Name: First Time for Everything | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #205
Uploaded: 2019-06-10T13:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Time for Everything | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #205' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Time for Everything | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #205' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-10. Transcript available.

First Time for Everything | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #205

Man, I'm trying to watch this Game of Thrones, and man, these guys, they just,
I mean, they cannot get along, really.
Or the women. Or the women.
So, I just don't even know what to think anymore.
I mean, it's just swords and pedophilia, and they don't even, and what about
all the candles that are lit?
Do you even notice that?
Every set, every, they got 2,000, they got nine candles everywhere.
Somebody's getting murdered, and they got three candles behind them.
Who's putting them out?
You never see anybody, you know, doing like a little bit of fire safety or
something.
Protocol. Whatever.
I gotta, I gotta quit worrying about some of this stuff.
We'll be right back.
Every night you sleep
Every night I'll play a peep
Steal your things that you know, but you still don't believe
That it was me
It was me
It was me
Every night I lie awake
I feel like a fake
I put on a show
That is
Jameson Flood
Like the water
I don't know if you ever had too much to drink
And
And that's similar to a flood, but it's different
Good to be here
With you guys
Thank you for joining me
And thank you for allowing me to be here with you
What's up?
I'm here
You're here
Gee, sometimes I feel like this
Like I'm just leaving you a voicemail
And it's just like a really long one
Like I'm just that chatty VM dropper
It is
It is right now
It is Monday, June 10
The 10 of June
So if you see somebody tomorrow
And they say
Well
What date is it?
You say
Well, it's the 10 of June
It's the 10
Of June
And we are coming up
I believe on the summer solstice
And that's when summer really, really starts to
Heat things up
And
And the planets like all agree that it's summer
They kind of line up
And the sun and the moon
And
It's
Because there's always a couple
You know
They always got a planet
Or two
You know
Pluto
You know
A couple of
Jupiter's moons
Or whatever
That are always like
Ah, you know
It's not summer
It's not really summer
It's
You know
We're doing this
Couple holdouts
But when that solstice lines up
When that summer solstice
June 22nd
That's the equinox
When it lines up
That's when it's summer says
That's the grilling
That's the time
That summer really
Will fucking grill your meat
That's when that fire
Comes straight out of the sun
And just
It'll get you
It will get you
If you're trying to get rid of a spouse
Or something
That is a good time to
To
You know
To leave them in the yard
So
But let's don't think about that
What's going on
I
I'm a dad
Oh I had jet lag
I had jet lag
And it
Look I didn't think jet lag
Was that real
And the
I'll be in the middle of a mouth full of potatoes
You know
Or patats
And I shut down
Like somebody pressed the power button on me
While I was patatting
And I will just
Shut down
Jet lag will bring a man
I mean it'll make your ankles roll right out of your feet
It'll just
It's a real thing
And I think it's something we can start to find a way to use on our enemies
A little bit of jet lag
But
What do I know
We gotta
You know
I'm happy to be here with you
What's going on with me
What's going on man
I honestly dude
I hurt my freaking back
I was putting a shirt on
And it wasn't even a strong shirt or a thick shirt
I was putting on a mediocre
You know
A mediocre shirt
And I came out
My head came out the neck hole
And it came out like at an angle
And I hurt my back
And my neck
So I've been just kind of real limited edition all week
I've been having to lay ice
Lay on ice in my bed
I'll get me a couple trays of ice
And I get my
I got a beach towel
And a beach towel
Somebody really
That's marketing
Because a towel
You could do anything with a towel
Towel for this
Towel for that
You got out the shower
Towel up
You know
You spilled some wine
Get that towel
You know
You're in the desert
Towel up
Put a towel around your scalp
You know
They got it all
Then somebody said
Oh we need a specific towel for the beach
We need a beach towel
And that's marketing right there
It's still a towel
There's nothing different about it
Somebody put the word beach in front of it
And now everybody's fucking spending an extra
$13.99
And I had that beach towel
I put it on my bed
I put a bunch of ice cubes
I put three trays of cubes on it
And then I'll lay on that ice
And be that little ice daddy
That ice baby
And man
It's cold at first
But then the pain goes away
And you can't feel anything
And damn
You get so cold sometimes
And then it disappears
And then you don't even know who you are man
And I even have to put my legs up in the air
It looks like I'm a damn newborn
Like I'm a newborn
And I'm trying to get my
You know
My bum powdered by mom
I'm trying to get my bum
Powdered
By mom
And so I do that
And I've just been icing and heating my back all week
So it's been just out of commission
It's crazy man
Everything's going good
And then bam son
Get on your knees boy
And the pain too
I don't you know
I don't have anything to subside the pain
So I'm just praying this shit goes away
And they don't have a chapter in the Bible really about
You know
Pain remedy
The Bible doesn't have you know
A couple hundred milligrams of ibuprofen hidden in it
So I was going through all of these
Ramadan everything
I'm celebrating anything this week
That will help alleviate the pain
I'm asking all the gods for help
We had a lot of calls that came in about
You know
I like to think about when I was young
And just the joy
And remember when you were young man
And you
You know
You tried something new for the first time
Maybe you saw
You know
You saw
Remember the first time you saw a peach
You're like damn
That's an orange
That's kind of like a
Is that like a senior citizen orange or something
Is that like an orange that maybe
Been in a halfway house
Or maybe an orange that
You know
