Name: Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #199
Uploaded: 2019-05-16T19:49:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #199' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #199' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-16. Transcript available.

Riff Raff | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #199

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Tonight, he will be at the Whiskey in West Hollywood, California.
And then tomorrow, May 17th, he'll be at the Monarch Theater in Phoenix,
Arizona.
He has a new single out right now called Dreamland by Dale D'Antoni.
He's one of a kind.
He's that watermelon water moccasin.
And he is the most requested guest that we've had for this past weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, riff-raff.
It's been a long time, man.
Got a heavy coat of sports gloss.
Oh, dude, you look flossy, bro.
You look like a dude that...
Just got out of Rambo 7.
Oh, man, Okeechobee 1 Kenobi out here, man.
You look like a guy if somebody had a cheat code in Double Dragon, bro.
And they got to use an ultimate character, man.
Dale D'Antoni.
Amen, dude.
I unlocked it.
That million-dollar mullet, Mr. Riff-Raff.
Jody High Roller here today.
Dale D'Antoni, how are you, man?
Riff Rambo.
Oh, dude.
Who you been fighting, man?
Fighting life.
Putting it in a damn Lamborghini leg lock.
The dark arts, baby.
Dark arts after dark.
Dude, so I got turned on to you from Simon Rex, man.
He's such a nice guy.
That's what you say?
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
You don't know him.
No, I want the other side of the coin, man.
Oh, you want the dark side of the dirt.
I want the dark side of the dirt.
You want that dark dirt.
I want that dirty soil, brother.
That aluvium.
Well, when I first moved to L.A., before I moved, he was like, yeah, you should
move
out.
You should move out of here.
You should move out of here.
Yeah.
I'm hyped up.
I'm like Hollywood life.
Getting ready.
You know what I mean?
You see the glitz and the glamour.
Putting on lotion.
All kinds.
Tanning lotion that makes you dark while you sleep.
Oh, yeah.
It barricades your pores.
You see the butterscotch babes.
You're thinking the Hollywood.
You're thinking the stars are all aligned.
Oh, you got tits in your brain.
So, he was all cool at first.
Once I finally went out there to live, he's like, yeah, you sure you can stay
with me?
I'm like, okay.
Well, I mean, sure.
Well, I can find a place and everything.
You sure I'll hang out there?
You know what I mean?
So, I'm like, okay, cool.
So, I'm thinking like, you know.
You get there.
You had luggage with you or what?
I didn't even ask him how many rooms he had.
He had about seven or eight rooms because he stayed up in the hills.
I don't think he stayed there anymore.
I've never been there, but I heard he was up there.
Yeah, he had a house up there in the hills, and I think like a few houses down
was Cindy
Crawford as a house.
Ooh.
All right.
So, I'm at his house.
I'd jerk off on the street if Cindy Crawford lived by me, you know?
Yeah.
So, he has me moving.
I'm thinking I'm going to stay on the couch or one of his rooms or something.
He had downstairs, it was like a three-story house.
So, you go downstairs, and then down there's a wine cellar, and he's like, yeah,
you can
have this room, but I'm seeing these racks on the wall.
I'm like, this isn't a room.
Yeah, this is for grapes.
Yeah, this is for sun-dried grapes.
This is for aged prunes.
Yeah, yeah.
So, I go in there, and I have a room, and I'm thinking he didn't let me.
He would throw parties, wouldn't let me come upstairs because there was a door
in the lock.
He had the party.
I'm seeing the people come in.
Damn.
You had to stay down there.
You had to stay down there.
I'm like, damn.
Damn, you're like in Notre Dame, like that guy that rings the bell.
I didn't know I'd be answering the door, and that's about it.
Yeah.
I thought I was going to get to party with the Hollywood stars.
Damn.
And so, who came through there?
All types of people, huh?
Not Bill Cosby.
Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds, wow.
Yeah, yeah.
Kevin Costner, I'd seen In-N-Out.
He knew everybody.
Yeah.
Jim Tomei.
Damn.
You know Jim Tomei?
Chipper Jones stopped by a couple times.
Jesus.
Yeah.
And who else even I heard that they had Daffy Duck pass through?
No, no more Garcia Parra.
Dang.
He ghosted me a couple times on the handshake on the way out.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
Wow.
So, I was trying to catch girls coming out and trying to talk to them.
Popping up from behind the shrubs.
Yeah, but he didn't have any lights down there for me on purpose, so I couldn't
talk to nobody.
So, I don't want to hear.
I don't want to hear.
I didn't know him then.
Yeah.
And I had to pay $2,700 a month.
Oh, dang.
I stayed there about two weeks.
He kept my deposit.
I cleaned the place and everything.
Damn.
Yeah, so.
So, that's the other side of signing of Rex.
That's the dirty side of dirt.
That's the dirty side of dirt.
That's the dark side.
That's the dark side.
The dark side.
Dude, we both grew up in a different time, I feel like.
Oh, yeah.
The real time.
The 80s, man.
The actual fun.
The 80s.
The 80s.
What did you love about it?
What's something that you miss about it?
I think people, they saw more clearly.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I'm sweating like a damn gesundheit.
Oh, yeah.
A little sports gloss.
Oh, I'm sweating like a fucking sneeze stuck in a thick bitch.
You feel me?
I'm fucking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm creating havoc, man.
I'm fucking dripping.
