Name: Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #195
Uploaded: 2019-05-02T13:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #195' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #195' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-02. Transcript available.

Nick Swardson | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #195

it is what it is huh that's that's what it is today's episode is brought to you
by
gray block pizza i would like to announce some new tour dates um the dark arts
tour will be
going to some uh cities for the first time and returning to some for some
people that weren't
able to get tickets the first time i will be in vancouver seattle portland boise
san antonio austin
tulsa oklahoma city sacramento las vegas memphis atlanta louisville biloxi sayerville
new jersey
bethlehem pa oxen hill maryland and that's that washington dc area i know that
those
shows the previous ones you know there weren't a lot of tickets available cleveland
indianapolis
grand rapids detroit gonna go over there and my cousin uh long neck will be out
there on that show
with me he'll be making a appearance um second cousin and milwaukee and madison
wisconsin all of those it's
the dark arts tour it's the same um you know it's the set that i've been doing
this year and it evolves
some but uh i just want to let you know what set it is so you know when you
come what to expect and
those tickets are all going on sale this tuesday what's that date nick tuesday
may
tuesday april 30th tuesday april 30th at 10 a.m local time so whatever your
local time is at 10
at 10 on your clock in the a.m when the sun's out then that's the time then you
can get those tickets
you can use the pre-sale code onward uh o-n-w-a-r-d and those tickets are only
available to our listeners
and um to people that follow follow me on some social media platforms and uh
and so that means that
they're for us first so other people can't get them other people that's not in
our in our little
universe they can't get them yet and that uh pre-sale code again is onward and
um and the the
locales will be on the websites you can see what location but those are the
cities and thank you guys
so much for your support you know uh it's really amazing when i left the comedy
club this weekend in
west palm beach the lady came to me last night they got a lady manager there
and she came to me
hard-working lady and you came she came to me and she said you know your fans
the the people that come
to your shows uh are so nice and i say yes they are and i said i'm happy to be
one of uh a member of
that group who we're just we're trying our best that's what i told her um all
right today's guest is a
young guy uh who i really admire and who honestly is i don't know if there's
any there's only a couple
people that make me laugh harder and i think he's really just one of the sweetest
guys that i know
and he has a big heart um i mean the guy probably has nine aortas and
unfortunately three of them have
been eating taco bell and haven't been sleeping much uh he's he's he just got
off set filming a film
with david spade and um and i'm happy to be able to spend to spend time with
him today
ladies and gentlemen um mr nick swartzen
there's a woman who uh no there isn't
yeah please just add in with that i gotta go bro i can't take any more of these
lies about
i gotta go man yeah good oh yeah boy the fucking champ baby there you go that's
strapodactyl son
that shit looks legit welcome to strapganistan baby you know what i'm saying i
got two and if you want
them they're right next door i'm gonna get michael rappevord's gum from under
this fucking table dude
delia's gonna be pissed let him get pissed bro in his mansion dude i'll tell
you what he can't buy
is two motherfucking belts baby
congratulations
i'll see you guys soon man thank you bro
theo vaughn
appreciate that
good shit theo
yeah bro
nick swartzen
next
next
take it on the road
guest starring starring nick swartzen and theo vaughn
very nice dude we'll be at the hk you know what i'm saying
giving hjs bro see you at the hong kong
what is hk
hong kong
oh sorry
come and do a guest spot
later boy
bye guys
bless your hearts
bless your heart
how are you man good to see you
thanks for coming in
yeah dude of course
dude that belt is fucking holy shit nice huh
that's really heavy
look at that
wow man we got the belt
got the new strap
yeah we can see it
shit's legit
oh
hefty
got some girth on it huh
yeah that's some fucking girth of a nation
i'll put it
wow
fuck
what do we do just put it right there
yeah i think so
we got you
yeah you're right
and we'll put the
the beginning of all that
fighter and the kids stuff
at the beginning of this episode
they just got put on blast
we put them on blast so hard
oh we just
what'd you call
what'd you call
brendan bro
i don't even know
oh yeah
sigfried and roid
bro i can't even believe those guys
are
and were they
i don't
were they lovers
or what was their deal
originally
i can't remember how they first got into the game
yeah i don't know how that link happened dude
but it's
somebody's got to get to the bottom
and top of it
and figure out which one's which
oh there's some real
no joke
bro the sexual tension in there was
i mean you could cut it with just a piece of string
it was very easy to cut
dude you could cut it with a string
but the string has balls on it
that's how fucking thick it was
and it seemed like there was
i don't know something
it was just very alarming in there
it was fun watching brendan try to remember words
it's good
it was cool
when you watch his mind work
it's it's like
like a baby elephant
like falling to earth
and like just kind of looking around
and trying to just pick up what other humans are doing
yeah
it's cool
it's a fun process
it is
people often liken it to watching
like a d
like a d or take its first
steps
yeah
for sure
you know but forever
yeah and the deer already worked out
to get ready for it
and it still can't walk
yeah
like it already did 3,000 push-ups
and it's like
i'm gonna fucking walk
and it just
fails
just far
i saw him
and he's just misguided too
he
i saw him doing curls one time before a spelling bee