It's kind of like one of those hairless cats
But like
It's like a hair
It's like a
Like
It's like the hairless cat of the orange family
And somebody's like
No motherfucker
That's a peach man
That's a peach boy
So you know
You get
I love being young
Everything was a new experience
And when we get older
We get used to the experiences
And they start to run together
And they're just
Things lose their novelty
And that's what I'm
You know
And I try not to get too caught up
In the fact of things losing their novelty
So I'm trying to just
I'm trying to stay in the novelty of life
Because there is a lot of beautiful stuff going on
And
And one of the novelties
That we all go through in time
Is when somebody
Touched our
You know
Weaner
You know
Up in the
You know
If a lady
Somebody touched you
Down in that trim trim
You know
Down in the
Vajertans bro
Down in them
You know
Down in them
Down in the
You know
In that freaking little
That
You know
Down in that sugar wallet
Down in the old
You know
Down in the old oyster
The old oyster
Coin purse
You feel me
Well
Everybody has a story about that
In a different moment in time
And we had a beautiful call
About a year ago
A lady
First time
A man ever touched her vagina
Was in a
Abandoned refrigerator box
Out in the garage
And she had a
You know
She had a
She had a beautiful story about that
And
And we all have a special first time
And a lot of you guys know
First time somebody
You know
A young lady over there
Off of
Highway 22
Kind of
Masturbated me out into the water
Over there
Off of the
You know
In one of the tributaries
Of the
Chifuncta river
This lady
J.O'd me out there
Into the water
And you could see the fish
Come up and get
Get the seed
That had come out of my body
And that was nature
Going full circle
You know
I mean that is just damn nature
Like somebody just
Put a whole bunch of nature
In a blender
And just made a damn
Just a smoothie
Just a soul smoothie
And just poured that bitch
Right down into your
Frickin chakras
And
And everybody has that moment
So a lot of you guys
Hit the hotline
985-664-9503
And thank you for
For hitting the hotline
And
And you just called in
And shared some of your moments
So
I want to hear some of those
I haven't heard any of them
And I'm grateful to you
For sharing pieces of your life
Because we all remember that time
That first time
Because look
When you're young
You've been touching your own crotch
You know
I remember we had a guy
In our area
This boy
This kid
His name was Tyson
Right
They called him Fat Tyson
And nobody
His dad called him that
So
And
You know
He would do
You know
Everybody would do
He would
Everybody
When you got to know your body
When you find your body
Had different erogenous zones
An erogenous zone
Is something you massage yourself
Or touch your nipples
Dude
Remember when your nipples got hard
Remember that
Bro
I thought
I didn't know what was going on
I thought I got
Like had fallen down
I got an acorn stuck
Like in my tit
On each one
Double corn
You know
So yeah
Just different times
But
I remember Fat Tyson
Told us one time
That he had
He had hidden
Like a small
One of those toothbrushes
You get into his
Into his anus
In his
You know
Anus or whatever
You know
Into that
That be
Oh boy
And this
I know this is getting
Kind of dirty
But I'm just
I'm just letting you know
That we all
Have experiences
With our body
And there's nothing
Wrong with that
There's nothing wrong
With if you're young
Putting something
Into your buttocks
There's nothing crazy
About that
I mean
When you first are born
You learn about your mouth
That's a natural hole
You know
So you put snacks in there
Put a sugar treat
In your mouth
Put a little cornbread
You know
Put a broccoli
Or something
Into your mouth
And that's natural
And then you start
Learning about other
You know
You sneak into
Mom's room one day
And you see dad
In there doing
The ear cleaner
Q-tipping
And so you get one
And you do that
And that's crazy
You can't even imagine
You're like
If it's so close
To my brain
This is scary
And you pull it out
And it's a little bit
Of brown on there
And you're like
Jesus my brain
Has brown wax in it
I'm going to hell
You know
You get caught up
And then another
You know
Then your ween
You know
Your vagina
Or whatever
You get used to
A new thing
Your belly button
I remember
One of my favorite things
I would lay on the floor
At night
And put a couple
Chocolate
I would put a couple
Chocolate
Chocolate chips
Because Toll House
Used to have
These sack
Of chocolate chips
When mom
Was going to make
Chocolate chip cookies
She got a bag
Of chocolate chips
And she would have
To hide them boy
Because if I found
That sack of chocos
To the dome
And so I'd take
A couple
I'd usually take
Three
And I'd put them
Into my belly button
And lay on my back
By the television
Watching In the Heat
Of the Night
Which was a beautiful
Television show
And
And
And
And they would get
Heated up
By my body heat
And that's when
And then my
My belly button
Would fill
With a little bit
Of chocolate sauce
Or chocolate
You know
Kind of a mousse
I guess
Almost a nice
Fancy
You know
A mousse
They call it
And then I would
Dip my finger in there
On a commercial break
And get me a little
Hit of chocolate
And put that thing
In my mouth
And just
Really just eating
Chocolate right out
Of my own
My own belly button
Which is unique
Because you
You know
Years earlier
I'd been inside
Of my mother
She had fed me
Through that tube
And here I am
Filling that whole
You know
That same space
Where my mother
Had once nourished me
Here I am
Melting chocolate chips
Toll house morsels
And just morseling
Myself up
Just dipping my finger
Into that melted morsel
And just
Bringing it straight up
Into my face
You know
Feeding myself
Now years later
And that's just
Full circle
It's the same as
It's not the same
But it's very similar
To masturbating
Into a stream
And watching the fish
Come
And then maybe
Two years later
You're at a restaurant
Down the street
And you have a little
Bit of
You know
Some tilapia
Or some barramundi
Or you have a cut
Of
White fish
Or butter fish
First of all
Where are they
Getting new fish
From
You notice this
Some menus
Every like
Maybe
Two years
They put a new
It's like
Oh
They got the
Mahi-mahi
Where's that been
Dude
Go read
Moby Dick
See how many
