Name: Mother's Day | This Past Weekend #198
Uploaded: 2019-05-13T02:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mother's Day | This Past Weekend #198' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mother's Day | This Past Weekend #198' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-13. Transcript available.

Mother's Day | This Past Weekend #198

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, all the mothers and sod
mothers and
you know, women even that wanted to be mothers or even men sometime, you get a
little itching
down inside of your body.
Maybe you've had a strong casserole or something and you feel it quake a little
and you're
like, damn, is it, is it twins?
And then maybe it's just as chili powders, you know, strong chili powders that
was in
that recipe.
But Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful women and that humans climb out of
to come
out into the world.
This is Evan Bartels.
Oh, Mother, may I open my eyes?
Cause there's a great big world waiting right outside.
And Mother, may I raise my voice?
Do we the people have that joy?
And Mother, may I rest my head?
Though I did not try my best.
And Mother, may I sip the wine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Though I did not tend the vine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Though I did not tend the vine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Though I did not tend the vine?
Mother, may I sip the wine?
Though I did not tend the vine?
That hitter, man, and you can hear the rest of that song and it picks up.
And it's a beautiful piece by Evan Bartels, "The Devil, God, and Me."
And man, yeah, I talk about that line in there every time.
Uh, Mother, may I rest my head?
Though I did not try my best.
And man, that line gets me right in the dam.
Them clavicles, boy, that hits me right in those high ribs, baby.
Them clavicles, you know?
Just to think that "Mother, may I rest my head, though I did not try my best."
And that, for me, man, when I hear that, that exemplifies really what a mother
is to me, I feel like.
You know, it's someone that, no matter what, even if you didn't do your best,
you're not doing well, you're not, you're not where you want to be, you know, "Mother,
can I still come in for a hug?"
You know, "Can I still, am I still okay with you?"
And a mother is the woman that always says yes, you know, that you are welcome
here.
You know, right here in my arms and right here in my heart, no matter what.
Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day to everybody, man.
Look, this is a...
I didn't mean to start off kind of somber like that,
but life is like that, you know?
Life is like a dam.
What is life?
What is it?
People out here, you know, waving at each other, stealing shit.
You know, somebody maybe helping somebody, you know, walk across the street,
help an old lady across the street, and then they steal a little chocolate from
her.
Maybe she have two little chocolate rabbits or something.
She was going to visit a grave site of a diabetic.
And they cop up, you know, they cop one of them hoppers, bro, one of them
little rabbits.
And they tuck it in they jaw, you know, and they get that sugar for themselves.
That's what life is that turnstile, man.
It's that lazy Susan.
But it's nice to know that wherever it's, wherever it spins or stops or speeds
up or whatever,
it's nice to know that there's a woman there for you, you know?
And so happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and all the women, you know, and
all the sons, too, man.
It's a hard job, dude, out here being a son, 'cause a son, man, we will fuck up.
Dude, I remember when I was young, man, being young, boy.
Mom's coming home.
You would hear that.
Dude, you would be, I'd be knee-deep.
We would be making mud in the tub.
We used to bring soil in from outside, rare soil or just even regular soil.
And we would bring it in from outside and get it in, get it in.
Two hours worth of soil, you know, and we soiled up.
You know what I'm saying?
We ready.
We got the dam, a dam, you know, we got two foot by four foot of the damn
Mississippi Delta sitting right there in the bathtub.
And we cut that water on, bro.
Make our own just mud.
And we'd be just making mud cakes, mud pies.
And my sister, she made like a dang, you know, a couple layer mud cake with the,
with the boot, with the fondant, with that fondant icing.
I'm like, damn, bitch, what are you doing?
This is just mud.
We can't eat this.
And she would write happy, uh, happy anniversary, Henry.
And I'm like, who the fuck is Henry?
You're four years old.
What are you doing around this neighborhood?
But we had some times, man.
But then once you heard one kid somehow would find out, they would get a thing
in their head.
They would see the clock or whatever.
Oh shit.
It's almost 5:00 PM.
That's when mom gets off work.
And that means it takes mom nine minutes, unless she stopped to have a little
cigarette.
Then it take her 13 minutes to get home.
Cause sometime mom pull over behind the bank and hit that frickin', you know,
get that little Winston in her.
Get that chirp chirp.
Get that upper, you know, that, that light upper that's going to help her, you
know, come home and, and not, you know, whip the kid's ass immediately.
She will hear the children first.
And, uh, and man, mom would come home and we'd be like, fuck man, we got to get
rid of this mud.
Cause now you got, before it was soil, but now you added that water.
Now it's heavy mud.
This shit is alluvial.
You got a damn, uh, you got a, uh, a baby palm popping up over here.
You got an arborist beating on the door, you know, trying to get a deal.
And so now we got to throw all of this mud out the window.
Well, we didn't realize was mom.
She parks right out by the window, right?
We weren't thinking, you know, logistically, we weren't really there cause we
were just children.
So we're just sitting there just throwing mud out the window, bro.
Sand, mud.
It had all kind of just toys in it.
It had a bottle of, uh, that suave hair conditioner.
Remember that shit with the pineapple on it?
Dude, I'd leave the house smelling fucking Polynesian.
I'd have bees coming over.
A couple of urban chicks showing up.
Ooh, what he doing?
You know, when you had that, that suave conditioner, that pineapple fresh and
that shit would leave
you scented up.
But now the mud has everything.
