Name: Perth Path | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #201
Uploaded: 2019-05-27T11:22:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Perth Path | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #201' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Perth Path | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #201' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-27. Transcript available.

Perth Path | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #201

I'm just sitting on your front porch
Wondering how could I be so far from my home
And my mind is somewhere else
But when I find it I'll patch up where it's here
Good to be back
Got that break
Got that break
And I hope you're having a wonderful time wherever you are
And I'm coming to you out here from Perth
P-E-R-T-H
In Western Australia
And I'm out here on the banks of the Indian Ocean
Not far from the Tasmanian Sea
And south of the Timor
Timor
And Banda Sees
And I am
I'm happy to be here
And I hope you're having a good day
I don't have a lot of intro music or sweet dangles or anything like that
You know I don't have a lot of those ear bells or fancy cat whispers to kind of
get us
Just easing into the deal today
But I'm happy to be here with you
And I'm grateful
Man I'm just
What's going on man
I'm out here dude
We took last week off
And I went to
A
Bali
I went to a country called Bali for a little vacation
To kind of chill out
And um
And just
Just not have to do some stuff
Not have to do anything
You know these days
We have
We have
So many things that we have to do
You know
Email
Text
Text
Text message
Listen to people
Regular conversation
Look at something
Close our eyes
Put on a hat
Brush our teeth
Put on clothes
Eat something
It never ends
You know
Buy someone a gift
It never ends
So to be able to have a little bit of time
Where some of those things I could just
Take off of the plate
And just have nothing on my plate
And just be on a
On just a full life diet
As far as responsibilities go
Like a responsibility diet
It was nice
And I went
I'll just tell you where
You know what I did
I hope you're doing good
You know
I hope things in your world are
Are nice
I hope you got a little bit of milk
In the fridge
And I hope you got a little bit of candy
In your pocket
A sweet candy
Maybe a
Cinnamon barrel
You know
At some point
In time
I don't remember when it was
Really
But they started
They made
Candy in the special shapes
A little cannon
You could get you a little
Liquor
A little cannon
And licorice
Used to come
Shaped like a little
Like a little cannon
Or a gun
Get a little licorice gun
Or you could get a
Root beer barrel
Root beer came in a little
Like a wooden
Shaped like a wooden barrel
You know
Where they had a
They had these little
Canaries
They had a little
Kind of
Lemon canary candy
I remember when I was young
And you get your little
Little
You know
Little handful of them
Lemon canaries
And just
Start a damn
Aviary
Start a damn
You know
Start a damn
You know
Like a little bird
Sanctuary
In your mouth
But
What was I talking about?
Oh I'll tell you this
So
So I took the vacation
And I went to
Bali
Indonesia
And look
To be honest
Man I'd never
Heard of it
People said
Bali
You know
I thought it was
Somebody who
Mispronounced that
Place
Bali's Fitness
Bali's 24 hour
Fitness facility
And you go into
A 24 hour
Fitness joint
That shit
You know
It can be real
Some people
Consider fitness
Different things
You go in there
2am
They got a dude
In there
You know
When he's using
The treadmill
And he's got it
Going really fast
But he's in there
Polishing rare
Gems and stones
On it
You're like
Well damn
That's
But to him
That's fitness
You know
He leaves out of there
In the morning
With a pocket
Of sweet rubies
And he's going to
Trade that batch
Off for something
Special
You go to
Anytime fitness
At around
