak a snicker.
And that's how it always has been.
When I was young, man, you get a little bit of chocolate or you get, you know,
we used to have this dude in our neighborhood named Big Roy.
And he was, I mean, he was allegedly, you know, a homosexual, you know, homeowner.
They used to call them homeowners.
And he's a beautiful fella, beautiful hair, I remember that.
I mean, damn, he had, he had about four feet of hair just stacked into one foot
on his head.
And he almost, his hair would just bat, it's almost like he could play a flute,
a flute, like a snake flute.
You ever seen those snake flutes on the internet where the guy plays it and
they have a snake.
Well, he could do, he could play a flute and his hair would just kind of
tighten itself up and really just kind of hold on to each other.
His hair was like, it was like a damn, just gang bang up there.
And all the follicles were just wrapped up in each other's arms.
And who knows what they were doing, you know, hair fucking.
But, but anyway, he, what am I talking about?
But anyway, I think he was, he was, I remember one time he got some, it was
Easter and he got some eggs that had this, a little bit of creme in them.
And creme is the kind of stuff, man, it's something they, it's kind of perverted,
I think.
It's supposed to, I don't know what it is, hell.
But they hide it, it's kind of like a sweet juice that they hide inside of
things.
You know, you might get a, a donut have a little bit of creme in it.
You might get a little, he got these Cadbury eggs, these British eggs.
And these bitches was real royal looking, they wrapped them in like this royal
foil.
And it looked like, I mean, it looked like damn, you know, Winston Church Hill
himself fucking, you know, like, like Winston Church's Hill chicken had hatched
this bitch.
This was a beautiful egg.
It was wrapped in like a delicate fall.
And you got that egg and you cracked that thing open.
When you bit into it, it had this creme that would, I mean, drip out of your
damn mouth, bro.
So if you wasn't, if you wasn't trying to meet a man, but if you had one of
them eggs, boy, you could, it was easy.
You was, suddenly men were trying to meet you because that creme would leak out
of the side of your mouth.
You know, like, you know, like that creme was just up to no good and it, and it
wanted to just party and you were trying to keep it inside of your face and
that creme, that creme really wanted to party.
But I remember that and I remember watching him eat them.
And he was a little older than me and he got a sack of them for Easter one year.
He got about maybe seven of these, these Cadbury's, these, these little British
chocolate, just hitters, man.
I mean, just look like nut.
It looked like a damn, like a big nut off a damn, like a damn gay dolphin or
something.
And Big Roy just made me watch him eat all six of them.
And I'm like, damn, bro, I don't, fuck, I don't know what's going on.
But I didn't, you know, I didn't masturbate or anything like that.
I just, you know, went on about the rest of my day.
It was just Easter.
So, but anyway, yeah, that's it, man.
That's it.
That's, that's really what's going on.
And where did we leave off the last episode?
I was talking a little bit about, well, I don't want to get into that.
I talked about how, you know, the escort thing in Vegas.
I don't want to get it, I don't want to not get into it, but I'll get into it
at a different time because I'm here.
You know, it's Easter.
And today I want to talk about, I don't know what I want to talk about.
Well, what's been going on?
I got, well, I mean, we know as always that this episode is brought to you by
Gray Block Pizza.
You know that.
And that's at 1811 Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles on the way to the beach.
If you're not sure what's in your mouth, then maybe you should do a, do a
little bit of check.
You know, run a cheese check, run a crust bust, see what kind of things are
milling around in and outside of your offices.
Because I'll tell you this, if you find cheese when you cheese check, you find
crust when you crust bust, then you know you might have Gray Block Pizza.
Get that hitter.
And we had a couple of people that called in actually with Gray Block Ads
because you guys wanted to try some of them.
So let's hear one right here.
This episode of this podcast is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
It's like, you ever, you ever been down, down near the beach thinking like, hey,
I think that it's a pretty good time for some pizza.
Well, it's Gray Block.
It's right there.
It's by the beach.
And yeah, they got hitter and pepperoni and shit like, oh, I shouldn't swear.
Sorry.
It's a podcast.
Yeah, episode 692 brought to you by the pizza from Gray Block.
It's by the beach.
Just bring your towel, sunscreen.
It's pretty hot in California.
There you go.
And that's one young fella sent that in.
And we'll play one more that came in.
This is just a funny thing.
A couple people hit him onto the hotline, which is always 985-664-9503.
Let's get that extra Gray Block.
This is Ricky, and this is my read for the Gray Block Pizza.
Oh, sweet Ricky.
And you can hear he got a little bit of that creme on his voice, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
He got that diabetic drip, that little sugar squirt coming off the edge of him.
And that sweet Ricky