Name: All Aboard | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #203
Uploaded: 2019-06-04T05:30:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All Aboard | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #203' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All Aboard | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #203' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-04. Transcript available.

All Aboard | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #203

Did you know that, well, I don't know, I don't know exactly, but they said starfish
could
be gay, I heard somewhere, so I don't know what we're going to do.
Today's episode is brought to you by Gray Block Pizza.
Gray Block, get that hitter.
I'm just sitting on your front porch, wondering how could I be so far from my
home.
Amen, moi.
Hello there.
And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch you up.
I'm just falling on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.
I can feel it in my bones, but it's going to take a little time for me to set
that parking
brake and let myself unwind.
And that is, as you know, shine by Bishop Gunn.
I'm grateful to them for being alive in the same time period as we are, or as I
am, anyway.
I can't speak for you.
But, oh, you think about that.
What if you were, and some people you might not get to know somebody because
they born at a different time period.
Think about that.
Think about that.
Oh, do you know, uh, you know, Carol?
You know, little Carol?
And people are like, oh, I don't know her.
Yeah, because she was born in 1804.
Oh, well, then.
Yeah.
Don't know her.
Think about that.
What about Big Samuel?
You know, Big Samuel with the braids.
He got the French braids and he, you know, he always selling bags of yeast down
there by the river.
You know, yeasty Sam.
Uh, no, I don't.
Where's he from?
Oh, you know, he's from, uh, you know, by the river banks.
Uh, no.
When, how old is he?
Oh, he's about 25.
You know, he was born in, uh, in 1834.
Oh, well, don't know him.
Can't know him.
And then it's just, wow, what if, what if your best friend, you know, isn't
even born yet?
They're going to be born in two years.
And you, and you, so you missing out because y'all's time isn't synced up.
Think about that.
You, so next thing you know, you're milling around a preschool.
And people like, hey, you, you know.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Judy.
Hey, Judy.
What you doing out here by the preschool?
And Judy says, oh, well, you know, little, uh, little Cecilia right there, the
four-year-old.
I think we got vibes, you know, friendship vibes, you know.
Buddies, you know, you know, vajutties, you know, teamwork, team tits, hashtaggers.
Hashtaggers, you know, friendship.
And they're like, oh, nah, you know, you're 25 years older than her, so you can't
hang out here.
I'm going to call the police.
You know, you know, timing is so important.
You know, timing is important.
And you never know, sometimes you might miss your best friend.
Because the timing wasn't right.
You know, you might be, your best friend might be four and you might be 61.
But y'all, you know, and now you can't even be friends with somebody because
the law says it's fucked up.
Or the law says it's wrong.
It's wrong if a senior citizen wants to be buddies with a seven-year-old with
somebody that's in second grade.
And wants to, you know, hang out with them on the weekends or whatever and do
cigarettes or whatever.
It's interesting timing, how important it is.
I'll tell you about this timing.
So, I just crossed the International Date Line.
And I thought it was going to be a really good episode hosted by Lester Holt.
But it isn't.
It is a line.
Let me research it for you real quick.
International Date Line.
Here's what it is.
It was established in 1884.
It passes through the mid-Pacific Ocean and follows 180 degrees longitude north-south
line on the Earth.
So, that means it's up and down.
It's long.
It's top to bottom.
You know, it's a horizontal.
No, it's a vertical line.
It's located halfway around the world from the prime meridian.
And when you cross it, the day changes.
Well, it's an imaginary line.
Also, it's not really real.
So, you can't get out there and, you know, you're not going to see a big Twizzler
running from the North Pole to the South Pole or something.
You're not going to see, you know, any buoys or anything like that.
Or, you know, a guy out there with a whistle pointing, you know, Thursday this
way, Wednesday that way.
You know, it's just, it's where the day changes.
Anyway, I crossed it when I flew to Australia and back.
And I'm now back here in the U.S. on U.S. soil.
And I'm back here in, I'm in a new studio.
We're in a new studio.
So, if you're on the YouTubes, it's, you know, this is different.
It's different in here.
We have more space.
Hello?
It might sound different in the back when I yell hello and nobody's listening.
So, just, you know, some changes going on.
I walked in, I'm nervous.
You know, I walk in and in my mind it's like, oh, well, it's just going to be,
it's going to feel suddenly like home and it's going to be, you know, nothing.
Everything will be kind of set up and everything will be, but, you know, we
have a couch that, you know, premature Nick, he got it.
On a, you know, so we have some furniture.
We got a chair.
We have a couple bags, had some croissants somebody had that are empty now from
the coffee bean.
A couple, a couple sea bags, a couple croissant bags.
And we have a lot of empty space and a lot of possibility.
Those are the things that we have in here.
So, yeah, just a lot going on at the second.
You know, being in a new place, getting home, having to come into the studio
and decide, okay, do I want to be confident when I get in here?
You know, because Nick's here, Gianni is here with their new movie.
His new movie is out now.
The movie Ma, M-A.
And go see it.
It's basically like fraternities meet kind of interracial dating, I think is
what it is.
It's kind of like, you know, what is that called?
It's like Kappa Apartheid Alpha Omega or something like that.
It's like, yeah, it's just, you know, it's got kind of a, I heard it's really
good.
It's scary.
We'll see.
I'm going to go check it out.
But we're definitely excited that, you know, to support him and be supportive
of him.