Maybe 10am
Or 10pm
You might have
A brother in there
He'll take a lady
On a date there
I've been at
A 24 hour
Anytime
Snap
You know
Fitness
Bally's
And they have
You'll see
You know
You have a dude
In there
A brother
Take a lady
On a date
In there
He'll be in there
He'll have a couple
You know
He got two dates
One guy I saw
This dude
Named Jermaine
He had
Two
He had one lady
Over there
On the treadmill
And he had another lady
He was doing
On the leg press
And he was going
Back and forth
And he's trying to
You know
This dude's two time
And meanwhile
The whole thing's
A damn date
He's got these ladies
Out on a date
And he's
You know
Running them back and forth
Got a little
You know
Got some wine
In his squirt bottle
And he's winding them up
And you know
And getting their calories
Off of them
At the same time
And he's
So you just never
Know when you get
Into a fitness place
Like that
But
What am I talking
About man
I think I'm rusty
I think I'm rusty
So
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Is also brought
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Anyway
I took this trip
I went to Bali
Oh yeah
I went to Bali
And
And I was nervous
You know
I've never traveled
Anywhere by myself
Like I've traveled
By myself
For work
But I never
Traveled by myself
For
Just natural life
You know
For like
An experience
And I went
To Europe
When I was
In college
A girlfriend
And I went
To Europe
For two weeks
And then
I've been
Other places
But only
Only with others
Never
Solamente
And that's
Spanish for
By yourself
One timer
So
I get
You know
I'm on my way
Simon Rex
Some people know
Dirt Nasty
The guy
Who really
You know
In LA
Was a combination
Of
You know
Him
And Joe Rogans
And
You know
A couple other guys
Who really
Kind of
Joey Diaz
Bobby Lee
Chris D'Alia
Guys who really
Helped me
Kind of
Catch some traction
In my own business
In the past
Couple years
But Simon Rex
Was
The guy
Who told me
You gotta go
To Bali
Man
You gotta go
To Bali
And he
Send the videos
He's on like
A little go
Cart
And
And it
Looks exciting
So I go
And I take
Korean Airlines
And look
I'm all excited
I'm excited
To get on the
Plane
I've been on
The keto diet
For a month
Or six weeks
And
And let me
Let me just
Before I tell you
About the plane
Let me tell you
About the keto diet
Before I forget
Here's some of my
Findings
So
The no sugar
Right
You gotta stick
To the keto diet
And I had
There were a couple
Times where I had
Some chocolate
That was only like
60% cacao
Or whatever
And you're supposed
To be at like
75%
But
But anyway
Here's what I found
From that diet
Is
You lose a lot
Of weight
I found
I lost a lot
Of weight
By staying off
Of anything
Processed
And off of
Sugar
Like I got
Lean
Like lean
To where I had
I didn't know
I could be as lean
Like lean
In my muscle
Like I could
See things
That I've
Just memories
In my
Like I started
Remembering shit
Like my brain
Got lean
Like it took
The gristle
Right off my brain
And suddenly
I remembered
Maybe a gift
That someone
Had gotten me
A long time ago
Or I remembered
Somebody who
Maybe had held
A door for me
Maybe
You know
7 or 11 years ago
At a 7-11
Maybe even
But
It was
It was interesting
Because it just
Took the
It took a lot
Of the fog
Out of me
I noticed
Mentally
So mentally
From being
On the
Keto diet
A lot
Of the
Fog
Was lifted
I felt
More energy
More free
Energy
Because I'm
Always thinking
Oh I gotta
Have these
Carbohydrates
And this
And that
And I'm
Not saying
Go do
The diet
I'm
Look
There's
Some
Downsides
Of it
I'll tell
You in a
Second
But I
Just want
To make
Sure that
I let
You know
The experience
That I
Had
From a
Month on
The keto
Diet
And
The sugar
You know
I definitely
Notice some
Withdrawals
Man you want
Fucking sugar
Boy
What is that
A sugar
What is that
Do you get
If somebody
Whistles for a
Taxi
Bro you
Fucking
And they've
Been having
A donut
Or a
