Name: Comfort Cat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #196
Uploaded: 2019-05-07T06:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comfort Cat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #196' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Comfort Cat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #196' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-07. Transcript available.

Comfort Cat | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #196

and i can't figure out if i should put my hat on or hat off you ever have that
and women y'all are lucky unless it's a like a um you know kind of a women that
do tennis or a
lesbian type of lady that likes to wear a man like a hat then you don't have to
regularly decide
hat or no hat hat or no hat a lot of stuff goes into that when you're a fella
when you're a man you
know when you're an adult male because it's a matter like okay do do my hair do
my hair look
nice enough today or do i just hide that shit you know just be a i had a dactyl
you feel me i had a
hippopotamus you know do you or do you say look i'm a ride with the with the
lord's drapes today
and let your hair go you know i'm gonna do that thing a little i'm gonna do
that dangle and let
your hair go am i look there are days when i feel like i'm losing hair like i
woke up the morning in
the morning i'm down maybe 70 hairs or down maybe 60 80 100 hair or 100 200
hairs
and i say dang well i'm doing hat today and there's there's days when i wake up
and i'm feeling full
like my hair like uh like maybe my hair had other hair stay overnight and sleep
at the house
and so suddenly my head looks full of hair you know like it's like a family
reunion or something
for follicles
let's get into the episode
i'm just sitting on your front porch wondering how could i be so far from my
home
home
and my mind is somewhere else but when i find it i'll patch up where it's been
blown
now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i
must be
in my mind
cornerstone
cornerstone
i'm over
oh but when i reach that ground i'll share this peace of mind i found i can
feel it in my bones
but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let
myself unwind
shine
shine that light on me
i'll sit and tell you my stories
shine on me
and i will
find a song
i will sing it just for you
wow thank you uh hello hello everyone i'm coming to you it is um monday may 6
in the year 2019
2019 we're calling it or 2019 for people that just do individual numbers
but still keep time
this is it this is where we are
you know this is where we are this is where i am that's what i'm realizing a
little bit today
this is where i am
you know sometime and i don't like making decisions man
this hat thing i couldn't do i go hat do i go no hat
and then i started thinking at least man we have that option
you got that get out of uh
you got that get out of uh
you got that get out of uh
if your hair looks if your hair is looking a little ugly in the morning you got
that get out of ugly free card
that hat
that hat
you put the hat on
a hat is just a small apartment for your head
once you get inside a hat it's almost like being indoors a little bit and that's
what i'll i've always enjoyed the most about a hat
is that
you put a hat on and suddenly
it's like you're indoors a little bit
it's like you got a little
you know like um
you got a little more a little more between you and the world you got a little
bit of
you know i like being a little bit more comforted
i'm that comforted cat
some cats you see them out there on the power lines walking the power lines
and doing uh cigarettes and um
you know maybe they uh
they'll get their tail corn road
and they're out there and fucking you know
doing dice and shit like that
and hanging out you know
out in philadelphia and different places you know but
i'm that comfort cat
i like to have a little bit of a hat on sometimes
you know i like to
put you know sometimes i'll put a little bit of cotton in my shirt
i'll empty a bag of cotton into my shirt
so people can't see it out here but i'm comforted
i got that extra go on
happening
i got that at you know
you know i got that
i got that
that fluff inside of me
just
just
i need a little bit more comfort
you know sometime i
i used to have a neighbor and he was
real real big guy
and they called him
his name was wayne but they called him fat wayne
i didn't call him that his dad did actually but
and uh
i'd sleep over at his house sometimes
and we'd sleep in his bed
we was laying his bed you know
because he lived there
and he had it
and that's where he kept his bed obviously
and we would lay in his bed
and when he fell asleep you couldn't wake him up
you thought he was dead until he woke up and he may have been dead
he may not even have actually gone to sleep at night
he may have died
and then just
just risen every morning you know
maybe he just had those religious
you know he just zoned out and then rezone back in
but
he would when so when he would fall asleep it
you know you could you could put things on his back
you could do um
you know you could play soldiers on his back
and do little you know the army coming up over here up over to uh
you know the scapula and then the other
you know you could do fighters you know rambo versus
you know she-ra
and um
and you could do different stuff like that
on his back
you know you could do whatever
but I remember when I would go to
when I would be time for bed
I would lay down next to him
and I put his arm over me
and his arm had like a tattoo on it or something
I don't remember what it was
now what was that
it may have been a couple um
what was that a snowman or something or some bacon
and his arm and I'd put his arm over me
I'd put his arm over me and then that's how I would sleep
you know I'm just that comfort cat
you know I'm just that comfort cat man
I like to have a little bit of
extra
I like to have a little bit
I need a little more support
you know I'm the kind of guy
you'll find a training wheel
on my back
just one
just that one hitter
you know I'm the kind of guy who uh
who if I lay down next to you
I'll throw it
I'll throw your arm over me
you know
for a little while now
you know I'll share