But, yeah, man, I got in here and I just did it.
I was like, man, okay, do I be nervous?
Do I just be confident?
Do I walk in here and act like, okay, I know everything we're going to do?
And, you know, Nick and Gianni had already been here.
They moved stuff in, so they've had a little more acquaintance.
And they were just excited.
They were excited about the opportunity.
And so, you know, I just tried to ride their excitement.
Because, honestly, just a little bit scared, I guess.
You know, like taking on new responsibility.
The rent in here is twice as much.
You know, the walls don't look the same.
Not to mention the other place is gone.
You know, the other studio is not, you know, everything's out of there.
So, it's, I mean, it still exists like in a location inside of us.
But, and in our memory and in time, but it doesn't exist the same anymore right
now.
And so, we're here.
We're in something new.
It's like we're traveling.
Like when a baby comes out the body.
You know, when a baby comes out the body.
They got, think about all of that.
First, the baby's been in there getting jacked up on, you know, on that mom's
sauce.
Whatever mom's been having.
Sweet potatoes, chocolate, pickles.
A little bit of freaking gin, you know.
Maybe a little bit of Von Meyers rum or something at night.
Especially if it's winter time.
A little bit of that, you know, what is that?
Egg batter and cognac or whatever.
The eggnog.
So, the baby, you know, when they decide to leave the womb, they really, that's
a brave move.
Because it's basically, they're just, they're in there, laying up in there.
It's like being at the Hampton Inn.
But the room kind of, you know, but nobody's, the maid hadn't come and cleaned
your room in a while.
And they got a lot of, you know, they got, when you're the baby, you're in that
little Hampton Inn inside of your mother.
They got the Fessies over there and they got the, you know, just a bunch of
Pizza Hut little, you know, boxes from all the snacks you've been having.
You got to go.
And then, you know, you slide out of your mother out into the world and it's a
new experience.
And that's where we are right now in this new experience.
So, yeah, just nervous, excited for the opportunity, hopeful.
I think I had a moment where I was like, oh, wow, I'm part of like a, you know,
I really have to be more part of a team right now.
Then I'm just, you know, because I need, I need help.
I need help from my coworkers.
And I'm just, you know, I'm grateful to have them.
Man, I just got back from Australia and I just, I got to say it was amazing.
The last show, they had 3,000 people in Brisbane, Brisbane, Australia.
And man, I can't, I'm trying to think of like what it feels.
I just, I don't know.
It feels like you can't thank everybody enough.
It feels like, you know, you walk out there, I felt like damn Joel Osteen out
there.
You know, I felt like I wish I had a big water gun full of holy water and just,
you know, just filling people's mouths up from 50 yards away.
You know, just, just, just pressure washing the devil off of people.
It was just, you know, it was like a, it was just, it was interesting.
And then it's hard to tell if people are laughing as much when it's in a big
space, but I got such a great response just from people over social media.
And then we went to the koala park and saw the koalas and saw the kangaroos.
And if you've never seen a kangaroo, they, it's like, it's like when they, it's
kind of like the first time somebody tells you, oh, that's your cousin or your
second cousin.
Or they introduce you to your uncle that you never met.
And you're like, damn, uncle Ronnie got some short arms and a big ass, you know?
Oh, dang.
You know, uncle Ronnie's out there eating leaves off of the, off of the shrubbery.
Like, damn.
It may, it made me, I was shocked that, that huge, that, that their species, I
was shocked that we're all have, you know, atoms in us that are similar because
a kangaroo is like something, you know, it's basically a kangaroo is like the
El Camino of the animal kingdom.
It is the, it is the, it's got a fucking, it's got a, I don't know what it is,
it's got like a dragon tail.
It's got that, it's got the body of a, kind of like a thick girl, like a real
thick bitch that likes to fight, you know, kind of like a thick girl that doesn't,
you know, that likes to thumb wrestle real heavily with others.
And it, and then it's got the head of like a, kind of a dog, like a, um, Doberman,
like a lean Doberman that's on keto diet, sugar-free Doberman, that SFD.
And it's, it just, it blows your mind.
You're like, holy shit, this is an animal now?
And that's Australia, it's got unique animals.
It's got unique animals.
And you know what, one thing I loved about Australia, I'll say this, Australia
is,
if there's a country that I've visited that I could go easily see myself to
live in, it would be Australia.
And then one of the things that I loved is that they still have a strong sense
of being Australian, it feels like.
It felt like to me, this is my perception.
And at the airport, you could still go say bye to your loved ones, or you can
meet somebody at the gate.
So it was just really beautiful because you still see like a lot of like, what
it means to travel and be somewhere new.
Like in America, you can't see that anymore.
When I was young, your mom could walk you to the gate and watch you cry in the
little tunnel as you flew off to meet grandma.
And that's natural.
You know, if you're a child and you're about to fly four hours to see some
senior citizens.
I mean, that'll make, that'll bring a tear to anybody's eye.
And especially if you're, if you're, if your step grandfather is addicted to
Marlboro Reds.
And he does them indoors and shit and you can't eat, you know, so right after
dessert, right after a couple cups of pudding at grandma's, you got to sit
there and, and get that secondhand smoke off of Poppy.
But, but yeah, man, the, one of the things about that is you, when you see
people hug at the gate and you see people like say goodbye to each o