you know it's like
yeah
that's
that's bad dude
it doesn't work
he doesn't realize that
he just
he over juices dude
and brian doesn't help
because he sees the opposite
yeah
where brian works down
yeah
he tries to take his push-ups away
yeah yeah he's doing negatives
he does negatives too
and brian's lost a lot of weight in the past years
almost 30 percent of his body weight
yeah he lost
he removed several bones
oh yeah
yeah
just to kind of thin out a little bit
ever since that last moon landing
you know
it just hasn't been the same
no
and then he modeled his face after it
and he saw the moon
he's like
i gotta get that
permanently on my face
nicholas swartzen is here today man
what's up
good to see you
good to see you
you just made a movie
you just made a movie
you were the lead in
is that right
i made a talkie
i was a co-lead
to my boy david spade
so yeah
that was fun
we shot in hawaii
and i got a great tan
as you can tell
you still look
yeah you have a little bit of tan
i have a little bit of color
but not
you know
i had to stay out of the sun
that's my excuse
i had to stay out of the sun
and not work out
well people were
people were starting to yell racial slur
i mean you got pretty bronze
didn't you
yeah
it got really ugly man
yeah
no the director was like
he seriously said
he had to stay
i had to stay out of the sun
so it wouldn't match
other shots
and then i
i thought that that meant
stay out of the sun
and the gym
so i just combineded them
i like that
yeah
it was good
but you know david spade at all
you know
i recently got to know him
over the past year
very unique guy
yeah
he kind of keeps himself
a little bit
he kind of
a lot of people
like i was with him somewhere
and people thought he was
macaulay culkin
and i thought that that was
uh
that was kind of an interesting
moment in his career
yeah
that's pretty interesting
then or now
i don't know
or in the future
they're like
are you macaulay culkin
in 50 years
i think
i think now
well macaulay's age not well
have you seen him recently
i do a bit on stage about it
because i was on my computer
and a pop-up thing happened
it was like celebrities
that look like shit
and they had macaulay culkin
and they showed a picture of him
and you know what i mean
he's like 30 or something
whatever the fuck it was
but then they referenced
a picture of him
from home alone
and i was like
well you can't reference that
they're like
ah look at him that
now look what he fucking looks like
i'm like yeah
the dude was nine
who
how do you reference that
you can't reference that
against what
life has done to people
in 30 fucking years
yeah
unless you
yeah
yeah how do you do that man
it's like
you can't keep up with yourself
you can't always look like
you're not
no you can try
yeah
or if i look like i was nine
i would just
i would be like
just hit me with a brick
or just take me out
because something's gone
horribly wrong
well you know they busted a guy
and this was in indiana
or um
it was probably just indiana
because that
yeah
that's
a lot of shit
that's off there
but yeah sorry
they busted a guy there
he was a
uh
adult
and he had like a
some deficiency or something
and he was going to school
at a middle school
and he was 31 years old
right
right
what's going on
you hear something in here
yeah
it is cool
it's like a hype thing
oh it's wrestling
it's joe rogan
is it
yeah
what
where next door
in there
in the back of all of our heads
of america right now
we're in
i wouldn't be surprised
if rogan did implant
a chip
and i know
he just secretly
just like
what's up man
and just high five
and then chip
into your fucking hand
and he just watches over
in his fucking icicle
but he just sits in nude
yeah
on fucking 40 different stimulants
oh
just with third eye
fifth eye
seven eyes
just fucking
ew
oh he dropped a fucking chakra
the other day
i was walking behind him
and a chakra fell right out of his pocket
oh my gosh
and i had to pick it up
and give it to him
dude i
different times
yeah i caught him in the bathroom
and his body was full on
from the movie cocoon
oh wow
when it was all gold and shiny
and you have to like
look away
yeah
and he was like
oh
and then he pulled his pants
and i was like
what the fuck dude
and he just floated away
through the wall
oh yeah
he's got that
bro yeah
dude
he's got powers dude
oh i saw him
wait what
sorry yeah
i saw him eating owl nuggets bro
straight owl
oh dude
100% pure owl nuggets
eating them out of a fucking bag
uncooked
dude
that's what he does man
i saw him the other day
he was backstage comedy store
eating ferret sashimi
oh yeah
dude i was like
what that's not even a food
he's like
yeah i killed it with a crayon
yeah
i'm like what
the fuck
dude he had a fucking quart
a fresh quart of moon glow bro
oh my god
yeah
just iridescence off the fucking moon bro
yeah
oh jesus
non-liquid based he told me
i'm like what
dude no rules
like i saw him take a grenade
that was just filled with soil
and just swallowed it
and fucking detonated it
and it was just pure soil
from egypt
i don't even know if they have soil
and it just detonated
and then all of a sudden
it's an ab workout
yeah
his whole abs were like perfect
and then a fucking
a golden cat ran out of his ass
oh
wow
yeah
it doesn't play
and where was that locally
dude that was
we're in the middle of the 405 freeway
oh my god man
yeah it was nuts
he doesn't care
he does some of his best work
on the 405 man
yeah no he's ledge
wait who was from uh
oh i saw him suck the cystic fibrosis
right out of a kid once
oh my god
he is a healer too
oh my god
that makes sense dude
yeah he spit it right out of a window man
it was fucking sexy too dude
yeah that's sick
and it just went out into the ether
yeah that was it
it just traveled
and went right into calen
oh yeah
calen absorbs i feel like
every kind of disease and ailment
and he processes it
and just lets it emit
he's a liver
he's basically the liver
he's like keith richards
and like a pirate
from like
like an old pirate
that's done some
fucking dirty shit
yeah like a pirate
that's still out there sailing
yeah
like just milling around the harbor
in st petersburg
just still
i think brian calen's
real name was john
j