I'll do you for a while too
you know once I get a little rest
I'll wake up and I'll throw one of my arms over you
or two arms
because I got lean medium arms
I got these medium reachers
I can't even
if somebody with really short arms
wants to shake my hand
I can't get there
you know those medium arms
but I'll put both of them on you
so you uh
feel a little bit of comfort as well
because I know what it feels like
you know I know what it feels like
not only do I recognize that I need comfort
but then I have to then also do the inverse of that
I got to recognize what it feels like
if somebody else needs comfort
because I have to notice that
like if there's something that I have a
that I require
then there's going to be something that somebody else
then there's
then I should notice that same requirement
or deficiency in others immediately
you know and that's really been something that
has been brought to some of the forefront of my life
over the past couple years
since I started trying to get into like 12 step
and learning about things is that
is some of that awareness just realizing oh
just how common it is when I have an issue that somebody else have it
that I can notice that issue in them
excuse them of having it
I don't even have to say it
but I could recognize man
you know I recognize this person
they might
I can try to just show them extra comfort
I'll just take a gamble that they need more comfort
but I am that
all right
who's was that water
Jesus
I am I can be that comfort cat
thank you guys for being here today
I did put a hat on
for those of you listening over audio
I am happy
I'm happy to be here
man I'm going to put a picture up on Instagram
I can't even tell you some of the nice
you know people always bring nice things to some of the comedy shows
not always
you know for 14 years nobody brought
nobody brought anything
to the comedy shows
but some people brought some
a couple of nice gifts this week
and there's always like
no there's not always
but there's sometimes nice cards
and just really sweet messages
and you know I wish I had a ton of time
enough time to just
I have time to read them
and to enjoy them
I wish I had time to discuss all of them
but some really cool art
and some other nice things man
over there in New York City at the shows
I have to announce
I know everybody in Europe
has been hitting me up
which sounds like the craziest thing ever
because we might be coming back to Europe
I want to say that
you know
but I want to tell you these
these pre-sale
this is some European tour dates
and these people have been waiting for a long time
and thank you so much
so many like
just nice messages from Ireland
and Norway
Sweden bro
from the UK
you know
and these are the places that I'm going
some of these I picked
some of these
were presented to me
but whatever
it doesn't matter
they go on sale on Tuesday
at 10 o'clock local time
European time
so don't hit me
you know
don't be hitting me up immediately
when you hear this podcast
and say
I don't see the tickets
well
look at your clock
look at your calendar
bro
if you do it like that
I mean I know some people
wake up and guess what day it is
if you do that
then don't fuck
then do not bother me
but if you wake up
and look at a calendar
and you got that time
the clock piece
okay
the two-hander
don't fucking roll with that one-hander
that thing's shady
I remember when I was like nine years old
they came out with like a one-hand clock
so everybody just fucking a little bit early
or a little bit late man
you know
people furious
people were furious
you know
I remember that they had a wig shop in our town
and didn't know exactly when to open
and the lady ended up
ended up honestly committing suicide
and I don't know if it was because of that
but
you know
you got to think
if somebody's already wearing a wig
they just
they
you know
they
you know
it's touch and go for them
so suddenly you
you know
somebody comes out with a one-handed clock
and people just have to guess how many minutes are going on
and this
it's just a lot
but anyhow
these are the dates
nine
September
October
September 13th
in Glasgow
at the O2 Academy
September
15th
in Dublin
Ireland
at Vicar Street
or Vicar Street
we got two shows there
November
September
18th
Oslo
Norway
at Folk
Teater
Folk Teater
oh
Folk Teater
Folk Teater
Folk Teater
ok
and then
oh
and that's 918
917
Stockholm Sweden
at China Teater
China Teater
920
and 921
at London
London UK
London UK
at Shepherds Bush
over there
and that's going to be
we got some shows over there
I think that's four shows
922
that's
Manchester UK
and that's
dance hall show
number one
and then
924
2019
Amsterdam
Netherlands
Demirart
I think that's how you say that
Demirvart
and Demirvart
dude
that's when
I mean that's an old thing
I remember when
when we was young
somebody told us you could
I guess this is a little profane
let me just say I'm
I'm excited
oh also the pre-sale code for those dates
the code is onward
O-N-W-A-R-D
and that's the only way you can get those tickets on pre-sale is the code onward
that way that only TPW listeners can get them
or just people that are in our world
I'll post that on social medias as well
and only people that are in our world can get them
so we get first shot at it
so that's why they have that pre-sale code
because I said to the man
the man said we want to do pre-sale code
I said what are we going to do about that
I said everybody have to remember a magical word to get something
you know where are we
I mean is this
are we in a
a fable
are we in a
you know
are we in
you know
Rumpelstiltskin
why does somebody have to remember a magical word to get something
is this the bridge to Terabithia
so I'm saying that
that's why the pre-sale code
it makes sure you can access the tickets
and that ends on Friday at 10 a.m. local time
in Europe
European time
and so that's it
it starts Tuesday and goes to Friday
and the code is onward
and thank you guys so much for your support
I'm really
man I'm nervous because like
dude it's so you know
there's nothing scarier to me
then going on to a stage
where you don't know if people are going to get the way the joke is
the jokes or the humor or whatever
and you have to tell the jokes
because I tell stories