Yeah, we're dripping.
Dude, I'm dripping like a fucking, like an Icelandic stripper, bro, in a
fucking sunstorm,
dog.
I'm fucking leaking over here.
We should tell people we were playing sports.
That's why.
Yeah, okay.
So, first of all, the reason we're damn sweating is because we're outside
talking about building
a five-acre football field, sports compound, get away from the world.
I think back in the 80s, you couldn't direct message Elvis Presley.
You couldn't hit up Roseanne Barr.
Yeah.
You couldn't comment under Rod Stewart and say, hey, I don't want to live
forever young.
Yeah.
You're old, you're too old to be thinking about being young.
Yeah, yeah.
You couldn't talk to people.
I think, and now with the like media and all the-
Online social media.
Oh, it's shameless.
Now, the online has turned into a National Enquirer.
It is.
Remember, I'll be aligned.
My mom will be grocery shopping.
Yeah.
And I look over at Ronald Reagan pregnant with triplet aliens.
Yeah.
Ronald Reagan got a slave and you're like, what the fuck?
Yeah, I was like, I was back in the, we were at a place called Gerland's.
Yeah.
There was a store and I'd be in line and there would be a black and white
newspaper at the
National Enquirer and it would say, it would say like, Abraham Lincoln found 50
gold coins
under, you know what I mean?
Abraham Lincoln found a cave dwelling.
Yeah.
Abraham Lincoln found out how to cook canned fish.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, that's not real.
He doesn't know how to cook.
You're like, damn, yeah, aliens, they would have a rumor like aliens at the,
they would
have aliens at the fucking Lakeland mall.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Two aliens found at Lakeland mall.
So, so nowadays, anybody, you could say anything and if it's juicy enough, then
people, you could
do it with you.
Right.
And then also I get, do you ever get direct message, crazy direct messages from
people?
Oh, man.
Yeah.
You know, cause they got, they got direct messages, then they have requests.
So, so every now and then I dabble in there and look, people say, can you, can
you post
my Kickstarter?
Yeah.
I'm trying to be a rapper.
Hey, you inspired me to be a rapper.
Back in the day it was, oh, you, you inspired me to get up in the morning and
da, da, da.
You know what I mean?
So now, but now it's everything.
You inspired me to eat cereal today.
Everybody, every, every, and everybody is, you inspired me to be just like you.
Yeah.
People think that it's like, well, I'll take a picture with you.
Then I get some of your magical powers.
I'm like, it's not magical powers.
It's just, I'm like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, it's not accessible.
You think it's too accessible to reach somebody that I think, I think with
Instagram, just
like, you know, you had a verified account, right?
I think every single human being who's on Instagram, just like how you got to
be verified
to make sure that you, everybody should be verified to make sure it's them.
You should send in your, you should, first of all, to be able to direct message
somebody,
you should have to be 18 and up.
Yeah.
And if you are, then your parents should have their credit card online.
And if you put up and leave a comment that's vulgar, then Instagram should shut
your account
out until they, the customer service can FaceTime you and talk to you and your
parents
and be like, if you leave another comment, first of all, you're fined 50 bucks.
Yeah.
They fined your parents too.
So your mother knows.
They're fining that credit card.
Your mother knows immediately.
And they're fining you 50, 50 bucks.
You've been saying pussy over there on the fucking.
Or whatever.
Yeah.
Anything vulgar.
On the Chase ATM account.
If you're in school and you say some shit and you get in trouble, then you
should get
in trouble for that.
You can say, oh, I don't like this song, but then.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
If you say Miss Connaughton is fat, then you get in trouble.
That's $30.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Exactly.
If you should be, people should be able to have to watch, people should have to
watch what
they say.
Yeah.
Why is that?
Okay.
So if the people, if Instagram is such a big thing, it's big because of what?
People want to see the inside scoop live of celebrities live or whoever, right?
Yeah.
So every single celebrity, every single verified account was be like, you know
what?
I'm going to boycott Instagram.
I'm going to get out of there.
Right.
Then it's just all these regular people, just not even regular people, but you
know, people
who aren't.
An unverified account.
Unverified accounts were just going to each other.
That wouldn't exist.
Right.
But do you think, I mean, I know.
It's not going to be me saying it.
It's going to have to be somebody big.
Steven Tyler.
It's going to have to be.
Exactly.
Neil Armstrong.
Yeah.
David Duchovny would have to say some shit to what I'm saying right now for it
to matter.
But yeah, you'd have to get somebody.
You should have to be.
A black guy too.
Bill Cartwright.
Or I'm trying to think of something.
John Sally would have to.
John Sally.
John Sally.
John Sally.
Why does everybody love John Sally, man?
He just, I think people think he's Arsino Hall's older brother.
Yeah.
So it's like, okay, he's the, you know.
Yeah, he's Arsino Tall, bro.
He's like the fucking long Arsino Hall.
John Sally.
Shaq would have to say something.
Dude, I saw Shaq, man.
He's everywhere.
I saw him two weeks ago at a UFC fight.
Okay.
And it blew my mind.
You ever been to UFC fights?
I don't think I've been to a live one.
Have you ever been approached about being a wrestler?
Yeah, actually.
No bullshit.
Hulk Hogan.
When I started, when I put, because like for a time I was like trying to just
put on as
much weight as possible.
Yeah.
Because you definitely, you look t