Snack
Or a
You know
Something
Recently
Even in
The
Do you hear
Somebody whistle
And you
Fucking
What is that
Old sugar
Lips
Over there
They had
A sucker
Two weeks
Ago
At the
Bank
You can
Hear it
On their
Lips
You know
You get
Real
Caught
Into
You can
You get
Jealous
Of it
Somebody
You see
Somebody
Leaving
The store
With a
Bag
Of bread
And you
Follow
Them to
Their
Car
You don't
Even
Realize
It
You follow
Them
To
Their
Car
And what
Am I
And you
Kind of
Come out
Of a
Trance
What are
You
Going to
Do
You're
Going to
Choke
Somebody
Out for
A loaf
What are
You
Going to
Do
You know
So you
Get
You do
Have
Some
Withdrawals
I
I got
I got
I got
I got
Angry
I
I got angry I
I noticed
I get
Real
Spicy
Oh
Real
Real
Real
Spicy
With
Others
I mean
Somebody said
Something
I don't
Like it
And I'll
Tell you
I don't
You know
I just
Make a face
Like
You know
Like somebody
Just been
Stuffing
My
Just been
Just hiding
A bunch
Of very
Very
Very
Young
Lemons
In my
Fucking
Mouth
I make
A face
Like that
Boy
So you
Got
Your
You know
If you
If you're
One of the
Seven dwarfs
You grumpy
That's how
It made
Me
It made
Me
You know
I had
Some
Withdrawals
But it
Made
Me
Very
Alert
It made
Me
When I
Woke
Up
In
The
Morning
I
Felt
Immediate
Energy
And
Exciting
I
Didn't
Have
To
Wake
Up
It
Was
Like I
Was
Either
Asleep
Or
I
Was
Awake
And
There
Wasn't
A lot
Of
Like
Shifting
Gears
In
Between
The
Two
I
Was
Ready
To
Go
You know
I
Felt
Like
I
Started
To
Feel
Like
A lot
Of
Foods
And
Stuff
Really
Slow
Me
Down
Really
Slow
You
Down
It's
Almost
Like
What
You
Eat
It's
Like
If
You
Have
A
Lot
Of
Bread
Then
You
Get
Breaded
Up
You
Know
You
Might
Feel
You
Know
It's
Like
You're
A
Little
Slower
In
The
Morning
You
Got
A
Couple
Of
Baguettes
In
Your
Step
You
Know
You
Got
A
Couple
Of
You're
On
The
Basketball
Court
You're
A
Little
Slower
You
Got
A
Couple
Of
Croissants
Stuck
In
Your
Crossover
You
Know
You
Start
To
Feel
Like
I
Start
To
Notice
Whatever
I
Eat
Is
What
That
Is
It
It
Impacts
My
Behavior
Or
It
Impacts
My
Motion
My
Fluidity
Or
Fluidity
So
I
Started
To
Notice
That
A
Hundred
Percent
You
Know
You
Might
Have
A
Couple
You
Know
A
Little
Bit
Slower
On
The
Dance
Floor
If
I
Been
Having
Too
Much
Dessert
It
Kind
Of
Sticks
To
You
I
You
Know
I
Have
A
Couple
Of
Crème
Brule
In
My
Hip
Hop
Parade
You
Know
Oh
Hey
Oh
So
I
Notice
That
Kind
Of
Stuff
I
You
Know
I
Maybe
Have
A
Little
Bit
More
You
Know
I
Might
Have
A
Couple
You
Know
I
Might
Have
Some
I
Just
Have
A
Little
Bit
Less
I
Less
Fluid
I
Kind
Of
Slowed
Down
And
And
So
Those
Are
Some
Things
That
I
Noticed
On
The
Ketos
Diet
Some
Withdrawals
From
The
Sugar
Much
Better
Energy
Much
Better
Mental
Clarity
Very
Very
Clear
Anger
More
Anger
Now
At
The
Same
Time
I
Was
On
Chantix
Non
Cigarette
Pills
And
I
Mean
People
The
Anger
The
Anger
Could
Have
Been
From
The
Pills
You
Fucking
Kill
You
Know
You
Drive
A
Car
Into
A
Fucking
Shopping
Mall
During
A
During
A
Nike
Sale
You
Know
During
A
Sale
Over
There
At
Estee
Lauder's
So
It's
That
Kind
Of
Vibe
You
Know
So
Chantix
Is
You
Know
The
Non
Cigarette
Pills
They'll
Make
You
Do
Shit
So
I
Shouldn't
Have
Been
Cross
I
Was
Cross
Pollinating
The
Different
Evacuations
I
Was
Trying
To
Evacuate
The
Sugar
And
The
Bread
And
The
Keto's
Diet
And
I
Was
Also
Trying
To
Evacuate
Nicotine
So
I
Think
I
Spoiled
You
Know
I
Spoiled
The
You
Know
I
Spoiled
Myself
As
A
Testing
Facility
But
But
Those
Are
Some
Things
That
I
Did
Notice
Immediately
My
Mental
Clarity
Was
Very
Clear
But
I
Was
Very
Antsy
And
Some
Of
That
Could
Have
Been
Just
Still
Withdrawals
From
The
Sugar
And
I
Probably
Should
Have
Taken
A
Little
Bit
More
Time
But
I
Think
I'm
Going
To
Do
It
Again
I'm
Going
To
Make
Sure
That
I'm
Not
Doing
Something
Else
At
The
Same
Time
Like
Not
Mixing
Diets
Or
Not
Trying
To
Evacuate
You
Know
Sugar
And
Cigarettes
And
You
Know
Alcohol
Or
Whatever
Else
All
At
The
Same
Time
Just
Because
All
That's
A
Lot
But
Those
Are
Some
Th