She throwing all kinds of shit out, you know, Daniel snuck over there.
He's been over there doing something, you know, writing dirty words in the mud
and he got stuck
in it and he fucking went out the window.
He's airborne, you know, Daniel, bro.
You know, he makes his own choices, but they're not good.
And so, man, I remember then mom would come inside and be our ass, bro.
And I don't blame her.
I don't blame her.
You have, you paying $170 a month for rent in a three bedroom.
And these kids fucking brought about 50 pounds of fucking mud up into the tub.
Dude.
Because then what happened after that?
It went into the pipes.
Then we couldn't use the toilet upstairs.
Then everybody had to use the toilet downstairs.
And the toilet downstairs right by the dinner table.
So you'd have, you know, some fancy Fauntleroy wants to slip off from dinner.
You know, mom's grilling up a couple of hotcakes or whatever.
You know, maybe a couple of slices of bacon, you know, a couple of lean pieces.
And then some fancy fuckaroni gets a little feel, a little quake in his gurney,
in his girder, in his belly.
And he wants to slide off to the side and use the toilet.
And dude, it was just, we fucking ruined mom's life.
But dang.
She kept on with us.
She kept on with us, man.
You know, mother, may I rest my head though I did not try my best.
Man, that thing hits me.
You know, music's pretty wild.
Isn't it?
Lyrics and music and things we say like...
Because I know this guy, Evan Bartels, you know, he's a man, right?
He's a human man.
If you hit him with an axe, blood going to come out and maybe, you know, some
tendon, right?
He's a regular man.
But the recipe inside him puts these words together.
And he learns a way to present it.
And it just...
And that song's pretty beautiful to me.
And that's Evan Bartels, "The Devil, God, and Me."
And I had an opportunity to meet him.
Over in Kansas City, or Omaha, I think.
And we almost had him play after a show one time, but we couldn't find a venue.
But next time, we'll do it right.
Thank you guys for being here with us this past weekend.
This is a little bit of a sad day for me.
This is our last time in this studio.
We decided to get a different studio that has a little bit more room.
And, man, it's happened so fast.
It's almost like I haven't really had a chance to really just be with it.
You know, just to sit in here and just kind of feel the vibe.
Man, a lot is happening here.
I remember coming out of the kitchen and thinking, "Man, what am I doing?
Moving into a studio?
What am I doing?
I don't even know what I'm talking about."
And then we got in here and I brought that Chris Farley picture out of my
apartment.
The nicest picture I own.
And put it in here.
And I was pissed, dude, every time.
Because I'd sit at my dinner table at home and be like, "Damn, I wish I had
that Chris Farley."
You know, it really tied the room together.
And this is Fighter and the Kids' old studio.
And we came in here, man, and we didn't give up.
And I feel pretty proud and I want to thank you guys for being just supportive
and being on board, man.
That's what's up.
You know?
Yeah, it's Mother's Day.
We got a lot of calls.
I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna gabble too much.
But, yeah, I feel like I have a lot on my brain and stuff.
But, I've been experiencing a lot of stress this year.
I know I talk about that.
I know I complain.
Basically, I just complain a lot.
And I'm trying to get out of the, out of the complain.
I'm trying to quit eating the complain grain and just, you know, move on.
So, today, I'm gonna keep it about you guys.
And we had some calls.
Because, really, everything's okay, man.
It's just my perception.
I just need to, I just need to look at things differently.
And when I get stressed, I need to ask for help or I need to ask why I'm really
stressed.
You know?
And when I start, you know, I start getting grumpy, I start thinking people
should be doing stuff.
Anytime I think somebody, for me, anytime I think someone should do something,
something's wrong with me.
Because nobody, people are gonna do what they're gonna do, you know?
And when I start getting expectations, I just, I don't like living that way.
I don't like being uncomfortable.
You know, I don't like being uncomfortable, man.
And I'm not gonna, I'm just not gonna be that way.
I'm gonna try to find active ways to solve it.
Dude, so I'll update you.
I've been off the sugar, you know?
And I've been off of it.
And man, I'm lean as a damn, you know, I'm lean as a dang, you know?
And I'll show that right there.
My arm a little bit of, I don't know if that's muscle or just kind of like part
of my, the way that my arm is.
But, you know, I'm getting real leaned up.
And you'll see hungry dogs look over at me like if I know anything on the
street.
Dude, I don't fuck you looking at me for, man.
So I'm starting to look like Santa's Little Helper when they found him on The
Simpsons.
Remember that?
Remember that episode when they found Santa's Little Helper?
And he was skinny.
It looked like he'd just been eating just air puffs.
And just drinking Ideal lattes, you know?
Just having nothing, just maybe a bowl of just invisible, you know, flake muffins.
Nothing.
He had nothing on him.
And they were racing him.
The people down at the track was racing that dog and making him run.
And dude, it's hard to run if you don't have a half a muffin in you.
If you don't have half of a real muffin.
And they made that damn dog run and that shit, I remember, just brought the
tears right out of my eyes.
I mean like somebody was collecting salt water right out in front of me.
And my eyes said, hey, I got a little bit for you.
Let's get into a couple calls, man.
These are all about Mother's Day.
And I appreciate you guys.
985-664-9503 is always the hotline.
On behalf of our Patreon, we sent flowers to all the single moms that we've met
over the past year and a half.
So we sent flowers and chocolates to all of them.
So thank you.
And we got a lot of nice texts and responses and some pictu